Just a thought: It is so much less busy now than it used to be here.

[Copabanana]

Hi Beam Me Up

I had not had a chance to welcome you. Welcome.

If you were to create a number of posts, each addressing one of these questions

I agree with Cedar.

Create what you need. The parents on the board have gone through exactly what you have, or something close.

Every single time you have a question or doubt or challenge, start a new thread with the specific issue. Posting itself helps because the process of forming the idea in your head to communicate it itself is actually healing. We dispel emotion and we create calm

It is not the answers, the content that make the difference it is the questions that you ask. The healing is in the questions. As posters respond, you will clarify your thinking and your behavior. Posting changes you. Not what you learn, what you create.

I would prioritize among these questions, what feels most urgent now, and as Cedar suggests, create threads, one by one. Maybe one or two a week. And as other problems come up, do the same. This way you will create yourself anew. This is what you are doing here as you deal with your daughter, really, I think.

How you deflate a situation when it starts to get out of hand. How you approached the subject of your child's disorder for the first time with family or neighbours. What do I say to my neighbours when they hear glass crashing an screaming coming from my house and ask if anyone got hurt?

I do not give ground and I glare back at her. Is this the right thing to do.

Finally, a conduct disorder diagnosis, really, is no diagnosis at all. It is a place holder. If you look at it, really, it is a cluster of behaviors. Difficult child behaviors. It is a provisional diagnosis really, until the real driver of the child's behavior manifests itself. Or, the driver could have been the uniqueness of the child and her way of driving through to maturity.

I am afraid that if my Difficult Child is diagnosed with a real conduct disorder, then her future is likely to be very bleak and there seems to be little I can do.

Many if not the majority of our children are working, stop drugs, get married, have children, go to college. It turns out, for many, to have been their way of working through who they are and getting to the next phase.

The important thing here is you. That you are supported and your needs are met and that you understand what you need and validate yourself. Doing the best you can as a parent is important. Yes. Do not leave yourself behind.

If you stay here, whether or not this board is the best one, you will find support for you, and for your child.

Take care. Keep posting.

 

[Nomad]

PS Remember how posters would relate a situation/experience and how they handled it and how it worked well for them and then they would add: Y M M B D or something like that. Does anyone remember what the expression was? It took me forever to figure out what that meant! (Your mileage may be different ???)

 

[New Leaf]

(Your mileage may be different ???)

leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

(Your mileage may be different ???)

Would be neat to get an emoticon with this saying... I really like it!

 

[Copabanana]

My daughter did meth. But she was not a problem as a young child. I believe my own bad parenting choices contributed to it.

SWOT. Nobody knows the future. A move to another state was made in good faith. It is equally true that the move could have made her more resilient.

My mother and step-father when I was 13 moved us to a new city away from the neighborhood of my birth that I loved as much as I loved anything in the world. With this I became depressed and for the first time felt marginal and without a place in the world to stand. There were not drugs then, available to teens, but I doubt I would have taken them. There was alcohol and I chose not to drink.

The child has a range of choices available to them, and they choose. That a child has a limiting characteristic, like shyness or sensitivity or emotionality, that may be concerning is not a reason to not live life in a regular way.

Until I read this post I held resentment at my mother for prioritizing her own needs and disregarding my own, as a child. Reading this post I have changed my mind--at least about this move.

That move, after all is said and done, was the driver most responsible for defining my life for the good. I learned that environments will change. Must. They cannot be depended upon. That it is us, who define ourselves and make what we have. The school I went to was in what would become Silicon Valley. I was surrounded by children whose lives were enriched and whose parents were brilliant, and demanded high achievement of them.

I learned to do so of myself. Had I not moved, this would not have been the case. I would have married early and foreclosed my own aspirations, which have defined me. Defined my life.

Life is a challenge. Your daughter learned that early. Had you shielded her, it might not have been the best choice at all.

Of course I do not know the particulars, and as they say on the radio, the rest of the story. I am writing here for a general audience of parents who may take on themselves self-blame for naught. Real life requires choices. Changes. That our children respond with distress, while distressing, is the nature of the beast. Of life. They are no more hothouse plants than are we. A limb may die, but they grow more roots, and they grow new stronger limbs and flower and fruit. Or not. But this is life.

There is no other one.

 

[Nomad]

I think I remember...it was YMMV. Your mileage may vary! A logo/icon would be great for this.

Copa and others..have you seen the movie "Inside Out?" The kids movie? It is freakin fantastic! About a young girl whose parents relocate due to a job move. FANTASTIC!

 

[Copabanana]

"Inside Out?" The kids movie?

No, Nomad. I will look for it.

What is it about the movie that brought it to your mind, in relation to this thread?

 

[Nomad]

I know the thread didn't start this way, but... Some discussion just now second guessing moving and some discussion about the difficulties of moving a young child from their home.

I'm a bit distracted...but did see this.

Anyway, in the movie, the young girl faces depression and loneliness because her parents relocated to another state. The movie addresses all our emotions like anger, joy, sorrow and so forth. I don't recall all the details. But, the young girl must face all her emotions and process all that is going on...it is very painful for her. A touching, excellent movie.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/inside_out_2015/

 

[Copabanana]

I want to comment here on this thread about a challenge posed by this forum, indeed, any public space where free and open speech is encouraged.

