nvts
Active Member
Neither do I - welllll, maybe on Mondays...but that's it...welllll, sometimes at dusk.....welllll, maybe on Halloween - but only in the EVEN years, not the odds...except sometimes.
We're here honey...we're here!Beth
i've had it with this kid truly
- Thread starter Jena
- Start date
Neither do I - welllll, maybe on Mondays...but that's it...welllll, sometimes at dusk.....welllll, maybe on Halloween - but only in the EVEN years, not the odds...except sometimes.
We're here honey...we're here!Beth
graceupongrace
New Member
Jena,
I don't have any experience with these disorders, so about all I can offer are hugs and prayers. I do know that many, if not most, of us struggle to sort out the biological/chemical problems (which can be helped with medications) from the psychological/behavioral issues (which require a whole different, but complementary approach). It sounds as if you're dealing with that in the extreme. I don't blame you for wanting to scream. This is a safe place to do it.
I don't have any experience with these disorders, so about all I can offer are hugs and prayers. I do know that many, if not most, of us struggle to sort out the biological/chemical problems (which can be helped with medications) from the psychological/behavioral issues (which require a whole different, but complementary approach). It sounds as if you're dealing with that in the extreme. I don't blame you for wanting to scream. This is a safe place to do it.
this was a great article. thank you. i particularly gained alot from the trial studies of kids that gained from illness. which is part of what we're experiencing. it gave good ideas on behaviors of my own to use towards her. see this is what ppl should be teaching me. this place was good yet not good enough.
hey guys thanks. i have no friends here so this is huge i mean it! Donna I do agree with-you and just stated that in the above post to smalls' article she sent me link to. it's called gain from illness or some fancy term in other words when im sick good things happen so let's roll on!! 
the doctor's here nailed it right away one of them. i posted this on another thread maybe you didn't see. she is part food phobia, part her other pyschiatric issues sprinkled with extreme neediness of you! also we chose the first hospital because we too felt me taking her out of state would be just what she wants. me all to herself. so yea we tried the logical approach and that tanked miserably. i think more because they didn't address the real fear. whereas here they did.
i am just a mom who had gotten a hold on the BiPolar (BP), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety somewhat understanding the terms the medications yet this eating disorder thing hit me well left field and blindsided me. I was still hungover from my donkey sperm shots on my honeymoon at the pool bar!! LOL. got off plane got her and boom!! hit bigtime! literally ah we're married and poof she's shutting down more and more uh oh what's up?
anyhow Beth your always funny this you already know.......
Grace yea i wanna scream bigtime yet took a hot bubble bath and read oprah's new bs magazine about how YOU TOO can have a life like mine! yea yea oprah...... sorry to all the fan's i love her also but she's bugging me lately
threeshadows yea it's been a wild ride and i've been ok so far yet as of late i think my seatbelt on ride broke because tonight i sat at 40 years old in a ronald mcdonald house tv room crying alone..... umm new low can anyone say??
thanks guys. im def. popping a xanax tonight i haven't slept in 3 nights now. gotta get up early for the mri that i dont think she'll let happen it's a closed one. for the possible tethered cord the urinating problem. persoanlly i dont think anything is tethered i think it's all her emotional biochemical ****. we'll c. id' love to be wrong for once about this kid.
than im planning on still torturing her with the dtu. yet im feeling myself slowly climbing on the fence with it.
the doctor's here nailed it right away one of them. i posted this on another thread maybe you didn't see. she is part food phobia, part her other pyschiatric issues sprinkled with extreme neediness of you! also we chose the first hospital because we too felt me taking her out of state would be just what she wants. me all to herself. so yea we tried the logical approach and that tanked miserably. i think more because they didn't address the real fear. whereas here they did.
i am just a mom who had gotten a hold on the BiPolar (BP), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), anxiety somewhat understanding the terms the medications yet this eating disorder thing hit me well left field and blindsided me. I was still hungover from my donkey sperm shots on my honeymoon at the pool bar!! LOL. got off plane got her and boom!! hit bigtime! literally ah we're married and poof she's shutting down more and more uh oh what's up?
anyhow Beth your always funny this you already know.......
