It's soooo nice....(sarcasm here)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Jul 5, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    to wake up to my mother leaving a message on my answering machine after not calling this house for 6 mos at least, (she emails occasionally), demanding that I call her and give her some answers about difficult child. She said she felt like Susan and George Anthony (never mind that the kid was on probation and seen often) and if I didn't call and give her some answers, she was going to start making some calls to people in this area because she is the grandmother and she has rights.

    Never mind that she has told me time again that my bro had no business calling people up here and stirring up stuff in our lives 2 years ago and that she hasn't spoken to him or had any contact with him in almost that long. Never mind that I have told here difficult child is incarcerated and I don't know exactly how long but it will be until some time next year. Never mind that I have told her she can come up here and I'd take her to visit but he is not allowed to call her and no one besides parents/guardians, sibs, and grandparents are allowed to visit. (And she has said she can't get up here because she doesn't want to drive and won't fly and leave her dog with someone else to watch.)

    True, I have not given her a lot of detail about difficult child. But partly because of the way she pumped me for info before only to twist it around, tell my bro, and get him stirred up to file for custody. If she cared that much, she would be more involved in difficult child's life instead of just pumping me for info about him periodically.

    She suffers from depression and anxiety (and I swear, I think narcissism) to the point that sometimes I think she's delusional. Throughout my life there have been times when she gets nervous or upset about something then calls people up at work or embaresses them in front of others or whatever it takes until she gets all the attention she wants. Then she'll throw out a nonchalant "I'm sorry" and expect all to be forgotten and forgiven. I've talked to her about this a million times- she always agrees to try to stay rational and just call and discuss something with me instead of stirring up carp next time- then it ends up happening again anyway.

    If she just can't trust what I tell her about difficult child, I can't really help that. The facility is not allowed to confirm or deny difficult child's commitment and neither is anyone at local Department of Juvenile Justice. That means she'd be calling the GAL and stirring her up. She has her phone number because my bro got the GAL to call my mother during the custody case. As it turned out, my mother told the GAL that she thought I was a good mother and difficult child should stay with me. Technically, GAL is currently off this case and really should not be giving any info about difficult child out to anyone, even his grandmother. But I'd bet money that she sits there and has a long conversation and stuff gets stirred up all over again. And more than likely- something is going on with my bro again.

    Well, I don't think someone else can file for custody if I don't even have custody and Department of Juvenile Justice does.

    Now that I'm on my second cup o coffee I'm getting ready to call her. maybe I'll just tell her that if she thinks he's missing and doesn't believe me that she can call cops here and report him as missing. (As soon as they look into the first thing, they will see where he is.)
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2009
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got off the phone with her. According to her, I'm abusive and controlling just like my father and his parents. She said I never wanted difficult child and that he grew up listening to me say that and that's the problem. (All that is completely untrue.) And now I've done a horrible thing by making him the identified patient when it's really not him that has the problem. She said I owed her a big apology for being abusive and neglectful to her (??- I've been hearing that since I was 6 yo. by the way- she is the only person that has ever said my father was abusive. As far as neglectful- he was well-off financially and a very good provider. My mom was a stay at home mom and since my bro was not her bio-son, he spent a great deal of time at our grandparents' house so my mom then only had me and she still had hired help in the home part of the time. As far as controlling- it looks to me like she and my bro are the manipulative ones- they are the ones always trying to control and change me, not the other way around.).

    She said I had taken him away from her and she was not going to take it lying down that she can't see him or talk to him. I finally got her to shut up long enough to tell her that he is incarcerated and cannot call or leave- I had told her this before. She said it was my fault and that I had wanted him put away. I told her (again) that if she wanted to visit him she would have to come up here and I would take her. She said she couldn't. I told her it was the judge that put difficult child in there.

    She said I would pay for abusing her and being neglectful to her (??). She said she was not going to "leave me one blessed penny because I didn't deserve anything". She wanted to know the exact place and address where difficult child is and I told her that I would not give that info out. She said she was going to take steps to find out and she was going to start taking some action. I said nothing. She said she wanteed to know what I had done with difficult child - that she felt just like the Anthony's did. I told her that I was sure she wouldn't stop until everyone in the country thought I was as bad as the woman her killed her child but I couldn't help it if she wouldn't believe or trust me. She went back to me "beiing abusive and neglectful" and I told her that it wasn't true and I thought she was delusional. She asked what I had done with difficult child. I said I didn't do it- the judge did it and I have no control over the rules there. She said that it was me that called cops on him and I said that is true but I didn't sentence him. She said how did he get this sentence and I told her (again) that he had been on probation with a suspended sentence and got into trouble again. She said what did he do for me to call cops on him and I said I will not tell her. She said ok, I see, well thank you for your time, I will keep on until I find out (or something to that effect) and hung up.

    Now, when I know that I have not been abusive or neglectful to her or difficult child, I don't think difficult child needs to be getting letters with stuff like this in them. The bigggest problem here is that when my bro told the GAL stuff like this when he was trying to get custody, the GAL went to court portraying me like that instead of lookoing into the allegations. Never mind that sd, dss, nor Department of Juvenile Justice saw reason to think any of it was true- the GAL thinks I am the problem because of this stuff. My mother probably can stir up enough to find an address for difficult child and write him, but I don't think it's in his best interest to hear this carp and have someone else trying to convince him that I was an unfit mother and his problems are my fault.

