I've made a decision

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Sep 8, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm not going back to that therapist. I can't. I'm way too vulnerable. I have no fight in me. No will.

    I was ready to go back and face this, but I just don't have the strength. Nor the desire. I just don't care.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, if you are really more comfortable taking it slower with a female, how about going that route?
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Woah...wait. Heather girl. Stop and think for a minute here. I know you are gonna probably want to hit me...its ok...yell and scream at me...but I think you are projecting and hiding from not wanting to even deal with what therapy might uncover. It is easier for you to get mad at this therapist because of the trigger so you can justify not going back to him than to attempt to see if you can work through the rough spots.

    You dont have to have any will to do therapy...and of course you are vulnerable! We all are. Trust issues are huge for us. You dont have to walk into his office and say...hello...I am here and I am going to trust you completely from day one. Its a learning curve. A give and take relationship. However if he doesnt see your vulnerability then he cant even help you. If you dont allow anyone in, no one ever gets behind those walls. I loved my walls. I still love them. It took me forever to start taking down my bricks and let joy behind them. I think it was almost a year before I allowed myself to cry in front of her! (Now I cant stop!...LOL)

    If you really dont think you are ready...ok...I will support you 100%. I will also be here to tell you I think you are making a mistake. Maybe this guy isnt the one but you do need to find someone. You would tell me the same thing...and you know it!

    I only want the best for you. I want you to be happy.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Some of the most painful things we can get out of our mental attic are the heaviest. I hope you draw on the support of your friends here who care to get you through this.

    I would never tell you to go if I hadn't had to find the same strength - and at the time I had no one at all. I just knew things had to change or I was going to be trapped for the rest of my life.

    Don't let your memories and your pain stop your progress. JUST GOING was a step that most can't even take because they are afraid. You're worth so much more than you think. Go find out - FOR YOURSELF.

    Hugs & Love
    I also was resistant to therapy and ended up going for 12 years. No regrets.....and I'm much happier.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's not the memories and the pain from said memories. It's the deep, dark, oppressive fog of depression that I'm in right now. I have no fight and no desire to work on past stuff right now. I need to get through today. And tomorrow. And maybe the day after that.

    Cause right now, I don't want to do any of that. I don't want tomorrow.

    I'm going to find another therapist. Just one that I feel comfortable with from the start. I'm in too much pain...am too vulnerable...am falling apart. There is no time to build.

    If that makes any sense.

    Just make this stop, please. I can't stand it.

    I asked my mom if she could take off work tomorrow, but there is no one to cover for her. She broke a tooth over the weekend and has a crown appointment on Wed afternoon after work and she said she would cancel that. I told her not to. She's leaving again Thursday for the weekend and if she doesn't get it fixed Wed she won't be able to until next week.

    Plus, in all honesty, if this continues until Wednesday I'm just not going to give a *bleep* about anything anyway. If this continues, I see me in the hospital by Wednesday.

    It's bad guys. I don't know what to do.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling. Each of us fogs in our own different way. I know what I felt like at Christmas when I didn't get out of bed for 4 days - didn't care at all. It was getting bad then worse, and more worse until I just crawled in bed in a fetal position, blacked out the windows and slept 4 days. It was frustrating, awful, scary, lonely....and no one knew what to do for me either. DF tried to make me eat, laugh, cry, get angry - I think I was a click away from catatonic. No joke. The ONLY thing that made me smile or laugh the entire time was when Witz wrote she kicked her manger across the room, but she said donkey....she kicked the manger donkey across the room. Kinda like kicking some you know...and while I felt so bad for her - that made me laugh until I cried.

    Take Buster for a walk.......go by yourself. Even if it's just out in the front yard.....See Pootie was MY Paxil XR. She "needed" me. I think that's why when she was stolen it made me crazy until I found her. I didn't want to add another dog, but she's just for me.....maybe Buster can be that for you.....just needs you.

    I know this probably isn't your first thought - but HOW bad would things be for Wynter and Devon if YOU took a break - checked in at the hospital tonight just for a medications evaluation? I actually did that too once - and it was the BEST thing....didnt' want to - fought it the whole way there. And got so frustrated waiting for all the "sick people" but when I got my turn and told that Doctors care doctor I was falling into a deep depression - I got immediate help. IMMEDIATE. Most insurances have a co-pay of $50 for them - and THAT is worth it to me......some are even open until 9:00


    OH I'm so there in my mind - :angel3: Hugs
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Do you think it would help at all to call a crisis counselor and just talk about what you feel like talking about, instead of trying to cover everything in the past when you need to be dealing with how you feel today? There are hotline numbers and I think most localities have at least one place to call. If it's a judgemental man, you can always hang up on him. :)
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather...I have no answers...I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Sending many hugs. I wish I knew how to help.
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I know you need help, and it is hard to get help for yourself when you need it most. You need applauded for the fact that you realize something is wrong. While I have had periods of depression, I am cursed with optimism so the depression I had last winter was very alien to me. Get help for yourself and your family. Your kids and pets need you. We need. You need yourself to be better. Please go get help. It does not have to be that therapist, pick whoever wherever. Just get help.

  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    There is another therapist really close to me that my GP knows and likes. I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her that I'm in the midst of a 'scary' depression (my terminology for major depression, cause 'major' just doesnt' do it justice) and see how soon she can get me in.