Grace yea i wanna scream bigtime yet took a hot bubble bath and read oprah's new bs magazine about how YOU TOO can have a life like mine!
yea yea oprah...... sorry to all the fan's i love her also but she's bugging me latelythreeshadows yea it's been a wild ride and i've been ok so far yet as of late i think my seatbelt on ride broke because tonight i sat at 40 years old in a ronald mcdonald house tv room crying alone..... umm new low can anyone say??
thanks guys. im def. popping a xanax tonight i haven't slept in 3 nights now. gotta get up early for the mri that i dont think she'll let happen it's a closed one. for the possible tethered cord the urinating problem. persoanlly i dont think anything is tethered i think it's all her emotional biochemical ****. we'll c. id' love to be wrong for once about this kid.
than im planning on still torturing her with the dtu. yet im feeling myself slowly climbing on the fence with it.
I am so very sorry. She sure is getting a lot out of all of this, esp getting to control you. I wish I could give more advice. I do see what Donna sees, and what the others see too. her need to control you and monopolize you sure is extreme, but it has been for years. Why do these people not have a psychiatrist in there helping you, esp when she was in the hospital? THat is the part I just cannot wrap my head around.
You are doing an amazing job. (((((hugs)))))
You are doing an amazing job. (((((hugs)))))
because they don't deal with-behavioral stuff or other pyschiatric issues which difficult child does have bigtime. need for control as we all know comes from their lack of control in their own minds. it's basic bite, chew, swallow their main aim is to get a kid to eat. they did that. than she tanked on me at the words we're flying home.
pepperidge
New Member
jena,
This is just the impression that I get, but i think your daughter needs to be in a psychiatric hospital for a while. Not one that deals with eating disorders I think the program there has shown wiht zyprexa and right environment she can eat. so it seems like she needs to be somewhere where they can stabilize her medications,tube her if necessary and break the manipulation of you. Andyou need not to allow yourself to be manipulated. As long as they tube her and deal with her medications and have a family therapy program where htey work on her manipulating you there might be hope I think you are so frustruated right now because you see yourself returning to what you left. And it wasn't pretty. You have the knowledge to know that she can eat when she chooses.
I say this having put my son in a program knowing I would not see him for at least 5 weeks. This was a kid who pretty dependent on me. It was really tough. But I knew he wasn't going to progress until he really had to come to terms.
Sound like from what you write that she is in control of the whole show and she holds death by not eating over your head. I'd be stressed out. psychiatric hospital is way to go in this case I think. She needs a pretty intensive dose of something.
sorry for you, I hope you have gained some insight into you and taking care ofyou on this trip.
This is just the impression that I get, but i think your daughter needs to be in a psychiatric hospital for a while. Not one that deals with eating disorders I think the program there has shown wiht zyprexa and right environment she can eat. so it seems like she needs to be somewhere where they can stabilize her medications,tube her if necessary and break the manipulation of you. Andyou need not to allow yourself to be manipulated. As long as they tube her and deal with her medications and have a family therapy program where htey work on her manipulating you there might be hope I think you are so frustruated right now because you see yourself returning to what you left. And it wasn't pretty. You have the knowledge to know that she can eat when she chooses.
I say this having put my son in a program knowing I would not see him for at least 5 weeks. This was a kid who pretty dependent on me. It was really tough. But I knew he wasn't going to progress until he really had to come to terms.
Sound like from what you write that she is in control of the whole show and she holds death by not eating over your head. I'd be stressed out. psychiatric hospital is way to go in this case I think. She needs a pretty intensive dose of something.
sorry for you, I hope you have gained some insight into you and taking care ofyou on this trip.
KTMom91
Well-Known Member
A friend of mine was morbidly obese, and opted for gastric bypass surgery. She nearly died several times, had horrible complications, looked gray all the time, had heavy periods like you wouldn't believe, and one day I asked her why she has decided to do this, considering all the difficulties she'd had.
Her response? My husband didn't allow me to handle anything he deemed important. All I could do was go to work and come home, and take care of the baby. THE ONLY THING I COULD CONTROL WAS MY EATING, SO I ATE. AND ATE. AND ATE.
