I've said 'No more'

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jun 15, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So, he has managed one night at the hostel. I went, on Tuesday to pick him up, take food and to go to employment agencies. Of course, he was not ready when I arrived. Such an up and down day! He is so agitated and his temper just hangs, ready to explode at anything you say 'wrong'. Whilst driving he bought up the subject of money. Always a dangerous subject. He has very little left from his dads pension money (dad died) as he spent it renting a house, but there is a little. He wants it. He is, by law entitled to it. We want him to use it for another deposit on a house rental when he is ready or a small car. No, he wants it now. I tried to talk to him about why he is in this position, reminding him this is not our fault but his. He started to go mad, called me the usual 'C' word. That was it, I told him I was "taking him back" and going home. He asked me where I was taking and before I could help myself the words were out of my mouth, "where you belong", (meaning the homeless hostel). I feel so horrible! Whatever possessed me, how cruel! he looked at me like he might kill me and then start continuously punching my car dash board until his knuckles were bleeding. It was horrible. He was screaming how could I say that and that he didn't belong here, I put him there! I just cried and told him to get out or I would cal the police and he was egging me to. Before I knew it I was screaming too like a demented animal. In the end he got out and I calmed myself. I re -picked him up and I bought him back to our house and we agreed he could have some of his money to pay off debts and give his sister some for her old phone. I understand that he needs bus money to see his friends as the hostel is in another town. We gave him £200. I dropped him at a friends. That evening he asked for another £50. We said no. He said he owed more than he thought and wanted to take his girlfriend out for a meal and have some 'fun'. We told him he didn't have money for meals, taxis, drugs, alcohol and the fun he is talking about is the reason he is in the position he is!! I also reminded him that he had not even paid his sister for the phone. He continuously texted. We ignored. Next morning we can see on his social media he never went back to hostel (only allowed 4 nights out a week). He stayed at a friends and they went out drinking cocktails!! I can also see he fell out with this friend by begging him to stay at his parents house and the friend gave in. My son then abused their rules!
    That day my sons is still asking for more money I said no and told him to get back to hostel before he is thrown out. Last night at 9.40pm he messages me that I need to book him a taxi or arrange a lift as he is stranded and must get back to hostel tonight. I said 'no'. He kept on and then said that I know he will be "f**ked" if I don't sort it. My reply? "yes YOU will be f**cked if YOU do not get yourself back, and you knew that when you managed to get where you are. YOU sort it". I blocked him. He tried to call on another number. I went to bed. I have no idea if he got back. I dread that he is thrown out but whilst he has money and we keep giving him it, he simply will not change. Do I just step back now completely? Leave him to work it out? I feel I am abandoning him but I hate being around him. I still believe there is something wrong with him from a mental health perspective, he is just strange. All his relationships are based on lies, manipulation and blame, as if he does no wrong. Walter Mitty? Ideas? xx
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Good Morning, You are in a tough spot. If you give him the money, he will spend it on drugs and drink. If you don't give it to him, he will continue to bother you about it until you pull your hair out. I know it is difficult because he is so young.
    When they are on drugs, it is hard to say if there is a mental health issue.

    You must establish boundaries for yourself and your household. There is an article on detachment in one of the forums. It is a very good place to start.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The article on detachment is located n Parent Emeritus.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes. Just back off. He is abusing you. He calls you the "c" word and you feel guilty? What kind of son calls his mother that? And banging on your dashboard in your car while you drive is a form of violence.

    Ask yourself if you would cry in guilt if a spouse of yours called ypu that name or got violent for any reason. Your son is abusing you. And you are allowing it. Somehow we not only put up with domestic abuse from our grown adult children because...? They were our babies once and we love them? Dont we need to teach them that they can not intimidate us or anyone to get their way?

    My guess is your son is using his money not to pay debts but to buy his drug of choice.

    If this were my kid i would not drive him around. He can walk, take a bike, take a taxi or bus etc. After I made my daughter leave due to drug use she walked evwrywhere, including to and from work in the snow. She quit her drugs too. She was only 19.

