It's finally happening..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mikey, Apr 21, 2008.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Well, barring some kind of catastrophe, McWeedy will be in 28-day residential rehab starting tonight. It's been a long, tough road, and I don't have a lot of confidence that this will really do anything for him, but it's one of the few things left that hasn't been tried yet.

    Unfortunately, the road to this place has left some serious bomb craters in our family, and I don't know if they'll heal over at all.

    Several weeks ago, after constant prodding (nagging) on my part, McW finally went to see his lawyer. At that time, his attorney asked him point blank: "Are you finally ready to stop smoking dope, stealing, and doing all the other things you're in trouble for? McW grunted out the universal teenage acknowledgment of "yeah". Attorney says "If you're not ready to change, then don't bother with anything else. Simply "man up", go to court, take your lumps, and then go back to your life. Anything else would be a waste of my time, your time, your parent's time, and their money. And in the end, you'll STILL end up in jail."

    That was part of a discussion about going to rehab, a sober house, etc. McW said that he still wanted to try to quit. "Are you SURE? Are you sure that this is what you want, and not just an attempt to stay out of jail?". "Yep" sez the Weedwhacker. So, the attorney then sends McW on his way with a list of things to start doing, while he tries to work with the prosecutors on the Diversion violations and the shoplifting.

    His attorney told him to find a local rehab that would take him (and our insurance), start looking at local sober house programs for after rehab, and then get into AA/NA as soon as possible. The idea was to build up some credibility for his supposed "desire to change" before his next court date.

    Well, after carefully considering the thoughtful and expert advice of the attorney WE paid for, he tossed it out the window and lost his friggen mind. Over the next few weeks, went downhill in a hurry. I guess McW felt that the threat of jail was off his back, so he started acting out again. He would go out drinking and come home drunk, he would stay out all night for several nights a week with no excuse for where he was, he NEVER went to a single AA/NA meeting, he dropped out of every class he had at the local JUCO, stopped going to work, and basically became a leech.

    It only took a week of that for me to finally say "I quit". As so many others here have advised me, I finally told McW that he was on his own; if he could con his Mom into helping, then so be it, but don't look to me for ANYTHING. And for the next three weeks (up 'till today), that's exactly what I've done. Truth be told, it'll probably drive me and wife to divorce, but as others here predicted she's getting a bellyfull of his antics now. I lock the door at midnight, she goes down and lets him stumble in at 1:30am. I said that I'm out of the whole McWeedy drama, and she tries to force me to deal with him and his problems.

    Her latest guilt trip is "I can't believe you've left me to do EVERYTHING for him, you won't help with anything, and I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!" <...insert screaming here...>. I warned McW that if he acted the fool one more time, that I wouldn't even pay for rehab. That night, he decided to take off for the weekend, so I said no money for rehab. Later that week, wife is having a major pity party because she's having to handle all the rehab, insurance, and other stuff on her own.

    She finally yells at me "I can't do this, you HAVE to help me". No, I don't. "Fine, then I'll just do whatever I know, which is to write a check and you can figure out how to pay for it". We don't have the money in the bank, wife. "Then I'll write it anway, and you'll have to help if you don't want it to bounce". No, I don't, and I can't believe that you'd ruin our credit to make a meaningless point. "Then I'll put it on the credit card, any you'll have to pay it". No, I won't. "You're acting like such a child!!!". Maybe, but this is my decision. If you choose to continue supporting McW and shielding him from consequences, then you can handle the results. "Don't you want him to go to rehab? Why are you so against his getting help?" Because he doesn't really want to go, he just wants to avoid jail. "How do you know? Can you suddenly read minds?" No, it's just that he hasn't done a single thing his attorney has asked him to do, he hasn't stopped drinking, and he's stopped doing ANYTHING around the house as a family member. Does that sound like he really wants to quit? "Isn't it better to get him to rehab, no matter what?" Not if he doesn't want to be there, since it'll be a waste of several thousand dollars that we don't have. "I can't do this alone, and you HAVE to help me!!!". No, I don't, and I resent you trying to manipulate me into doing something that I so strongly disagree with. If you want to do this, then do it, but don't drag me into it, and don't hurt the family in the process.

    Yep, that was a fun day. But, I guess she finally got the insurance, the scheduling, and everything else (including payment plans) figured out on her own. But somewhere along the way, McW tops all his other antics by getting a ticket for 60 in a 40, no DL, no insurance, and no seatbelt. He blows it off, says his lawyer doesn't think anything will happen, so we shouldn't be so upset.