    In the meantime, I called my pharmacy to see if any of my medications could be interacting with my aygestin (synthetic progestin). I've been spotting almost daily and I haven't done that ever in the 4 years I've been on the aygestin. It's possibe I'm doing perimenopause and have an appointment with a GYN in a couple weeks. Thing is, it's the aygestin with the lexapro that really fixed my depression. If the aygestin isn't working right - or if I am in perimenopause - it's going to have a huge impact on my depression.

    The pharmacist looked at all of my medications and even pulled out the insert for the aygestin and couldn't find anything. Then she looked at Prilosec OTC (which she didn't know about) and said that it lists depression as a possible side effect. Now a lot of medications list that, but while I was stable on the lexapro and aygestin it was never an issue. While I was thinking about that, the timing of starting the Prilosec and the spotting match up. So, I'm going to stop the Prilosec and see if I can determine a cause and effect scenario.

    I'm just feeling desperate in doing anything to make this stop. I'm still only at 25mg on the lamictal so it's too soon to see any benefits from that.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heather...I so truly understand on so many levels. If you feel that now is the time to deal with the current stuff...then lets start there and you can work on the other junk later. Sometimes we have to clean off the counters first before we start in on the drawers. I hope that made some kind of rational sense...lol.

    Now...onto this prolonged abyss you keep falling into. Something is causing it but we cant find the cause. It is causing you deep distress. I know you are talking the klonopin for sleep. Klonopin can cause depression. Now...here is where I am going to make a suggestion and you can tell me to go fly a kite if you want. Ask your GP for say 20 of the 50 mg seroquel. Then when you get them, use a pill cutter and cut them into fourths. See how you do on 12.5 mgs of seroquel. If you sleep ok and start to feel calmer...great. If you dont get quite enough sleep...go to 25 per night. I average between 25 and 50 per night depending on if I take one or two klonopin. I am also seeing a huge decrease in my irritability and depression. Even with the junk that has been thrown my way recently I think I have held things together remarkably well. I havent attempted to cut, Self harm, Suicide, or any of those other bad things. I dont need a very high dose to just keep me even. This may very well be a maintenance medication for me. You may be able to just keep it on hand for when things get really rough. Thats how I took it before...sleep and prn. It does not give me nitemares. (Though maybe it gives tony nightmares...lol)
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Yeah, the klonopin definitely makes me feel more depressed so I've only been taking it for sleep because it helps best with my legs. But, I think I should just get rid of it altogether and do the seroquel.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh...heard about something we are gonna try something OTC on tv last nite for restless legs that are some drops you put on your back. They sell them at CVS. I will get them and let you know how they go.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Heather.............CALL ME!

    We'll chat.

    Cuz I'm getting too many ohio calls to tell which number is yours on my ID. :faint:

  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Aw, hon, I'm sorry. HUGS
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Earlier I just wanted to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and hide. For like a month. And now I'm sooo tired and I don't want to go to sleep. Sigh.
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, I don't think this counsellor made you depressed. You were already feeling really bad before you saw him. That's why you sought out help. And it's easy, as you begin to feel better, to forget just how bad you felt before.

    A counsellor isn't going to be able to help without the bad feelings continuing for a while longer. Sometimes you could feel even worse for a while because the feelings have to be confronted before you can deal with them. He's not going to be able to fix things overnight.

    Whether you go back to him, or just move straight on - it's your choice. But I do think that at some stage, you need to go back to him and resolve your reasons for moving on. Even if you put it in a letter to him - you need to be able to close that door and know that there is nothing left behind it any more. You need to properly finish, and not just walk away and hope he will disappear up his own fundamental orifice.

    What I'm saying - finish and move on if you choose. But FINISH. And if you feel bad now - it's not necessarily his fault. Or anyone's. I think it's just what you're dealing with right now, the reason you reached out to begin with.

    You need help. You acknowledged this. I think that is your priority.

    Hang in there, hon.

  18. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Marg, I think you're misunderstanding. I know I was depressed when I went to see this therapist - it's why I went. I wasn't comfortable with him during the appointment, but I was willing to work on that. Then at the end of the appointment when he hit my trigger, I was so incredibly upset. But, I had decided that I needed to go back and address this and see if I was comfortable with him. I'm not blaming him for my current state of depression. It's the nature of the beast.

    Thing is, now the depression has gotten much stronger. And I don't have the energy, recources, strength to go through trying to resolve a therapist-patient relationship. I need to find someone I feel comfortable with. I mean, I'm not totally comfortable with anyone, but someone I feel like I can talk to who isn't second-guessing everything I say - real or perceived - and who I feel like I can trust...as much as I can trust anyone, which isn't easy.

    Clear as mud?

    I'm afraid I'm going over the edge with this depression. I don't have time to try to work things out with someone I wasn't comfortable with from the get-go. I need someone where we can hit the ground running if I'm going to have a chance of pulling through this relatively soon.
  19. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I called the therapist that I want to schedule with and got her answering service. Her secretary is out sick today, so I'll try again tomorrow.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hang int here, Heather. And by the way- you probably shouldn't read the thread I just started. I don't want to discourage you- I just read this one again after posting mine. I should have put mine on the General- sorry- I'm just frustrated.