    You dont have to talk to your son each time he calls or texts you. You can limit your contact with him to three calls or texts a week or one. Or none. I sure would not drive him anywhere. Not only is he ungrateful, but he is a dangerous passenger. You need to not be in such a small space with him.

    I am not sure what a hostel is but he is lucky to have a roof over his head at all. If he wants better, i assume he is able bodied . He can work. People who wont work dont have nice apartments. Thats how life is.

    I am sorry he treats you so abusively. But this IS abuse. Most adults never abuse their parents. Why should he be able to do it?

    Good luck and maybe start to care for YOU and hang with people who dont abuse you. Your son should not be able to bully you into compliance. You deserve kindness snd love, not this.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    PLEASE please pull away from your son.

    This is not a healthy situation for anyone. You need to create healthy boundaries. I would not engage at ALL with my son if he were doing this to me. I barely even talk to him and he is in treatment.

    Your son is not ready to change and by you running around like a chicken without a head you are helping him to NOT change. Try to remember that when we have Difficult Child (whether it be drugs or not; my sons issue is substance abuse) that you need to do almost the OPPOSITE of what you'd do for your kids that are doing the right thing. That's the simplest way to explain it.

    Is it possible that you can see a therapist? That has helped me tremendously.

    You are NOT abandoning him. He has to suffer the consequences of his choices. That is a must. If you do not let him suffer these consequences then that has a detrimental effect. This does not mean that you do not love him. You need him to grow up and be a productive member of society. We don't ask much from these boys. I have one that we have had to send away due to his behaviors.

    You have a right to a peaceful life. Your life doens't need to be about catering to his every whim or being abused.

    I'm not saying this is easy. Trust me, it's the hardest thing you ever have to do but YOU need to change how you handle him and not wait for him to change or for things to get better. That is not working.

    are important too!!

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  6. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    My son is similar. If you will remember, he broke the touchscreen in my car and it started with pounding on the dashboard. I've spent 1K and it's still not fixed, have to take it back for more extensive repairs. The car was for sale. Son has not apologized, says it is my fault. You might consider getting him screened for Borderline Personality Disorder. Or at least getting some books and information on how to handle people like that. Whether it's the drugs or just the way they are, this is how they are acting right now. My son has major abandonment issues too and it sure complicates the detachment process. I don't know what help I can give him anymore since he abuses me and destroys my property. For instance, he is not allowed in my car as a driver or passenger any longer. So that limits his ability to go to work or school. It is a self fulfilling prophecy and very depressing mind set that my son has.
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Hi Bluebell, Thank you for your reply. I do remember your son breaking your touchscreen. The rage appears to be the frustration of their situation. The one they have caused but take no responsibility for. Funnily enough, I have thought he had Borderline Personality Disorder for a while and read some books on it. It was him, spot on! I took him to the GP and she diagnosed the same and referred him to the Mental Health Services where they promptly assessed him as having nothing wrong with him and discharged him!!! I was so so upset and angry. This was only two months ago and now we are left with nothing! I have days where detachment is easy, probably out of shear exhaustion and trauma but then the pain slowly creeps in again and I need to see/help him! Living nightmare! Hugs xx
  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your response! I agree and I need to pull back for my own health. The relief sometimes of not hearing from him is lovely. Sad, I know. I worry if I back off and he is alone he will feel that life is not worth living and end it all. I feel the constant need to tell him that he can change, he can turn it around and sometimes there is a glimmer of hope that he is but it is always so short lived. I read or hear about some other drama. I do love him, very much. I just don't feel i know him anymore and that is very very sad. xx
  9. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you SWOT! You talk so much sense and so clearly. It reads so obvious, so right, it gives me strength and for a while it works. Then slowly it creeps back. The hurt, the pain, the guilt that he is alone, the worry that it will all be too much for him and he 'checks out'. The tragicness of it all! More than anything, the thoughts that maybe he cannot help it. Maybe he is ill and needs help. It certainly isn't 'normal' behavior. Who would choose this sh*t over a family, a home, being cared for! It doesn't make sense. It is abuse, I know but then again I have said things back in despair, not always nice things. I feel sometimes maybe I have pushed him to be like this, because I won't let him home and he has nothing else. My husband reminds me he has now been in 8 different places and still nothing has changed. Its just so hard. I am being much firmer with him and feel proud of myself for it, He messaged me today at 3pm this afternoon asking me to go and visit him. I told him 'no'. I reminded him I was free this morning to see him not at 3pm in the afternoon when he has just got up and that I would now not see him until Monday as I was working tomorrow and out all weekend. He did not reply. A hostel, in the UK is somewhere for homeless people. This is a young peoples one and it really is HORRIBLE!! FILTHY, SCARY, They all sit around drinking, doing drugs. No visitors. YUK! I feel sad he has nothing and no-one, away from everyone and worry what he will do for three days on his own. I pray, not mix with the other low lives at this place xxxx
  10. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. Yes I have the detachment article printed! Some days I am good, others not so! I understand it is a process and one my husband is much further ahead on than me. He is young and that is what is sad. It is such a waste. I feel envious of all the people I know who's children are at uni or off traveling and my son is is a homeless hostel!!! He won't be having the money, he can take me to court! Talking of court, just opened a large bill for him to pay for driving offenses.He doesn't even have a license. I despair! xx
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son has been hanging out with low lives for a ling time. He isnt alone. Drug users on the street bond quickly. And, hate to say it, but we are not that important to them other than for what they can get from us. Personality disorders are personality problems...and these are not uncommon but those who have them are lacking in empathy and can be some of the meanest people there are. And they usually wont change. They wont admit anything needs changing about them. Its everyone elses fault!

