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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 691802" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>That's a crummy situation Copa, no matter where you are, but feels worse reading it knowing it took place in a prison, which is a different animal completely. It can be toxic and there are a number of folks who are attracted to that toxicity, certainly not you or Jabber, but you know what I mean.</p><p></p><p>Interesting about shame in this situation. I read a great book by Brene Brown, about shame and one thing that struck me was that folks have their own shame and a way to unload it is to "throw" it at another. Like a shame ball. So, I feel shame within and rather than feel it, I find someone willing to allow me to throw my shame at them, so then they have it, not me. (for a moment, until it builds again and you need someone else to throw it at.)</p><p></p><p>That's what your incident reminded me of. That woman shamed you. You caught her shame ball. She felt some momentary superiority and it felt good and you felt shame and collapsed in it.</p><p></p><p>When I saw that clearly, I saw that erupt in a couple of relationships I was in. One was a friend for 40 years. I observed for about a year and then I ended the relationship once it was clear to me that I was receiving "shame balls." I got out.</p><p></p><p>I am aware of that shame in myself and as I have slowly emerged from it, I'm able to see it in others and keep away from those people. I don't engage in their toxicity and as a result, I am not impacted the way that I used to be.</p><p></p><p>For me, it's another boundary issue. I was told that when one has strong healthy boundaries, it's like an unbroken fence around you, keeping you safe. If we've allowed others to break some slats in that fence, then we are vulnerable to others sneaking in those broken slats. Sometimes as kids, our boundaries are compromised, the slats broken. I believe once we repair those "slats" any toxicity can't get in. Boundaries repair those slats, at least for me.</p><p></p><p>If you're going to stay working in this environment, then you need to address these incidents from a different perspective, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." If you're going to stay, then in my belief system, there is a lesson in it for you, perhaps to recognize that woman's reaction to you was her problem and your response to her, is yours.</p><p></p><p>Or you can leave this job. Either way, make it a win for you. In your heart of hearts Copa, you know what the right thing is to do for your well being.......give yourself permission to do it.</p><p></p><p>Sending you warm wishes for peace and acceptance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 691802, member: 13542"] That's a crummy situation Copa, no matter where you are, but feels worse reading it knowing it took place in a prison, which is a different animal completely. It can be toxic and there are a number of folks who are attracted to that toxicity, certainly not you or Jabber, but you know what I mean. Interesting about shame in this situation. I read a great book by Brene Brown, about shame and one thing that struck me was that folks have their own shame and a way to unload it is to "throw" it at another. Like a shame ball. So, I feel shame within and rather than feel it, I find someone willing to allow me to throw my shame at them, so then they have it, not me. (for a moment, until it builds again and you need someone else to throw it at.) That's what your incident reminded me of. That woman shamed you. You caught her shame ball. She felt some momentary superiority and it felt good and you felt shame and collapsed in it. When I saw that clearly, I saw that erupt in a couple of relationships I was in. One was a friend for 40 years. I observed for about a year and then I ended the relationship once it was clear to me that I was receiving "shame balls." I got out. I am aware of that shame in myself and as I have slowly emerged from it, I'm able to see it in others and keep away from those people. I don't engage in their toxicity and as a result, I am not impacted the way that I used to be. For me, it's another boundary issue. I was told that when one has strong healthy boundaries, it's like an unbroken fence around you, keeping you safe. If we've allowed others to break some slats in that fence, then we are vulnerable to others sneaking in those broken slats. Sometimes as kids, our boundaries are compromised, the slats broken. I believe once we repair those "slats" any toxicity can't get in. Boundaries repair those slats, at least for me. If you're going to stay working in this environment, then you need to address these incidents from a different perspective, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." If you're going to stay, then in my belief system, there is a lesson in it for you, perhaps to recognize that woman's reaction to you was her problem and your response to her, is yours. Or you can leave this job. Either way, make it a win for you. In your heart of hearts Copa, you know what the right thing is to do for your well being.......give yourself permission to do it. Sending you warm wishes for peace and acceptance. [/QUOTE]
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