Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Well, barring some kind of catastrophe, McWeedy will be in 28-day residential rehab starting tonight. It's been a long, tough road, and I don't have a lot of confidence that this will really do anything for him, but it's one of the few things left that hasn't been tried yet.
Unfortunately, the road to this place has left some serious bomb craters in our family, and I don't know if they'll heal over at all.
Several weeks ago, after constant prodding (nagging) on my part, McW finally went to see his lawyer. At that time, his attorney asked him point blank: "Are you finally ready to stop smoking dope, stealing, and doing all the other things you're in trouble for? McW grunted out the universal teenage acknowledgment of "yeah". Attorney says "If you're not ready to change, then don't bother with anything else. Simply "man up", go to court, take your lumps, and then go back to your life. Anything else would be a waste of my time, your time, your parent's time, and their money. And in the end, you'll STILL end up in jail."
That was part of a discussion about going to rehab, a sober house, etc. McW said that he still wanted to try to quit. "Are you SURE? Are you sure that this is what you want, and not just an attempt to stay out of jail?". "Yep" sez the Weedwhacker. So, the attorney then sends McW on his way with a list of things to start doing, while he tries to work with the prosecutors on the Diversion violations and the shoplifting.
His attorney told him to find a local rehab that would take him (and our insurance), start looking at local sober house programs for after rehab, and then get into AA/NA as soon as possible. The idea was to build up some credibility for his supposed "desire to change" before his next court date.
Well, after carefully considering the thoughtful and expert advice of the attorney WE paid for, he tossed it out the window and lost his friggen mind. Over the next few weeks, went downhill in a hurry. I guess McW felt that the threat of jail was off his back, so he started acting out again. He would go out drinking and come home drunk, he would stay out all night for several nights a week with no excuse for where he was, he NEVER went to a single AA/NA meeting, he dropped out of every class he had at the local JUCO, stopped going to work, and basically became a leech.
It only took a week of that for me to finally say "I quit". As so many others here have advised me, I finally told McW that he was on his own; if he could con his Mom into helping, then so be it, but don't look to me for ANYTHING. And for the next three weeks (up 'till today), that's exactly what I've done. Truth be told, it'll probably drive me and wife to divorce, but as others here predicted she's getting a bellyfull of his antics now. I lock the door at midnight, she goes down and lets him stumble in at 1:30am. I said that I'm out of the whole McWeedy drama, and she tries to force me to deal with him and his problems.
Her latest guilt trip is "I can't believe you've left me to do EVERYTHING for him, you won't help with anything, and I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!" <...insert screaming here...>. I warned McW that if he acted the fool one more time, that I wouldn't even pay for rehab. That night, he decided to take off for the weekend, so I said no money for rehab. Later that week, wife is having a major pity party because she's having to handle all the rehab, insurance, and other stuff on her own.
She finally yells at me "I can't do this, you HAVE to help me". No, I don't. "Fine, then I'll just do whatever I know, which is to write a check and you can figure out how to pay for it". We don't have the money in the bank, wife. "Then I'll write it anway, and you'll have to help if you don't want it to bounce". No, I don't, and I can't believe that you'd ruin our credit to make a meaningless point. "Then I'll put it on the credit card, any you'll have to pay it". No, I won't. "You're acting like such a child!!!". Maybe, but this is my decision. If you choose to continue supporting McW and shielding him from consequences, then you can handle the results. "Don't you want him to go to rehab? Why are you so against his getting help?" Because he doesn't really want to go, he just wants to avoid jail. "How do you know? Can you suddenly read minds?" No, it's just that he hasn't done a single thing his attorney has asked him to do, he hasn't stopped drinking, and he's stopped doing ANYTHING around the house as a family member. Does that sound like he really wants to quit? "Isn't it better to get him to rehab, no matter what?" Not if he doesn't want to be there, since it'll be a waste of several thousand dollars that we don't have. "I can't do this alone, and you HAVE to help me!!!". No, I don't, and I resent you trying to manipulate me into doing something that I so strongly disagree with. If you want to do this, then do it, but don't drag me into it, and don't hurt the family in the process.
Yep, that was a fun day. But, I guess she finally got the insurance, the scheduling, and everything else (including payment plans) figured out on her own. But somewhere along the way, McW tops all his other antics by getting a ticket for 60 in a 40, no DL, no insurance, and no seatbelt. He blows it off, says his lawyer doesn't think anything will happen, so we shouldn't be so upset.
