I've never met daughter in law's family. Anyone else?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Aug 26, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the weird saga of my son's family goes, she keeps the two families seperated. I met her mother once, by accident, because she dropped over not knowing that we were in town, however she left really fast and was not warm and fuzzy. We always have family functions apart...never together. There WAS a one year old birthday we were all invited to. I couldn't go due to getting kicked out of our house and having to find new lodgings NOW, but my daughter went and said her family basically ignored her. They did give her odd looks at first because she is a Korean adoptee and nobody had any idea that she was my son's sister until he announced it. Then they were a little bit warmer, but not friendly.

    I have no idea about anything in her family other than her mother is a functioning alcoholic who makes six figures because her father is very wealthy and she works for him. I know she has a breathalyzer in her car and, from seeing her, that s he is quite pretty for her age. I've never met anybody else, even when George was born. Her family got to come and see him, then we got to come and see him.

    Tell me if I'm just imagining that this is incredibly odd. And don't ask me to question daughter in law about it. She never answers questions. She evades, skirts around, gets busy, just says nothing...she is also very distant. I have t o also add that at the beginning of son's marriage, she would call me all the time with her problems, sometimes in tears. I was always very nice to her even when it was about fights she had with my son. Even at that time, we never met her family.

    They did not have a wedding. They ran off and got married. They did not Baptize George because both of them are not religious. My sons sure know how to pick wives...lol!!!!:tongue: Ah, maybe it's ME!!! Sorry for taking up so much space. I'm just totally baffled right now.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jamies first wife was like that. But I put it down to her being from Utah and it just being such a long distance away. I did find it really odd though that her mom never even attempted to call us to see where her 18 year old daughter was living right before the marriage! Nor did she take me up on the offer to have me call her on my cell phone so she could listen in to the ceremony while they got married. She was too busy. I thought that was rather odd. I never spoke to the woman the entire time Jamie was married to Crystal. I was really glad Jamie didnt have any kids with Crystal. After her little shenanigans with the whole adulteray thing, I later found out Crystal spent some time in an alternative school during HS. With all her raging and mood swings and hypersexuality, I think she is bipolar.

    Now, Jamies current inlaws, I was terrified to meet them but they are as down to earth as they come. They have as many problems as we do in my family, if not more, so no one looks down at us at all. I really grieved when Jamie's mom in law died when I was in rehab. I so badly wanted to go up there. I miss her. I keep thinking...gosh I wanna call Kathy...lmao.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't think I'd take it personal...my guess is she's embarrassed by her family, and copes by keeping a wall between them (her roots) and you (her reality). If you don't see the problem, there's not a problem...

    Just my guess. Sorry its that way, tho.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sorry to say, some families are just like that....

    We always invited everyone to everything, but one side of the family always insisted that there had to be separate events for each family. And if they were suspicious that in-laws might be attending a certain function, they would refuse to come.

    I had enough of it, so finally I stated "Here's how we are celebrating _____________. If you would like to join us, please attend. If you would not like to join us, we respect your wishes but we will NOT be making another party just for you." The end.

  5. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    My inlaws are from out of state and my parents are out of town. Sometimes when my inlaws are here, there will be a reason to have them all here together, but mostly not.

    My mother is open to the idea of having my inlaws come to her town to do sightseeing. My dad prefers not to socialize with them. I think it is out of his comfort zone for him to be around people he "doesn't know". Also, I have noticed my mother-in-law is always "sick" and stays upstairs when my parents are here. husband says she is always sick when it involves her inlaws also.