    Then, McW starts postponing when he wants to go to rehab. First, he can't go because of something I don't remember. Then, he doesn't want to miss prom. Then, he wants "one final time at the lake", so he delayed again until Monday. All this time, I'm now out of the picture. McW is still coming in late (or not at all), still not working, still not helping with anything, and still leaving his Mom to do everything for him. He even had the gall to disappear from Saturday afternoon until last night, leaving wife to get everything ready for his vacation at rehab.

    As far as I know, he still hasn't made arrangements for any after-rehab sober house, even though there are five of them with vacancies within 10 minutes of our house. I've already stated that once McW goes away, then he can't come back until he completes rehab and at least six months in a sober house. Anything less, and I'll move out if he moves back in. That sounds harsh, I know, but I'm in a situation where no matter what I do, I can't win. Detachment is working for me, but it's driving wife nuts (that was predicted, I believe). But I can't sit back and watch the codependency dance with wife and McW any more, where I'm simply the muscle that's expected to wait in the corner until I'm summoned to deal with a mess.

    No more.

    So, like I said, it's finally happening. I hope that something good will come of it, but I don't have much faith that it will because I don't think McW is sincere. I think that he and wife will concoct some whacko excuse for McW to move back in after rehab and call my bluff. At this point, wife and I haven't said 10 civil words to each other in weeks, so I don't know what's left to lose if I pull up the stakes and move my tent somewhere else.

    In detaching over the last few weeks, I've found some personal peace, but it's ripping my family apart. The truth, though, is that it can't be avoided, not if McW is going to have any REAL chance to change. wife is constantly harping that "we need to do this..", and "we need to do that...", to which I've constantly replied "No, WE don't NEED to do ANYTHING!! ESPECIALLY if McW is going to sit on his buttocks doing nothing while EXPECTING US TO DO EVERYTHING!" Yeah, that was gas on an open flame, but continuing to make it easy for him to act the fool and shielding him from the consequences will only make his eventual fall harder. I know that now, have accepted my role by detaching, and now must deal with my own consequences.

    We'll see how it goes. For now, I just wonder what the next four weeks will be like at home if McW actually goes - and stays - at rehab. And for me, the anxiety of the post-rehab battle about where he stays will loom over my shoulder the whole time he's gone.

    Well, that's about it. Not much to debate or discuss, the situation simply is what it is. I just wanted to post an update. I could post more, but then I'd have to hire an editor and publisher.

  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. I kept hoping wife would begin to understand that doing for her son was not going to help him. Hopefully, that will come but who knows when.

    I pray that this won't lead to a divorce. A separation is more than likely but, hopefully, once her eyes are opened to the reality of what will and will not help her son, you two will be able to let the past go and be together again.

    Is there any chance you can get her to NA or Al-anon? I know she says no to therapy and this board, but these are neither of those things. They are a place she can go to get tools to help her help her son.

    No matter what, I think you're doing the right thing. I know how painful this is for you but it may be the only way to save your sanity.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I hope that McWeedy sees the light in rehab. But, like you, I don't think he is ready. I hope if you leave, you take Dancer with you -- at least for the weekends when McWeedy is most likely to be lighting the house up.
  4. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Mikey,
    I am so proud of you--you have done so amazingly well at detachment 101--I think you can now teach the course. I am so sorry things are so bad with both McWeedy and wife but I think you are absolutely right--he is not sincere at all about wanting to change, he just wants to avoid jail. Thanks for keeping us updated and please let us know the next chapter in the drama. You sure are a good role model!

  5. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Nope, not a chance in the world. I can't explain it, but she adamantly refuses to do anything like that. And from the "if I didn't laugh I'd cry" department, she even refused to go to any of the family counseling sessions during McWeedy's previous "intensive outpatient" treatment, and forced me to go.

    "I just can't go to that, you have to do it". Why, wife? "Because I just can't! Either you go, or nobody goes, but I'm NOT going and that's the end of it."

    So, I went, and McW and I glared and growled at each other for the better part of an hour.

    And yet, I get the cattleprod in the arse for "giving up on our son", and "not wanting to help".

    Sometimes, I wish I'd stuck with cats and hamsters.....

  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Mikey---I KNOW this is the hardest thing you have ever done. None of us with addicts in our lives expects to ever get to the place where detachment in our only means of survival. But, if we are to survive, we must reach that stage.

