It's happening again.....

[BusynMember]

Of course its okay not to see him. You are still reeling and you want to detach. I dont blame you. It is harder to detach when you get involved. Worse when you see him...certainly he will put on a big act for you to pull you in. Not good for either one of you.

I would stop talking to or texting my sister for now. She is not respecting your wishes and you dont need this pressure.

 

[recoveringenabler]

It's not only OK NOT to see your son, at this point, it is necessary for your well being.......and his. Others, not in our shoes, have the luxury to judge us and make other plans, but they are NOT in our shoes, so their opinion doesn't work for us. Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do, you have much experience in this and you know exactly what to do. Trust yourself. You are doing the absolute appropriate thing.

Your son is a grown man who made choices that put him in the predicament that he is in. You are on the periphery, exactly where you are supposed to be.....you've temporarily slipped into the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. The antidote is to do something very kind for YOU. Focus on YOU.

(((HUGS)))

 

[RN0441]

Teary

I agree with everyone that is is certainly fine for you not to want to see him. I don't want to see my son right now either. Why? Because it makes me weak. It makes me think everything is okay because he looks "normal" but I know his brain is not right. I can't fix his brain. I can't kill myself trying. I can lead him to water (which I have) but I cannot make him drink.

Your sister doesn't get it. A lot of us have family and/or friends that don't get it. That's on her, not you. Do not feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

This is your son's journey. You have to try to remember that. You can't control what he does or what his consequences are nor should you. Maybe he wasn't doing as well as you thought the past few years but you did not know about it? Either way, maybe this is what needed to happen for him to see that his lifestyle choices are not good and it is not the way he really wants to live.

It's hard to watch someone we love so much self destruct but many of us here are in that unfortunate position. All we can do is get help for ourselves so that we can get through it. Our suffering does nothing to help them and even less to help us.

Do you see a therapist or have anyone that you can get emotional support from? I think that is key. At least it has been for me. You're going to need some support.

We're pulling for you!

 

[Littleboylost]

So.....my son is possibly facing 2+ years in prison for his latest stunt. He is in jail in another state. His next court hearing is Sept 12 and unless he gets bailed out, he will sit there until then. After that who knows what will happen or what his sentence will be. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I AM NOT bailing him out this time. On any level, financially, emotionally, etc. I know that I cannot do it. I have made up my mind. I don't want to visit him or see him. I will accept his phone calls so that I can tell him I love him. That is all I am willing to do. I can't go down the rabbit hole with him again and the only way to avoid that is to keep my distance. My sister (I do think she has good intentions, she just still doesn't get it) has decided that she is going to fly out and visit him. She asked if I wanted to go. I told her no, that I am not interested in seeming him right now. But, she thinks I should give it some thought and mentioned that we could be there for his hearing. What part of I don't want to see my son is unclear? It makes it all the more difficult trying to detach and stay sane when there are people in the background giving their two cents about what I should or should not do. She has been through this with him before, but she is in the military and was deployed during many of the MAJOR Crisis' I have had with him. She just does not understand the full impact of what I have endured and how painful it is to continue on with this insanity.

I do not want to go. I do not want to see him. And I want my sister to respect my wishes. Now I am sitting here at work, questioning myself. Wondering. Feeling Guilty. Doubting. I would really like to go off the radar somewhere far, far away. I don't want to deal with any of this. Please tell me it is o.k for me to not see my son, to disengage from this mess and to trust myself and my decisions.

This is all just so confusing.............................

What other people think about you none of your business. And that includes your sister. Do what your heart can bear and know detaching in love is good for both you and your son.

 

[Albatross]

Teary Eyed, I think you deserve support, whatever you decide to do. I'm sorry your sister is causing you to doubt what your own heart is telling you. She may mean well, but she hasn't walked in your shoes. You do what's right for YOU.

 

[Tanya M]

My sister (I do think she has good intentions, she just still doesn't get it) has decided that she is going to fly out and visit him. She asked if I wanted to go. I told her no, that I am not interested in seeming him right now. But, she thinks I should give it some thought and mentioned that we could be there for his hearing. What part of I don't want to see my son is unclear?

Yes, I'm sure her intentions are good but they are hers not yours. Stand your ground.

She just does not understand the full impact of what I have endured and how painful it is to continue on with this insanity.

