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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 762803" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Aloha JMOM,</p><p>Thank you so much for your kindness.</p><p></p><p>This is true, we really don’t know if they are sober. My struggle has been with my decision to not engage with my daughter while she is in jail. This is a new boundary for me, as in the past, I did put money into her account and would receive daily phone calls from her. I realized that this communication was wearing me down emotionally and mentally. It was hard and is hard to stick to this because I feel guilty about it, I was browsing on rehab websites and they all talk about support from family being tantamount to recovery. There is a voice screaming in the back of my mind that the <em>family</em> and our well being also needs to be considered, what the years of addiction have done to our own psyche. When Tornado was in rehab last, her counselor set up weekly sessions, which I attended three. I stopped because it was not healthy for me. Looking back, I see that my daughter had not taken responsibility for the choices she made and how it affected all of us. There was no remorse, no making amends. She expected us (her three children as well) to just pick up and act as if nothing had happened. This was completely unfair and detrimental to all of us. Hard lesson learned. When she fell off the wagon, got kicked out of rehab and lost custody of her baby, we suffered all over again.</p><p></p><p>Yes she does. Dangled in front of me like the proverbial carrot. I am not responsible for whether or not she chooses to get clean, I have to remind myself of that. Whether I choose to engage with her is my decision based on my own health and strength. I cannot take care of myself, or my granddaughter if I am a wreck!</p><p></p><p>Thank you JMom. I get sucked to the edge of the rabbit hole with my own hopes that my daughter will wake up. I put too much on what I will or will not do, and how that may affect her. I need to stop putting that on me. She needs to understand that she has crossed too many lines with her family and she has a long way to go before we can trust her, or ourselves to have a healthy relationship.</p><p></p><p>She and her brothers have been through so much with both parents addicted and abandonment. I am glad that she has firm boundaries and keeps her guard up.</p><p></p><p>I will be taking some deep breaths and praying a lot for all of us to heal and stay strong. It is a daily exercise, with two addicted daughters soul snatched by meth. I’m not giving up hope that there may be an awakening one day, but do have to remind myself that they are not capable of right mindedness while under meths influence. Even if they do attempt sobriety it will take some time to regain their core being. I’m sure it did not help my state of mind going through old photos and rearranging them into new albums. That walk into the past, reviewing the good old days stirred that longing for sanity up to the surface. I have to get back to being thankful for the good times we had, and placing responsibility for whether or not my two seek sobriety where it belongs- on them. Nothing I do or say will sway their choices. They have to see that they are living degraded lives all for the emptiness of chasing this dragon. They have to see that we cannot and will not follow them towards destruction. We cannot live our lives continuously grieving their choices. It is no way to live. I am literally pulling up my bootstraps and going into my mountain jungle to hack away the weeds to prepare for planting. The physical work and sweat will help me sort out my emotions and calm me. Most times I am my own worst enemy, going down that foggy road of feeling heartless for choosing no contact. But, I do it to preserve my own sanity. Maybe one day my daughter will understand. That’s on her. We have to put on the “oxygen mask” however we need to, to live our own lives to the fullest, no matter what our adult children’s choices are. </p><p>Thank you so much JMom for writing. It is so helpful, lifesaving really, to know there are folks out there who know how this feels. I hope your son is on a good path. If not, stay strong! </p><p>Much aloha,</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 762803, member: 19522"] Aloha JMOM, Thank you so much for your kindness. This is true, we really don’t know if they are sober. My struggle has been with my decision to not engage with my daughter while she is in jail. This is a new boundary for me, as in the past, I did put money into her account and would receive daily phone calls from her. I realized that this communication was wearing me down emotionally and mentally. It was hard and is hard to stick to this because I feel guilty about it, I was browsing on rehab websites and they all talk about support from family being tantamount to recovery. There is a voice screaming in the back of my mind that the [I]family[/I] and our well being also needs to be considered, what the years of addiction have done to our own psyche. When Tornado was in rehab last, her counselor set up weekly sessions, which I attended three. I stopped because it was not healthy for me. Looking back, I see that my daughter had not taken responsibility for the choices she made and how it affected all of us. There was no remorse, no making amends. She expected us (her three children as well) to just pick up and act as if nothing had happened. This was completely unfair and detrimental to all of us. Hard lesson learned. When she fell off the wagon, got kicked out of rehab and lost custody of her baby, we suffered all over again. Yes she does. Dangled in front of me like the proverbial carrot. I am not responsible for whether or not she chooses to get clean, I have to remind myself of that. Whether I choose to engage with her is my decision based on my own health and strength. I cannot take care of myself, or my granddaughter if I am a wreck! Thank you JMom. I get sucked to the edge of the rabbit hole with my own hopes that my daughter will wake up. I put too much on what I will or will not do, and how that may affect her. I need to stop putting that on me. She needs to understand that she has crossed too many lines with her family and she has a long way to go before we can trust her, or ourselves to have a healthy relationship. She and her brothers have been through so much with both parents addicted and abandonment. I am glad that she has firm boundaries and keeps her guard up. I will be taking some deep breaths and praying a lot for all of us to heal and stay strong. It is a daily exercise, with two addicted daughters soul snatched by meth. I’m not giving up hope that there may be an awakening one day, but do have to remind myself that they are not capable of right mindedness while under meths influence. Even if they do attempt sobriety it will take some time to regain their core being. I’m sure it did not help my state of mind going through old photos and rearranging them into new albums. That walk into the past, reviewing the good old days stirred that longing for sanity up to the surface. I have to get back to being thankful for the good times we had, and placing responsibility for whether or not my two seek sobriety where it belongs- on them. Nothing I do or say will sway their choices. They have to see that they are living degraded lives all for the emptiness of chasing this dragon. They have to see that we cannot and will not follow them towards destruction. We cannot live our lives continuously grieving their choices. It is no way to live. I am literally pulling up my bootstraps and going into my mountain jungle to hack away the weeds to prepare for planting. The physical work and sweat will help me sort out my emotions and calm me. Most times I am my own worst enemy, going down that foggy road of feeling heartless for choosing no contact. But, I do it to preserve my own sanity. Maybe one day my daughter will understand. That’s on her. We have to put on the “oxygen mask” however we need to, to live our own lives to the fullest, no matter what our adult children’s choices are. Thank you so much JMom for writing. It is so helpful, lifesaving really, to know there are folks out there who know how this feels. I hope your son is on a good path. If not, stay strong! Much aloha, New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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