It's over

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Jul 31, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am done with husband. he left yesterday on our 16th anniversary, and there is no working it out this time. I am done with all the empty words.

    Friday I figured out difficult child was 10 short on his vyvanse, I was just going to wait until husband saw psychiatrist monday and see if husband would go to an extensive substance abuse treatment program. Until some of my moms antique jewelry came up missing. He had stolen out and sold it for scrap gold prices (we did get it all back), and that was the last straw,
    He left peaceably, but came back today to take difficult child fishingk good at all...but I cannot deny him seeing his kids without super good reason until I have something legal intact. I just wanted to thank you all for your support and let you all know what was going on here
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{CM}}} I'm sorry you & the kids have to go through this. Addiction is killing everything that is worthwhile in his life so you must save your family. Try not to think of it as if you are giving up, but rather that your bottom is raised a lot higher than his...
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry it's come to this. I know you gave him every chance and did your utter best. But in the end, it's his choice.

    Get the temporary custody order in place, and while I know you don't want to deny the kids to see their dad.......if it were me, I'd go for no custody until he's completed a treatment program and can test clean consistently. He loves the kids, the kids love him. But to be bluntly honest, it's just not good for the kids to be around him as long as he's using. Nor is it safe for them to be around him as long as he's using. Sometimes safety and well being have to come first.

    Saying a prayer for you, husband, and the kids.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I can only say in my mind ----for you and your sanitys sake - FINALLY.

    I'm sorry. I know it hurts, I know it rips your heart out. I know it kills the kids. But somewhere in all of the turmoil if you have lived through it and survived it? From one survivor and overcomer to another - the logical part of me says - FINALLY. Of course the softer side of me says like everyone else - I'm so sorry and all the other pietous things that go along with loosing a marriage - but when a marriage is defined by TWO people doing all that they can to support each other and only ONE person has been doing the work for so long? Then you didn't have a marriage anyway, and it's time to move on from there and begin healing and allow him to hit the absolute bottom - pray for his recovery from afar - learn to forgive him eventually for the things he's done to you,your kids and your family, for taking your youth, your years and move on in a healthy way.

    I hope you seek counseling to get your life back together for as long as it takes you to understand that while a lot of this was his addictions - there was a lot of your enabling that allowed this to go on far too long - and you need to understand it, not blame yourself for it, get a grip on it, and make sure you really understand why you did what you did so you don't make the same mistakes again, and live the rest of you years in peace, and set a new example for your kids of what NOT to tolerate.

    If you need anyone to scream at - I'm available via PM. I so get where you are at right now. And I really am sorry, but I think you are incredibly brave and extremely wise. AND NOT ALONE AT ALL!!!!!!!

  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Amen, Amen, and Amen!
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. Keeping you in my prayers.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    "Get the temporary custody order in place, and while I know you don't want to deny the kids to see their dad.......if it were me, I'd go for no custody until he's completed a treatment program and can test clean consistently. He loves the kids, the kids love him. But to be bluntly honest, it's just not good for the kids to be around him as long as he's using. Nor is it safe for them to be around him as long as he's using. Sometimes safety and well being have to come first. ". Agreed! Big hugs to you, you're a strong and capable woman. Right now you're in survival mode. Remember at some point that it's okay grieve the loss of your dream of a long happy marriage by being good to yourself and nurturing your own needs. This is a healthy decision for you and the kiddos-things will get better from here, believe it.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Even under the best of circumstances separation/divorce is a huge trauma for everyone involved. If possible try to get some counseling available for you and the kids. It's an ongoing stressor and as it evolves you need an expert at your side. Hugs. DDD
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, CM. Hugs and prayers going out.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I understand, all too well... I've been thinking about you. husband told me to let you know he is, too - and that he thinks you did 100% right.
  11. keista

    keista New Member


    Since I've recently been there done that, my sentiments most echo Star's. I am so sorry for the loss of your marriage, but congratulations on shedding this burden. I don't know your entire history, but what you've written is enough to know that YOU tried. YOU did everything you could to make him see the light. YOU did everything you could to keep that marriage together. YOU've been working so hard for so long at this relationship. YOU deserve a break now.

    Yeah, it might hoover, but it is also a good thing. You've spent so much energy holding up both sides of the relationship, that I'm certain other things suffered - your own identity, thoughts, dreams, values and plans. You may or may not see and feel this immediately. Even if you do, it' doesn't change the fact that you need to grieve your marriage. The 3 months after my husband left were the strangest I had ever experienced emotionally. I was so happy and thrilled and excited that he finally left and I didn't have to deal with my 4th child anymore. But at the same time I was so utterly devastated and grief-stricken at the loss of my marriage which I had worked so hard for, and if he hadn't left of his own free will, I would have still been dumping energy into it and working on it.