    Be prepared. Very few make the first round of rehab. After a week he will have learned his lesson. There will be more drugs there than you can even imagine. The counselors don't understand him. Every other patient is so much worse than he ever was.....wife will buy it. You know better.

    He will triangulate you---he's been doing that already. wife will be the good guy. You will remain the bad guy. You will be told you are cold and heartless. You will be called horrible names and ignored in your own home.

    If he comes home he will talk about all the changes he will make in his life. It will last a few days. Then he will go back to his lifestyle and the chaos will start again.

    I wish I had hope for McW---but I have been at this for much longer than you and well, nothing ever really changes....
  7. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Don't think that will happen, either. Where I live, Mom gets custody almost all the time. And since I'm the one setting conditions on whether or not I will be living there, my attorney friend doesn't think I have much of a chance of taking Dancer with me.

    I really, really don't want to do that. And in truth, I probably wouldn't do it even if I could. I may be angry enough to eat a beehive, but I don't want my family to disintegrate. I'm doing what I'm doing to preserve my own sanity, and also force McWeedy that much closer to "real life consequences" by refusing to support his bad decisions any more. And wife, bless her poor soul, won't be able to keep him afloat for long without me, no matter how hard she tries..

    I believe that eventually, wife will see the light, if for no other reason than McWeedy won't stop being McButthead. Now that I'm out of the picture, she can't blame me anymore. I hope and pray that when she finally gets to that point, that she sees I'm trying to do what's right, not trying to abandon her and our family. In a way, I feel it's the only chance I have to save our family.

    But, if I scat and try to take Dancer with me, then that's an outright declaration of war, and there will be NO going back or salvaging our relationship. If it comes to me leaving (and I really hope it doesn't), I'll go on my own. If wife then "hits bottom" we can try to salvage our relationship. If she doesn't, then I'll be in a better position to do, well, whatever I have to for the safety of my children still left in the house.

    But I hope it doesn't come to that. In fact, a friend of mine even suggested that I move into the "man cave", i.e. my basement, before anything else. If the time comes, it's something to think about....

  8. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    EW, I've also come to the same conclusion. That's the core reason for my ultimatum that either he or I live in the house, but not both of us. And wife can choose.

    wife will NOT get to the same point I am as long as I'm around for him, well, them to blame. That's why I think that my bluff is going to be called, and I'll have to move out. And, I didn't think of it before, but now that you mention it I don't even think I'll have four weeks to get ready - McWeedy will probably try to weasel his way back home within a week.

    Guess I have some thinking, and some preparation, to do. I hope and pray that wife doesn't pull that trigger, but I have to be ready to shoot if she does. Like I said, I agree with you that as long as McW continues acting out and wife continues to be his co-dependent nursemaid, then my being in the house gives them a ready-made person to blame - and an excuse to continue their sick dance.

    Homey don't play that. Not anymore.

  9. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    I'm going to ignore that part, but I know you know we were all shaking our head reading that sentence.

    Yes, unfortunately it sounds like wife is still under the dellusion that if she loves him enough and wants him to get better enough, he will.

    If he's not working, he's not going to school, he's still out getting drunk and/or high, and she still wants to pay for attorneys, etc. and she hasnt' gotten it by now, I'm not sure she ever will. It's so sad because she must really think she can "save him from himself" by just loving him enough. I wish it were that easy.

    It sounds like you already realize how this is all going to go down - that wife is going to allow difficult child back into the house whether he completes the program or not, and will not push for a sober house. It more than likely will come to you moving out. Perhaps at that point, when you truly aren't there (and not just living in the basement, but really and truly out of the picture) to help bail difficult child out over and over, she will realize that she can't do it for difficult child - that only HE can do it.

    Sending you strength and supportive hugs, Mikey. This is not going to be easy, but I know you already know that. Thinking about it and actually doing it though are miles apart. I do think you've finally reached the "doing" point.

  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Amen, Amen! Mikey for months we heard you rant about what you were "going" to do. I have waited for a long time for you to get to the point of action.

    husband and I, while still not on the same page, have agreed to disagree about life with a difficult child. Years ago, when he (husband) went for treatment, I started my own bank account. All monies are kept seperate. We split the bills. He pays his portion, I pay mine. If he chooses to blow his money on helping difficult child---I don't say a word. It's his to do as he pleases (after he pays his portion of the bills.) I do not give him any if he is short because of difficult child. It saves a lot of arguments. I'm not seen as the bad guy anymore.

