It's so bad here that ..

ready2run

New Member
you need to move out. even if you have to go on welfare or food stamps or go to a crisis center in order to do it. once you are out then you will be able to get it together, get peanut into daycare and find work. you may have to live in a small one bedroom apartment for a while, i did, but i felt good about it because it was mine and i had the freedom to do things my own way. do not let grandma babysit either. my mother stole my oldest child after i had to move back in with her for a few months and she called cas and told them i abused her and neglected her and abandoned her at their house, none of which was true. she ended up with custody and having faught her for YEARS i have only been able to get shared custody of her in which my mom calls the shots. i know it sounds wrong but i know it's because she hired an expensive lawyer, i had to take a legal aid lawyer and he didn't defend me properly. i did nothing to deserve this but i will say that my situation sounds alot like the one you are in now so i suggest you take your kid and get out while you can. start packing important papers, ect. into a box so that when it's time to go you won't have to spend all day rounding things up. you need to seperate yourself and your child as a distinct family unit, one that she is not an immediate part of. your mother is manipulating you and making you feel bad about yourself so that you will stay around and she will have someone to look after and feel important. the distance will be good for her as well, she obviously is having issues with the relationship. and she will get over it, she is your mother after all. putting your kid in daycare or something is good for him. is he not attending fulltime school yet at 7? ours start school at 3 or 4 here.
 
L

Liahona

Guest
I know you want to home school. That you don't agree with the way the schools are heading politically. I agree with you. At the same time you might need to put him school for now while you get on your feet. You could eventually get a job you could work from home at. I'm thinking of medical or legal transcriptionist. This would allow you to do both, but for now you might need to put him in school. His behavior will probably improve if he doesn't have to deal with the emotional abuse your mom is putting him and you through. Also, you might need the teachers to be on your side if your mom takes you to court. The court will listen to teachers when they won't listen to parents. Good luck. No matter what you decide you can come on here to vent.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Doll:

If you're overwhelmed by the response to this thread, please at least read this...

Many of us on this board are old enough to be your Mom. Some are old enough to be your Grandma. Some have worked in fields where they saw way more than just their own family's situation. The skills and background and experience around here... you won't find anywhere else.

You will still be the one who calls all the shots, makes all your own decisions.

We are here to provide a soft shoulder, a voice of experience, a place to brainstorm ideas...

The high number of responses to this thread is really just a sign that your story really resonates with a LOT of people on this board. We feel for you. We want you to be able to have a life, and your difficult child have a life, and move forward.

Hoping you're still with us.
 

buddy

New Member
Doll:

If you're overwhelmed by the response to this thread, please at least read this...

Many of us on this board are old enough to be your Mom. Some are old enough to be your Grandma. Some have worked in fields where they saw way more than just their own family's situation. The skills and background and experience around here... you won't find anywhere else.

You will still be the one who calls all the shots, makes all your own decisions.

We are here to provide a soft shoulder, a voice of experience, a place to brainstorm ideas...

The high number of responses to this thread is really just a sign that your story really resonates with a LOT of people on this board. We feel for you. We want you to be able to have a life, and your difficult child have a life, and move forward.

Hoping you're still with us.

ditto.....love this
 

doll

New Member
Sorry that I didn't come back last night. I went and shut myself away for awhile. To answer a few questions before I run:

No, I don't have a job. Not a real job that is. I work at home, online, and only when I can which isn't too often. It's an online service that answers text questions. I save what I earn, when I can, but it's not enough to get by on. Also, I do have a bank account under my name, to deposit the money I earn from the "job" I mentioned above.

I received child support for a short amount of time. However, my ex is not working. Every time I have found out where he is working, as soon as they start to take it out of his paycheck, he will quit his job. He is also ordered to provide insurance for Peanut through his employer but he quits before he's eligable. Right now, as far as I know, he is in college and not working.

My SO offers emotional support even when it can be stressful for him as well. Financial support is out of the question. He has offered and I know if I really needed him to send me money, he would but that would set him back from being able to come out here. He is staying with his family in a small town where there is only one fast food place located on the high way. That is where he works part time for minimum wage. He is lucky right now that he doesn't have bills to pay because it's helped him to save for a car that will run and for an apartment for the two of us. It's slow going but he has been saving every paycheck just to get out here. It's cheaper living out here and he will have a job lined up here. SO should get here sometime between this fall and this coming winter, if his employment situations sustains, if not, we're looking at next spring. He's saving and it is slow but we're farther than we were when he was unemployed.

In regards to whether my mom is frustrated that I am homeschooling, not moving out, and tired of us living here. Let me tell you, that is not the case. The one time my mom threatened to kick me out and I did have a place to go (this was back when I was with my son's father), she cried and begged me not to go. Her threats are to keep me in line. My mom is single and has never been in a real relationship. Her relationship with her brother is at best, strained and her parents are planning to move soon. I am the only one she has left. Like I said before, she has threatened to call the police if I take my son and leave. My mom has a real control issue. It's her way or the high way, especially in regards to my son. She goes out of her way to undermine me in front of him all the time by calling me names, going behind my back and telling him yes when I say no, or no when I say yes. She treats me like I am his sister and she is his mother.

