It's Not Over - More Drama Today

[DaisyFace]

After yesterday, I was really hoping that it would be over and everyone would get some good sleep and we could put one foot in front of the other this morning and continue forward...

but no.

There is a certain level of dysfunction from difficult child that is "normal" - it's her everyday way of being. Not brushing teeth, not taking showers = normal. Argumentative, antagonistic = normal. But now I see that's she's dropped a level - and it's subtle - but I see it.

Refusing to eat breakfast and lunch = normal.....refusing to eat an afterschool snack = not normal.
Refusing to bring lunch to school = normal.....refusing to grab a leftover sub = not normal
Refusing to do homework / classwork = normal
Not participating in class = normal
Complaining to everyone who will listen how horrific her life is and how abusive her parents are = normal
Refusing to wear the ROTC uniform on ROTC Uniform Day = normal
Refusing to wear a jacket in the rain or cold = normal.....refusing to come OUT of the rain or cold = not normal
Being argumentative / cranky in the morning = normal.....refusing to do her hair = not normal

So basically, I now have a kid who has refused to eat or drink absolutely anything at home since Tuesday. She didn't want to get out of bed this morning and when she did, she threw on old clothes (even though it is Uniform Day) and didn't bother even brushing her hair. Then she went outside to wait for the bus (where it was absolutely POURING) and just stood there with an angry look on her face and getting soaked to the bone. husband offered to drive her to school, but since she is not spreaking to him this morning, she wouldn't even acknowledge the offer. Then after standing in the downpour for about 15 minutes she told husband "You might as well drive me to school." (No please, no will you...) She didn't speak to him the whole ride there until they arrived and he said "You're welcome!" to which she grumbled a thanks.

So - two possibilities:

a) This is a big show for the parents, and once she arrives at school she hangs out with friends, eats snacks from the vending machine and everything is hunky-dory

or

b) This is a pre-cursor to a suicide threat / attempt. I hate to think that way....but it is her m.o. To get her instruments back, she has to communicate her whereabouts to Mom and Dad....and she would rather die than give up that kind of control. And the WORST part is (as you all know) - you can't get any help just because you think they might be thinking about suicide...they have to say it out loud, or demonstrate that they have an active plan. We've been to the crisis center with this stuff one too many times, and we know the drill. They don't want to admit her unless she's actively trying to kill herself. Short of that - they want the regular therapist to handle it.

And originally I thought we had an appointment with therapist today - I was wrong, the appointment is next Thursday. And there's no point in asking for an emergency appointment. Their policy is, if it is truly an emergency - go to the crisis center (see above). (And before anybody suggests it - the crisis center is next to the hospital ER...so walking in through the ER door with a suicide gets you sent next door to the crisis center...who will send you back to the regular therapist unless you are actively attempting suicide)

So, I guess I get to wait and see what happens next...

 

[AnnieO]

Uhhhhhhh...

Your crisis center is useless.

Really, it sounds like a big show, but... I don't know your difficult child well enough.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Daisy, I totally understand the whole thing about the crisis center/ER thing. We have had that with our difficult child as well. I really believe it was just blind stupid luck that we managed to get her in this time. I think every planet must have been aligned. It is the same way here though. Unless they say I am going to kill my self, and this is how then they move you along. And it sounds like your difficult child is like mine. Very manipulative and will say just what they want to hear to go home. UGH. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hope that this is all for show. I don't know about your difficult child very much, but it really sounds like she is trying to make you guys feel horrid about taking the instruments. The "I'll show them" mentality. Hugs. I hope things begin to settle soon.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))))

Have you tried her favorite foods? Home baked goodies? Don't make a big deal about it, just have it available "because you felt like it" Se if that puts a 'ding' to her.

Also, is there anyone at school you can talk to to find out what her demeanor has been there?

 

[DDD]

I'm sure you held out hope that this morning would be the end of the down week. So sorry that it is continuing. I didn't realize until this morning how many diagnosis's she has so I'm sure that makes it all the more complicated. You're a great Mom and I'm hoping help is just around the corner. Hugs DDD

 

[DaisyFace]

((((HUGS)))))

Have you tried her favorite foods? Home baked goodies? Don't make a big deal about it, just have it available "because you felt like it" Se if that puts a 'ding' to her.

She refused a Quizno's sub (and she LOVES takeout) and Bagel-fuls and danish - any of those she would normally snap-up....so it's not the particular food to which she's turning up her nose. It's all food.

Also, is there anyone at school you can talk to to find out what her demeanor has been there?

I'm not sure about the school route. Typically, she is a poor student with a poor attitude. Doesn't do homework...doesn't participate in class...gets into conflicts and confrontations with other students and tells anybody and their brother how horrific her home life has been. She is placed in classes with the other "problem" students so she doesn't stand out - the teachers just get through class ignoring most of the behaviors from these kids and move on.

So unless difficult child does something really over-the-top, I'm not sure any teachers will even understand what I am trying to talk to them about.

In the past, though - the suicide stuff has been very attention-getting and dramatic. One time she announced to her science class that when she went home that day she was either going to kill her family, or herself...she just hadn't decided which. THAT got her admitted to crisis.

The another time, she told a teacher that she wanted to die. Crisis almost turned us away until husband triggered her. The she got admitted.

 

[DaisyFace]

Step--

Yep, the crisis center is a joke. I'm really hoping difficult child's behavior is just for show...Keep your fingers crossed.

