Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Feb 28, 2011.
marriage counseling today????
Thinking about ya.
Wondering about this myself. Hope some degree of progress was made.
I was just checking for an update too. I'm hoping it went well. Hugs. DDD
husband showed up home a little later that night. claimed he was working. yea ok. i dont' think he wanted to come home was the thing....
so next morning he said he wasn't going than said he was going back and forth irritable etc. he was...... so i said well i'm going if you arent'. he saId you are? i said yup ill double down on therapy that's fine.
so he came. well needless to say it was rough bad and zero help from guy in there. i answered therapists questions, husband answered therapits questions. therapist said a few things like guys this is a marathon not a sprint. you have to respect eachother and respect eachothers seperateness as people, automony. ok sounds all good.
at end of it and husband got loud a few times had some strong complaints about me. he said i think the two of you have to decide if you want to work this out. he said i think first we have to ascertain what's "good" about you two. if we can't do that maybe you two are just wrong for eachother afterall. he said thats' first and foremost. so he asked if we were ready to set up another appointment. husband said no not yet i have to think.
so we went home i posted about difficult child's birthday.it was a rough long day. yet at night before my parents came i kinda just broke down a bit. he saw me and said listen i love you yet this isnt' working its' too hard. difficult child is well overwhelming to no end, we have zero time together for our relationship between difficult child and than my work schedule and you needing sleep, he said your obsessing is so hard all the time. he said i go to work everyday and work hard float the boat and for what? i have no life with you. than you give me all these rules pertaining to "how" to talk to my ex. than i screw up and you get mad. round and round we go.
he said i have a problem with her I don't know i keep answering to her when she corners me. maybe i just want to get out of it, maybe it's the control for 18 years living with her i have no idea.
long story short he pulled out the store credit card last night and booked play tickets to mary poppins it was my favorite thing as a kid for sunday for him and i. he said i guess its' really unhealthy we never go anywhere together ontop of the mess we're in, and we just spend time together at midnite which is killing you. so let's make a schedule ihate that it's boring yet you do look really bad. so we're trying a schedule out what nights ill stay up what' nights i'll sleep. we're actually goingto the play on sunday and dinner alone he's taking the entire day off. that's if i'm well enough to go. hoping i am.
we'll see how it goes.
I've never done that type of counseling but it makes sense to me that the two of you should identify the positives separately and then share them at a therapy meeting. Living with difficult children, living in a constant state of stress, living without adequate sleep, living with economic stress that threatens self image and sustained lifestyle....those impact even the most saintly of adults. It is difficult to focus on the positives. It sounds like your husband is making an effort. Hugs. DDD
It sounds like the session went better than you think. husband listened to some of it, likely a lot more than even he realizes. He also admitted that he can see the strain that staying up all night is taking on you. That is a LOT more than you thought he was seeing. in my opinion it is pretty huge.
Guys are strange about therapy. Years and years ago, when I was in elem school, my mom dragged my dad to a therapist. Then pulled my bro in for some sessions and then me in for 2 or 3. I wasn't in for as many because a lot of the problems were my dad and gfgbro's relationship - really super unhealthy. My dad resisted the therapy with every fiber of his being. My mom actually thought he didn't hear 99% of everything said there. I do mean everything, not just what the therapist said. This was in the 70's or very early 80s when NO ONE outside of California went to tdocs for anything. NO ONE knew they went - I didn't even know until the very end. Dad only went because Mom said it was that or divorce (she has used the d word no more than 3 times in their 40+ year marriage - NOT because things were great but because it was only for the most serious things for their relationship. Neither of them wanted us kids. NOt mostly a joke - neither could handle us alone.).
Just a few years ago my dad shocked us all by talking about things THEY learned from the therapist back then. He absorbed, remembered and USED most of what the therapist said. I do NOT think this is uncommon for guys. So if husband is resistant to going, don't worry too much. Keep going anyway.
Scheduling time together isn't fun or spontaneous, but it IS a good way to make sure that you have that time. Refuse to wear yourself out this week, esp on Fri and Sat. difficult child will pull all that she can to keep you from going. Unless it is likely to seriously maim her (sever a body part or produce more than 1/2 cup of blood) or someone else, ignore her shenanigans as much as possible. She will want to stop you from going to prove she is more important to you and because she does not want to share you and because her issues with you and ex getting back together.
