I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I can't get difficult child out of my mind and why if I do end up falling asleep at night I wake up several times thinking and worrying about her. I am tired of not sleeping and not being able to go through a day without worrying. And then it dawned on me....it's who I am.
When there is something bothering me I can't sleep until I figure it out, I think about it from every angle and try to find a solution or at least a way to make peace with it. I have been a fixer all my life, when I worked I looked for solutions to problems, always trying to find a better way to do things. I never accepted the "we always did it this way" excuse. When I had an assigment due at work I did it right away and to the best of my ability. I have always been a go getter with a lot of energy and some might say too much energy and a bit too sensitive so that when something bad happened it hurt me deeply.
I cry at a sad movie and tears come to my eyes when someone tells me of a serious struggle they are going through. When difficult child was in rehab I literally cried every Sunday on family day when we had our group sessions, not just about my difficult child but about others. When I saw another mom cry I would too. I cried at AA meetings when I listened to the leads.
I have worked hard over the years to not let my worry get the best of me but when it comes to my family it is a losing battle. My mom use to say she knew when something was wrong with us, she could feel it before we told her. I swear I have that same gift.
And then it hit me......that is not how difficult child is. And so when she was a toddler and got into trouble she didn't care and I fretted. When she went to school and misbehaved and I got a note home I tried to figure out how to fix it and she didn't care. When she had an assignment due I wanted it done right away but she didn't give it a thought, didn't worry about it, didn't care if it was done, had no ability to estimate the amount of time it would take, actually had no interest in it at all. She was able to go to school the day it was due and not care that she was the only one who didn't complete it. But I was home worrying.
When she began getting into trouble with the police her whole future flashed in front of my eyes. I worried about the choices she was making and what it was going to do to her future. When she got kicked out of college I was sick with worry, When she got fired from all her jobs I was devastated.
And so now when she finds herself unemployed and having no money she is being true to form, she is not worried and is in fact going out having fun and not caring about how she will pay her bills or eat. She is spending her money on car decals and printing pictures to send this jerk who is suppose to be defending our country but is instead doing drugs 24/7 and complaining about having to actually work.
A light bulb finally went on in my head.....she is being who she is. Why should I expect her to be any different now than she has been her entire life? And I am being who I am and hard as I try I can't change. We have different value systems and so I'm sure it's just as hard for her to understand why I care about school or jobs or society's rules or the future as it is for me to understand why she doesn't.
I have to find some way to accept the fact that she doesn't care about the things I care about, and worrying about why she doesn't is not going to change that. I want to sleep at night. Telling me to detach just doesn't work. If I could have done that wouldn't I have done that many many years ago and not gone through all those years of being who I am?
Nancy
When there is something bothering me I can't sleep until I figure it out, I think about it from every angle and try to find a solution or at least a way to make peace with it. I have been a fixer all my life, when I worked I looked for solutions to problems, always trying to find a better way to do things. I never accepted the "we always did it this way" excuse. When I had an assigment due at work I did it right away and to the best of my ability. I have always been a go getter with a lot of energy and some might say too much energy and a bit too sensitive so that when something bad happened it hurt me deeply.
I cry at a sad movie and tears come to my eyes when someone tells me of a serious struggle they are going through. When difficult child was in rehab I literally cried every Sunday on family day when we had our group sessions, not just about my difficult child but about others. When I saw another mom cry I would too. I cried at AA meetings when I listened to the leads.
I have worked hard over the years to not let my worry get the best of me but when it comes to my family it is a losing battle. My mom use to say she knew when something was wrong with us, she could feel it before we told her. I swear I have that same gift.
And then it hit me......that is not how difficult child is. And so when she was a toddler and got into trouble she didn't care and I fretted. When she went to school and misbehaved and I got a note home I tried to figure out how to fix it and she didn't care. When she had an assignment due I wanted it done right away but she didn't give it a thought, didn't worry about it, didn't care if it was done, had no ability to estimate the amount of time it would take, actually had no interest in it at all. She was able to go to school the day it was due and not care that she was the only one who didn't complete it. But I was home worrying.
When she began getting into trouble with the police her whole future flashed in front of my eyes. I worried about the choices she was making and what it was going to do to her future. When she got kicked out of college I was sick with worry, When she got fired from all her jobs I was devastated.
And so now when she finds herself unemployed and having no money she is being true to form, she is not worried and is in fact going out having fun and not caring about how she will pay her bills or eat. She is spending her money on car decals and printing pictures to send this jerk who is suppose to be defending our country but is instead doing drugs 24/7 and complaining about having to actually work.
A light bulb finally went on in my head.....she is being who she is. Why should I expect her to be any different now than she has been her entire life? And I am being who I am and hard as I try I can't change. We have different value systems and so I'm sure it's just as hard for her to understand why I care about school or jobs or society's rules or the future as it is for me to understand why she doesn't.
I have to find some way to accept the fact that she doesn't care about the things I care about, and worrying about why she doesn't is not going to change that. I want to sleep at night. Telling me to detach just doesn't work. If I could have done that wouldn't I have done that many many years ago and not gone through all those years of being who I am?
Nancy
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