That statement, from a 45 year old woman, is what I think of when I think of your daughter. It's the only thing she can control, and with the food issues, she can control you, too, and by extension, the entire family. That's a heck of a lot of power she has, just by taking (or not) several bites of food. I'm not saying there aren't other issues by any means, but I wonder (as I often have with Miss KT over numerous things) how much is "can't" and how much is "won't."
Hugs. Hope you can get some peaceful solo quiet time soon.
Her response? My husband didn't allow me to handle anything he deemed important. All I could do was go to work and come home, and take care of the baby. THE ONLY THING I COULD CONTROL WAS MY EATING, SO I ATE. AND ATE. AND ATE.
That statement, from a 45 year old woman, is what I think of when I think of your daughter. It's the only thing she can control, and with the food issues, she can control you, too, and by extension, the entire family. That's a heck of a lot of power she has, just by taking (or not) several bites of food. I'm not saying there aren't other issues by any means, but I wonder (as I often have with Miss KT over numerous things) how much is "can't" and how much is "won't."
Hugs. Hope you can get some peaceful solo quiet time soon.
klmno
Active Member
Two thoughts, since my post on your thread before pretty much summed up my opinions.
1) I am concerned about you changing medication dosages without her doctors even knowing.
2) What happens if you quit using statements like "if you eat, we'll do this; if you don't eat, we'll do this"? IOW, take what she wants or doesn't want out of the "health" issue about eating. Have you ever tried this consistently for a few weeks? If rewards and consequences (getting what she wants) are the only thing that gets her to eat doesn't that speak volumes?
3) OK- I thought of one more. LOL! It's better to find out for sure before you left there that this would happen. What if you'd thought this food thing was cured, then gone home and she start this?
1) I am concerned about you changing medication dosages without her doctors even knowing.
2) What happens if you quit using statements like "if you eat, we'll do this; if you don't eat, we'll do this"? IOW, take what she wants or doesn't want out of the "health" issue about eating. Have you ever tried this consistently for a few weeks? If rewards and consequences (getting what she wants) are the only thing that gets her to eat doesn't that speak volumes?
3) OK- I thought of one more. LOL! It's better to find out for sure before you left there that this would happen. What if you'd thought this food thing was cured, then gone home and she start this?
Marguerite
Active Member
!!??!donkey sperm shots??!!??!? Please explain...
As for the rest - I don't have anything to add. Others have said it for me.
I do wonder if the psychiatric hospital idea might be a goer... you've tried the pure eating disorders angle. You've tried the "lock her up and make her eat" angle. I'm wondering if putting her somewhere that is primarily treating the psychiatric stuff but can tube her if it becomes necessary and bring a feeding therapist in as consultant, instead of it being the main therapy - I wonder if this might possibly work better.
Marg
As for the rest - I don't have anything to add. Others have said it for me.
I do wonder if the psychiatric hospital idea might be a goer... you've tried the pure eating disorders angle. You've tried the "lock her up and make her eat" angle. I'm wondering if putting her somewhere that is primarily treating the psychiatric stuff but can tube her if it becomes necessary and bring a feeding therapist in as consultant, instead of it being the main therapy - I wonder if this might possibly work better.
Marg
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I also think psychiatric hospital attached to a regular hospital so that they have attending physicians on call is appropriate next step. She is not stable enough to the next step to be home.
I dont give a darn what they call her disorders but she is sick. She is getting something out of all this whether she is doing it consciously or not. I think its high time for someone else to take over her day to day care and you to step back to your life and just visit at normal visiting hours. I would probably even think it would be wise to do the wait at least 2 weeks before you see her. She is for sure going to have a cow and a few baby kittens while this happens. Better you arent there to endure her wrath.
Phobia's dont go away overnight. You simply cant get someone to do something once or twice and say they are cured of their phobia and all is well. Thats stupid. I am completely phobic about snakes but if someone had me locked away in a place far from home and they told me that if all I had to do to get away from a place I didnt want to be was touch this non-poisonous snake twice with my finger, well, I could manage that just to get to go home. Now I would be darned if I would go home and get a pet snake! I wouldnt be cured of my phobia, I would just do what I had to do to fake being well.
