It's official

mrscatinthehat

Seussical
Well, I too can understand. This year everything that anyone buys difficult child 1 is meant for going out on her own a lt like slsh was talking of. As for difficult child 2 he would probably get very little if anything again. Not that we don't want to but because a)he can't have it where he is and b)why get something for the sake of getting something.

We were contemplating having difficult child 1 home for the holidays. Then after he run and other extra curricular activities husband said nope. So we are going to my moms on eve and his sisters on day just us as easy child will be with her dad. I don't know if difficult child 1 will come home over her break or not. I am not sweating it. I know difficult child 2 won't come home then as he is not safe to have here so it just plain ole won't happen.

As for you, you have to do what feels right. One thing I guess I missed in all the suggestions was doing somethng for yourself. If there is something you want get it. No guilt. Your christmas present or liberation present whatever you want to think of it. Take care of you. You do a lot for others and so it would be wonderful to do something for yourself.

You deserve it. You are a bright Star to a lot of us.

Beth
 
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I don't know what I want to say to you. There have been alot of
years and alot of holidays that we all have shared in the CD family. We have been joyful for the family members who have had
reasons to be joyous. We have been saddened and on occasion cried real tears for those who have endured pain. I admire your
intelligence, your diligence and your wit. I think you know that
in your heart.

on the other hand

(gee the family hates it when I change gears like this..lol)

I would like to suggest that "changing gears" may be exactly
what is needed this December 2007. There is no "Ho Ho Ho" in my
response because I don't think there is any sign of happiness and
wonder this year to trigger joyful responses in your home. My
gut says, however, that your son has been troubled or ill for many years. I don't believe that he can "change" who he is to suit you...or to suit him. Regardless of what diagnosis he has had or
will have, he is a screwed up 17 year old kid with issues that all the Kings horses and all the Kings men have NOT been able
to resolve. I do not believe for a New York minute that Dude
wants to be who Dude currently is.

Of course my feelings for you are "family like". I swear on the
lives of all my PCs and difficult children, I understand wanting to hide under
the covers and wait for time to pass. BUT, my friend, I do not
support that choice that sounds so appealing.

If Dude was a cripple would you tell him "walk to me" and then I
will respond. Dude is a cripple. Dude is an emotional cripple.
Find a middle ground, Star. You do not have to pretend. You do
not have to "Ho Ho". You do not have to buy special gifts. BUT
do something. Your son needs to know that you did something.
If it means sharing thirty minutes in the park, or filling a $1
stocking with candy and stupid little gifts, or going to a used
book store and buying a joke book. DO SOMETHING.

Every single day somebody has a child die or become crippled or
get arrested or ???. I'm sorry that it is you...but YOU are the
person that God gave Dude. You do not have to be perfect but YOU
ARE THE ONE. Find something. Then...no regrets. Many heartfelt
hugs. DDD </div></div>



Then...no regrets.

Just some little something, Star.

Some heartfelt little something that reminds Dude he is loved, and that he is worthy of being loved.

Maybe, a beautiful card for a special son.

Then...no regrets.

The disappointment we feel as our children grow and nothing is better is often too painful for words.

I remember Fran describing it as "The Scream".

Do you remember that?

These are the feelings that can destroy us, Star.

You need to fight them.

Then...no regrets.

Barbara

:warrior:
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
BBK was right -

This board has incredible healing powers. We really are a bunch - a bunch of kind, intelligent, caring, warm, well meaning, justifiable, straight-forward, courageous, loving people.

I've been re-reading all the suggestions and thoughts - it's incredible that you think you KNOW these thing and you can send it out to others, but some days just lack the ability to help yourself. I'm usually able to muddle through it all - this was just more mud than I anticipated.

I like the idea of going to see a movie and having a date. (Laughing) We're usually too battle weary to even consider such a luxury. Luxury lately has been silence, a happy dogs tail wagging, a nice meal at home, and then falling asleep.

I sat today and made a list of the things that bothered me, or rather the things I thought were making me so depressed. Then I made another list off that one of the things that I could change and jotted little ideas down of how I might go about doing that. The things I can't change = I just can't. I keep trying to convince MYSELF that I don't want Dec. 25th to come. I can't make a day disappear. And making myself disappear doesn't help me at all. Trying to make the blues disappear - I CAN work on that.

And you know - the stupidest thing today - I turned the computer on and played an assortment of Christmas music from on line as I was trying to compile my 'naughty and nice' list...and what songs play back to back?

I'll have a Blue Christmas without you, I'm gettin' nuttin for Christmas, I'll Be Home For Christmas, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Talk about tearing at your heart.

When I thought about this - there have been SO many Christmases without Dude. In the last 11 years - I've had 3 with him here at home. The other 8 were me and DF making trips to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s or mental hospitals. The 3 that he was here with the exception of being at my Mom's last year (he would not DARE pull that difficult child with my Mom) have been miserable. The last mental hospital Christmas made me cry so hard DF pulled off the road to hug me and console my brain. Telling me that "It won't be like this forever honey - that's why you have to let him go now - so he CAN be home someday." - and that is what this is all about - the fact that someday hasn't come yet, he's 17 it may never come. That I figured it would be here by now - I've given up so much of his life - for "bettering" him and it just seems like it hasn't come.

Maybe my brain is just putting all of the past in perspective for my heart and saying "Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy we ain't going through that again, just tell her to cancel Christmas so she's not crying".

A defense mechanism? Hard to tell, but working through it. I'm going to sit tonight and do some EMDR therapy skills I learned and see if I can't unfunk myself. Because I don't even want to be around me any more. EEsch.

Thanks so much everyone - really. You are appreciated very much more than I could say.

Hugs
Starbie - the looking for the new Christmas star barbie- Ken not included - we heard he's kind of a killjoy.
 
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