Teary, we will never be able to convince others the impact and stress our difficult adult kids have had on us. Until they live in our shoes, they just will not understand.
I know it's easier said than done but please try to let it go. If your sister wants to spend time and money so be it. Again, stand your ground. Also, you do not owe your sister any explanation as to why you do not want to go or why you will not bail your son out. Keep it simple, tell her something like "I will always love my son but he created this mess and the consequences are his"
There is no amount of money that we can throw at our difficult adult kids problems that will help them. All it does is drain our bank accounts.

I do not want to go. I do not want to see him. And I want my sister to respect my wishes. Now I am sitting here at work, questioning myself. Wondering. Feeling Guilty. Doubting. I would really like to go off the radar somewhere far, far away. I don't want to deal with any of this. Please tell me it is o.k for me to not see my son, to disengage from this mess and to trust myself and my decisions.

Yes, it's is perfectly okay to not want to see him. Yes, it's perfectly okay to disengage and detach. Not only is it okay, it's a very healthy thing for you to do. If you are able to get away for a few days you should. Even if on a Saturday, get in your car and just take off for a drive. Go check out a museum or antique shop. Get some ice cream. Take some time to recharge yourself.

I'll just add that if I went to the state where my son is in prison (I have family there) I would not go see him. It's not that I don't love him but my going to see him would only send a false message to him that I'm somehow going to help him. Sometimes it's just better to keep our distance even from our own children.

Hang in there!!

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry for the hurt and confusion of it all. I have learned I have no control of what others do. Yes. It hurts like few other things do to be misunderstood, undermined and second-guessed when a beloved child is floundering or lost.

I repress the memories of how others gossiped about and judged me including my own family. My son would gossip to neighbors about how mean to him I was and one to my face told me i was a bad mother. And then others would jump in to be the good parent that he did not have, enable him and then dump him utterly and completely.

All of this killing me off slowly. I would rage inside but what it was was horror . A sense of betrayal. And agony.

Did any of it really matter in the end? Not really. My son has his own story to write. I see that not one bit of my agony or want changed one word of his story.

Had I been a more highly evolved person I would have ignored the circus and.loved my monkey. Just that. In the end what importance did the audience have except to throw peanuts at us.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am sorry for the hurt and confusion of it all. I have learned I have no control of what others do. Yes. It hurts like few other things do to be misunderstood, undermined and second-guessed when a beloved child is floundering or lost.

I repress the memories of how others gossiped about and judged me including my own family. My son would gossip to neighbors about how mean to him I was and one to my face told me i was a bad mother. And then others would jump in to be the good parent that he did not have, enable him and then dump him utterly and completely.

All of this killing me off slowly. I would rage inside but what it was was horror . A sense of betrayal. And agony.

Did any of it really matter in the end? Not really. My son has his own story to write. I see that not one bit of my agony or want changed one word of his story.

Had I been a more highly evolved person I would have ignored the circus and.loved my monkey. Just that. In the end what importance did the audience have except to throw peanuts at us.

Oh how those words resonate with me as well!

 

[BusynMember]

My son threatened me once and I made him leave. He went to a friends house. This friend was sweet and naive and often treated poorly by my son. His parents were clueless. The mom called me to snap at me and tell me I should talk to my son and that I was a horrible mom when I said i didnt want to talk to him now. She hung up on me. I was in tears. Im sure she had not been told that my son had backed me into a corner, screamed at me and made his little sister shriek with fear.
Three weeks later, she tossed him out because of his behavior in her home.
Nobody gets it unless they see. Obviously she saw issues but never did call to apologize. People are quicker to instruct others on how to behave than to apologize. I learned to confide only in my therapist.

 

[Littleboylost]

My son threatened me once and I made him leave. He went to a friends house. This friend was sweet and naive and often treated poorly by my son. His parents were clueless. The mom called me to snap at me and tell me I should talk to my son and that I was a horrible mom when I said i didnt want to talk to him now. She hung up on me. I was in tears. Im sure she had not been told that my son had backed me into a corner, screamed at me and made his little sister shriek with fear.
Three weeks later, she tossed him out because of his behavior in her home.
Nobody gets it unless they see. Obviously she saw issues but never did call to apologize. People are quicker to instruct others on how to behave than to apologize. I learned to confide only in my therapist.

I have had the same thing happen several times when we have put our son out. He has never lasted 72 hours before he is asked to leave. They all call to criticize but NEVER to apologize. My home work this week is to recognize that what other people think of me is none of my business. It helps. I don't feel like such a useless ogre.