This has always been a very stressful situation. My mom is a very manipulative person. I don't know what caused her to be this way. No one else in my family acts the way she does. Yet, somehow she's always been able to manipulate the people in her life. Our problems are very deep rooted and start back when I was a child but escalated as a teen and became worse as an adult due to the fact that she kept me away from my father, a man I never met, a man who lived a block away from me and she never told me. My mom works for the police department, she's a dispatcher and has access to all kinds of information. My father had a record, maybe this is why she kept him away from me, but she knew he was sick. He had liver cirhossis. He went into a coma and then eventually was taken from life support. She knew about it and when I finally was able to track down his family when I turned 18, they told me he had passed away. When confronted her, she told me she knew the whole time and when I told her how upset and angry I was, she laughed at my pain. She's careful to not act this way in front of other people (family, her friends and professionals) except my SO and the few friends I did have, have witnessed her acting this way when I am sure she didn't know she was being caught.

So far the plan my SO and I have had was to tough this situation I am living in out until he gets here and then disappear in the night and move a county away where we will be out of reach but not so far that I am away from my other family. Now, I am not so sure. All the advice I am getting is helpful and it's all something to take into consideration for the sake of my son and our happiness. Part of me wants to wait until he gets here because I won't have to drag my son through leaving and going into a shelter, or living on food stamps. My son DOES have insurance through the state, so we're set there. I just don't know. Our plan is solid because SO knows he has that car to get out here, he has a GOOD job here. Part of me is scared of what will happen in the next 3-6 months before he does get here. I just have A LOT to think about but I don't feel I have a lot of time.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
What your mom did with your dad...that chilled me. in my opinion you need to worry about homeschooling later. Get a full time job anywhere and get out of there.

JMO and, of course, easier said than done.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
For a minimum - call DV. You don't have to pull out tomorrow. Trust me, they know how to deal with people who need to plan to make the break, can't just walk out... BUT... they will have support systems, etc. - things that you need to help with the transition

EVEN IF the transition ends up being the one you are planning, you STILL need their help to plan it right, so it can go well on the first try...
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Sweetheart,

Food stamps, welfare and medicaid are all designed for people who need help. It's clear to me that you are willing to work; whether you are able to or not is a whole different matter.

There is no shame at all in accepting help. There's a HUGE difference between that and just taking, taking, taking.

If you leave, and your mom calls the police? Um. There's not a lot the police can do besides write up a report: Mrs. X called, daughter is leaving, daughter has custody of her son. Fact is - you're an adult, and the police won't make you stay.

From what you've described, your mom may have Borderline Personality Disorder (caveat: I'm no psychiatrist). Lots of people have it, some more than others (I can say that I fit the profile, at least to some extent). It's not easy to live with, especially if the person doesn't think there is anything wrong.

You sound like you've been manipulated into a corner. (Of course, cornering a wild animal is dangerous, Know what I mean??) I agree with calling a DV shelter. They can help, even if you do end up toughing it out till SO gets there.

:hugs:
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
You'll find support here whatever your decision is for your future. As one who has parented an Asperger's child I know that a stress reduced environment and a set schedule really is helpful. That is one reason that you may want to rethink the homeschooling. There are special classes available at most schools that provide children with structure, social interaction as well as education. in my humble opinion following a normal schedule usually allows for academic and social growth. If he were in school you would also have alot more time to work online and accumulate more money for the future. Hugs. DDD
 

keista

New Member
With all this additional information I see my theory was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY off base. Sorry.

I agree with Step that it sounds like Borderline Personality. You story just screams the title of that book I Hate you, Don't leave me!

Now, I am not so sure. All the advice I am getting is helpful and it's all something to take into consideration for the sake of my son and our happiness. Part of me wants to wait until he gets here because I won't have to drag my son through leaving and going into a shelter, or living on food stamps.


As difficult as that may be for both of you, your son will see, first hand, that you are doing everything in your power to make things better. He may not "get it" at his age, but he will see it. An if you foster trust as one of the foundations of your parent-child relationship, he will accept all your decisions.

Please don't worry about the "stigma" of food stamps. I'm just guessing that your mother would/is do her level best to use such a "stigma' to keep you from leaving. I've been on food stamps, probably will again in the next month or so. NO, I'm not proud of that fact, but the fact is that I need some help. I am working. Between 3 kids, school meetings, Dr appointments, life in general, and the seasonal nature of my business, I am doing the best I can, but the fact is I NEED HELP. And if I get just a little bit of help, things may be a LOT easier for me and the kids. Shoot! They already get free lunches at school - have been for the last 4 years. Time for me to swallow my pride and take the next step.

Your mom sounds very toxic. Oh analogy time! Would you rather live in a mansion on a nuclear waste site, or live in a tent on a beach (or park, whatever floats your boat) Yeah, it's kind of a lame stretch, (they're not all gems) but in my opinion a healthy life with some difficult struggles is much more appealing than "easier security" and the cost is your identity and sanity.
 
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