Then, McW starts postponing when he wants to go to rehab. First, he can't go because of something I don't remember. Then, he doesn't want to miss prom. Then, he wants "one final time at the lake", so he delayed again until Monday. All this time, I'm now out of the picture. McW is still coming in late (or not at all), still not working, still not helping with anything, and still leaving his Mom to do everything for him. He even had the gall to disappear from Saturday afternoon until last night, leaving wife to get everything ready for his vacation at rehab.
As far as I know, he still hasn't made arrangements for any after-rehab sober house, even though there are five of them with vacancies within 10 minutes of our house. I've already stated that once McW goes away, then he can't come back until he completes rehab and at least six months in a sober house. Anything less, and I'll move out if he moves back in. That sounds harsh, I know, but I'm in a situation where no matter what I do, I can't win. Detachment is working for me, but it's driving wife nuts (that was predicted, I believe). But I can't sit back and watch the codependency dance with wife and McW any more, where I'm simply the muscle that's expected to wait in the corner until I'm summoned to deal with a mess.
No more.
So, like I said, it's finally happening. I hope that something good will come of it, but I don't have much faith that it will because I don't think McW is sincere. I think that he and wife will concoct some whacko excuse for McW to move back in after rehab and call my bluff. At this point, wife and I haven't said 10 civil words to each other in weeks, so I don't know what's left to lose if I pull up the stakes and move my tent somewhere else.
In detaching over the last few weeks, I've found some personal peace, but it's ripping my family apart. The truth, though, is that it can't be avoided, not if McW is going to have any REAL chance to change. wife is constantly harping that "we need to do this..", and "we need to do that...", to which I've constantly replied "No, WE don't NEED to do ANYTHING!! ESPECIALLY if McW is going to sit on his buttocks doing nothing while EXPECTING US TO DO EVERYTHING!" Yeah, that was gas on an open flame, but continuing to make it easy for him to act the fool and shielding him from the consequences will only make his eventual fall harder. I know that now, have accepted my role by detaching, and now must deal with my own consequences.
We'll see how it goes. For now, I just wonder what the next four weeks will be like at home if McW actually goes - and stays - at rehab. And for me, the anxiety of the post-rehab battle about where he stays will loom over my shoulder the whole time he's gone.
Well, that's about it. Not much to debate or discuss, the situation simply is what it is. I just wanted to post an update. I could post more, but then I'd have to hire an editor and publisher.
Mikey
Unfortunately, the road to this place has left some serious bomb craters in our family, and I don't know if they'll heal over at all.
Several weeks ago, after constant prodding (nagging) on my part, McW finally went to see his lawyer. At that time, his attorney asked him point blank: "Are you finally ready to stop smoking dope, stealing, and doing all the other things you're in trouble for? McW grunted out the universal teenage acknowledgment of "yeah". Attorney says "If you're not ready to change, then don't bother with anything else. Simply "man up", go to court, take your lumps, and then go back to your life. Anything else would be a waste of my time, your time, your parent's time, and their money. And in the end, you'll STILL end up in jail."
That was part of a discussion about going to rehab, a sober house, etc. McW said that he still wanted to try to quit. "Are you SURE? Are you sure that this is what you want, and not just an attempt to stay out of jail?". "Yep" sez the Weedwhacker. So, the attorney then sends McW on his way with a list of things to start doing, while he tries to work with the prosecutors on the Diversion violations and the shoplifting.
His attorney told him to find a local rehab that would take him (and our insurance), start looking at local sober house programs for after rehab, and then get into AA/NA as soon as possible. The idea was to build up some credibility for his supposed "desire to change" before his next court date.
Well, after carefully considering the thoughtful and expert advice of the attorney WE paid for, he tossed it out the window and lost his friggen mind. Over the next few weeks, went downhill in a hurry. I guess McW felt that the threat of jail was off his back, so he started acting out again. He would go out drinking and come home drunk, he would stay out all night for several nights a week with no excuse for where he was, he NEVER went to a single AA/NA meeting, he dropped out of every class he had at the local JUCO, stopped going to work, and basically became a leech.
It only took a week of that for me to finally say "I quit". As so many others here have advised me, I finally told McW that he was on his own; if he could con his Mom into helping, then so be it, but don't look to me for ANYTHING. And for the next three weeks (up 'till today), that's exactly what I've done. Truth be told, it'll probably drive me and wife to divorce, but as others here predicted she's getting a bellyfull of his antics now. I lock the door at midnight, she goes down and lets him stumble in at 1:30am. I said that I'm out of the whole McWeedy drama, and she tries to force me to deal with him and his problems.
