It's worse than I thought!

[Kathy813]

When I posted about the missing clothes yesterday, it was based on a quick glance as I got dressed for school. This morning I realized that a lot more was missing. A lot of my dress clothes for school are gone, too. This is now going to be expensive to replace at a time when money is an issue.

Luckily, they were mostly my fall and winter clothes, but still . . .

Most of her stuff is still here. Do you think we should tell her she gets her clothes when I get mine?

 

[crazymama30]

Yes, I would. the question is, will she want her clothes back?

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh this is not good. Is there any possibility at all she just grabbed the wrong stuff? Ok, Im grasping at straws here.

Honestly, why would she want her mothers clothes? I am not saying you dress like an old lady but for goodness sakes you probably dont dress like a 25 year old! Im impressed you two wear the same size...lol.

Yeah, Im not so sure I wouldnt go confront her about the clothes if you know where she is. Pack her stuff in a hefty bag and leave them in the car. Go up to her and demand your stuff back and then hand her stuff to her after you get your stuff. Dont know, thats what I would do but I know mine wouldnt get violent.

 

[Kathy813]

Actually, we don't wear the same size. She is about the same height but at least 20 pounds heavier than me so she took the clothes out of pure spite. We don't know where she is but she does need to come back and get her stuff. Right now it is all boxed up and sitting in the back of husband's pickup truck (in the garage). I guess we could look at it as an even exchange of prisoners . . . it seems like we are at war anyway.

I keep asking myself how did it all come to this? Could we have done something along the way to prevent it? husband's brother was an alcoholic that ended up dying alone in a hotel room at 42 surrounded by empty bottles. Is difficult child headed for this? Why can't she see it?

 

[witzend]

I would totally hold her stuff hostage. Every last bit of it. I wouldn't start a conversation about it, I'd just let her know that she can't have it until you get your stuff back or get compensation when she comes for hers.

I hope that she has not sold your things or given them away.

 

[helpme]

Oh I've been through this too alright. But with a son for goodness sake.
It didn't matter what it was, it was just done to make people mad.

The final blow was when he took my business cell phone.
I got so tired of all the negotiations that was just making him delirious
with the power struggle.

I wrote it all down..
I said you are old enough to know to do the right thing. I will no longer be
telling you what the right thing to do is. I know I have taught you to do the
right thing. I expect you to do the right thing. I will be doing the right thing,
regardless of your decisions, which I hope are the right thing to do.

This seriously frustrated difficult child. He was so used to me having a plan and knowing
how I would react (filing police report). I made it simple. Do the right thing.
I did not say bring my phone back in the same condition it was taken, with the
case, with the charger, without a million porn calls on it, blah blah blah. No...
i was spent. I refused to state what I would be doing, and let me tell you what,
that scared father and son more than if I told them what I'd be doing.

Note to readers- Normal people understand, gimmie my stuff back or I'll call
the cops. Other people don't. Period. They just don't understand.

Anytime I was talking I was looking at the sheet repeating the same things
over and over to him and his father who denied difficult child had the phone.

I got the phone and the stuff back, and I got his pocketknife (he had them all
over the house) that he knew I knew he had also, but didn't mention.
Scheduling made it about a day after it all occurred.

Sounds like your difficult child is acting the same. in my humble opinion, you will find way more taken b4
everything is said and done. And you are lucky enough to get things back, you
might just get back more than you thought.

I'd say to take your time with making the decisions. Any requests from her (for
her stuff) would be responded to with "You need to do the right thing." I bet
all hell will break loose then, so be prepared.

 

[Hound dog]

She wouldn't get hers until I got mine. Period.

And if she got rid of yours, I'd sell hers to replace the cost of having to buy new stuff. Natural consequences.

Sounds like she's gonna need a lot of natural consequences to grow up. Not fun. But usually the best teacher.

Hugs

 

[Suz]

She wouldn't get hers until I got mine. Period.

And if she got rid of yours, I'd sell hers to replace the cost of having to buy new stuff. Natural consequences.

I agree!

It would be particularly fun if you don't get your things back if you took hers to a consignment shop. Not only could you get some money for her things but if she wanted them back she'd have to buy them.

Suz

 

[KTMom91]

Yep, it would be an even exchange. And I'd take some time over the weekend to go through stuff (like my jewelry box) and see what else is missing.

 

[DDD]

Sending caring thoughts your way. That's an H of a thing when you have to inventory your personal clothing. Crazy as it sounds, I'd check the lingerie too. Geez, I'm sorry. DDD

 

[Kathy813]

Unfortunately, difficult child doesn't have many clothes and doesn't take care of the ones that she has. She wears mostly black and many of the pieces have holes or permanent stains. We have always joked that we were going to send in a video to What Not To Wear. The bottom line is that no consignment shop would be interested in any thing she has left here.

On the other hand, her television and DVD player are still here . . . Knowing difficult child though, she will call the police and say that we are refusing to give her back her things and will deny stealing my clothes (and credit card and jewelry and cash . . .).

 

[DammitJanet]

Ummm....does she have receipts for that TV and dvd player? I rather doubt it and you know what they say, possession is 9/10ths of the law. I would just place the tv and dvd player in a room when the cops show up as if it had been there forever. "Oh yes, mr policeman, we let her use them when she is here but its not hers to take with her. And oh by the way, there is this little matter of her stealing my clothes for work and all my underwear."

 

[Nancy]

I wouldn't tell her anything. I would pack up her clothes and put them in the attic until some later date when you decide the best way to handle it. It sounds like your difficult child and mine are cut from the same bolt of cloth.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Well, maybe we have some good news. difficult child called husband and said that she wanted to bring back my things and pick up some of hers. Evidently, the woman that she has moved in with told her that she should cooperate with us. difficult child likes other people to think highly of her so I suspect she is doing this for show. I don't care why she is doing it . . . I just want my stuff back. She told husband that she will be paying rent to this woman (a lady in her fifties with grown children). This sounds like a perfect place for her to be. I hope it works out!

difficult child told husband that she didn't want to come here while I was home so he told her to come by on Monday while I am at school. This is always the pattern . . . when she is living here and things are going well she tells husband he is an idiot and verbally abuses him. When she gets caught doing something wrong and gets kicked out, I am the bad guy and he becomes the good guy. Classic Borderline (BPD) traits, huh?

I told him that once she has her stuff he needs to tell her that he won't allow this splitting and if she isn't going to treat me nicely that she can just stay away from both of us. He said he knows that and is going to do that this time. We will see. . . .

 

[Nomad]

The key word is "maybe," right? difficult children aren't known for doing what they say they will do. But, many things you last mentioned are somewhat positive and I totally get that feeling...at least a tiny bit of light at the end of a deep dark tunnel.
I wonder how long the neighbor/friend, etc. will hold out. In any case, I hate to say this, but better her than you.
Enough is enough. I'm not sure it matters all that much if you give her the clothes or not. I probably would stay quiet and observe. Surely, if she brings your stuff back, it will be time to give her items back as well. When you redocorate, don't gloat (sp?) over it, but quiety ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY.

 

[witzend]

I'm glad to hear that this woman is at least making her bring your stuff back. Hopefully that means that she has an idea that your difficult child is a spiteful little thief and will keep an eye on her own. I'm also glad that she is charging rent.

Invest a bit of money in new locks today. You no longer have to give her 30 days notice, she has moved out. Make it permanent.