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It's falling apart
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 713918" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Acacia, I'm so sorry your daughter's choices are a nightmare for you. I understand completely. I did a lot of rescuing of my 44 year old daughter too. </p><p></p><p>Some resources: </p><p>*NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness. They have wonderful courses for parents and resources for your daughter. You can access them online. They have chapters in many cities. They may be able to provide you with options, services, guidance and support.</p><p>*It's surprising your daughter cannot find a shelter. She can call 211 which is a nationwide resource for services. Often shelters will take women with children first especially if it is an emergency. </p><p>*If you haven't already, read <u>Stop walking on eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality disorder. </u> You can order it from Amazon.</p><p>*I hope you have a support system but if you do not, please find a counselor, therapist, support group, 12 step group, some safe, caring place where you can get YOUR needs met and look at options and issues.</p><p></p><p>You may want to stop looking at the issue as either you take her in & help her OR she is "on the streets." That was how I looked at it as well, but it is a certain way to scare ourselves into doing what we do not want to do and it is not the truth. There are options <em>before</em> one ends up on the streets. It is not an either or situation. Often our kids maneuver us into thinking that, but you may have noticed that if you step away, she finds a way. If you never step away, she will not find a way. And it is up to your daughter to not only find those options but adhere to the rules those options present......anywhere she ends up is going to have boundaries and rules. If she chooses to not follow them and that gets her kicked out, then so be it. Unfortunately, the children make that much more difficult. I have no easy answers for that, I know how difficult and heartbreaking that can be.</p><p></p><p>My experience with my difficult child is that in cases like your daughter and mine, detaching from their choices is generally the way to go. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For me it has been an incremental process....one step at a time as I got used to parenting in a very different way, free of enabling. Each step was a heartbreak and sometimes felt devastating and yet I had enough support to plunge into uncharted territory ...and I knew as you do, that I could not sustain it the way it was, drastic measures were required. As I chose each time to step away and respond differently, adhering to my strict boundaries, she stopped the relentless pursuit of my taking responsibility for her choices. It was not easy and it took time, a commitment and an inner strength that I learned as I moved through it.</p><p></p><p> I know that 'sick to your stomach' feeling you described........trying to decide to either hold our boundaries OR give in to "save" them is a real set up for feeling horrible........a place our kids tend to put us in time and time again. You sound as if you've done a good job, but now the ante is upped and a different response is required from you. That was my experience too, each time the ante was upped I had to make a different choice, it was hard, but after I got over the shock of it each time, I began feeling relieved and better all around as I let go of my own enabling tendencies. There IS life after we disengage from our adult troubled kids......</p><p></p><p>Find ways to support yourself and be kind to yourself, you've been on a 15 ride through hell and I think it is time to get off.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. I know it's hard. But it is doable. And as you detach from your daughter's choices and lifestyle and behaviors, you WILL feel a lot better. </p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Keep posting, it helps. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px">Sending you a big hug. You deserve to have a life of peace and joy.</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 713918, member: 13542"] Acacia, I'm so sorry your daughter's choices are a nightmare for you. I understand completely. I did a lot of rescuing of my 44 year old daughter too. Some resources: *NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness. They have wonderful courses for parents and resources for your daughter. You can access them online. They have chapters in many cities. They may be able to provide you with options, services, guidance and support. *It's surprising your daughter cannot find a shelter. She can call 211 which is a nationwide resource for services. Often shelters will take women with children first especially if it is an emergency. *If you haven't already, read [U]Stop walking on eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality disorder. [/U] You can order it from Amazon. *I hope you have a support system but if you do not, please find a counselor, therapist, support group, 12 step group, some safe, caring place where you can get YOUR needs met and look at options and issues. You may want to stop looking at the issue as either you take her in & help her OR she is "on the streets." That was how I looked at it as well, but it is a certain way to scare ourselves into doing what we do not want to do and it is not the truth. There are options [I]before[/I] one ends up on the streets. It is not an either or situation. Often our kids maneuver us into thinking that, but you may have noticed that if you step away, she finds a way. If you never step away, she will not find a way. And it is up to your daughter to not only find those options but adhere to the rules those options present......anywhere she ends up is going to have boundaries and rules. If she chooses to not follow them and that gets her kicked out, then so be it. Unfortunately, the children make that much more difficult. I have no easy answers for that, I know how difficult and heartbreaking that can be. My experience with my difficult child is that in cases like your daughter and mine, detaching from their choices is generally the way to go. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. For me it has been an incremental process....one step at a time as I got used to parenting in a very different way, free of enabling. Each step was a heartbreak and sometimes felt devastating and yet I had enough support to plunge into uncharted territory ...and I knew as you do, that I could not sustain it the way it was, drastic measures were required. As I chose each time to step away and respond differently, adhering to my strict boundaries, she stopped the relentless pursuit of my taking responsibility for her choices. It was not easy and it took time, a commitment and an inner strength that I learned as I moved through it. I know that 'sick to your stomach' feeling you described........trying to decide to either hold our boundaries OR give in to "save" them is a real set up for feeling horrible........a place our kids tend to put us in time and time again. You sound as if you've done a good job, but now the ante is upped and a different response is required from you. That was my experience too, each time the ante was upped I had to make a different choice, it was hard, but after I got over the shock of it each time, I began feeling relieved and better all around as I let go of my own enabling tendencies. There IS life after we disengage from our adult troubled kids...... Find ways to support yourself and be kind to yourself, you've been on a 15 ride through hell and I think it is time to get off. Hang in there. I know it's hard. But it is doable. And as you detach from your daughter's choices and lifestyle and behaviors, you WILL feel a lot better. [SIZE=4] Keep posting, it helps. Sending you a big hug. You deserve to have a life of peace and joy.[/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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