    She says my bro should never have stirred stuff up, but she is doing the same thing. Now my nerves are already shot for the day. Am I the only person that thinks I'm not the biggest problem in this dysfunctional family?

    Somewhere in there she insinuated that she would try to have him live with her when he gets out and that she was going to make sure he knew that it was my fault that he had no family in his life. (I don't think it's me doing the alienation.) She also said that she had wanted difficult child to live with her long beofre it got to this point. (What she had told me was that if he had to have a place to go, she guessed she would take him if she had to and that she could "put up with anything" for a few years. I told her then that she "never had to put up with my child".) Just wait unitl the day (if it ever comes) that she finds out why he's in there and then see if she's comfortable with him living with her at all- even if she will always blame me for it.
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2009
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Take it from someone who knows. Your Mom sounds dillusional and paranoid. Is there any other family member that knows what is going on who can check on her? I put it that way cuz you need someone she can't pull into believing her dillusions and paranoia.

    Dealing with a difficult child parent can be as bad if not worse than dealing with a difficult child child. :faint:

    That said.......My mother gets so little info from us concerning our private daily lives, most especially any medical or phych into, that it's not funny. When she pulled what your mom is pulling I'd hang up on her and refuse to listen to it. Just because she's your Mom doesn't give her the right to talk to you that way. And heck, it puts fuel to the fire so to speak.

    If I can't come up with enough good things going on with the kids to pacify my mom, I sway the conversation into a different direction. Easiest way to do this is to direct it back to her. lol My Mom still doesn't know Nichole was admitted to psychiatric hospital when she was 16. None of her business. Now if she weren't a difficult child would be a different story.

    Enough of this and even my mega difficult child mom got the idea. She doesn't question me except rarely now, and knows to be careful with her answers or she'll get hung up on.

    I doubt seriously bro or mom could get custody. No grounds. You're doing what you can and should be doing as a parent.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My bro and my mom both say this stuff about me and they have for years so everyone in the family already believes them. Since I am the only one that went to therapy and this family is old-school, that only seems to support the idea that I'm the one with the problem. Unfortunately, the GAL buys into this, too. The judge has not so far, but if it goes on enough, she will probably end up being swayed by the GAL.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. She certainly sounds delusional. We KNOW you are not a bad parent, or a neglectful and abusive person. Is she getting any treatment for her mental health problems? They sound quite serious.

    You are totally correct to NOT give her info on difficult child. Maybe you can have the jail screen any letters he gets from her? Or give them to you to deliver to him if you want him to have them? They may not be able to, although I know they can screen an adult's mail in prison. In treatment centers tehy cannot screen mail because it is a federal thing, but in Department of Juvenile Justice I think they can.

    You are totally right that difficult child does NOT need family that behaves this way. It is sad that you must protect him from family, but he needs no contact with someone this abusive. I don't think she ever really means her "I'm sorry" because she goes right back and does the same things again.

    I wonder what your bro is up to. It certainly sounds like he may be agitating her again. I hope that she is not given any info on him. It sounds like you may be able to take action against GAL if she gives out any info on him. He is a patient and has rights to confidentiality.

    I hope you can enjoy your meeting with the guy you met online. Please don't let her ruin your entire day.

    Sending gentle hugs to form a barrier to keep the crazy out!
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I know of someone very similar to your mom. When she gets something in her head like that, everyone is miserable. I really feel for you.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    She takes an anti-anxiety medication at least sometimes- lexapro I think. She said she talked to a therapist for a short time a couple of years ago but I'm not positive that she got too much therapuetic intervention.

    I feel like emailing her and putting into writing why I think it would do her some good to talk to someone and try to rationalize with her to get her to see that her calling me to go off on me about everything beiing my fault is not a sign that I'm abusive and not "me doing something to her"- it is her doing something to me. But, I know it would be pointless. My therapist that I had years ago said to never bother trying to change my mother, just worry about not letting myself get caught up into these family dynamics again. I relaize that therapist only had my side of the story, but I told her the truth and when the therapist wanted/offered to do phone consultation with me and my mother (my mother being the one on the phone), my mother said "no".

    My worry here, and I'm sure my mother will use this, is her calling GAL. If I try to get Department of Juvenile Justice to hold letters from my mom I will have to go thru the therapist there which would probably not be a problem so much except the GAL will call and make sure I don't if my mom calls her. Never mind that the GAL was in the courtroom when the judge asked me what I was doing to make sure difficult child stayed monitored around my mother. The GAL is so against me that she will do something that is not in difficult child's best interest if it can over-rule me in some way. That was proven by her recommendation against Residential Treatment Center (RTC), then telling difficult child is was my fault that he got committed to Department of Juvenile Justice.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Did you enter this into your journal? in my humble opinion you can do nothing to change your Mom or your Bro or the GAL...all you can do is focus on making KLMNO as healthy as possible. Record any and all communications and have it at the ready. Use different pens/pencils so the journal reflects that entries were made at the time of the communication. Keep the journal handy BUT do not dwell on it, rehash it, reread it etc. You are merely documenting contact and content.

