It's over

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Im not surprised legal aid isnt of help. For an organization that I thought was set up to help people with limited means, I cant figure out what they do! I have never been able to get them to help anyone with any legal issue. Cory tried to go to them about visitation with Keyana...would they help? Nope. Divorces? Nope. I even knew of one young girl who was being abused by her boyfriend and she was trying to get sole custody....NOPE!

Try calling your states bar association and asking for someone who might take your case either pro bono or at a reduced fee. I know I got mine done for a reduced fee of about $600 back in 86.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Okay - well here's where I think you NEED to understand something from your BIG sister.....Star.

YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE....

Were you beaten with a fist? NO.
Were you thrown against a wall? NO.
Have you been black and blue from molestations and rape by a domestic partner? Not that I'm aware of.

HOWEVER - THE DEFINITION OF Domestic Violence INCLUDES - MENTAL and Emotional ANGUISH on a spouse to the degree that YOU CAN NOT FUNCTION because of your partners ADDICTIONS..

I will say this much and leave you with your thoughts because your head is spinning. Right now? There IS no one that is thinking about you, your finances, your living situation, your children and their welfare ten years from now save for you. Now you can sit across from someone who looks at you at legal aid and says "well Mrs. Crazymom - you are not abused, therefore he is entitled to 1/2 of everything, and agree, or you can disagree and say "You know what Mr. Legal Aid - you have NO IDEA what it's been like living with this man who has caused me mental and emotional anguish to the point of wanting separation of my marriage vows and physical beings. IT MOST CERTAINLY IS - ABUSE. I may not have physical bruses, but I have scars, and I have emotional crud, and my kids are a wreck and I'm not sure how YOU describe domestic violence - but the national domestic violence web site? Describes THAT as domestic violence - and I DESERVE the right to

a safe body - mind a spirit

a safe home

a safe place for my children to grow up

my full retirement,

my house that I've worked for all my life

and anything else -sweat equity - that I've put into this marriage

SO if you don't think that what I've been through is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - YOU LIVE WITH IT......for a WEEK, A MONTH A YEAR -------

I'm not JUST a disgruntal housewife..........I"M SCARED FOR THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF.........and I'm seeking divorce and property based on -----DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OF EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL CRUELTY.....

If you don't believe me - CM -------PLEASE go to a domestic violence shelter and ASK THEM - I beg you --------to find out if I"m wrong.....prove me wrong.

His addictions, his behaviors, his actions towards you and the children ----ARE domestic violence in every sense of the word and qualify you for all you're seeking. PEACE, SAFETY......SANITY.

DOn't take MY word for it - Call a DV hot line and ask ANYONE ........

Hugs ------couldn't stop thinking about you all day ---------DO NOT GIVE UP......AND DO NOT let the words DOMESTIC VIOLENCE worry you for his RUIN........there are varying degrees of DV.......he's done this to himself. It's also an ABSOLUTE way to get a judge to make sure you have custody and /or visitation with representation present for him. That way you do NOT worry about the kids when they are WITH him for a period of time as he's in recovery. When he's out of recovery ? The representation goes away ------very simple if he follows the plan.

He's certainly not thinking about ANYONE's FUTURE by hawking your antique jewelry and taking the kids' pills is he? He has a problem - you can't fix it ----you have you and the kids to worry about ----he needs to fix himself ---and whatever happens in the future happens but for now? Take care of you and the kids. And for pete's sake lock up the valuables where he can not get to them. Because my best inclination says he'll come back and look for them when you aren't home. ALL of them. He'll feel it's his right. Mine certainly thought so.