I dont give a darn what they call her disorders but she is sick. She is getting something out of all this whether she is doing it consciously or not. I think its high time for someone else to take over her day to day care and you to step back to your life and just visit at normal visiting hours. I would probably even think it would be wise to do the wait at least 2 weeks before you see her. She is for sure going to have a cow and a few baby kittens while this happens. Better you arent there to endure her wrath.
Phobia's dont go away overnight. You simply cant get someone to do something once or twice and say they are cured of their phobia and all is well. Thats stupid. I am completely phobic about snakes but if someone had me locked away in a place far from home and they told me that if all I had to do to get away from a place I didnt want to be was touch this non-poisonous snake twice with my finger, well, I could manage that just to get to go home. Now I would be darned if I would go home and get a pet snake! I wouldnt be cured of my phobia, I would just do what I had to do to fake being well.
1 Day At a Time
Member
Jena,
I have been amazed at your patience and your dedication to your daughter as I have read your emails. You are such a wonderful mother, and I can sense just how much you love her.
My first "real job" was working with teenagers with eating disorders at a local psychiatric hospital. I can tell you that eating disorders are all about control and they are a method of hanging on to childhood (and its dependency) at all costs. Think about how new parents are obsessed about feeding their new babies - the feeding can take over the entire household for a while. Then, that passes, and life gets back to normal. Your daughter is now "stuck" at that need to have everyone try to "feed her". She just can't get past it on her own.
I've been surprised that you have been such a strong part of her treatment, but I admit that I have been away from the field for many years now. At our hospital the minimum stay was a year - and parents could only occasionally visit. The bottom line was that the strong connection between the parent and the daughter was interrupted, and this change interrupted patterns enough to let real treatment begin. It also gave parents some needed opportunity for some rest and disengagement. I know that a year seems like forever, but a year can really help a young girl mature in the ways that she needs to mature. (I know that more and more young men have this problem, but our hospital only treated girls). I think that it is really, really important for your daughter to learn that she cannot control you by eating or not eating. It's an extremely difficult lesson.
I wonder if you can find a program that will enforce a needed separation? I can only imagine the cost (both financial and emotional), but I think it will provide a needed change up and break for you both. I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers, Jena.
Valerie
I have been amazed at your patience and your dedication to your daughter as I have read your emails. You are such a wonderful mother, and I can sense just how much you love her.
My first "real job" was working with teenagers with eating disorders at a local psychiatric hospital. I can tell you that eating disorders are all about control and they are a method of hanging on to childhood (and its dependency) at all costs. Think about how new parents are obsessed about feeding their new babies - the feeding can take over the entire household for a while. Then, that passes, and life gets back to normal. Your daughter is now "stuck" at that need to have everyone try to "feed her". She just can't get past it on her own.
I've been surprised that you have been such a strong part of her treatment, but I admit that I have been away from the field for many years now. At our hospital the minimum stay was a year - and parents could only occasionally visit. The bottom line was that the strong connection between the parent and the daughter was interrupted, and this change interrupted patterns enough to let real treatment begin. It also gave parents some needed opportunity for some rest and disengagement. I know that a year seems like forever, but a year can really help a young girl mature in the ways that she needs to mature. (I know that more and more young men have this problem, but our hospital only treated girls). I think that it is really, really important for your daughter to learn that she cannot control you by eating or not eating. It's an extremely difficult lesson.
I wonder if you can find a program that will enforce a needed separation? I can only imagine the cost (both financial and emotional), but I think it will provide a needed change up and break for you both. I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers, Jena.
Valerie
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Anxiety disorder seems to kick up when things are stressful and, when it's rabid, anything can kick it off. Frankly, I don't think anyone knows what is wrong with her. There are some people who are hard to figure out...that's when you have to treat the symptoms. WHY she doesn't eat isn't as important as getting her to eat. JMO
Also, my son had classic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He used to count the words that people said and his own breathing and it was so bad that he couldn't function. He had to drop out of college...he was a mess. He still has it, but it's more under control.
