It's Coming - I can Feel it...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Dec 7, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    and it's not gonna be good!

    difficult child has been having issues with a girl on the bus since the beginning of the year. And despite what difficult child would like us to believe - this has not been a one-sided problem.

    Seems these two girls have been name calling, pushing, shoving, threatening, and throwing stuff at one another nearly every afternoon. Evidently the bus driver has issued several warnings and moved difficult child to the front of the bus.

    Yesterday, when difficult child boarded the bus, she greeted this other student by addressing her as "Jumbo" - as in, "Hi Jumbo! Do you have any peanuts for the rest of us?"

    This got difficult child referred to the principal's office - where she was warned that ONE more incident would get both girls expelled from the bus.

    difficult child is furious! She feels that any comments related to this other girl's weight are "fair game" and not name-calling in the slightest. (I know, I know - insert eye roll here.)

    So difficult child typed up a six page letter for the vice-principal in which she defends her position as "Being brave enough to stick up for herself" and complains that any and all problems are clearly the fault of this other girl....

    And she demands that the other girl be removed from the bus to eliminate any further problems.


    O I just know that phone is gonna ring today....
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    This sounds oh, so familiar...

    Right now Onyxx is refusing to ride the bus because the driver is "unfair".

    Of course, since this is a fairly passive problem... I'm not sweating it. She's doing extra stuff to help husband, so he will drive her.

    But still. Calling the driver a "db" (use imagination) is just not tactful. You can think it - just not out loud!

    Hugs, DF. I do get it.
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Oh DF I feel your pain. The dreaded phone call. My difficult child has issues with other difficult child's around the corner from us. It is amazing how difficult child's can seek eachother out. They are very physical and aggressive and have done some nasty stuff to both difficult child and easy child on the bus. Thankfully, I am able to drive the kids to school so no drama on the bus. Are you able to drive your difficult child? I also can relate to your difficult child being one sided. It is NEVER my difficult child's fault and he insisted he was going to knock them out and he didn't care what the Principal said or even if the police came. When he is mad there is no reasoning with him but he has never acted on it just talked the big talk. Good Luck and I hope she is able to calm down and get through this.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I remember a difficult child classmate at school who attached herself to me and then drove all my friends away with her unbelievably tactless behaviour. One of my friends was overweight quite badly, to the point where I still wonder if there was some disorder there. My difficult child classmate loudly asked, "Why are you so fat? Maybe it's that cream cake you're eating," and my chubby friend burst into tears and told a teacher (which led to difficult child, and me because I was in the vicinity, being banned from being near my friends).

    I remember I immediately challenged my difficult child classmate when she said this by saying, "You shouldn't say things like that, it's unkind." And difficult child classmate replied with, "What's wrong? It's true, isn't it?" and just couldn't see how being tactless was also being mean and nasty. The problem was, difficult child classmate could only see the world from her own point of view. Some people are like this - to them, everyone else in the world is only there as a foil for them. Whenever they deal with other people it is always in terms of, "What can I get out of this person?" or "What is the purpose of this person in my world?" If the person in question is seen as a problem by the difficult child, often the difficult child takes the attitude of, "I must do my best to remove this person from my world, from this picture. From my environment." Or if it is a feature of that person (such as they don't like the colour shirt the person is wearing) they try to fix that aspect of the problem. Often, it is the other person's appearance in some way that the difficult child is affronted by.

    Such difficult children see this as their right to do this, because after all, it is THEIR world. And they can't understand why we don't get this...

    I think your daughter's letter was a very good thing. It shows that it's nothing you have taught her at home, and it also shows that she is making her own bed on this and is darn well going to have to lie in it.

    Any calls that come in - sweetly refer them to difficult child. SHE wrote the letter, not you.

  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    (((hugs))) my dear. AND this will lie directly into difficult children lap ~ the outcome of this letter reeks of difficult child grandiosity as well as the typical teen "I'm never wrong" syndrome. I know it well with 2 16 y/o's on my hands.

    I fear that this will haunt you more than your difficult child. She will, in her wisdom, lie the blame at everyone else's door but her own. You will feel the brunt of her anger, her confusion (as she's sure to be "misunderstood"), & her loneliness as this will further ostracize her from her peers.

    Again (((hugs))).
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    One thing I wish I could hammer into some heads - "Not every thought you have is worth sharing. Not everybody needs to know every thought that passes through your head."

    And the final advice - "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all."

    Some people don't get it.

  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    We refer to this as the Thumper Rule (if you remember Bambi). Nice way of reminding them in public without having to be openly critical.
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    What Marg said. I look forward to hearing how this drama unfolds.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I think you hit the nail right on the head! This is exactly difficult child - and exactly why talking and explaining seem to have no effect on her behavior...


    I think you are right about the letter "reeking of grandiosity". I purposely did not read the whole thing - the parts I saw (of the rambling, six page note) difficult child went on and on and on about how she herself is very well behaved and only called this other girl A, B, and C - therefore, it makes no sense for difficult child to lose bus priviledges because the other girl is clearly the problem.

    As for difficult child? She came home from school yesterday reporting that "everyone" thought the letter was really great and really professional and the principal can't wait to talk to her about it. Ugh!

    Step, Shelly, Haozi, ML--

    Thanks for your understanding and support! I'll update about the letter when I know more...
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I bet he can't! I'd love to be a fly on the wall.. but the sad thing is, she still won't get it.

    Maybe one day she will, when her brain matures enough for her to lose this total egocentricity. But you can't teach what the brain can't learn. She is going to have to experience being on the receiving end, AND 'get it' that this is what she does to other people. A tall order, not possible at the moment.