    This is one of those times in life that ANY emotion you feel is the right one - work through them all.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Keista, you pretty much described my emotions. I am going down to legal aid as soon as difficult child is out of the shower, for some reason he was scared to shower if I was gone. That bothers me. I can at least maybe ask questions, and hopefully they can help me but I know when I went to them years ago, they told me they could not help me unless both parties were in agreement, and if husband knows he could be entitled to part of my retirement, the house I own, and spousal support? Now way in hades would he agree to anything. I am praying he does not figure that out.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Cm, I also want to let you know that I am proud of you. There just comes a time when one partner is putting more in than it will ever be possible to recoup. When trust is so badly damaged beyond repair I think that is the kicker. You have been putting in 175% into this marriage for so long and now your trust has just been tossed aside.

    I also agree with going for full custody of the kids until he gets completely clean and stable. He can see his kids under supervised visitation for right now. I dont think it would be wise for their emotional well being to be in his space while he goes through this.

    Please know that we will all support you while this happens.
  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    You've made an incredibly difficult choice to keep yourself & your children safe & sane. You did good.

    Not much more to be said CM.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, I am so sorry.
    Many hugs. I understand.
    We'll be here for you.
  16. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Legal did does not help unless there is domestic violence or child abuse involved. I will look for more resources on the web when I get home
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Stealing prescription drugs from a child could be considered abuse... What about neglect?

    I strongly dislike your legal aid.
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    I dislike your legal aid as well. Here after we contact legal aid, we have to wait another 6 months for them to proceed. Even if he's been gone for over a year already? YES. But as Step said, stealing your own kid's medications has got to fall into the abuse neglect spectrum somewhere.

    Glad I could bring some comfort in knowing you are not alone. It took me almost 4 years to finally start proceedings, and I did so only because I did started saving for retirement etc. I was concerned the more it grew, the more he could legally get his hands on despite the fact it was all accumulated AFTER he left. It's not much at all, but I dream big so someday I hope it's enough for him to be shocked.

    Getting a temporary custody order and temporary child support order is generally no too difficult. If he's sticking around you should focus on those. Filing a dissolution of marriage is not always necessary to get those.

    Feel free to pm me anytime for any reason. I'm reminded of a movie that was quoted to me about 20 years ago, but I never saw: "What was the worst day of your life? The day I got divorced. What was the best day of your life? The day I got divorced." Just keep working through each emotion and each hurdle as they come. Don't try to make sense of it all right now. That will come in time - hopefully.:consoling:
  19. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think you've done exactly the right thing. I think you should explore every possible avenue to save your marriage but there comes a time when you realize that nothing's going to change and that you're running yourself into a brick wall!

    I went through something very similar when I was divorcing my alcoholic ex and the main thing I was worried about was that he would be driving drunk with the kids in the car. He never went anywhere without that 6-pack next to him in the front seat. The man drank literally all day long, from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. My daughter was 20 at the time and my son was 15, too young for a drivers license. He was supposed to see my son one day every two weeks but I always insisted that my daughter go along. Of course, he promised that he wasn't going to drink but his promises meant nothing and I knew that he would have been drinking all day long before he even picked them up. I drilled them over and over again to NOT get in the car with him if he was drinking, that my daughter should insist on driving, that if there was a problem they could call me and I would be right there to pick them up. And did they do as I asked? Nope! Turns out they were both too intimidated by him to refuse to get in the car. They had lived with him too long and were afraid to cross him! Later on my son related some stories of things that had happened on these visits that just made my hair stand on end. It was put in the divorce agreement that he would not drink while with the kids or for a certain number of hours before he saw them but of course he just ignored that. It worked itself out anyway because my son soon refused to see him at all which he had the right to do. But if I had it to do over again, I would permit no visits at all unless they were supervised and there was no driving involved. I should never have put the burden of policing the situation on the kids. I should have stood my ground and just refused to let my son go anywhere with him and let the legal chips fall where they may. If anything had happened to my kids, I would have never forgiven myself. Your son's safety comes first above all else and if there is any chance at all that his father will be under the influence of drugs when he is with your son, especially if he's driving, you need to pull the plug on those "visits" ASAP.
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know you have many, many hugs of support being sent your way from me. I know how hard this all is, but I am impressed that once you made up your mind, you have stuck to it. That is usually the hardest part. Hang in there...........and good luck with getting some legal help.