Just a Vent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Momslittleangels, Oct 1, 2009.

  1. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    First, let me say that I LOVE being a Grandma. I really do......But for those of you who might have your adult children living at home with THEIR children, do you ever feel taken advantage of??? W are supporting easy child, her husband and their daughter, because easy child is finishing Nursing school and her husband's salary does not pay enough for them to live on their own. That's fine, I have no problem helping easy child until she finishes in 10 months. But, sometimes, I feel like as long as I am in the room, "I" should take care of my granddaughter.

    Tonight, easy child's husband had to work a double shift and she had to study, so I walk in from work and immediately I am "asked", if you want to call it that, to watch my granddaughter, so easy child can study. Ok, I can help for a bit, but I haven't even wound down from work myself.

    A little while later, easy child decides to go to the store to take back some stuff and gets all bent out of shape when I "suggest" that she take her daughter with her (she is 16 months by the way). She gets all irritated and said that she had to take her somewhere earlier in the day. And I'm like, "so what", take her again......Grandma needs some down time too.

    I just don't get it......I feel like I am "needed" when they need to run errands, but God forbid I say or do something when I am watching her and then I am "interferring". Argh! I love this little girl like she was my own, but sometimes I feel so taken advantage of......

    Just had to vent.....
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Yep, that's because they take advantage!!! My grandddaughters are 2, 3, and 6 years old. They have lived with me since the day they were born. I told mine if she gets pregnant again, she's on her own. I love them all, but she expects the burden to be mine. I can't do it again. You would think they would be grateful that we support them in a financial manner if they can't/won't but it seems they don't get that. vent away, I understand with my very being. I love them to pieces, but it gets really hard to take.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    One of the many reasons Nichole got her move out deadline.

    I love Aubrey with all my heart. And I truly enjoy spending time with her. But Nichole has this nasty habit of when she's here she just lets Aubrey have at it......doesn't watch her worth a hoot. She's 3, she gets into things ect. You've still got to watch them at 3. Or I'd be trying to study and she'd be all over me trying to write on my books ect......to the point where I'd want to scream. Yes, it was cute. Yes, she wanted to spend time with Nana. But Nana needed to study and did not have time to spend with her.

    I do have to give Nichole credit......If I corrected Aubrey she never said anything. But then I didn't do it often......usually I had Mom do it. I'm Nana, I'm not supposed to have to be the bad guy anymore.

    I think, heck I'm pretty darn sure, Nichole's parenting was more relaxed here simply because she had another Mom's eyes on her child. And Nana or not......yeah, I kept a close eye on her.

    I didn't watch Aubrey much if Nichole wanted to go places. I took my kids with me, she could do the same. That's life. So if she really didn't want to take her with her........she'd wait until Aubrey was asleep for the night, so even though I was technically watching her, there was no work in it for me. And even that wasn't often.

    Now husband and I stayed with his parents on several occasions when our kids were young. Never did mother in law have to watch the kids. Never did she have to worry about them getting into things ect, or clean up after them.... Nor would I have done it to my Mom.

    But I do think when grown kids are still at home with their kids, or come back with their kids.......it can be easy for them to become relaxed in their responsibility. And it can drive the grandparents crazy at times. I know it did me.

    I can understand daughter asking you to watch the baby while she studied. Reasonable. I'm also a nursing student, the load is hard......and I can't imagine with a little one to chase and care for. But the store was over the top. You do deserve your down time too. And YOUR down time should come first. Your grandma, not Mom.

  4. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Thank goodness - - others who understand.....

    I think the one thing that gets to me the most is running errands. Believe me, it is so much easier to do these things without a toddler in tow, but this kid needs to get out of the house sometimes. husband is babysitting her 3 days a week, as he lost his job 8 months ago and hasn't found another one, so that saves on daycare...and I watch her one day a week (taking my vacation days), and then the other day easy child is off school, but she needs to catch up on homework and study, so husband tends to help on that day too. So, if she needs to run an errand or two on her "day off", take granddaughter with you, ya know? It is good for them to have time together, but it is still viewed as a hassle.

    Thank you Lisa and Lori for your support. This little girl is so special, and when the day comes that they move out, I am going to be devastated, as I am super attached to her. But I'm sure we will all adjust, boo hoo.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh heavens, you have every right to have some down time when you get home from work, let alone any other time you want it. What a nice person you are to have extended yourself and your home like you have, MLA.

    Not only does Mom need to take her daughter with her to give you and husband a break, but your granddaughter also needs the experience of being in different places, doing different things with different social interactions.

  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I agree completely. You raised your children; you work; your 'down time' and any other time you need come first. You aren't the Mom here. Taking children on errands is less convenient but can be done ... I took four children with me everywhere, as husband was working incessantly and I had no family support at any time ... taking just one would have been a vacation! :)

    You are being more than generous in helping out your daughter and her family - don't feel guilty about setting some boundaries. Better to set them now than to be taken for granted on a permanent basis when daughter finishes and finds full-time work as a nurse.
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I agree with- the others who mentioned the setting of boundaries and nixing the guilt asap!

    It is wonderful that you are helping out and doing so for a very worthwhile cause.

    However, boundaries are imperative and this goes double time when dealing with adult children.

    There is a good book about boundaries...author's last name is Cloud.

    I hope you can let your daughter know that certain times, like after work, will need to be "your" time with-o family responsibilities. Call it as you need it.]

    What good does it do your daughter, grandkids, husband, your work situation....if grandmother is exhausted....starting to get grouchy or worse...starting to get ill?

    Wishing you peace, quiet and happiness.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For Keyana's almost first year of life she was mostly here for a good portion. We got to play grandparents for the most part. Sometimes we did the whole thing when we had her full-time when momma went home and Cory was in jail for a week or something or say we took her up to Jamie's on a vacation. And of course, we do get our weekends now. This weekend she wouldnt even leave us to go stay with her daddy...lol. She missed us when we went to see the new baby being born...lmao.
  9. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Thank you all so much for the support - - it is greatly appreciated. I think much of the problem is "ME".....I am my own worst enemy sometimes. For example, this past weekend, we had to attend a wedding for my cousin. difficult child and her family, easy child and her family and husband and I went. Well, since the wedding ended early, everyone was heading up to the local casino for some fun, but "I" had already volunteered to keep easy child's daughter overnight in "our" room, so THEY could have a peaceful, uninterrupted night for themselves, since my granddaughter gets up a lot during the night. Even at the wedding, I found myself taking care of the grandkids here and there, because they were fussy. My husband keeps trying to drill it into my head that these are "their" kids and to let "them" deal with it. But when they start complaining and getting stressed out, then I get stressed out, and just take the baby myself, as I am calmer and then the baby gets calmer. I remember being so uptight when I had kids young too, and the baby can feel that, so they come to me for relaxed attention, if that makes sense.

    So I created some of this myself. When raising our kids, I had zero family support, so I am trying to give them "breaks", because I know how it can be.....but in the process, I am taking on too much, so I need to step back. I just hate having people mad at me, so I try to please them all........which you can't always do and it's not good for them anyway.

    Well, thanks again ladies and I will look up the books on detachment and try to change my ways. It will be easier when they don't live in the same house.