The value in such a space is the openness of ideas and discourse. Think of a free press. And think about this current presidential campaign and all of the hurtfulness and degradation that has been manifested.

So much pain. So much blame. How much responsibility is taken?

We are different here, I think. We are not here together to achieve or to win anything, to build a career. We are here, our primary purpose, is to be better people, better parents. And to support each other to do so. And we do this.

Somehow the magic of this forum is that it can foster openness, honesty, caring, support, relationship, better coping and responding, learning and responsibility--all at the same time. By dialog.

By openness and by monitoring. The monitoring we do on so many levels. We do. Only as a last resort do the mods step in. We do it ourselves. We are doing it.

This thread has been a wonderful effort towards self-reflection, questioning, brainstorming about process, direction, priorities, so much so that I think a minute needs to be taken to celebrate the brilliant success of this forum. And nowhere can that success be better illustrated than by this thread.

There is no one on this board who has invested more honesty, courage, love, commitment, hope, knowledge and support, than has SWOT who from that spirit, began this thread.

I want to acknowledge you, SWOT, for all of this and more. It takes true guts to open things up, to ask the hard questions and to listen to the responses. And go from there. You always do.

 

[Copabanana]

But, the young girl must face all her emotions and process all that is going on...it is very painful for her.

Kind of like this thread.

 

[New Leaf]

I couldn't agree more, Copa. Thank you SWOT.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Marcie Mac]

I have been a member since 1999 and do read the boards almost every day and so miss the camaraderie of the board back in the day. Coming up on 66, I can't remember what I did an hour ago, BUT can remember when SLSH's son tore all the heads off her flowers, Fran's sons first girlfriend and his new shoes, Pico's memorable quotes, Suz's son stealing the company van, Rita's terrifying night with an out of control son on drugs, Martie's Mr. No. And I cannot listen to the Ronette's Da Do Run Run without thinking of Janet and Ant to this very day . I think at the time how odd it was that the universe arranged to put all of us, the ones who had the most devastating sarcastic sense of humor, in one place. I thank these ladies for saving me from total despair. There were dark times, no doubt, but the comedy and laughter over our plights made it much more bearable. Jerry's help dealing with school issues, and the one forum for the Juvenile Justice (I cannot remember her name) was such an invaluable help as Danny was around 13 or 14 at the time I joined and I had to be able to quickly navigate the legal system, and school system as well. It was such a close group - some of us even taking someone else's "gift" to live with us for a time (like we didn't have enough going on at home and at the time had SO's Gift neice staying with us) and of COURSE I landed with one who's mother, someone who was seemingly sane and ordinary on the board, turned out to be a total wack job of unmitigated proportion.

Maybe because I was/am a Gift, maybe because all of our kiddo's were the same age we grew close and still talk on a private FB page. Now it seems everyone is so easy child and there is absolutely no laughter or lightness on the board, and there is no "finding it comic" when one of the kids does something stupid. I remember a while ago, Suz commented on it, and did a post about changing sheets on a bed and in short order it turned to dead serious. And because I have a sarcastic sense of humor, rarely post anymore as I have to keep it in check lest I get flamed from one or two posters

I have to thank those ladies, and if I forgot a name or two - sorry. You have helped me help Cheech and your sense of humor helped me thru some many dark days.

Marcie

 

[Nomad]

I can't say there is absolutely "no" lightness on the board, Marcie, but I do see your point. I recall Star was soooo funny. And who was the lady that loved "sporks?" Certainly, humor is a balm. More of that is welcome!!

PS YMMV

 

[GoingNorth]

Abby was the lady who loved sporks. She is around on Facebook occasionally. She's been battling some tough health issues, but is still hanging in there.

 

[slsh]

Ahhhhh Marcie - I just love you to death!!!! And you forgot to mention Cheech's envisioned enlistment in the Navy, complete with condo in San Diego with killer views of the water. Or his first tat. I think the fact that we can chuckle over those days is really something pretty darn special. (And I have the same problem with Da Do Run Run Run!!)

Dark sarcastic humor was essential back in those days. Still is, in my opinion, which is perhaps why I don't post as much. Maybe it was just one of those rare perfect moments in time where the stars aligned and we found each other while our kids were still young and we were most in need. Maybe it's a generational thing. I don't know.

And on a more serious note, there were important things I learned from Suz and Janet and Marcie and all the other folks who had kids a couple years older.

Beam - I would strongly recommend *NOT* reading PE forum just yet. I didn't until my kid hit 17, though I got here when he was 7. I remember reading Fran's signature when I arrived - her kid had been in an emotional growth boarding school for 18 months, and I thought no *way* could I survive that. Joke was on me - my kid was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 9 years. Nine. Unthinkable. We all survived though.

