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Job Fair today - fingers crossed!
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630843" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lil, good advice from MWM and Lucy. Stop the flow of money. And they KNOW how hard it is for us to keep on saying No and No and No and No, and they will keep on pushing because we have taught them that eventually, we will break down and Say Yes.</p><p></p><p>It has taken me literally years to undo that knowledge in my son. I TAUGHT HIM THAT. So I have to UNTEACH HIM THAT.</p><p></p><p>He would just wear me out, and I thought it was just easier to give in. If only I knew then what I know now. </p><p></p><p>Lil, my mother used to tell me this: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse.</p><p></p><p>You know why? I used to be the BIGGEST worrywart. I would worry about everything. I worried because I wanted to control everything and I subconsciously thought that by worrying, I could get out ahead of it. I could think out ahead of all of the possibilities and in that way be prepared and head them all off at the pass.</p><p></p><p>Doesn't work, Lil. And we just drive ourselves NUTS.</p><p></p><p>How to stop, though? In time. In time, stopping the obsessive thinking in ourselves is a part of our recovery. As we work on us, and learn how to change ourselves, we learn how to stop worrying, and respect other people, and give other people a chance to do something on their own, however messy it is and looks to us, to give other people dignity, the dignity of making their own mistakes, and struggling, which makes the end worthwhile, and the lessons some that they will remember. We learn how to TURN and walk in a new direction, with warm hugs for our precious adult children, and that new direction is a focus on us and our own lives. </p><p></p><p>Lil, it will take years to do this. So start now. Start assembling that toolbox, and start giving your own sweet, smart, loving and caring self the attention you deserve.</p><p></p><p>difficult child sounds like he is doing okay, really. He needs to get a job, so make it clear (hold your ground, Lil) that he must and can do this within the allotted time frame. No excuses. No bs. </p><p></p><p>Lil, one story: When easy child was 16 or 17, it was one summer and he needed a summer job. Now he had start working part-time when he was 15 so he knew the drill. He was majorly dragging his feet and halfheartedly putting in applications and spending most of the day sleeping and playing video games. Nothing was happening. So one day we had a "come to Jesus" meeting---difficult child, his dad (we were still married at the time) and myself. His dad told him (one of his dad's proudest moments, I believe): easy child, tomorrow morning you will get up at 8 a.m. You will get dressed and you will leave this house. You will not come back until you have a job. Period. </p><p></p><p>Guess what? He did it, and by the time 3 p.m. rolled around, he had a job. He got a job as a cook at Steak and Shake. </p><p></p><p>Lil, difficult child can do it. He can do anything he sets his mind to, just like you said. </p><p></p><p>He has to know that you and husband are playing for keeps. This is serious business, Lil, and you have a real chance here to help him chart a new course. Stay tough. Stay strong. This is the best of love, Lil, that we hold their feet to the fire, and we expect better of them. </p><p></p><p>I know it's hard. But it's worth the good fight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630843, member: 17542"] Lil, good advice from MWM and Lucy. Stop the flow of money. And they KNOW how hard it is for us to keep on saying No and No and No and No, and they will keep on pushing because we have taught them that eventually, we will break down and Say Yes. It has taken me literally years to undo that knowledge in my son. I TAUGHT HIM THAT. So I have to UNTEACH HIM THAT. He would just wear me out, and I thought it was just easier to give in. If only I knew then what I know now. Lil, my mother used to tell me this: Worry is a fast getaway on a wooden horse. You know why? I used to be the BIGGEST worrywart. I would worry about everything. I worried because I wanted to control everything and I subconsciously thought that by worrying, I could get out ahead of it. I could think out ahead of all of the possibilities and in that way be prepared and head them all off at the pass. Doesn't work, Lil. And we just drive ourselves NUTS. How to stop, though? In time. In time, stopping the obsessive thinking in ourselves is a part of our recovery. As we work on us, and learn how to change ourselves, we learn how to stop worrying, and respect other people, and give other people a chance to do something on their own, however messy it is and looks to us, to give other people dignity, the dignity of making their own mistakes, and struggling, which makes the end worthwhile, and the lessons some that they will remember. We learn how to TURN and walk in a new direction, with warm hugs for our precious adult children, and that new direction is a focus on us and our own lives. Lil, it will take years to do this. So start now. Start assembling that toolbox, and start giving your own sweet, smart, loving and caring self the attention you deserve. difficult child sounds like he is doing okay, really. He needs to get a job, so make it clear (hold your ground, Lil) that he must and can do this within the allotted time frame. No excuses. No bs. Lil, one story: When easy child was 16 or 17, it was one summer and he needed a summer job. Now he had start working part-time when he was 15 so he knew the drill. He was majorly dragging his feet and halfheartedly putting in applications and spending most of the day sleeping and playing video games. Nothing was happening. So one day we had a "come to Jesus" meeting---difficult child, his dad (we were still married at the time) and myself. His dad told him (one of his dad's proudest moments, I believe): easy child, tomorrow morning you will get up at 8 a.m. You will get dressed and you will leave this house. You will not come back until you have a job. Period. Guess what? He did it, and by the time 3 p.m. rolled around, he had a job. He got a job as a cook at Steak and Shake. Lil, difficult child can do it. He can do anything he sets his mind to, just like you said. He has to know that you and husband are playing for keeps. This is serious business, Lil, and you have a real chance here to help him chart a new course. Stay tough. Stay strong. This is the best of love, Lil, that we hold their feet to the fire, and we expect better of them. I know it's hard. But it's worth the good fight. [/QUOTE]
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