I've posted this before...

[flutterbee]

EW,

I'm glad that difficult child had you working hard for him in his corner. Maybe the other kids didn't or maybe it didn't stick. In any case, I posted this on the general forum because I was referring to minors.

For the record, my son was born before I was married. I guess that makes him illegitimate.

 

[eekysign]

I am one who has used the term loser before---both to describe my own son and also to describe his friends. difficult child was for a long time an unemployed, thieving, liar, abusive, drug user. Most of his acquaintances--I don't call them his friends---are the same. They have nothing of any substance---unless you're talking about illegal substances-- in their lives. They don't work, they don't go to school. difficult child is the only one with a high school diploma and a job, and that is because of my hard work and diligence. Most have at least one illegitimate child; many have more than one. They rob, steal, assault, and deal drugs. Most have spent time in jail. Many will spend the rest of their lives locked up. These are not 15/16 year olds. These are 20-25 year olds. They infect my community. The students at my high school view them as cool. What would you call them

Someone else's difficult children, but that someone didn't give a hoot about them, unlike us. Or someone else's difficult children that no one could ever get through to. I've got two older stepbrothers of the type you describe. I don't think they're losers. I just think it's sad. And mostly, I try not to think of it at all, because they were lost to the family years and years ago. *shrug*

I understand where you're coming from, though. Sigh.

 

[everywoman]

Heather, I am sorry if I insulted you. I was unmarried when I got pregnant with my oldest son. I, myself, was born just 2 months after my parents married. My grandson was also conceived out of wedlock. The difference is that the birth of my son changed my life. As I'm sure yours did. I became a better person. The people that I am talking about aren't parents. They are producing children they don't want and don't take care of. These children are accessories for their myspace pages. I find if disheartening that even the birth of a precious child hasn't deterred their behaviors. Again, I wasn't trying to be insulting, but I know of no other way to phrase what they are doing.

 

[flutterbee]

EW, we're good.

I shared an office with a woman at my last job for 4 years (and survived - was told no one lasted that long with her). She was raising 2 of her grandchildren. Their mother had been killed in a car accident when they were little and her son committed suicide not long before I started working there.

She told me he was schizophrenic. The story every one else heard before I came was that it was drugs. My guess is both and she was too ashamed to admit the mental illness. (She made disparaging comments about all the PTSD in soldiers today because they didn't come home from WWII with it and she thinks todays society is just weaker.) He was living in their basement. In and out of rehab (or psychiatric hospital, don't know with the conflicting stories). His problems started in his late teens. She was in complete anguish over what her son went through.

Yet, she was so incredibly judgmental of every one else. She didn't have a good thing to say about anyone. And she was very judgmental and vocal about difficult child and me as a parent until I finally asked her why she thought she could talk to me that way. Then she just quit saying it to me, but said things to every one else in the office. Things get back to you. Especially since no one liked her.

But, I remember thinking that she, of all people, should understand.

 

[everywoman]

I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know that sometimes I can come off as rough or mean spirited. It comes from years of disappointment and pain. I have worked hard to overcome that. But...I do not mince words or sugar coat my opinions. I am sorry if you think I am like the woman you worked with. I have never hidden the truth about my son from anyone. I do not offer excuses for his behavior and choices. I have shared our struggles as a family freely and openly on this board for years. I do not sit in judgment. I'm sorry if it appears that I do.

 

[flutterbee]

EW,

You misunderstood.

I was not comparing you to the woman I worked with. I was just trying to highlight why this is a sensitive topic for me and probably for others on this board who have dealt with the same kind of unjust and harsh judgment. For 4 years, day in and day out, I sat in the same office with a woman making judgments about everyone and about my daughter and me. And not hiding it. She didn't bother to try to understand. She didn't even bother to know the whole story.

I guess I was just thinking out loud.

I'm sorry that I didn't make that more clear in my post. That there even is a comparison never crossed my mind - because there isn't one. I truly apologize if you have suffered any hurt over this.

 

[everywoman]

That okay Heather. I think I'm just a little oversensitive today. My birthday is tomorrow. And as 50 looms closer and closer, I've been a little down. I tend to take things to heart too often. That's a trait I need to work on in the new year.

 

[compassion]

I see both sides. I try very hard not to name call, to have coompassion. on the other hand, I know the anger and frustratuin and try not to judge when it is expressed in not the greatest manner.
I do though feel I need to have this forum be a safe palce to share about criminal /unstable behavior without judgement. My dsuhter at 6 weeks from running/using is still stealing from us (did it today) , still craves the paarty scene and law breaker contacts. This is a part of her instability and illness. Remember the 3 C's : did not caues, can't control or cure. I have detatched and healed from lots of guilt. IT IS NOT ME. Compassion

 

[tiredmommy]

Hi Heather,
I would appreciate a heads' up about these sorts of posts (I think they come in waves) because I can't possibly monitor each and every post on this site (though I try). I don't want you to think I'm asking you to snitch or to tattle tale, but just help me make sure I'm looking in the right places when I log on throughout the day. Knowing that the overall tone of the site is being affected by one or a few members will be helpful to me to know so that I can react accordingly. Often, a gentle reminder is all that is called for from me.
I also am uncomfortable with name-calling but I tend to look at the context of the post. Certainly, I wouldn't fault a parent for their ambivalent feelings toward a friend of their child that is helping them down a destructive path. Should we understand that these other people are other people's children or other loved ones? Certainly. But I would also hate to have everyone censor themselves so much that our threads become sanitized. People get angry and frustrated and, I think, parents of difficult children may feel it even more because of their child's antics. I think some patience and understanding toward our membership is in order as well.