It's just something every day, isn't it?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chaosuncontained, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Carson had a rough afternoon yesterday. Thursdays are MAJOR transition day. And it's hard for both Carson and I. On Thursdays my 4 step kids come over. And Carson's sister and little brother come over. So there are 7 kids in our house for the next 4-5 days.

    So last night after a huge tantrum ("I hate my life") over having to give the TV remote up to StepDad, I sent him to his room. "Go sit on your bed and calm down". I usually do this when he gets "out of control"--which happens SO quickly that I find it HARD to catch them before they escalate. This was at 7PM.

    He went to sleep within 15 minutes. I decided to let him sleep. When I tucked the other two into bed, I tried to rouse him enough to give him his medications. I could NOT get him to wake up enough to take them. He would sit up but not really be awake. So, we skipped medications last night (I know, Bad Mommy).

    Today his behavior has been horrible. Growling. Yelling. Kicking. Over the smallest of things. A few minutes ago he came into the living room without a shirt on. I asked him to go put his shirt back on. He told me he was hot. I told him to get a short sleeved shirt. Carson is a bit of a nudie. He like to run around in his underwear. So we had to make it a rule that EVERYONE be dressed in the house. He refused. I again asked him to get a shirt on. As he walked by his little brother, sitting on the floor, Carson kicked him. I sent him to his room to calm down.

    He ran to his room screaming that he hated everyone. It was all their fault he always got in trouble. He screamed at me "They all LIKE it when I get in trouble". I said to him "Then what do you think you should do?" I was sorta thinking of something along the lines of "Control myself, walk away, tell an adult, take deep breaths, count to 15..." And he said, very angry "KILL them!"

    He has never said this before. Very shocking to me. In the last few weeks he has called a teacher a "8itch", another teacher a "jerk" and "shot the finger" at another one. He has called students and sibling names. But never adults. And he sure has never said he wanted to "kill someone". And I don't suspect he really WOULD or attempt it. But it still was scary. (His potty talk has increased too. I know boys are gross but he wants to talk about poop, farts, burps, peeing and butts/boobs and "privates" ALL. THE. TIME.)

    Afterwards I talked to him about being angry. And that sometimes his anger was OK but it isn't OK to hurt someone with your hands or your words. He stayed in his bed for 20 minutes. Then came out hugging and apologizing to everyone.

    Comments? Advice? LOL I love you people.
  2. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    first, i'd have to say NEVER miss medications. if he can sit up, he can swallow. even if you have to put them in his mouth and hand him the drink and tell him to drink/swallow. tickle him if you must, if that works.
    second, i think you did the right thing talking to him about anger and that it's not okay to ever hurt anyone. i would work on practicing some anger techniques while he is calm so he is prepared to use them when the need be. give him a few, like calm down breathing which is one we use at our house or counting backwards. it may take a bit to find one that works for him. sounds like you alread know them and that he should maybe know them too, but it couldn't hurt to practice them a few more times and reward him with praise(after the situation is defused) if you see him using them. also, if this is something that happens weekly then you should do whatever you can to make it easier. for yourself, prepare as many meals and things ahead of time as you can. that way you can focus more on difficult child and the other kids instead of doing chores. make sure difficult child knows he can send himself to quiet time if need be. if tv is a trigger then maybe a written schedule that husband has to follow as well so there are defined turns and noone feels like they are missing out. maybe try to find something all the kids can work on together that would make them a 'team' like a big art project or building a cabin, or just going on a family walk in the bush to look for interesting things.
    i'm sure you have already tried and thought of some of these ideas but those are what comes to mind for me.
  3. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Yeah, I have (and his teachers have) discussed deep breathing, counting, walking away and talking to an adult when he feels an outburst coming on. It's just that...there isn't much, if any, warning when it happens.

    The stress of the weekend for him is that he gets to play with his only playmate--his 8yr old step brother. Carson's only "friend and playmate". So he is wired and wound up like an eight day clock. And the fact that for half of the week Carson is an only child. His little brother and older sister are triggers for him. Even when they are doing nothing (although his sister likes to poke the bear and see a show).

    The TV, I guess IS a trigger. Carson loves to say "I get the remote!!" Even when it is just us. And he will hold onto it like a lifeline. Carson gets to watch TV for about 2 hours (less if he has homework) after school. It is a "rule" that when Sweets (my husband) comes home HE gets the remote. This isn't a new thing... but it still upsets Carson to "hand over the remote". Most of the time we watch something that interests Carson, like shows about the Universe, Crock Hunter and the like. It's the idea of "turning over the remote" that upsets him most.