Hang in there - and go talk to that DV counselor or call anonymously on a 1800 line.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Okay - well here's where I think you NEED to understand something from your BIG sister.....Star.&nbsp; <BR><BR>YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE....<BR><BR>Were you beaten with a fist? NO.&nbsp; <BR>Were you thrown against a wall? NO. <BR>Have you been black and blue from molestations and rape by a domestic partner? Not that I'm aware of. <BR><BR>HOWEVER - THE DEFINITION OF Domestic Violence INCLUDES - MENTAL and Emotional &nbsp;ANGUISH on a spouse to the degree that YOU CAN NOT FUNCTION because of your partners ADDICTIONS..<BR><BR>I will say this much and leave you with your thoughts because your head is spinning.&nbsp; Right now? There IS no one that is thinking about you, your finances, your living situation, your children and their welfare ten years from now save for you.&nbsp; Now you can sit across from someone who looks at you at legal aid and says "well Mrs. Crazymom - you are not abused, therefore he is entitled to 1/2 of everything, and agree, or you can disagree and say "You know what Mr. Legal Aid - you have NO IDEA what it's been like living with this man who has caused me mental and emotional anguish to the point of wanting separation of my marriage vows and physical beings. IT MOST CERTAINLY IS - ABUSE.&nbsp; I may not have physical bruses, but I have scars, and I have emotional crud, and my kids are a wreck and I'm not sure how YOU describe domestic violence - but the national domestic violence web site? Describes THAT as domestic violence - and I DESERVE the right to<BR><BR>a safe&nbsp;body -&nbsp;mind a spirit<BR><BR>a safe home<BR><BR>a safe place for my children to grow up <BR><BR>&nbsp;my full retirement,<BR><BR> my house that I've worked for all my life<BR><BR>and anything else -sweat equity - that I've put into this marriage<BR><BR>SO if you don't think that what I've been through is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - YOU LIVE WITH IT......for a WEEK, A MONTH A YEAR -------<BR><BR>I'm not JUST a disgruntal housewife..........I"M SCARED FOR THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF.........and I'm seeking divorce and property based on -----DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OF EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL CRUELTY.....<BR><BR>If you don't believe me - CM -------PLEASE go to a domestic violence shelter and ASK THEM - I beg you --------to find out if I"m wrong.....prove me wrong.&nbsp; <BR><BR>His addictions, his behaviors, his actions towards you and the children ----ARE domestic violence in every sense of the word and qualify you for all you're seeking.&nbsp; PEACE, SAFETY......SANITY.&nbsp; <BR><BR>DOn't take MY word for it - Call a DV hot line and ask ANYONE ........<BR><BR>Hugs ------couldn't stop thinking about you all day ---------DO NOT GIVE UP......AND DO NOT let the words DOMESTIC VIOLENCE worry you for his RUIN........there are varying degrees of DV.......he's done this to himself.&nbsp; It's also an ABSOLUTE way to get a judge to make sure you have custody and /or visitation with representation present for him.&nbsp; That way you do NOT worry about the kids when they are WITH him for a period of time as he's in recovery.&nbsp; When he's out of recovery ? The representation goes away ------very simple if he follows the plan.&nbsp; <BR><BR>He's certainly not thinking about ANYONE's FUTURE by hawking your antique jewelry and taking the kids' pills is he? He has a problem - you can't fix it ----you have you and the kids to worry about ----he needs to fix himself ---and whatever happens in the future happens but for now? Take care of you and the kids.&nbsp; And for pete's sake lock up the valuables where he can not get to them.&nbsp; Because my best inclination says he'll come back and look for them when you aren't home.&nbsp; ALL of them.&nbsp; He'll feel it's his right.&nbsp; Mine certainly thought so.&nbsp; <BR><BR>Hang in there - and go talk to that DV counselor or call anonymously on a 1800 line.

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224
 

Stella Johnson

Active Member
Please talk to an atty before you continue to let him have unsupervised visitation.

Be very very careful letting him take the kids. Right now you both have equal rights. You can deny him and he can take them "fishing" never come back and deny you until you take him to court.

When I left difficult child's dad I had not filed for a divorce or anything yet. He picked her up two weekends in a row. The 2nd weekend he never brought her back. I thought I was going to die. I had no idea where they were. I searched everywhere that I knew of.

I spoke to an attorney and found out he could hide her until we got to court for a judge to make a decision. It took almost 5 weeks. I did get her back but there is another issue.

You have something going for you, the kids live with you now and he left. In Texas posession is 9/10 of the law. He could very well have gotten custody if he could have shoown he had already put a real home together. Thankfully he was living from one person's place to another to hide her from me.

Your comment about not being able to keep them away with-o a court order is not true at all. You have enough proof of his previous activities and current ones to explain to the judge why you stopped regular visition. The judge might end up holding it against you if you knew he was on drugs and still let him have the kids unsupervised.

If you feel that guilty or scared about him not seeing the kids then if it were me, I would set up supervised visition in my own home and not let them go anywhere with-o you. That's just my two cents. I just want you to be careful.

Talk to an attorney. They dont' charge for the initial interview normally. Laws are different in different states but the general rule is about the same when there is nothing in place and both are biological parents.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Stella is 1110% correct....THIS IS WHY I ABSOLUTELY SUGGEST getting to a DV shelter, asking QUESTIONS -because - most of the time? They HAVE their own legal aid and know women/lawyers that will file ALL of these petitions for you ------GRATIS...and get you things like custody, restraining orders, orders of protection, AWARE ALARMS (personal alarms for you and your home) =free., Police patrols if needed, counseling for you and the kids and maybe even him - they have TONS of resources that most attorneys do not or dont have time for.
 

Marcie Mac

Just Plain Ole Tired
I live on the "West Coast" as well and when I had X removed from the house, and filed for a legal separation, went to two different attorneys cause I thought the first one was delusional LOL Since he didn't work, and I did, I would have to fork over alimony to the tune of 1,500 and pay him some child support even though I had the kids, just so he could like, take them places. Plus the house he had gifted to me when it was purchased, there was a good chance I would have to give him half OR pay him half a paycheck for every paycheck I hearned becaused I used community property money to pay for it.

