Oh boy Gran, your post is very, very similar to my experience with my daughter, my granddaughter and my feelings. I completely understand where you're coming from. I couldn't possibly put into words what my daughter's choices and lifestyle have cost me, in finances certainly, but emotionally, mentally, physically and in every possible way, she has brought much negativity and pain to my doorstep.
I have had legal permanent guardianship of my granddaughter since she was 11, she is now 17. Going through court, dealing with a divorce at the same time (husband left me when I took my granddaughter) paying for all the neglected dental and medical care, therapy, school, clothes, braces, camps, sports, sigh, just thinking about all of it brings back how incredibly difficult and draining it all was.........so I can empathize with you on all levels. I felt very angry at my daughter for a long time too, she created a lot of struggles for me.
Gran, what I did was to seek out as much support as I could. Since I had no idea what my options were, if any, I got involved in a local group called Grandparents parenting again. They helped so much, I was able to do all the guardianship papers myself, which was an incredible feat and saved me $10,000.00 in legal fees, they had a class which walked you through all the legal forms. Through them I learned a lot about options. I took a parenting class through Social Services that cleared up a lot for me and gave me some tools. I had to do a lot of research, but because grandparents are now a high percentage of who is parenting the children, there are growing resources, but I found you have to dig for them and ask a lot of questions of a lot of people. You could ask the school counseling Dept. I met a therapist through the school who steered me in some good directions. You can ask CPS too, just for resources, systems which may help you, they don't offer, you have to ask. Keep asking everyone.
You can claim the children on your taxes, and my accountant just told me as long as they are in school, you can claim them up to age 24. Having 2 more dependents should increase your cash flow.
After getting my granddaughter squared away, (which took about a year because it was as if she had lived in a cave without any resources at all) when I came up for air, I immediately got myself into a supportive therapy situation. I just told everyone the truth, I said, I NEED HELP! I worked every angle, believe me, to get her care and to get me care, this is no time to be stoic! I got myself into a year (actually it lasted over that because I stayed in the program) long codependency program through a huge HMO's Substance Abuse program. I didn't really fit the profile, but the similarities in recovering from having a child with mental illness was extremely helpful and supported me in letting go of guilt, anger, resentment, a lot of the negative feelings one has from being put into the position you and I have been put in.
Get yourself as much support as you can in environments where others can really hear you and empathize with you. They have grandparenting groups which are very helpful, NAMI has parent groups which are great, 12 step groups, therapy, whatever, but do not attempt to do this alone, those feelings of anger will fester and hurt YOU, you must find ways to release that.
Childcare is expensive, but if you involve yourself in groups with other grandparents, they will offer options. You can also barter, like something you do well, cook, sew, whatever, you do it for someone, they watch the kids for awhile. There are bartering services now in local communities. You can also trade with other parents/grandparents for childcare, you take their kids for a night, then they take yours. You can probably find other parents in the sports your kids are involved in. Look into camps too, some camps offer scholarships and then the kids go away for a week, they learn something important and you get a break. I called a lot of places asking for sliding scale, or scholarships, or bartering, whatever, you'd be surprised about what is not offered, you have to ASK. Do you have a community center in your town? They usually offer stuff for kids and often there are scholarships available.
It is what it is. We made choices to distance ourselves from our daughters and take in our grandkids, not perfect but that's what we chose. Now we have to learn to live with our choices and be okay with it all. It comes with a lot of baggage, our own feelings about our own parenting of our own kids and all the detaching we have to do, the enabling factor, the guilt, the resentment, the heavy financial toll this takes, especially when we are older like we are. I am just way more tired and don't have the same energy or patience I did before.
Each year my granddaughter has gotten healthier and healthier, happier, more secure in herself, really, a regular normal kid but with a lot of wisdom and clarity because of what she's been through. I have always told her that what her parents choices were have nothing to do with her, making sure she doesn't believe any of that was her fault and that she could not have changed anything. She's clear on that now. She's also had therapy, she's gone to church camps which taught a lot about self esteem, making good choices, self respect, etc., she received much support along the way.
I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you are giving your grand kids an incredible gift, a chance at a normal, safe, loving life. YOU made that choice, that hard choice, and they may not see that until they are quite a bit older, but deep in your heart, you know that to be the truth. When my husband left me because I chose to take custody of my granddaughter, his then, 18 year old daughter, my step daughter, told me that her definition of a true hero is someone who saves a child. I never forgot that, out of the mouths of babes.................As hard a path as this is Gran, and it comes with a lot of "stuff" you are a hero for these kids.............because of YOU, they have a chance at a real successful life. God bless you for that.
I put my daughter in the hands of a Higher Power, when I think of her I try to surround her with love and move out of my patterns of enabling and sadness for her................I do my very best for my granddaughter but now I balance all of it with making sure my needs are met, that I am nourished and cared for, that I put myself first and make sure I have enough peaceful time for myself, down time, time for me. If you can balance the needs of the children with making sure your needs are securely met, that you nurture yourself and work on letting go of that anger, I think you can find your joy and enhance your peace of mind.................I wish you peace and send you many, gentle and caring hugs...........I'm right there with you........