    Anyway, I wouldn't take it personally, if I were you.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's unusual. Geographically our family is far apart. The one and only inlaw that lives in our city is a nice, pleasant, educated woman who is a "hoarder" (big time), raised four children in a filthy house and had two dinners a year "at the table as a family". Those dinners were ordered from the Winn Dixie deli. On Fridays she would buy ham, turkey, cheese etc. and "leave it out on the counter so the kids could eat when they were hungry over the weekend". :sick:

    When we run into each other in the city (usually once every two years or so) we have a pleasant superficial conversation. That's fine with me. DDD
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Come to think about it, Mandy's family probably think I am the strange one! I havent met many of them I dont think or if I have, I dont know I have...lol. I know her mom is not around much and that Mandy was removed from her. I know she has called my phone to talk to Mandy but I never realized that the "amanda" on my phone was her mom...lol. I think Tony has met her but I havent. Or maybe I have seen her in a car when it has pulled up in the yard.

    I dont socialize with Tony's family because there is only one brother that I like. I cant abide any of the others. He can go visit and he can take the kids. I just stay home. Works for me! No love lost between us. I really dont care what they think.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the feedback, guys. Guess it's not as weird as I thought :tongue:. I don't care why we don't see them, I'm glad.

    My daughter Julie, 25, (I guess she's old enough that I can use her first name) has been with her SO Geoff for seven years and I love his mom. She's great. I invite her to everything. She is very shy and usually declines, but we are both very down-to-earth and get along well. I wouldn't mind meeting Geoff's sister, her hub and their kids either. Probably will.

    Now my son's wife's family is very rich and probably think they are better than us. Or maybe they just don't like us. I know they don't like HIM because he has a terrible social phobia and doesn't say much to them at family get togethers.

    Oh, well. Skrew it...lol. :faint: :)
  9. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I have come to the conclusion that all families are incredibly odd; it is just that most of us are odd in our own ways.

    I would be happy to have never met my daughter in law's family; if you look up "white trash" in the dictionary, you find their picture. Or perhaps you would, instead, find the picture of older difficult child's girlfriend's family. Luckily, neither girl has inherited ALL of her family's traits and they are fairly normal considering where they came from.
    BUT, I'm not sure you're situation is all that odd. A little different, sure, but certainly not unheard of.
  10. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm with the person who suggested daughter in law may be embarassed by her family.

    I've been with S/O for near to 5 years now. My mother met his sister a few times (a fluke) and his mother once (also a fluke). I ensured the time they were near my mother was SHORT. I never plan events for both sides to join in. Not even holidays, birthdays, graduations, etc. I tend to have 3 family get togethers for special occassions. I have one with all of my extended family, from time to time I do something with my mother and brother (who are not in touch with extended family) and then another with any of S/O's family that are available.

    We are getting married next year. It will NOT be a "event" despite my dreams of a perfect (though small) wedding. Simply because melding my mother and brother with my other family or S/O's family would completely ruin MY day. Instead we are going to plan something on a holiday somewhere with difficult child and easy child. We will probably host a luncheon for my extended family and S/O's family together when we return, but will "oops" and "forget" to mention it to my mother or brother. It is like walking on eggshells making plans in my world. To merge everyone would cause me alot of pain and shame and stress/anxiety. Been there done that, and I've done written the book and don't plan to repeat any of it again.

    I hope you can find a way to detach emotionally from the situation with your daughter in law. Its sad when we want a good relationship with someone, but we can't force them to reciprocate those desires. (((hugs)))
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    FWIW, my family was so dysfunctional and my husband's family was so different from the parts of my family I did like that I dreamed of cutting off nearly all the relatives and just living as a happy (of course, when you're dreaming there aren't any other kinds:tongue:) little family. I didn't do that of course, but my brother has since cut off my dad totally.

    I wasn't real generous with time alone with the grandchildren on either sides. Family gatherings are almost always seperate but that's a function of geography as much as anything. This all probably sounds like I'm really cold but actually I'm very close to my brother (he lives 4 states away and I talk with him several times a week on the phone) and close to my sister in law. I have to think that when you grow up in a dysfunctional and hurtful family, a lot of the choices one makes as an adult have to do with maintaining control of the family situation that you didn't have as a child.