    If it came down to it, husband knows I will leave. He loves me enough to keep difficult child in check. difficult child knows if he steals from me or uses my account illegaglly that he will face charges. I've already proved that.

    It's hard to admit you don't like your own child. I love him. But I don't like his attitude, his work ethic, his values, his friends, his choices, his drug use. I love my husband. I don't like his enabling difficult child--but I can't make his choices for him.

    Keep detaching. Detach from the situation with difficult child without detaching from the family. It's hard, but it is doable. Good luck.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am so proud of you. And I am so sorry that wife is not there yet. I hope she gets there sooner than later.

    Hugs for your hurting daddy/husband heart.
  12. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    I've thought pretty hard about this, and when I get the "you don't love me because you're not doing what I want line", I remember this:

    As my son, he is entitled to all the love I can give him, without any preconditions. He has that, because love is truly wanting - and committing - to what's best for your loved one.

    ...I will never stop loving my son, no matter how much it hurts.

    As my son, he deserves the benefit of the doubt; trust is given without asking, and is his to lose. By his own actions and lack of respect for his parents and household, he has lost my trust and must now earn it back.

    ...But just because I don't trust him, that doesn't mean I don't love him.

    As my son, he is entitled to be treated with respect. Respect is given for how you conduct yourself and your life. By his conduct, his actions, and how he treats those who love him (and deserve better), he has lost my respect and must earn it back.

    ...But just because I don't respect him, that doesn't mean that I don't love him.

    As my son, he is right to feel entitled to support - physical, mental, emotional, and monetary. Supporting your child is an expectation that all civilized societies demand of parents, and a responsibility that nearly all parents feel obligated to meet. However, once your child becomes an adult, the responsibility for support is no longer there, other than what the parents choose to continue providing.

    Any and all support I've given McWeedy has been either turned against me, or has been used to support his acting out; therefore, I will no longer support him because it is only making his situation worse. When he changes his life, and shows that he deserves my support, he will have it.

    ...But just because I won't support him, it doesn't mean that I don't love him.

    And that is at the heart of my disagreement with wife. She can't fathom the concept that you can love someone unconditionally, even if you don't trust them, don't respect them, and won't support their every whim.

    I love my son, and am doing what I feel is the best thing I can for him. wife disagrees. So be it.

  13. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Oh Mikey, I don't even know what to say.....! What a nightmare you are living. I pray it will end.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry it has come to this. But I am not surprised. Your wife seems determined to enable every single one of McW's dangerous habits.

    I think that most states will give a child Dancer's age a CHOICE of which parent to live with, or else will do shared custody.

    You need to have a PRIVATE conversation letting Dancer know that YOU will keep her safe from her bro, NOT restrict her visists with wife, and NOT let bro steal her $$/stuff. Let her know that at any time she wants to change living arrangements, you will welcome her.

    I am very glad you have come to the position/actions you have. It truly is the ONLY way to try to save your son's life.

    I simply am befuddled at how a thinking individual can keep indulging an addict "in their best interest"? But I truly think it will be many many years before wife realizes that SHE has destroyed your son by not standing strong against his addiction.

    Sending hugs, my friend.


    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Mikey, All I can say is I'll be praying for you and your family. You are so strong and RIGHT with what you are doing. I hope I never need to follow in your footsteps, but expect that I will eventually be in a very similar situation. Wishing all the best, and that McW has a revelation, wife too. . . Take care,
  16. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    WOW you have done so well! Sorry it doesn't feel like it. I remember that feeling. Thinking of you & yours, hoping for the best.

  17. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I agree. And I too am sorry things are the way they are in your house. While husband and I aren't in the position you and your wife are and our difficult child isn't into drugs, I can easily see how gfgdom can affect relationships. Our difficult child has come really close to affecting ours.

    I hope rehab gets through to McWeedy and I hope wife will have an epiphany and I hope you don't have to leave your home. We can all hope but the reality is that it's out of your hands now. It will be up to McW and wife and unfortunately that means that you just have to wait it out to see what happens. No real words of advice but sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I have not been part of the McWeedy trilogy, but I can feel for your situation. Df and I nearly came to being divorced before we were married over Dude.

    My DF was a lot like you are in the ways that he tried over and over again to help a child that isn't his. They adopted each other when Dude was 10 - but not legally. And Dude's bio father is not worth a mention.

