just a thought...am i crazy for feeling sorry for

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom23gsfg, Jan 2, 2008.

  1. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    am i crazy or what?for thinking this........sometimes when i go through the things that i do i cant help but feel sorry for my ex....not the man he is today but the child he once was.
    yes this man beat me on many occations, once hitting me so hard in the side of my head that i now have no hearing in that ear.....
    and he is no father to my children what so ever...strange i hate this man but at the same time .....
    but i knew this man when he was a boy and i cant help but to think of all the things i have went through with my children and to stop and think about how many similarities there are and feel great sorrow for him as a child.
    he had to watch his father beat his mother....he had very big anger issues.....his attitudes were like cutting a light switch on and off...his parents let him drink ...he was in juvi for various reasons starting at age 12 and later prison at the age of 16 (for stealing a vehicle and when the police got after him he sped and flipped the car back onto the police car so, they got him for attempt of capital murder on a police officer) ...and jail for various reasons later on
    part of my mind screams ...why in the world didnt anyone offer this child help?all the signs where there...
    i sometimes think that if someone had had the decency to take him out of that crazy violent home and gotten him some counseling and an evaluation maybe he wouldve turned out to be a better human being...a better parent for his own children...
    sometimes i think he was just another statistic that got lost in the system.......other times i wonder if he would have turned out the same way even with help...because
    and another part of me prays and hopes my children will not turn out like this even after all that i have done to try and prevent it....because sometimes it seems like nothing works
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You spent a lot of time with him, you invested a considerable part of your life with him, so it's understandable you would feel some empathy for him. Just don't let it trick you into making mistakes with him.

    Yes, he may well have benefited from being removed from such a violent home. But others have been in the same environment and not turned out to be violent.

    We are complex creatures. Many factors go into our makeup. At some level, choice comes into it. When you are an adult, you do have a lot more personal choice in how you live your life. Once he realised that certain aspects of his behaviour were unacceptable by modern social standards, he had a choice to get help.

    Do hold on to that thought as well. Guard yourself, do not let your empathy turn into guilt at any stage.

    Also be aware - there are difficult children on this site who are turning out to be violent, difficult despite the best efforts of parents to get them evaluated and supported. Sometimes despite all you can do, you still can't bridge the gap.

  3. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Marg has already said what I'm thinking only so much better than I could have said it. I'm sorry for all the horrible things your ex has put you through. It's the beginning of a new year. Take care of yourself and your children. Don't dwell on the past. WFEN
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think your sympathy is admirable and warranted. He may have had a better life if he had gotten help. No one will ever know. But you do know he wasn't given a chance, so sympathy and maybe even a little pity but definitely no guilt.

    There's no telling how someone will turn up. Some have horrific homelifes and succeed beyond their wildest dreams. Some have idyllic homelifes and become Ted Bundies. '

    All any of us can do is our best for our children. We can lead by example and do our best to install our values. Barring the teenage years when rebellion overtakes common sense and decency, we frequently "win" -- our kids become adults we are proud of. Sometimes, no matter what we have done, our kids find a path that causes us great hurt and even greater harm to themselves.

    Do the best you can. Hope for the best. Be prepared for anything. Accept they are individuals and have free will. We can only do so much.
  5. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I'm sorry for your situation. My first husban also beat me. He had a horrible upbringing. Now that he is dead (yes, karma exists)I am able to not be so angry at him. I felt sorry for him too, but that doesn't change the fact that he is a toxic person to you and I'm sure a host of others. Be strong Warrior mom! The more time you have away from him the more distance that you have from the situation you'll see that you can feel sorry for him, but feel sorrier for how he treated you. You are much stronger than you think, hang in there!!!!
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know Jessica I posted a little while ago about my Adopted Dad... How right before Thanksgiving he called me... long story. You can look in the archives and read my post if you want.
    Anyway this man Kicked me out of the house at 13, sent me to the hospital, sent me to live in a worse situation...

    I have forgiven him and I talk to him today. He has changed his stripes... he

    But even prior to him changing I had forgiving him, as a teen. I had escaped him and didn't have to suffer at his hand anymore... so what did I have to lose by forgiving him?
    It helped with my recovery. I didn't have to be his best friend. But by letting go of all of the BS, it did help me. We have since become friends.
    I don't think you should feel bad... I felt sorry for my Adopted dad also, he went through a lot. Not that it excused any of his actions, and I let him know that.
    Everyone deserves a chance, some just don't get one. They are forced to grow up too fast with no guidelines and expected to know what to do... and that is if they don't have issues on top of it!!!

    Just keep your guard up and don't invest too much of yourself or mind.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Jessica}}} It's okay for you to acknowledge the pain your exh was raised with and all that he suffered. I think it's a wonderful thing for you to feel empathy for his situation and others like him. I feel empathy for my exh as I know he was (is) a difficult child and his mother never did anything to help him...she was too wrapped up in her own survival to do so. So, I empathize with her as well.

    However, we/you also have to learn how to feel that empathy and continue on with our/your life. Like Marg said, don't let your empathy turn into guilt for moving on away from the toxicity of the relationship you had with him. Know what I mean??

    Sending some strong warrior mom hugs your way~
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's unfortunate that he had the upbringing he did. However, once he became an adult he became responsible for his behavior. He may have obstacles to overcome, but he also has choices. It may make one predisposed, but unless one is so ill that they do not know right from wrong, they can still choose. You may get to use it as an excuse one time. You don't get to use it to excuse a lifelong pattern of behavior.

    Honestly, I think it's worse when one comes from an abusive home and turns around abuses others. They *know* the fear and they choose to inflict it on another.

