"It's Just Who I Am!"

[Bunny]

Lsst week difficult child had this huge blow out. I can't even remember what it was about, but during the epidose difficult child tells me that I'm trying to change him and that I am just going to have to accept that this is who he is. I replied that I am not trying to change him, but that I want him to understand that he can not go through life treating people with disrespect. He has to be nicer. When he gets older and has a job no boss on the face of this earth is going to put up with his nonsense?

His answer?

"When I get out of culinary school I'm going to OWN the restaurant. I won't have to take orders from some dumb ass!"

Last night it was calling his brother stupid. I told him that he would be howling if someone call him stupid and he can't call other peole names.

His answer?

"People can't call me stupid because I'm not. No matter what you think about easy child, he IS stupid and nothing that you say can change that."

I'm starting to think that he is never going to get the whole "treating people with respect" thing.

Anyone else going through this?

 

[DaisyFace]

Bunny--

Yes, we went through this for YEARS!

I will tell you what worked for us:

BOUNDARIES

When family members stopped explaining and started refusing to respond when difficult child was speaking disrespectfully....when "nice" things stopped happening for difficult child after disrespecting a family member....and "natural consequences" such as 'Game Over' for nasty talk.

Even though we still have rages and yelling and swearing - the name calling is WAAAAYYY down.

(And when difficult child disrespected her Dad yesterday - she was getting out of line by talking "down" to him...in the past, it would have been foul names for sure.)

 

[InsaneCdn]

We got to the bottom of what the REAL dxes were... (only took 10 years, mind you), and... now that we have the right accommodations, interventions and medications? All that koi is WAY down.... like, down to typical teen stuff. Nothing else we tried, in between, did any good.

 

[idohope]

Definitely going through this. Dont have a solution. Look forward to hearing what others have to say.

 

[KTMom91]

I used to tell Miss KT, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it." When she'd be all upset because she'd gotten into it yet again with someone, I wasn't very sympathetic, knowing how mean she was when talking about people, I figured she was just as mean to their faces. All I can say is the peer group broke her of her smart mouth faster than I could, and I have been known to name call too (under extreme provocation).

 

[sjexpress]

We too are dealing with lack of respect for certain individuals. difficult child is relentless with talking down to and name calling to his younger brother. I absolutely hate it! I have tried to explain a million times that his brother has feelings too and each time you say something nasty or hurtful, you hurt his feelings. difficult child's answer....who cares!! Nice, huh? Of course if easy child brother calls difficult child names in response, difficult child gets even madder and then many times gets physical and shoves or smacks easy child. difficult child is also disrespectful to husband. If he does not like husband speaking to him when he is doing or has done something wrong, difficult child just cuts him off with a loud, nasty "shut up" and then just repeats it over and over if husband tries to keep talking. It is all husband can do to keep from smacking him around. I have no idea what the answer is to this problem. We certainly never have called difficult child names or spoke rudely to him. It's also a bad situation because now I see easy child starting to behave like difficult child when he gets mad but at least easy child can be spoken to and will respond to reason and has a fear of punishment, unlike difficult child.

 

[Bunny]

Of course if easy child brother calls difficult child names in response, difficult child gets even madder...

OMG!! Yes!! That is exactly what happens in our house. I've talk about this here before. difficult child wants to be treated with all kinds of respect and niceness, but refuses to treat people that way in return.

Last night it was the same stuff. easy child was trying to get all of his homwork done before we had to leave for religion. The deal is supposed to be when someone is doing homework the other one has to be respectful and quiet so that the homework doer can concentrate. Easy, right? difficult child kept coming into the kitchen being noisy, trying to get easy child to look at him doing something stupid. I told him that easy child was trying to do homework and to be quiet. Somehow, easy child got the homework done. Later, when difficult child was doing his homework easy child was in his room and must have been talking to one of his toys and difficult child went balistic because easy child wouuldn't be quiet so that he could get his homework done. I told him now he knew what easy child felt like earlier in the afternoon. Of course, in typical difficult child fashion, difficult child says that was a completely different situation and that easy child needs to learn that when difficult child tells him to shut up he needs to shut up.

Seriously, 18 just can not come soon enough.

 

[Malika]

Bunny, does your son have another side? The reason I ask this is because it's almost like two beings inhabit my son (but not in a bipolar kind of way, I don't think, I hasten to add). One is really sweet natured, helpful, wanting to please and co-operate - the other is just like what you describe here, rude and disrespectful and just plain "difficult" in a way that truly wants to make you slap him. The latter personage (Mr Hyde) seems to appear, of course, when he is in the grip of emotions he presumably cannot control, often centred around something he wants but cannot have, or not the way he wants it in that moment...
As I say, this experience makes me want to ask the question of whether your boy has a good-natured side that can be exploited.

 

[llamafarm]

Of course we are going through this. Over and over we discuss how treats he other people, but right after I think he gets a little, there he goes again! It is hard to take and hard to listen to day after day.

 

[Bunny]

Bunny, does your son have another side? The reason I ask this is because it's almost like two beings inhabit my son (but not in a bipolar kind of way, I don't think, I hasten to add). One is really sweet natured, helpful, wanting to please and co-operate - the other is just like what you describe here, rude and disrespectful and just plain "difficult" in a way that truly wants to make you slap him. The latter personage (Mr Hyde) seems to appear, of course, when he is in the grip of emotions he presumably cannot control, often centred around something he wants but cannot have, or not the way he wants it in that moment....

Of course he does. He can be a fabulous kid, which is what frustrates me and his therapist to no end. He CAN it. There are times when just chooses NOT to do it. He hold alot of anger against his brother and me. He says that I loved him until he was 5, which was when his brother came along and when difficult child started school. Lots of changes that year.

Honestly, I think that he is so mean to easy child sometimes because then he can kill two birds with one stone. He knows that I hate when easy child is the target. By going after him he not only hurts easy child, but he feels like he's punishing me for protecting easy child.