Her latest guilt trip is "I can't believe you've left me to do EVERYTHING for him, you won't help with anything, and I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!" <...insert screaming here...>. I warned McW that if he acted the fool one more time, that I wouldn't even pay for rehab. That night, he decided to take off for the weekend, so I said no money for rehab. Later that week, wife is having a major pity party because she's having to handle all the rehab, insurance, and other stuff on her own.
She finally yells at me "I can't do this, you HAVE to help me". No, I don't. "Fine, then I'll just do whatever I know, which is to write a check and you can figure out how to pay for it". We don't have the money in the bank, wife. "Then I'll write it anway, and you'll have to help if you don't want it to bounce". No, I don't, and I can't believe that you'd ruin our credit to make a meaningless point. "Then I'll put it on the credit card, any you'll have to pay it". No, I won't. "You're acting like such a child!!!". Maybe, but this is my decision. If you choose to continue supporting McW and shielding him from consequences, then you can handle the results. "Don't you want him to go to rehab? Why are you so against his getting help?" Because he doesn't really want to go, he just wants to avoid jail. "How do you know? Can you suddenly read minds?" No, it's just that he hasn't done a single thing his attorney has asked him to do, he hasn't stopped drinking, and he's stopped doing ANYTHING around the house as a family member. Does that sound like he really wants to quit? "Isn't it better to get him to rehab, no matter what?" Not if he doesn't want to be there, since it'll be a waste of several thousand dollars that we don't have. "I can't do this alone, and you HAVE to help me!!!". No, I don't, and I resent you trying to manipulate me into doing something that I so strongly disagree with. If you want to do this, then do it, but don't drag me into it, and don't hurt the family in the process.
Yep, that was a fun day. But, I guess she finally got the insurance, the scheduling, and everything else (including payment plans) figured out on her own. But somewhere along the way, McW tops all his other antics by getting a ticket for 60 in a 40, no DL, no insurance, and no seatbelt. He blows it off, says his lawyer doesn't think anything will happen, so we shouldn't be so upset.
Then, McW starts postponing when he wants to go to rehab. First, he can't go because of something I don't remember. Then, he doesn't want to miss prom. Then, he wants "one final time at the lake", so he delayed again until Monday. All this time, I'm now out of the picture. McW is still coming in late (or not at all), still not working, still not helping with anything, and still leaving his Mom to do everything for him. He even had the gall to disappear from Saturday afternoon until last night, leaving wife to get everything ready for his vacation at rehab.
As far as I know, he still hasn't made arrangements for any after-rehab sober house, even though there are five of them with vacancies within 10 minutes of our house. I've already stated that once McW goes away, then he can't come back until he completes rehab and at least six months in a sober house. Anything less, and I'll move out if he moves back in. That sounds harsh, I know, but I'm in a situation where no matter what I do, I can't win. Detachment is working for me, but it's driving wife nuts (that was predicted, I believe). But I can't sit back and watch the codependency dance with wife and McW any more, where I'm simply the muscle that's expected to wait in the corner until I'm summoned to deal with a mess.
No more.
So, like I said, it's finally happening. I hope that something good will come of it, but I don't have much faith that it will because I don't think McW is sincere. I think that he and wife will concoct some whacko excuse for McW to move back in after rehab and call my bluff. At this point, wife and I haven't said 10 civil words to each other in weeks, so I don't know what's left to lose if I pull up the stakes and move my tent somewhere else.
In detaching over the last few weeks, I've found some personal peace, but it's ripping my family apart. The truth, though, is that it can't be avoided, not if McW is going to have any REAL chance to change. wife is constantly harping that "we need to do this..", and "we need to do that...", to which I've constantly replied "No, WE don't NEED to do ANYTHING!! ESPECIALLY if McW is going to sit on his buttocks doing nothing while EXPECTING US TO DO EVERYTHING!" Yeah, that was gas on an open flame, but continuing to make it easy for him to act the fool and shielding him from the consequences will only make his eventual fall harder. I know that now, have accepted my role by detaching, and now must deal with my own consequences.
We'll see how it goes. For now, I just wonder what the next four weeks will be like at home if McW actually goes - and stays - at rehab. And for me, the anxiety of the post-rehab battle about where he stays will loom over my shoulder the whole time he's gone.
Well, that's about it. Not much to debate or discuss, the situation simply is what it is. I just wanted to post an update. I could post more, but then I'd have to hire an editor and publisher.
Mikey