Nothing is written in stone, ever. Whether your kid is 14 or 19 or 25. Growth is possible. If you had asked me when my challenging kid was 18 what I thought the outcome was going to be, I would've told you without hesitation that he would be dead by 20, via OD. But where there's life, there's hope. He's 25 now, an EMT, really a wonderful man and I take great pride in him. My biggest gripe is that he overloads my clothes washer! We dealt with significant violence, bruises, bites, broken windows/furniture/lamps, broken bones (an adult's, not his), child service investigations, the whole 9 yards. When we bought our home, my "decor" requirements were simple - whatever came into the home could not be used as a weapon - hence no pictures, no ceramic lamps, only plastic cups, etc. It's a good minimalist look. But.... it's done and over, and I don't dwell on it a whole lot because he is functional, and *that* is the goal.

I think our challenging kids just take longer to cook, and chances are good they're not going to follow a direct path to becoming functional adults. But worrying about what she will look like in 4 or 8 years is a fruitless exercise that will only make you crazy. There is simply no telling when things will click. You have to deal with what you've got today, keep pointing her in the right direction, and hope that eventually she will figure it out (with, or in spite of, you - I'm still not sure which).

 

[BusynMember]

Marcie, wow, I so remember and agree. It is different now. We liked and trusted each other enough to send Christmas cards. We had a meet up every other year. Many became personal friends.

Now I dont feel the same closeness. And I do think, maybe because there are so much less people, dominate the one board that still has some traffic. I am one, I have to admit.

I do miss the good old days here. It was like a family and I really needed it at certain times. And the turnover was not great.

But.......time marches on. I think the social media and different types of forums have grabbed our young parents. And this board does not resemble Frans board, through nobody's
fault. The internet support boards have changed a lot. A real lot. And we cant change that.

 

[Nomad]

I think that social media is much at play here. The fact that another site I go to had an extremely similar discussion is something I personally think is of interest. It is a health related site.

However, also to consider that may help increase our numbers are the wonderful things mentioned or alluded to: the need for self monitoring (kindness, avoiding of judgmental posts/comments), lightness / humor as appropriate, patience, acceptance, camaraderie.

 

[Wiped Out]

Beam-I completely agree about not reading the PE forum yet. When I found this wonderful place in the middle of the night in 2004 my difficult child was only 6 years old and I was at my wit's end! I am so glad I never read the PE forum when he was that young. My son was so difficult and violent. The violence at times was everyday. That's when I was calling his psychiatrist every day. He went through 6 hospitalizations and trialed through so many medications. He did therapy twice a week for years even though at times I felt it wasn't helping in the least. I always felt he was going to end up in jail from hurting someone.

Now, he is 18 and I rarely have a reason to post about him anymore. He is doing wonderfully, hasn't been hospitalized since 7th grade. He is still difficult and always will be but his progress has been nothing short of amazing. I credit this place for my survival.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you all. Got so from this thread, including great memories. I do wish wed have more humor in our posts today. And that we felt closer. I miss those christmas cards that I hung all over my house. I miss the pictures I received of some members and their kids. I hung those up too. Never once did giving my name and address in private to a trusted member ever lead to crime or even a nasty phone call. I wasnt afraid of anyone and my trust was rewarded.

I will always miss the parents of younger kids.

I am not sure why I sm still here. I dont have big problems with my kids. That is over. I used to wake up and with my first cuppa I read here and posted and even if we had personal life problems we posted that on the watercooler and our friends were always there.

It is not and won't be the same yet I keep posting hoping I can still help from what I once went through and always hoping to get a piece of that old family feeling back.

Eventually I will probably drift away too. I have some time now since my accident, but I am trying to fill up my days even if I volunteer each day rather than work. That always cuts down my board time.

For now I havent sorted out my schedule quite yet so im still one of the last of a group who is still here. And since im not going through much, not sure I am even helpful anymore.

I am grateful for everyone here and who was ever here for me. Always will be. But I wish it was not so much just a place for adult children and...I wish, I wish. Wishes are like bubbles. They are here, then burst or float away.

Thanks again for this amazing thread.

 

[Confused]

Well, I wasnt going to come back on, and I might not stay either. I do think all of you are right in some ways but here's my opinion for what its worth.

1) I think having different aged kids, yes incl adult kids, our own life, pets, foods , whatever threads are actually all needed here. Why? Because they ALL have to do with life, how it all started, what same or different things we went through, how we all handled it, stress of then and now. How it affects parenting etc...Worries about the future. We dont have to read the other topics if we aren't ready, and those topics aren't saying that's definitely going to happen to all of our kids or us. But it is something to look at and having seen some of what the P.E. is going through, it really makes me want to go even more full speed for my younger ones as well as other kids in need. Believe it or not, maybe we can help in some ways as you do us!


2) For me, I regret coming on here , I over spoke, regret at least half of my posts and it kicks me ( just wait untill more of my fam reads it) down daily to know that Im all over the web with my family info. It was wrong. See I know the rules of not saying too much but when we are in that moment ( like our kids ) thats it, "we have said too much" as that song states losing my religion..Even some reviews on items I found on the web and I was all "....I wish we could edit....or have or responses/questions frozen for a few days so we can relax, come back and re-read it before posting. I don't know..( yes we can edit right away like I am now- just not later on is what I meant)



3) That all being said, this forum has helped my family and I, and I do greatly appreciate it and care for all of you.