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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 691801" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know I finished my second week of work and I really, really find it hard to be back in prison. I am very scared of being in that environment--I fear the staff. Let me tell you an example.</p><p></p><p>The bathrooms are locked, you can understand why. But I do not have a key. I have to ask somebody to let me in. The first day, I asked the wrong person, who happened to be in dental. Actually, I am filled with shame--because nobody was there that I recognized or in the hall, so I quietly tapped on an office door that I thought was in my department, the door right across from the bathroom.</p><p></p><p>Before I knocked I could see through the glass door that there were two women, one was standing talking to the other. I said something like <em>I am sorry to bother you but can you unlock the bathroom door for me</em> (which was 3 steps away).</p><p></p><p>She looks at me. With disbelief that immediately turned to scorn. Then she looks me up and down from my feet to my head. And just to make sure I felt sufficiently like a slimy worm she did it again.</p><p></p><p>Now, mind you she could have said <em>NO</em>. But she needed to make this a big big deal. So she says: <em>wait until I am finished.</em> I said <em>thank you</em> and closed the door to wait outside. And she proceeded with her conversation as I waited outside the door. She could see me waiting through the window.</p><p></p><p>I had waited about 5 minutes when eventually somebody came by who let me in the bathroom. It was not an emergency but I was completely humiliated and furious. You see there was a question of age involved. I was maybe 20 years older than this woman. (I do not know or care her status. She did not know mine.) I do not expect respect but I expect not to be degraded. I was.</p><p></p><p>So the next day one of my supervisors came to tell me that I was not allowed to ask anybody to let me into the bathroom except one of the supervisors or one of the clerks who worked down the hall. I listened quietly.</p><p></p><p>M said not to let anybody to belittle me, but I do not know how to respond to this kind of thing. I was made wrong both by the woman, and by my supervisor as well. While he did not make it a big deal through his tone that he spoke of this at all, made the issue a big deal.(I learned through somebody else that there is some kind of political situation going on between my department and dental. I had stepped into it unknowingly.)</p><p></p><p>The thing is I am a human being who seems to be allowing herself to go into a situation (work) which is hostile territory, by definition and by design. I know I am going there to work to earn money to replenish that which I used the past few years without working.</p><p></p><p>But I still do not know why I am doing this, what could be worth it. I can tell myself--OK COPA, define it the way you want. Tell yourself this is a training ground to be tougher or a way to beef yourself up after a hard, hard time. But in my heart I know it is abuse.</p><p></p><p>Clearly, this was not my monkey....</p><p></p><p>I have a sister that does what that lady did. Is it that? Is it a deep-seated (no pun intended) shame? The fact that it was about going to the bathroom, would anybody have reacted that way?</p><p></p><p>I cannot say anything to my supervisor because I will appear thin-skinned and as if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. After all, this is prison, and certain types of people work here. I should know by know. I do.</p><p></p><p>Any sense of a remedy for me? How to think about myself and what happened?</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 691801, member: 18958"] You know I finished my second week of work and I really, really find it hard to be back in prison. I am very scared of being in that environment--I fear the staff. Let me tell you an example. The bathrooms are locked, you can understand why. But I do not have a key. I have to ask somebody to let me in. The first day, I asked the wrong person, who happened to be in dental. Actually, I am filled with shame--because nobody was there that I recognized or in the hall, so I quietly tapped on an office door that I thought was in my department, the door right across from the bathroom. Before I knocked I could see through the glass door that there were two women, one was standing talking to the other. I said something like [I]I am sorry to bother you but can you unlock the bathroom door for me[/I] (which was 3 steps away). She looks at me. With disbelief that immediately turned to scorn. Then she looks me up and down from my feet to my head. And just to make sure I felt sufficiently like a slimy worm she did it again. Now, mind you she could have said [I]NO[/I]. But she needed to make this a big big deal. So she says: [I]wait until I am finished.[/I] I said [I]thank you[/I] and closed the door to wait outside. And she proceeded with her conversation as I waited outside the door. She could see me waiting through the window. I had waited about 5 minutes when eventually somebody came by who let me in the bathroom. It was not an emergency but I was completely humiliated and furious. You see there was a question of age involved. I was maybe 20 years older than this woman. (I do not know or care her status. She did not know mine.) I do not expect respect but I expect not to be degraded. I was. So the next day one of my supervisors came to tell me that I was not allowed to ask anybody to let me into the bathroom except one of the supervisors or one of the clerks who worked down the hall. I listened quietly. M said not to let anybody to belittle me, but I do not know how to respond to this kind of thing. I was made wrong both by the woman, and by my supervisor as well. While he did not make it a big deal through his tone that he spoke of this at all, made the issue a big deal.(I learned through somebody else that there is some kind of political situation going on between my department and dental. I had stepped into it unknowingly.) The thing is I am a human being who seems to be allowing herself to go into a situation (work) which is hostile territory, by definition and by design. I know I am going there to work to earn money to replenish that which I used the past few years without working. But I still do not know why I am doing this, what could be worth it. I can tell myself--OK COPA, define it the way you want. Tell yourself this is a training ground to be tougher or a way to beef yourself up after a hard, hard time. But in my heart I know it is abuse. Clearly, this was not my monkey.... I have a sister that does what that lady did. Is it that? Is it a deep-seated (no pun intended) shame? The fact that it was about going to the bathroom, would anybody have reacted that way? I cannot say anything to my supervisor because I will appear thin-skinned and as if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. After all, this is prison, and certain types of people work here. I should know by know. I do. Any sense of a remedy for me? How to think about myself and what happened? Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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