    I know a lot of women who are close with their own families and standoffish with in-laws.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    MWM, please do some reading on Adult Children of Alcoholics. I sent you a link to a used copy of a book called "The Laundry List" that is incredibly helpful in opening your eyes!

    So much of what you describe is all about daughter in law feeling so very out of control. She is probably terrified of what you all would say to each other. Chances are she has created some drama and doesn't want you all to know what she told her parents about you. She cannot make her parents behave rationally and trying to will really tear her up inside.

    If you go and listen to some meetings, speak up when you are comfortable, and try to gently be kind and patient with her, then maybe in time she will open back up to you.

    Also, if she was calling you after fights with your son, she may be afraid of what you can tell your son about what she said that was not the whole truth.

    My exSIL really really REALLY did NOT NOT NOT want me to have conversations with her teenage sons because they would show what a terrible mom she had been.

    She also probably is TERRIFIED that her kid (s) will end up with developmental delays, and everything else that might be wrong.

    The whole thing so totally fits my exSIL that it isn't funny. Wiz had an appointment with the dev pediatrician and I was babysitting. My niece got fussy in the appointment so I fed her. The dev pediatrician loved holding her cause she is a cuddlebunny, but he did say that we needed to keep an eye on her because she has some features that could be attributed to fetal alcohol or possibly something else. Niece is just fine but my bro and exSIL decided that it was just not OK for me to see her. Period.

    I am sorry this so tough.
  13. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't take it personally either, but I know it's hard not to. Some families are so different they're just not comfortable being around each other, but to purposely keep them separated seems a little over the top.

    I just can't imagine something like this though. I have always thought of my son-in-law as my 'third kid". Daughter and sister in law live 630 miles away from me, and now there's a tiny little grandson almost four months old. We didn't meet sister in law's family until the day before the wedding but they welcomed us with open arms. They're just a warm, friendly, funny, close-knit clan. We even spent Christmas with them two years ago. sister in law's mom died last summer and both grandfathers are out of the picture (long story there) so I am essentially the only grandparent, even though I won't get to see him too often. sister in law's aunt (his mom's sister) just had her first grandchild too and I have a feeling she will become sort of a substitute grandma to my grandson. And that's FINE with me! Having an extended family is important to a child and I'm happy that he will be a part of this big loving bunch! He has the great-aunt and uncle, a great-grandma who adores him, two uncles and several cousins including one just two weeks older than he is. Just more people to love him and that's gotta be a good thing.

    Of course, I don't know how I might have reacted if sister in law's family had been snobby or snotty, or if they had treated us like we were intruding or like they resented us - fortunately they didn't. That must be a very difficult situation to have to contend with.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I thought we were going to have this problem with Lindseys family when Keyana was first born.

    Before Keyana was born, I had never even met her family. Not once. Cory had of course, but I dont think they were very fond of him...lol. I really think it was more that they were livid that she had decided to get pregnant yet again under such undesirable circumstances and I cant say that I blamed them one iota. I wasnt pleased either.

    When Lindsey was in the hospital room after Keyana was born, Tony and I went up to see the baby. Cory was there with her. Several people came in while we were there and didnt say one word to us. We were talking to Lindsey and cooing over the baby and snapping photo's. Finally Cory kind of steered us away and said we should leave. We asked why, and he told us that they were her mom and brother and sisters. Oh...well why didnt they say Hi and such. Me...I introduced myself and said Hi other grandma, nice to meet you, dont we have a darling little girl? LOL. You could have heard a pin drop. Oh well. Im nice and polite.

    I think Linda (the other grandma) thought we would be like the first grandchilds father and his parents...and basically say...your problem. We didnt. Cory had Keyana at our house when she was two weeks old and she has been here at least every other weekend since then. We have become really good friends now with Linda and she always asks about my other granddaughter because we have all these kids in common. Keyana is a cog in a wheel that joins these families. We will always be a part of each others lives so we do our level best to get along.