Stressed--

One would think the crisis center would be a bit more pro-active instead of reactive...but I guess that's just the system. Here's hoping this is just "I'll show them!" thinking.

DDD--

I did hold out hope this morning. I always seem to do that - I grab on to some little incident (like yesterday's hug) and then I just KNOW that everything's going to be OK. And if things go wrong, I get so devastated all over again.

I'm going to continue to hope, though, that it was just a bad morning and difficult child will be OK when she gets home.

 

[busywend]

Any chance she is PMSing?

 

[DaisyFace]

Any chance she is PMSing?

Yes - but even so, this is out-of-character.

 

[Rabbit]

Sending hugs. I understand how hard this is. I will keep u in my thoughts and prayers. Rabbit

 

[buddy]

Do you have a phone/home crisis team at all? I call the county crisis team and sometimes it is just phone talk (I want a witness that even though he is saying I am hitting him out the window to people, it is clear that I am on the phone with them problem solving....and staying cool ---I did that years ago...more recently I called during the psychiatric hospital stay to ask when I could use them and they said any time he is over the top and we needed them to avoid going to phsop. ) I suppose that is really county specific though.

I am so sorry she is pulling this. I am full of yuck feelings about parenting this morning so I wish we could just get away from it.

 

[DaisyFace]

Do you have a phone/home crisis team at all? I call the county crisis team and sometimes it is just phone talk (I want a witness that even though he is saying I am hitting him out the window to people, it is clear that I am on the phone with them problem solving....and staying cool ---I did that years ago...more recently I called during the psychiatric hospital stay to ask when I could use them and they said any time he is over the top and we needed them to avoid going to phsop. ) I suppose that is really county specific though.

I am so sorry she is pulling this. I am full of yuck feelings about parenting this morning so I wish we could just get away from it.

Buddy--

I am not aware of any further county or state services in this area.

and state supervisor STILL has not returned my phone calls and SHE is supposed to be able to access crisis services for exactly these kinds of situations. She is supposed to be able to pull resources not only from public venues but private agencies as well - and so far, ZIP. I will place yet another call to her this afternoon...

 

[exhausted]

Df, so sorry. This stinks. I know exactly what your going through. My difficult child has made it a part of her repretoire to talk about suicide. She has tried once and so you never know and it keeps you almost frantic waiting and worrying. I think I would still contact the school. Find a teacher to let know-does she have a tracker or Sp. Ed. person you could just inform and ask them to gather info for you? Could you just call the psychiatrist and have a chat with him/her? Or at least let the office know what is going on and pass it to him/her? I once called the suicide hotline just to calm myself. It helped. (((Hugs)))

 

[DaisyFace]

Df, so sorry. This stinks. I know exactly what your going through. My difficult child has made it a part of her repretoire to talk about suicide. She has tried once and so you never know and it keeps you almost frantic waiting and worrying.

It's almost a pattern.

In response to a consequence she will first resort to raging, then threats, then (if she has someplace to go) she will take off, after that comes the suicide / homocide talk (it's usually phrased in terms of somebody has to die - either the "problem" or me)...

at that point, some kind of professional gets involved - either the psychiatric hospital or the therapist. Then they decide that because difficult child has become SO depressed, we need to remove whatever consequence we imposed and just ask difficult child to promise never to do it again and then go take her to do something special to "celebrate" this "fresh start".

Meanwhile, if she misses any school due to this type of hospitalization, the teachers just give her A's (saves the SD the trouble of homebound)

So usually suicide threats work out really well for difficult child. She gets exactly what she wants, has her parents over a barrel, gets TONS of gifts and prizes and earns great grades.

I gotta make this stop!

 

[DDD]

I understand. As we often say on the S.A. Forum "hope for the best but stay prepared for the worst".
Ugh! What a life we all lead! Hugs DDD

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry that she was like this in the morning. I was hoping that yesterday would have stayed with her and she would be willing to work with you. Apparently not.

Can you call the school and ask someone to observe her? See if she's sitting in the lunch room, eating and talking with her friends. If she is eating there, at least you know that she's gotten some food into her and that it's just the food that you are offering to her. If she is eating there, that might change how you will deal with her when she gets home.

 

[InsaneCdn]

DF - just me and my off-the-wall ideas again, but...
Any chance she HAS or is DEVELOPING some sort of eating disorder?
If so... THAT could be an avenue for help when other doors are closed.... because eating disorders are definitely self-harm.

 

[TerryJ2]

DF, I vote A.
Still, I like the idea of calling the school and having someone just kind of watch her.
And I like the idea of making some food, finger food, easy stuff, and just leaving it out, with-o comment.
Other than that, I just wanted to say that I totally understand about the ups and downs you feel. Yesterday was a fabulous breakthrough moment. She does seem to "get it" someowhere deep down, but she's dealing with-all of these emotional issues and cannot make herself do things that are mature or measured.
I feel for you.

 

[DaisyFace]

DF - just me and my off-the-wall ideas again, but...
Any chance she HAS or is DEVELOPING some sort of eating disorder?
If so... THAT could be an avenue for help when other doors are closed.... because eating disorders are definitely self-harm.

I feel like she is "on the edge" of an eating disorder, if that makes any sense...like if the wrong this is said at the wrong time, she'll go completely down that road.

 

[HaoZi]

If not an eating disorder, any possibility she did drugs that would kill her appetite while she was gone? Some can curb appetite for days, and she sounds like she's crashing now.