I have had legal permanent guardianship of my granddaughter since she was 11, she is now 17. Going through court, dealing with a divorce at the same time (husband left me when I took my granddaughter) paying for all the neglected dental and medical care, therapy, school, clothes, braces, camps, sports, sigh, just thinking about all of it brings back how incredibly difficult and draining it all was.........so I can empathize with you on all levels. I felt very angry at my daughter for a long time too, she created a lot of struggles for me.
Gran, what I did was to seek out as much support as I could. Since I had no idea what my options were, if any, I got involved in a local group called Grandparents parenting again. They helped so much, I was able to do all the guardianship papers myself, which was an incredible feat and saved me $10,000.00 in legal fees, they had a class which walked you through all the legal forms. Through them I learned a lot about options. I took a parenting class through Social Services that cleared up a lot for me and gave me some tools. I had to do a lot of research, but because grandparents are now a high percentage of who is parenting the children, there are growing resources, but I found you have to dig for them and ask a lot of questions of a lot of people. You could ask the school counseling Dept. I met a therapist through the school who steered me in some good directions. You can ask CPS too, just for resources, systems which may help you, they don't offer, you have to ask. Keep asking everyone.
You can claim the children on your taxes, and my accountant just told me as long as they are in school, you can claim them up to age 24. Having 2 more dependents should increase your cash flow.
After getting my granddaughter squared away, (which took about a year because it was as if she had lived in a cave without any resources at all) when I came up for air, I immediately got myself into a supportive therapy situation. I just told everyone the truth, I said, I NEED HELP! I worked every angle, believe me, to get her care and to get me care, this is no time to be stoic! I got myself into a year (actually it lasted over that because I stayed in the program) long codependency program through a huge HMO's Substance Abuse program. I didn't really fit the profile, but the similarities in recovering from having a child with mental illness was extremely helpful and supported me in letting go of guilt, anger, resentment, a lot of the negative feelings one has from being put into the position you and I have been put in.
Get yourself as much support as you can in environments where others can really hear you and empathize with you. They have grandparenting groups which are very helpful, NAMI has parent groups which are great, 12 step groups, therapy, whatever, but do not attempt to do this alone, those feelings of anger will fester and hurt YOU, you must find ways to release that.
Childcare is expensive, but if you involve yourself in groups with other grandparents, they will offer options. You can also barter, like something you do well, cook, sew, whatever, you do it for someone, they watch the kids for awhile. There are bartering services now in local communities. You can also trade with other parents/grandparents for childcare, you take their kids for a night, then they take yours. You can probably find other parents in the sports your kids are involved in. Look into camps too, some camps offer scholarships and then the kids go away for a week, they learn something important and you get a break. I called a lot of places asking for sliding scale, or scholarships, or bartering, whatever, you'd be surprised about what is not offered, you have to ASK. Do you have a community center in your town? They usually offer stuff for kids and often there are scholarships available.
It is what it is. We made choices to distance ourselves from our daughters and take in our grandkids, not perfect but that's what we chose. Now we have to learn to live with our choices and be okay with it all. It comes with a lot of baggage, our own feelings about our own parenting of our own kids and all the detaching we have to do, the enabling factor, the guilt, the resentment, the heavy financial toll this takes, especially when we are older like we are. I am just way more tired and don't have the same energy or patience I did before.
Each year my granddaughter has gotten healthier and healthier, happier, more secure in herself, really, a regular normal kid but with a lot of wisdom and clarity because of what she's been through. I have always told her that what her parents choices were have nothing to do with her, making sure she doesn't believe any of that was her fault and that she could not have changed anything. She's clear on that now. She's also had therapy, she's gone to church camps which taught a lot about self esteem, making good choices, self respect, etc., she received much support along the way.
I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you are giving your grand kids an incredible gift, a chance at a normal, safe, loving life. YOU made that choice, that hard choice, and they may not see that until they are quite a bit older, but deep in your heart, you know that to be the truth. When my husband left me because I chose to take custody of my granddaughter, his then, 18 year old daughter, my step daughter, told me that her definition of a true hero is someone who saves a child. I never forgot that, out of the mouths of babes.................As hard a path as this is Gran, and it comes with a lot of "stuff" you are a hero for these kids.............because of YOU, they have a chance at a real successful life. God bless you for that.
I put my daughter in the hands of a Higher Power, when I think of her I try to surround her with love and move out of my patterns of enabling and sadness for her................I do my very best for my granddaughter but now I balance all of it with making sure my needs are met, that I am nourished and cared for, that I put myself first and make sure I have enough peaceful time for myself, down time, time for me. If you can balance the needs of the children with making sure your needs are securely met, that you nurture yourself and work on letting go of that anger, I think you can find your joy and enhance your peace of mind.................I wish you peace and send you many, gentle and caring hugs...........I'm right there with you........