    Focus on you. Focus on luncheon dates. ;) You have to move on and your difficult child has to move forward to. Reliving the past is not going to make that happen. DDD
  9. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    So sorry you are dealing with this carp again (still). Try not to let it mess your whole day up.

  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you! I just got back from visiting difficult child. It was a nice visit so that made me feel better. I'm going to relax a bit then see if I can take a nap. I'm somewhat expecting a call from the GAL sometime this week now. I'll call Department of Juvenile Justice tomorrow and make sure their rule is to not tell anyone who's in and what facility they are in. I'm also going to ask about rules on mail. I needed to touch base with them about a couple of other things having nothing to do with my mother anyway.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am thinking something here. Can you not revoke or issue...whichever would fit...some sort of notice to parties that they are not allowed to discuss details of this case with your mother? I mean we have to sign all these releases so each member of teams can "speak" with all the other members of the teams so I cannot imagine some person from another state can just call up and say...Hi I am so and so and I want to discuss difficult child!

    I would tell Department of Juvenile Justice that you dont want him receiving mail from her or your brother. Heck...put on there that you dont want him receiving any mail from anyone but you. Just have it returned to sender. I am sure that is done quite often.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you had a nice visit with difficult child. I hope your day goes very very well.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I feel sure that it is illegal for them to tell anyone who just calls up whether or not a kid is even committed, much less what facility they are in. However, that doesn't stop miss GAL from running her mouth.

    As far as mail, my family can't mail to difficult child if they don't even know where he is. If GAL runs her mouth, it's a different story of course. The parent had no say-so as far as listing anything regarding who can contact the difficult child. This is what worries me- along with adding fuel to the fire with GAL.

    I am thinking about sending an email to my mother and kind of re-couping what we talked about. For one, this documents things with dates and she'll probably repsond and eventually, some things should become obvious. There were previous emails that I wrote about before on General that showed she clearly couldn't grasp the point of difficult child's status in school and stuff. It wasn't about critical matters but shows her inability to "get it" and interpret correctly.

    For another thing, if I email her and reiterate (sp) that she can visit if she comes up here it will show ANOTHER effort to keep her in difficult child's life. (She's the one that finds every excuse in the book not to ccome- so did my bro- then they both complained that I cut them out of difficult child's life.) And, I'm thinking that I can tell her she can send a letter to difficult child to me and as long as it's just supportive and light- no family carp- that I will forward it to him and he can write to her thru me as well. As long as they are talking about typical stuff I have no problem with that. This way, I can prove that I'm not trying to prevent a relationship, but I am monitoring it. I think that should be acceptable. Grandparents rights don't mean that parents still don't have more rights.

    I think this would be good for difficult child and lets my mother know that she can have a relationship with him- but she HAS to respect certain boundaries. Now, I still wouldn't be surprised at all if she calls and cries to the GAL and the GAL tells her whatever she wants to know and talks to the judge about it. All of that is against the rules, however, it wouldn't be the first time this GAL has done it.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I like your idea of documenting it through e-mail, since bro and mom have a history of causing problems. I wouldn't get into everything, just keep it light.

    Dear Mom,

    As we discussed on Sunday, if you would like to visit difficult child, I would be happy to take you to see him. Visiting days are ..... We would need to leave my house at x:00 in order to be at the facility on time. Also, if you would like to send him letters or cards, you can send them to our home address. I do sort through his mail and bring him the appropriate letters when I visit him.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I emailed her. I kept it light but I did mention that I thought she should seek some help due to several things for several years and because she must be in a lot of turmoil. I have never put that in writing before so I thought it couldn't hurt. Then, I did just what was mentioned..."you know I have offered to take you to visit if you come here and you have said 'no', I have no control about the rules where difficult child is now, if you want to write I will forward letters to and from difficult child, as far as the will-that is your perogative".

    Knowing her, I won't get a response for quite some time and she'll be out telling people that I sent her an abusive email bashing her. (Of course, she won't show them the email.) What I don't understand is why no one ever seems to asks for specifics from her. They just seem to take her for face value and sympathize.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A strong suggestion re your mother, next time you're talking to her - tell her something that will scare her. Make it up. Tell her that he had to be charged because he attacked a vulnerable middle-aged woman in her own home. If you need to, you could imply that he attacked someone who resembled his grandmother. But never put it in writing and make sure there is nothing recorded. Then if your mother insists you said stuff, deny it.

    After all, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb... and she has declared she isn't going to believe you anyway.

    Anything you put in writing - go the extra mile to keep it non-committal and respectful. I think the paper trail is a good idea but it can work both ways; also, people like her can twist things badly, can present your email with her overlying words and make sure it's taken out of context.

    Go carefully.

  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I like the way Marg thinks. It sounds like something that might work. Your email to document things is also a good idea.

    sorry this is so rough for you. Moms are supposed to make things easier. Want to share my mom?? She isn't always on the ball, but she is mostly supportive!
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Hugs.