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Just a rant....a long rant
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 62032" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>With the kids possibly using a diagnosis as an excuse - it's never happened in our house. For us, the diagnosis was a reason, never an excuse. </p><p></p><p>However - you are right in that we shouldn't punish the kids for what they can't control. If they really can't control certain actions, WE have to do t he controlling for them. And these are kids who LIKE to have their own control where possible. So they will cooperate in terms of not making it worse if they can help it, because learning to do better gives them back more control.</p><p></p><p>Example - I wouldn't go out in the afternoon/evening for years, so I could be home to referee. The medications would be worn off, the kids also had the fallout of a long, tiring day to deal with, they were tired, hungry and needing to be moved through the evening routine - no way would I leave them with a sitter. Even now if I go out in the evening and leave the kids with husband, there's a higher chance of things going wrong. However, we're bearing fruit overall as the routine has done its job and it's easier to keep them moving. I've even left difficult child 3 on his own sometimes. At first I left him for an hour in the middle of the day. Then longer. Each time he's been extra careful to follow the rules. And each time there is a success, he and I get more confidence in his abilities to hold it together independently for a little bit longer.</p><p></p><p>Our kids have learnt to value themselves as they are, disability and all. The disability brings gifts also, which they are taught to value. For example, a kid with ADHD may have trouble settling to a task, but they also eventually learn to block out distractions and narrow their focus down so intensely that you can't distract them. difficult child 1 once said, "When I concentrate that hard, the silence in my head is deafening."</p><p>Their ability to problem-solve can be remarkable. They can make intuitive leaps which can cut through to the nub of a problem. Of course, untutored that same intuitive leap is also called impulsivity, but it has its advantages. Without people acting on impulse we wouldn't have people jumping in to rescue others.</p><p></p><p>A man was pushed onto train tracks in Sydney a few months ago. A train was coming and the louts on the platform wouldn't let the fallen man back up. Someone acting on impulse ran forward through the thugs, grabbed the man by the hand and hauled him up to safety. It startled the gang members long enough for them to not try it again on BOTH men - perhaps they'd wanted to scare their victim and really didn't care if he got hurt; but they weren't going to risk pushing him off again with the crowd that had gathered. by the way, they DID get caught and have been charged with attempted murder.</p><p>But I strongly suspect the rescuer had impulse control issues as a child.</p><p></p><p>Something else in my kids - they have the capacity to remember chunks of information, often quotes from various sources. And they use them to great effect. When difficult child 3 was being hassled by a bully, he just called to the kid over his shoulder, "I'm a bit busy right now, can I come back and ignore you later?"</p><p>difficult child 3 had got that line from a computer game, but he was able to remember it and use it appropriately in a social situation. It's not only having the information store in the brain, but having the quick retrieval ability, which DOES connect with impulse control. In this case, the impulse was happening randomly through the brain at lightning fast pace, until it snagged on passing remembered phrase, grabbed it and used it.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes they say stuff they shouldn't. I don't get angry because it's impulse control, but I DO correct and when they realise, they generally apologise without me having to ask them to.</p><p></p><p>And an apology given freely, unprompted, is the best value apology of all.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 62032, member: 1991"] With the kids possibly using a diagnosis as an excuse - it's never happened in our house. For us, the diagnosis was a reason, never an excuse. However - you are right in that we shouldn't punish the kids for what they can't control. If they really can't control certain actions, WE have to do t he controlling for them. And these are kids who LIKE to have their own control where possible. So they will cooperate in terms of not making it worse if they can help it, because learning to do better gives them back more control. Example - I wouldn't go out in the afternoon/evening for years, so I could be home to referee. The medications would be worn off, the kids also had the fallout of a long, tiring day to deal with, they were tired, hungry and needing to be moved through the evening routine - no way would I leave them with a sitter. Even now if I go out in the evening and leave the kids with husband, there's a higher chance of things going wrong. However, we're bearing fruit overall as the routine has done its job and it's easier to keep them moving. I've even left difficult child 3 on his own sometimes. At first I left him for an hour in the middle of the day. Then longer. Each time he's been extra careful to follow the rules. And each time there is a success, he and I get more confidence in his abilities to hold it together independently for a little bit longer. Our kids have learnt to value themselves as they are, disability and all. The disability brings gifts also, which they are taught to value. For example, a kid with ADHD may have trouble settling to a task, but they also eventually learn to block out distractions and narrow their focus down so intensely that you can't distract them. difficult child 1 once said, "When I concentrate that hard, the silence in my head is deafening." Their ability to problem-solve can be remarkable. They can make intuitive leaps which can cut through to the nub of a problem. Of course, untutored that same intuitive leap is also called impulsivity, but it has its advantages. Without people acting on impulse we wouldn't have people jumping in to rescue others. A man was pushed onto train tracks in Sydney a few months ago. A train was coming and the louts on the platform wouldn't let the fallen man back up. Someone acting on impulse ran forward through the thugs, grabbed the man by the hand and hauled him up to safety. It startled the gang members long enough for them to not try it again on BOTH men - perhaps they'd wanted to scare their victim and really didn't care if he got hurt; but they weren't going to risk pushing him off again with the crowd that had gathered. by the way, they DID get caught and have been charged with attempted murder. But I strongly suspect the rescuer had impulse control issues as a child. Something else in my kids - they have the capacity to remember chunks of information, often quotes from various sources. And they use them to great effect. When difficult child 3 was being hassled by a bully, he just called to the kid over his shoulder, "I'm a bit busy right now, can I come back and ignore you later?" difficult child 3 had got that line from a computer game, but he was able to remember it and use it appropriately in a social situation. It's not only having the information store in the brain, but having the quick retrieval ability, which DOES connect with impulse control. In this case, the impulse was happening randomly through the brain at lightning fast pace, until it snagged on passing remembered phrase, grabbed it and used it. Sometimes they say stuff they shouldn't. I don't get angry because it's impulse control, but I DO correct and when they realise, they generally apologise without me having to ask them to. And an apology given freely, unprompted, is the best value apology of all. Marg [/QUOTE]
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