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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 656122" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>HI Wendy,</p><p></p><p>welcome to the board. YOu will get a lot of feedback here, you should read and take what makes sense to you. You will also get a bottomless amount of empathy.</p><p>Others will come along, but I will start with my two cents.</p><p>Your son is 33. As an adult, he made adult decisions that put him in this place. You have no real role here. If he cannot make bond, he cannot leave jail. You have done more than enough ( and more than I would, anymore...but in the past I would have done as you are, believe me!) by finding him an option. You have given him the favor of having a choice. If, like a toddler, he refuses both choices and has a tantrum...do as you would with a toddler and leave the room ( I was much better at raising toddlers than I turned out to be raising young adults).</p><p></p><p>If you fix this, if you fix this bind he is in (and it sounds like it is not in your power to do so anyway), then what has he learned? Why would he change his ways? He is in a deep hole...not just that he has been arrested, but that at 33 he has no money and no income and a six year old daughter. He has a lot of ways that he , HE, needs to change.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I think you should do:</p><p>Tell him you have done all you are able, and it is up to him now.</p><p>When he starts talking about his brother, you can let him talk now and then say, "I have done all I am able, with him and now with you. Now it is up to you."</p><p>When he starts to go on and on, you can say.."I don't have any more to add. Lets talk later when you are calmer."</p><p>If he never gets calm...you never have to talk.</p><p>He has to fix himself.</p><p>Please don't spend money on him. Shame on a 33 year old taking money from his mom!</p><p>Please try to move away, and spend the time you spent researching options for him on researching support for yourself. Cause this is hard stuff. You are in a hard place, mama. YOu have long patterns and grief and guilt to deal with. </p><p>You are clearly eligible for NarAnon. There are other support groups too, and therapists as well.</p><p>And of course, there is us.</p><p>Welcome to the board. Others will come along.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you on this difficult day.</p><p></p><p>Echolette</p><p>(I like to use my full name with newcomers but you can call me Echo)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 656122, member: 17269"] HI Wendy, welcome to the board. YOu will get a lot of feedback here, you should read and take what makes sense to you. You will also get a bottomless amount of empathy. Others will come along, but I will start with my two cents. Your son is 33. As an adult, he made adult decisions that put him in this place. You have no real role here. If he cannot make bond, he cannot leave jail. You have done more than enough ( and more than I would, anymore...but in the past I would have done as you are, believe me!) by finding him an option. You have given him the favor of having a choice. If, like a toddler, he refuses both choices and has a tantrum...do as you would with a toddler and leave the room ( I was much better at raising toddlers than I turned out to be raising young adults). If you fix this, if you fix this bind he is in (and it sounds like it is not in your power to do so anyway), then what has he learned? Why would he change his ways? He is in a deep hole...not just that he has been arrested, but that at 33 he has no money and no income and a six year old daughter. He has a lot of ways that he , HE, needs to change. Here is what I think you should do: Tell him you have done all you are able, and it is up to him now. When he starts talking about his brother, you can let him talk now and then say, "I have done all I am able, with him and now with you. Now it is up to you." When he starts to go on and on, you can say.."I don't have any more to add. Lets talk later when you are calmer." If he never gets calm...you never have to talk. He has to fix himself. Please don't spend money on him. Shame on a 33 year old taking money from his mom! Please try to move away, and spend the time you spent researching options for him on researching support for yourself. Cause this is hard stuff. You are in a hard place, mama. YOu have long patterns and grief and guilt to deal with. You are clearly eligible for NarAnon. There are other support groups too, and therapists as well. And of course, there is us. Welcome to the board. Others will come along. Hugs to you on this difficult day. Echolette (I like to use my full name with newcomers but you can call me Echo) [/QUOTE]
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