Also, my son had classic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He used to count the words that people said and his own breathing and it was so bad that he couldn't function. He had to drop out of college...he was a mess. He still has it, but it's more under control.
smallworld
Moderator
The only thing I would add to this discussion is that I'm not sure Jen's daughter is doing this consciously. I consider her lack of eating a maladaptive coping strategy -- instead of melting down, she's shutting down. She needs to be taught new coping strategies, much the way Ross Greene teaches lacking skill sets in his book The Explosive Child. "Children do well if they can," Greene writes, not if they want to. Similarly, children explode or implode not because they want to or choose to, but because they lack the skills to develop adaptively.
DDD
Well-Known Member
I'm out of my element with the complex issues your facing. The only thing I can think to add based on some experience is this. Sometimes those of us who have dealt or are dealing with drug or alcohol use have to sort through the true meaning of "enabling". Lordy it is such a fine line between loving and protecting and enabling. Due to her youth it makes it an even finer line. If there is a valid comparison (and I'm not saying there is) then it would appear that you have provided all the support you could access to date with little reason to be optimistic.
I'm sure you are sick of thinking
but perhaps if you compare her disorders/behaviors to that of an addict it may help.
Many of us have traveled that road for years choosing different options...some at great personal cost...like you. But at some point hypothetically you have an addict and you've paid for multiple programs, taken them for counseling, watched them like a hawk...and they still use. Then....some people say "ok, you are using but you may not go away from home to use because something terrible may happen" which results in your home being a drug house and the family being absorbed by sick behaviors. Or...you say (obviously not valid with your child) "ok, I've had it let's pack your things and get you to H out of here". Or...you say "look you know I love you, I've been as supportive as I can be, but we can not continue down this road". Then find the energy to find a psychiatrist who can grasp the complexities, read through your notes and records and suggest where she needs to go by herself to face her issues.
Living with hourly stress can actually put your life in jeopardy. The accumulation of stress is no small thing. Like everyone I continue to hope and pray that your difficult child gets well soon but I'm actually more concerned about you. Dysfunction is very contageous. I hope you can get yourself off the daily roller coaster. Supportive hugs coming your way. DDD
I'm sure you are sick of thinking
but perhaps if you compare her disorders/behaviors to that of an addict it may help.Many of us have traveled that road for years choosing different options...some at great personal cost...like you. But at some point hypothetically you have an addict and you've paid for multiple programs, taken them for counseling, watched them like a hawk...and they still use. Then....some people say "ok, you are using but you may not go away from home to use because something terrible may happen" which results in your home being a drug house and the family being absorbed by sick behaviors. Or...you say (obviously not valid with your child) "ok, I've had it let's pack your things and get you to H out of here". Or...you say "look you know I love you, I've been as supportive as I can be, but we can not continue down this road". Then find the energy to find a psychiatrist who can grasp the complexities, read through your notes and records and suggest where she needs to go by herself to face her issues.
Living with hourly stress can actually put your life in jeopardy. The accumulation of stress is no small thing. Like everyone I continue to hope and pray that your difficult child gets well soon but I'm actually more concerned about you. Dysfunction is very contageous. I hope you can get yourself off the daily roller coaster. Supportive hugs coming your way. DDD
C
Castle Queen
Guest
Just a rookie newbie here so you can take this with a grain of salt. After sifting through the responses, I tend to agree with-Pepperidge, 1 Day, and Janet. psychiatric hospital stay and not a real brief one, how to find the right place though. You cannot go back to NY and start this all over again-she is just not ready to be home.
Jena,
I am so sorry she's putting you through this again. I didn't get online last night or until now today, or I would have responded earlier. Reading through the responses was enlightening. I agree that she maybe needs a psychiatric hospital stay, without you at her beck and call.
I am so sorry she's putting you through this again. I didn't get online last night or until now today, or I would have responded earlier. Reading through the responses was enlightening. I agree that she maybe needs a psychiatric hospital stay, without you at her beck and call.