 

[JKF]

Hi TE. I remember you well from "back in the day"! I remember our sons being close in age and having very similar issues. Mine was doing ok for a couple of years as well. Not great but better than before. However, he was arrested on Aug 8 and has been in jail since. He is also in a different state. He has 4 felony charges and some misdemeanors. I've been flip flopping back and forth between being able to deal with it and being a complete mess. I have no wise words bc I'm in the same situation but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!

 

[TearyEyed]

Hi TE. I remember you well from "back in the day"! I remember our sons being close in age and having very similar issues. Mine was doing ok for a couple of years as well. Not great but better than before. However, he was arrested on Aug 8 and has been in jail since. He is also in a different state. He has 4 felony charges and some misdemeanors. I've been flip flopping back and forth between being able to deal with it and being a complete mess. I have no wise words bc I'm in the same situation but I wanted you to know you're not alone. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!

So glad to hear from you JKF! It is amazing how similar our situations are. Thank you for reaching out...it is comforting to be reminded that we are not alone on this journey. My son is still in jail and his next hearing is Tuesday. We will see what happens. I was a complete mess last week when I found out he was arrested. This week I am fluctuating between sadness and anger. Like all of us, my emotions are bouncing around all the time. I am thinking of you and your son and sending big hugs.

 

[pigless in VA]

Um, your son is adult. It is perfectly fine for you to let him handle his own messes. If your sister can handle the drama, let her go. I refused to even give my son a ride to the courthouse. It is his problem that he has no license or car. He was the one who got arrested. I was not going to go along and hold his hand.

 

[TearyEyed]

Um, your son is adult. It is perfectly fine for you to let him handle his own messes. If your sister can handle the drama, let her go. I refused to even give my son a ride to the courthouse. It is his problem that he has no license or car. He was the one who got arrested. I was not going to go along and hold his hand.

Pigless,

You are correct. I know it logically, but at times might heart fights it. I have to visit the state where my son is in jail this weekend for other matters. I am not going to visit him. It feels like a relief to not have to deal with his situation or seem him in that environment. I am finally learning that although he chooses this lifestyle, that does not mean I have to be a part of it and all the horror that goes along with it and that includes seeing him in jail. And yes, as far as my sister goes, I have to let her go for the time being as well. She has become overbearing, knows it all, condescending to me and that is the last thing I need when trying to muddle my way through this ongoing nightmare. It will never cease to amaze me that all those who have not walked in our shoes have all of this wonderful knowledge and wisdom about what it is we should or should not be doing regarding our Difficult Child. I wish I had those superpowers!! Life would be so much easier!

 

[CARP_ENOUGH]

Hi all,

I have been away from this site for a couple of years. My now 22 year old son was doing well for about 2 1/2 years but its happening again. I got a phone call from him yesterday. He is in jail in another state. I only talked to him for a minute and he would not give me any details. All he wanted was for me to call his boss at the new job he was supposed to start today to let him know he wouldn't be there. I looked up the jail where my son is and found out he is there for robbery with a deadly weapon.

I can barely breath. Or move. Or function. Its like I can't feel my body. I don't think I can do this. Not again. I am numb. I am so grateful for this site. I feel safe when I read the wisdom and guidance that all of you provide. For now, I think this is the only way to see me through. Knowing I am not alone.

I just can't believe this is happening. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I don't know how I can live the rest of my life like this.

TearyEyed,

I know exactly how you feel right now, my son had been arrested 3 times . 1 for pot in car at 17 , # 2 arrest, DUI (which was reduced to wreckless driving) thank God. #3, Violated probation by driving with his suspended license, #4 (which was the one that almost killed me was Petit Theft at Walmart for a $200 phone case)..he did 12 days in jail and he went almost crazy because he could not handle it. He finally was released into a mental ward for a Baker Act and as a Mother, I died inside.

At least your son is not local and in another state, but it doesn't help the AGONY you feel I know! You have to be tough for yourself and loved ones NOW that do cherish you. That is the only thing that got me through that last arrest. Since my son graduated HS, he has been slowly getting worse and then improves for 6 months and then something else. You have to live your life!! He doesn't care about how you feel and its not your fault. Believe me, I felt guilty every time! He blamed me for divorcing his father when he was 9 and still does...this forum is helping me to DETACH as cold as it sounds. They have to realize that robbery and stealing is not OK. They have to suffer the consequences as my son did...I pray to GOD he has learned his lesson after the last one...

I pray for your son that he gets help and doesn't do any time, maybe they give him probation or house arrest? He has to learn somehow and give him to God, let God take the wheel now from you and take your pain. Hugs to you and you are not alone.. Many blessings and peace for you and your Son.