I was like...mmmmm, NO. So I am still legally separated. Was no way in L was I going to pay him alimony. I did bring up a divorce actually a few months ago...and he wants to see an attorney. Its been like 17 years and I thought we could just do it thru a para-legal - no such luck. I am worried about my 401 K because in Ca its his and law doesn't care about the kids unless he signs off on it. Attorney thinks I may be able to only give him half of what was in there at the time of separation.

Marcie
 

crazymama30

Active Member
Everyone, thank you for all the support and help, and I will reply later, but right now? I am burnt. The domestic violence shelter here makes women leave after a month, and they have horrible wounds you can see. I agree with the fact that we all have been abused, and it makes me feel very loved to see you all fired up about it. But right now? It is all I can do to function let alone get fired up. I am calling it a night, and will do a better reply in the morning when I am fresher.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Definition
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:

  • name-calling or putdowns
  • keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
  • withholding money
  • stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
  • actual or threatened physical harm
  • sexual assault
  • stalking
  • intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER
  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not your fault
  3. Help is available
You don't have to go to a shelter - you can stay in the house you are in......get advice....get help------and things go basically back to normal. EXCEPT YOU GET HELP!!!!!!!!

HUGS AND PRAYERS...GET SOME REST......WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!!!!! SO IS THE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE....EVEN IF YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO THAT HAS NO CLUE WHO YOU ARE.....
you don't have to have bruises someone sees.

WE SEE YOUR HEART~!
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
You don't have to actually stay in a domestic violence shelter to get help from them. They all offer counseling and all kinds of other services at no charge. The group I worked with had a girl who gave advice on navigating the legal system and who would go to court with their clients as an advocate. They also had a lady who provided counseling to the children of domestic violence victims. She also went to the area high schools and gave presentations to the students. You really should call and let them help you. They are a Godsend when you need them.
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
*hugs* doll. Divorce hurts even when both parties agree it's for the best and finally sign the papers on good enough terms to go to lunch together afterwards (I won't say the original separation was quite as smooth, nor do I expect my current divorce to be smooth, but it's apples and oranges). I don't know much about DV help, but I would think that a call to them for help, suggestions, referrals to professionals, etc., would be a good thing.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
The DV shelter WILL do whatever they can to HELP you. Call them, please.

You don't have to stay at the shelter to receive their help. They'll be more than pleased to help you anyway as they're usually full to the brim to begin with. They have unbelievable resources which you really need right now, and they're some of the most awesome people you'll ever meet.

Here, katie was living with me, DV shelter still went with her to court and helped her file for temp custody, child support, and no visitation. (she got hers due to abuse) They offered her counseling but sadly she never showed up to a session.

Star is right............all the way down the line.

(((hugs)))
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Coming in late to this and just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending up prayers for your strength and courage to get through this. How are the kids holding up?
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I'm coming back with more hugs.

I watched husband go through horrible emotional agony from the time I met him 8 years ago, and still now there is some.

* DO NOT let him leave with the kids. Supervised is good. The drugs? Addict behavior does NOT go away just because they haven't done anything in X days.
* Domestic violence shelters are there to help. You don't have to stay. They can help with counseling, attorneys, or just someone in real life to talk to.
* The absolute WORST kind of DV, in my opinion, is neglect and emotional abuse. It's all good for those with obvious wounds. But ours? Ours linger. Yes, physical abuse causes emotional upheaval, I won't deny that. However... When I was in OK with XH, my Mom asked me... "Does he hit you?" I said no - which was true - I told her, "it would be so much easier to leave if he did" - which was also true (for me). Emotional abuse and neglect is insidious.

Maybe they can't/won't help. But I would bet that they CAN and WILL.

:hugs: You didn't leave. HE left. That will say a LOT to the courts.
 
N

Nomad

Guest
I'm so sorry.
This is the time to keep in touch with good friends and close family members when you need to talk, etc.
I agree, call a domestic violence hotline if you feel threatened.
Get in touch with a counselor or a support group if you find the need.
Low cost ones are available; never hesitate.
Prayers, warm thoughts, cyber hugs.
 

crazymama30

Active Member
I don't feel threatened or scared, I just feel sad. I am hoping that they will keep him on jail so I can get things worked out. i expect to hear from him either way. Will probably be one of the very few collect calls I take from him. I have to print put the custody forms st home and watch a video and then I can file for custody and stipulate that he beds supervised visitation and clean drug tests repeatedly.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It is overwhelming, but in a good way!
 

crazymama30

Active Member
I don't feel threatened or scared, I just feel sad. I am hoping that they will keep him on jail so I can get things worked out. i expect to hear from him either way. Will probably be one of the very few collect calls I take from him. I have to print put the custody forms st home and watch a video and then I can file for custody and stipulate that he beds supervised visitation and clean drug tests repeatedly.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It is overwhelming, but in a good way!
 
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