    I don't know at what point I realized that my DF was serious about leaving. It was killing him to even say it, and for a while (brief while) I thought it was just talk. When we all went to family counseling one night and DF who rarely spoke long unloaded for 40 minutes about how Dude treats us, me in particular, the times we've "wiped the slate" only to have crapola thrown at us time and again. He was direct and to the point, but cited numerous times that Dude had disrespected his mother and him, and if I wanted to stay and put up with it - I was welcome to do so, but he could not any longer." I knew he was serious.

    Then our therapist worked with me one on one and asked me what I thought life would be without DF. Had I considered that I was 42 and had finally found someone I loved and who loved me - was I willing to risk MY future over and over on Dude? And I didn't have to answer I was just supposed to think all the next week about what "helping" Dude meant to my future husband. A man who had been the best Step-Father ever, even better than some real dads. Did I want to see myself in 5 years wondering what my life would have been like WITH him, his love and support or would I rather let Dude stay and try to think what life would be like 5 years from now with a child who has a history of NOT wanting to change and probably will not - and even if he did - I'd still be alone.

    So I pondered that for a while and it gave me some insight as to what could really happen in 5 years. I'd be almost 50 - I'd be alone, I'd be living in the Drama that is Dude because to think that when DF left that it would make Dude change because he'd be so sorry - that now I was alone - was a joke. Dude wouldn't care - he never has, he only cares about himself and you when he needs something. I want so badly to think that IF I just did this one last thing or arranged this one last meeting, or stood up against this one last prosecutor, teacher, cop, businessman, friend, that at some point Dude would SEE that I'm not giving up on him - ever. And then it hit me - Does it really make a difference to keep standing up for someone who wants to do nothing for themselves? Am I doing more harm than good? Is he just a baby bird that stuck too long in the nest with doting parents? And No - No to any of it - If I keep doing it - he's never EVER going to learn. If I keep allowing this to happen at 17 - it won't make a dang difference at 18,19.20 - and so on. HE will change when he wants to - and IF I'm still around - good for us both. in the mean time - Off to save myself - literally. Because he's toxic. And if anything was going to work that we've tried to date? I am told it would have worked. What isn't working? Dude- not towards any of it. He thinks everyone will swoop in at the last minute and save him - and this time - there isnt' - I had to move onn and hope that eventually he gets it, and changes. If he doesn't? Ever??? I've removed myself from the drama. Staying around isn't noble like I thought it was - it was killing me.

    Mikey, I love my son. I love him more than anything I can think of and would and have done everything in my power to put tools in his path to help him change. And he continues to choose not to change. So the ONLY thing I could do to prevent my heart from being broken was to let him go and detach, and continue to work on detaching. And I HATE IT. I hate even the word detach. I think of my head being lifted off my shoulders like an English gent tips a hat in the 19th century. But it was either Detach from difficult child - or Loose myself, my son and my DF. If I had let DF go - I would have been miserable in years to come because he really is my soul mate - and Dude? Dude's young he has his WHOLE life ahead of him.

    Ask your wife seriously where she sees herself in 5 years without you. When DF stepped out of the picture and really let me have Dude ALL to myself for every aspect of his life - it was awful. But to think that 5 years from now I would be ALONE with an OLDER more advanced and street wise Dude ? icicles for raindrops Know what I mean??

    Just sending my regards - You're not alone.
  19. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Star, in one or two sentences, you've elegantly summed up my dilemma. My answer is "NO", it doesn't help to stand up for someone who won't stand up for themselves. You could just as easily say "prop up" as "stand up", and the effect would be the same.

    In the end, you cannot do for someone what they won't do for themselves. You can't trust or respect someone who has no self-respect and isn't trustworthy. You can love them with your heart and soul, but you can't make them change.

    In the end, I think that's where we both are with our children.

  20. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    I once had a pastor who had a favorite saying about The Rapture, and whether or not the "saved" would be taken into heaven before (pre) or after (post) Tribulation.

    He would say "Pray for 'pre', but prepare for 'post'".

    And that's what I'm doing. I really, truly, hope for the best - despite my misgivings about his motivation and sincerity. That said, I'm also preparing for the more likely outcome of him leaving rehab early, getting kicked out, or coming home no better than he was before.

    C'mon little duckies, ya gotta get in a row for me before McWeedy gets home...