    Personality disorders are not a conventional mental illnesses that can be treated with therapy and medication. This is part of who they are.

    The fact is people with antisocial personality disorder, narcicistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder can get violent. At times they hurt and even kill. Your son sounds horrible. Sorry, but to me he sounds dangerous. You should in my opinion protect yourself from him. Do you have other children? Your other loved ones deserve a healthy you and you deserve it too.

    Look, we all make choices. You can choose to stay in this darkness. Or not. Most of us have worked hard to move to a better place. Many have gone to therapy for help. Many refused to give up our lives.

    You know that after all your words, taking all the abuse, and nagging your son to do better, he is not. Your son is not psychotic. He knows how he treats you.Does he ever call you to just ask how you are? To offer to mow the lawn with no strings attached? To tell you that you are loved with no strings attached?;is he nice to ANYBODY?

    The hostel may be a shock to you but it isnt to a drug abuser. They are used to what you saw.

    Your son IS one of them for now. Nice successful adults want nothing to do with our difficult, non working, drug abusing adult children. Why would they? Like attracts like.

    I hope you chose to get therapy and detach. There is truly nothing you can do for your son. He has to do it. All of it. On his own. If he doesnt want to change, nothing will entice him to do so, lest of all nagging from Mom.

    I hope you choose to cherish your own life and take big steps to improve your state of mind. You can only help you. You cant help anyone else.

    Good luck.
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    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
  12. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    Hi Lost in Sadness
    This must be so hard for you.
    At 19 they are still children mentally and the drugs makes it worse. Their logic is poor. Their actions are not in our control. learning by their own mistakes will be a hard but good lesson. You made him accountable for himself; that is good.
    Firstly, i believe you should look after your own needs to protect yourself and show him you respect yourself. Its good modelling for him.
    DEcide your boundaries around what you will and will not accept, and stick to them. They can be your rock in choppy waters.A counsellor may be able to help you think about all this. See if you can get one though your GP
  13. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    If he gets any bills, just give to him. He is an adult, he can deal with it. Please work at detaching, as i am, somedays i can do it, but got a therapist to help me get there faster. Dont let his bs drag you down with him. I am at the point where i am just going to get out of my sons way so he doesnt pull me down any further than i am. Mine is 31yrs. Its been years of f bs. They dont listen to advice. Get out of their way.