    Thanks for your ideas. I need to do the role playing thing with him...
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    You might need a rule that he NEVER gets the remote. Somehow you need to break that habit. He can request you change the channel but you or husband have the remote. Remind him that's it's not his, it is yours. My kids are in the process of learning the difference between rights and privileges. They have to earn tv time, computer time, and play time by taking care of responsibilities and there are chores they can choose from to earn extra time. They hated it at first but it has become habit for them already.

    Another thought is that role-playing doesn't work for some kids. It didn't for mine. I needed to teach "in the moment" for any of it to stick. One of the calming techniques difficult child 1 came up with that actually works is taking a warm shower while the tub fills and then he lays in it until he's calm. He loves it and it really does work. Now, when I see he's upset I simply tell him to "hit the shower".

    difficult child 1 also gets hot VERY easily. difficult child 2 and I can be COLD and he is running around in a pair of shorts and no shirt. Our rule is no showing undergarments or nudity. It is still appropriate but he can be comfortable. Would a compromise like that work for him? Just a thought.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    What about medications? I think I keep asking you this, sorry. But he is on 2 that can be revving his diagnosis is not just depression and adhd. And yes, to missing his medications last night, probably added fuel to the fire - but you are trying your best. I am just trying to trouble shoot why his behavior might be getting worse, and for patients with bi-polar or have mood instability, the fall season is really bad, and so are medications that rev, like SSRIs and Stims.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2011
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    that's interesting Steely, not sure we would change anything right now at our home, but the timing is interesting....I have often said halloween thru valentines day is a bust. We often thought that some of it was that placement for adoption was in fall. Many say that even if they can't remember exactly, they feel it. the trauma of the change.

    I can sure relate to the inappropriate you well know. It is so tough. I think these guys say I will kill or whatever like a preschooler says it...just to share their feelings. Not to be homicidal.

    {{{hugs}}} sounds like he is having a rough time.
  7. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Right now, his diagnosis are: Depression, ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I am not confident AT ALL that this is the right diagnosis. Or not the main one. I highly suspect Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)... I think we are medicating symptoms of something bigger. And the medications aren't cutting it. Or maybe they ARE helping--I'd hate to see how he would behave if he was on nothing. While he doesn't have a "real" diagnosis for the mood disorder...he is being medicated to help with them. As far as the season contributing... I dunno. I have Bipolar, seasons don't play into my moods at all (or to my knowledge haha).

    He has just recieved some evaluations from the Special Education here in my county, for possible IEP. I do not have the results, no one has called to schedule a meeting or tell me results. And he has an appointment with a Psychologist for another evaluation on Nov 29th. I am so (horrible I know) WANTING them to tell me something is WRONG. Mainly to be able to be on the right track in helping him (and me) and, because it will validate all my "mommy gut" feelings.

    He had another tantrum this evening over the computer with his sister. More screaming. More "You all hate me"! I tried talking to him but I couldn't get him to stop yelling and screaming to listen to anything I said. So I left his room (mad). I talked to his sister (she's 11) at length and for the first time told her everything. How he is different. How he is wired differently. How he can not help most of his fits. How it is so easy to escalate him to a tantrum/rage. I told her it is NOT funny to "poke the bear to watch it have a fit". I told her of all his problems at school. How I think he is "sick" and needs ALL of our help. How he is being tested by professional doctors to try and figure out how we can help him. She was very touched. I asked her to help by not irritating, aggravating or frusterating if she can help it. She promised to help.

    After I talked to Claudia I went to talk to Carson. He had calmed down. I told him that he was on a "break" from the computer but he should go watch a movie with his two younger brothers. He did. Haven't had another major blow up. He is in bed, hopefully asleep. When I tucked him in I told him "Tomorrow is a new day". Whew, this one was rough.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I bet your instinct to talk to your daughter was just the right thing. She was maybe doing some of those things as sibs do, but some maybe because she was frustrated and confused by his behaviors too. I have a sister who now is diagnosis bipolar, but she has had not had any serious mental health crises, still it affects her life for sure. I suspect she was this way as a child too. My childhood view of it was she was a favorite of my dad's (I was the one who always had to give in, and always got yelled at) and I would be mean to her at times in retaliation. If they had known why she was a kid who tantrumed, had to have her way, kind of kid and if they could have explained it to me, I think my heart would have loved, cared and encouraged her. I was like that as a child, so I do believe I would have. (not saying I was a saint, certainly just a normal kid, just super sensitive and I loved/do love my sister).

    Kids are much more capable of deep understanding when things are put in their terms at their level than most of us give credit for. Will she always be perfect in handling this??? probably not. She is a kid after-all... but I bet she will try and it might make a huge difference. You might want to remind her that this is family business. Some things in family are private and just between family and the doctors who are trying to help. It could be hard for Carson in the future if rumors and private topics are discussed on the playground. (not from your daughter, but if she tells someone and it goes thru the grapevine).

    You are an amazing mom.