Make the time you plan with husband SACRED - not just important or a priority. Deal with difficult child type stuff later. PLAN to be rested and well enough to go, then go if it is at all humanly possible. Same for nights you schedule to be up. Force difficult child to be in her room and quiet. Ignore what she does, do NOT respond to her if she yells, if she comes out then go away from her behind your bedroom door. If she pound son it and yells, open the door and throw water in her face and shut it again. Make sure she knows that you WILL address this stuff later, but at the time act like she isn't there.
If water in her face isn't the right way to handle it, do whatever will work. Make SURE that she knows that YOU WILL MESS UP HER TIME TO ENJOY SOMETHING ALSO. So far she plays the yell and scream and disrupt mom and husband game and is sure that you may "punish" her but it won't be a big deal. When she is watching a favorite movie or show - pull the **** she pulls. Let her know you are doing it because that is what she does to you. Afterwards, when you are BOTH calm, talk about it. Tell her that you did it to let her know how awful it feels to have someone do it to you.
A lot of the time your difficult child does stuff and no one does it to her. You are so thrilled when she does something on her own like watch a show, or when she does something that isn't pestering for your attention every second so you try do you your thing when she is occupied. She doesn't get a taste of what she dishes out. At least not from you.
I am not saying to do this all the time. Do it a time or a couple of times so that she sees exactly how awful it is to have it done to her, how "unfair" it is for someone to do that. It likely won't cure her, but it might help her learn to stop and that you WILL be creative enough to make her regret doing it to you.
I don't know if that will work, but what you are doing now isn't working with her so what do you have to lose?
Anyway, do everything you can to make this date with husband a priority. Even brainstorm to find dates that are cheap or free. Heck, maybe you and he can start going for a walk, just the 2 of you, for some of the time you have together on his day off. With or with-o the dog(s).
I hope that you can figure a way to work things out. He is right about difficult child being overwhelming. And he doesn't have a board to vent to. He only has employees. As for his ex, could he put a block on texts from her and calls from her during date and family time? No reason she needs 24/7 access to him. He doesn't need to tell her, just let voicemail pick her up and ignore texts except at specific times during the day or week. Not calls from the kids, calls from her. He doesn't need her fb, nor does she need his, in my opinion. Can he unfriend her and set privacy so she cannot see him and he cannot see her? I thought that was one of the "great" things about fb?
These are just ideas. He may have to ease into these things. He does have a LOT to remember and a lot of years of telling ex just about everything to unlearn. I know you hate her, and when he talks to her, but 4 years really is not a long time to unlearn those patterns.
difficult child is leaving with her dad on friday night.... so rest and relaxation is just a glance away for me now. im doing zero no saturday laying in bed all day with-tea and watching movies from library for myself so i'll be good for sunday. it'sa whole lotta money he didnt' have to go that far. yet mary poppins has been my favorite since im little it's very emotional for me lol. like everything else. that was my coping tool when i was little. dear old dad would take me out drinking with him unknown by my mom and i would return and play my mary poppins records and jump around my room with an umbrella.
so its like good timing right now to see some flying mary poppins. we've never even been out like that ever since we have been together. should be interesting to see what a day of no kids at all is like. when we have went away two times i'm always worrying about kids. yet now ill be local and out with-him.
we'll see how it all shakes out. its' not a huge answer yet its a start. we'll go to therapy again next week. as far as ex goes susie yes it isnt' i know 4 years and i have to learn how to not let it get to me. yet the lying's gotta stop. husband knows if it doesnt' i'm out. he even said i dont' blame you. yet it did take half hour of convincing him on a schedule. i told him i have to i'm falling apart. i'm not you and add who doesn't need sleep. i LOVE sleep!
we've blocked her from fb. yet she's stalking him thru his daughter's page. it all rests with-husband in all honesty. that crazy woman can strip down and be in my yard it's all up to husband how to deals with-her ya know. he's got alot of work to do.
It does sound like he took more from it than expected and just needed some time to process it. I'm glad he's seeing this more clearly and that he remembered you adore Mary Poppins. If you can affect a nonchalant attitude about his ex, he may relax some, and if you affect it long enough you may well stop caring about ex's "drama of the day/hour/minute". Once you and husband are more settled in yourselves you can bring up at therapy that he needs new ideas on how not to jump when ex says jump and how to stop letting her disrupt your lives.
I hope the weekend goes wonderfully and husband turns off his phone while you're out getting your couple time.
I think this is HUGE Jen....really....I do.....I think you have a good guy that is trying to make this all work. Hang in there.
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