    Life is all about choices.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You know - When I read your post "Am i crazy?" I nearly split into two people. One part of me wants to go "Uh huh - that's just not a healthy attitude." and the other part of me is going "Yeah but you used to be just like that before I got myself therapy and stuck with it for years."

    Right now I bet you think -
    Oh If someone would have just taken him as a child and got him some help, if his parents wouldn't have done this or that, if they had loved him more, spanked and beat him less - and on and on - he'd be different!

    But you know what? He is, what he is. LOTS AND LOTS of people have grown up in more horrible conditions that he has - and risen above it. Found a way to live a decent life. Be a good person. We all have choices.

    The toughest therapy sessions I endured (fought against and disagreed with) were that my son could change if he wanted to. Because....we got him help. Because he didn't have an upbringing like his biomoron. Because he was smarter.....and you know what? Eleven years of therapy, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, elimination diets, 64 medications, hospitals, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, countless books, systems, charts, begging, pleading, crying - praying -

    He's still who he is - and he will be who he is going to be.

    You think - if your x had been "given" a chance to be different that he would have.I'm telling you it's possible, but doubtful. What I have spent a lot of years learning is that we are who we want to be. If he wanted to change - he would seek out resources to facilitate it. But he's comfortable being who he is. Right or wrong. Environment is part of life - genetics is another. And it may have made a difference for him to have the things you wished for him - but I look at my son and think - IF that were so - he'd be changed now. Changing isn't easy - but the person has to want to change - and then DO something about it themselves.

    What I do know - is that HAD I NOT gotten myself therapy and gotten my difficult child into therapy and done all that I have? YOU wouldn't want to know the person he would have become. I'm his Mom and I wouldn't have. And because of therapy for me? I'm a better person, I made better decisions in my life, I'm a better parent - BECAUSE I CAN SAY NO WITHOUT GUILT - All the love in the world hasn't changed my son tremendously.

    I don't feel sorry FOR my son - I DO feel sorry FOR the situations that caused him to think he needs to continue being like he is. I do not feel sorry for my x any longer. I don't pity his life, I don't wish him well, I do hope he finds God - I just don't really have too much of a thought where he is concerned other than - he hurt us, and almost killed us, and it left a lot of scars. You did a brave thing in leaving. Do a braver thing and either get or stay in therapy for yourself.

    Appreciate your x for who he is - because it's who he wants to be. People that aren't happy with themselves - make changes. To say that he didn't have those chances may be true, but to say he doesn't have those chances now is to believe he's not a very smart person. He's smart - he just chooses not to be the person that YOU think he should be.

    It's nothing against you - it's just who he is. Now that you're apart - YOU go have a life - YOU go live your dreams - YOU enjoy your children. You have a lot to live for -

  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It's one thing to feel compassion for someone as you go through the process of forgiving them- this is a good thing and what I hope you're going through. It's another to start feeling like they wouldn't be this way if they'd been rescued, I pity them, I'll rescue them. That's not healthy because you can't recuse him and when people do that, they are really trying to fulfill a need of their own. Even if it's true that maybe he could have turned out differently, the reality is that you can't go back in time and be that person, he's already turned out to be who he's going to be. I think it's good that you're also thinking about making sure your kids don't turn out that way, if you can help it. Maybe you can't prevent this from being their destiny either, but my point is, you can't control who "should" have been there for H, you can control what efforts and choices you make for your children and yourself now, so I'd concentrate on that.

    But, again, if you're just going through the process to reach forgiveness and peace, there's nothing wrong with compassion.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Ah Jessica. If that makes you crazy, then make room on the crazy train for one more.

    My DEX was never physically abusive, but he was a serial moron. He continues to be a serial moron. He has made 8 kids with 5 moms and has no job. He owes me close to $20,000 in child support and has the audacity to ask me to drive our daughter one way for visits. However, I know his childhood, and I know that he and one of his brothers were beaten regularly while his other 3 brothers were not. I know his father was a drunk and his mother let it happen. My heart hurts for his childhood and for the little boy in him that never healed.

    I have also forgiven him for the wrongs he has done to me. On the other side of that coin, I have made amends to him for any wrongs I did to him. The difference is, I go out of my way to do him right now, and I can't keep up with forgiving him because he keeps screwing up. He can't get through a phone call without some BS about something to cover his butt.

    My point is, I fell sorry for him sometimes, but I drew the line at rescuing him. Finally. He is responsible for everything he does anymore. I loved him with all my heart at one time, part of me always will, and it hurts me to see him struggle, but it is not my problem.

    So no, I don't think you are crazy. I think you are compassionate and human. Just don't be his savior.

  12. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    id like also to say I WOULD NEVER EVER get back with this man, we have been seperated for many years.
    its just that as watching my children go through what they have ...and with my son now in the hospital i cant help but to feel sorry for the child my ex once was....strange but i also feel sorry for the adult he has turned out to be because it took me a long time to admit i needed help myself
    i wasnt dignosed until about 6 yrs ago. after my last daughter was born....i experienced many symptoms over the course of my childhood and adulthood.....and noone cared or noticed i needed help...i was also afraid to ask for it...sad to say my one uncle that has schitzophrania was laughed at for years by the other children and even the adults in my family....so even at a young age i was afraid of asking for help...and later (i didnt really relize how stupid i was for thinking this at the time)i was afraid if i asked for help someone could take my children away from me if i had a mental illness and asked for help
    it took a dear friend to finally get me to seek help ,if it wasnt for him i relly dont think i would be here today.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Jessica, you had all those problems and you have turned into a person with compassion and determination to help and love her children. Yes, a friend helped you, but you had to be able to accept that help.

    Don't ever lose your sense of compassion and caring. But also, don't let it make you too vulnerable to being hurt again.

    In summary - you had a rough start and you turned out great. Life is very much what we make of it, once we're in the driving seat.