POSITION : PARENT Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends, dance concerts and endless sports tournaments in distant locations. Extensive courier and chauffeur duties also required. Travel expenses are NOT reimbursed. DURATION OF CONTRACT : The rest of your life. RESPONSIBILITIES : Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs money. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 100 kph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Other duties also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required or available. On-the-job training offered on a continual and exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : None! You pay them! ... and offer frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that tertiary study will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and only wish you could do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : Almost none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, in the hope that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. Once sufficient time in this position has accumulated (usually 20+ years service), there is a slightly more senior position of GRANDPARENT available. Duties for this position are similar but with more personal physical pain. Wages and Compensation are identical to parent with one added benefit - you can give them back. RETIREMENT PACKAGE : None, ever! Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.