I'm frustrated..........sometimes I'm at a low boil.......sometimes I just want to hide away. This is in between the lost / confused state that doesn't seem to want to lift. Which produces the frustrated low boil state again.....so it's becoming a spin your wheels type thing. It's not like I've never lived alone as a single woman before. I could change a tire, change my oil, top off my fluids, pump my gas......never bat an eye. Some of it I didn't like, but I could still do it. I could handle a house, pay bills ect. No sweat. Now? Bank machines stump me. Gas pumps confuse me.....although I did manage with Travis' help to get it pumped last time and filled the tank. I can barely manage the credit card things in a check out counter, while holding my breath it all goes well every time. easy child's husband just showed me how to remove my cruddy windshield wiper and talked me through putting the new one on. I come home.......the one husband bought and said was for my car couldn't have been...it's huge compared to the one I just took off and the mechanism is no where near the same. I did still try to see if I could put it on........uh no. Granted I was working in the dark too which wasn't helping. I think husband just told me it was for mine so I'd stop nagging him to buy me a new one. This I've never done before.....so I don't expect to just know how to do it at least. I've got to change the furnace filter. Which means I've got to overcome my fear of basements and go down into mine for the first time in 8 yrs. I've never stepped foot in the basement of this house. I've never seen the furnace. No clue what size to buy or how to put it in. Last time I did a furnace filter was 25 yrs ago. But I *think* this job I can handle. I can read what I need to buy on the old filter and take note of how it was put in when I remove it. It's these endless things that husband used to do, none of them huge by any means, that I took for granted that I not only have to try to remember to do......but many of them I have to figure out how to do them. Makes me want to scream fairly often because much of it isn't hard, and much of my issue is my stupid brain not my intelligence, which peeves me off. (and it does make me feel stupid even though I know I'm not) I can't stand feeling helpless, it makes me furious. It also seems to make me withdraw into my little cave. So it makes the whole I don't want to leave the house or talk on the phone thing even worse and right now that is at least as bad as it was post accident 8 yrs ago, if not worse. I'm so mad at husband right this minute he's probably very lucky to be on the other side where I can't reach him to throttle him senseless or strangle him. I've got gutters to clean out. I've got a patio that is a disaster and a back yard that looks like a jungle of weeds, which many are taller than I am. And I still have the family room and master bedroom and attic to tackle inside. And folks, I might know how to mow a lawn but thanks to that accident I can't pull the darn pull cord to get the engine started up on a mower. Not with either arm. Travis can't see to mow or use a weed eater. He up and left me with so much SH*T to clean up it's unreal. Not to mention I really don't know where anything is located. I've got to hunt down our winter clothes this weekend.....guess where they're stored? Attic or family room. omg husband was the king of the procrastinators and I feel like I got left holding the bag on absolutely everything. He was my safety net for this stupid d*mn Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), and that safety net is gone. So I'm stuck trying to deal with all the weird little annoying ways my brain trips me up on some of what should be the easiest tasks........and get to deal with strange reactions from people who will never really get it unless they themselves have the joy of a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). My stupid brain doesn't trip me up every time. Sometimes it does just fine, then poof nothing. And of course stress just makes it 100 times worse, so much of the time I'm dealing with mush when I could really use my brain. I begged husband to do the yard with me all spring and most of the summer.......begged about the gutters, drove him nuts over the family room, attic, and master bedroom. I'd been asking him to change my windshield wiper blades for more than a year for god's sake, the exhaust on the car?.......oh about 2 yrs. My tires? I've had the car 8 yrs, tires were ok (not great) when I bought it. I need to go get tires.........no clue how to even do that. OMG! I hate this! I just want to quit, but of course I can't quit. I'm never the one who gets to quit. I'm always the one who has to figure it out and fix it. I'm always the one who has to keep on surviving. I have to do this. I have to get to the point where gas pumps and bank machines don't cause a major anxiety attack because I never know when my brain will decide to have a DUH moment and hope that once it becomes routine the duh moments will be rare and not last long enough to make me look like a complete moron. I have to get to the point where paying bills becomes so routine that I don't forget to pay the darn things. And I'm going to have to figure out how to cope with this home maintenance thing with two cr*ppy shoulders. And no I can't afford to pay someone to do yard work so that's totally out. And yeah I've got great kids. But those kids have their own lives to live and can't come hold Mommy's hand over every little thing, and personally I'd want to shoot myself if it had to be that way. ARGH! (insert a long stream of exceptional curse words) And while I'm venting......... I HATE anxiety!!! I had a extremely mild form before the accident, since the accident.......well right after it was totally out of control, then I had a tight rein on it for a while, now......it's out of control again. Forcing myself to do stuff does not stop the overwhelming anxiety, it's just frigging exhausting. And then I get furious because I feel vulnerable and I simply can't tolerate feeling vulnerable. If I can't be independent, that makes me vulnerable. Know what I mean?? I will get through this because I have no choice. I'll learn what I've got to learn because I have no choice. I'll do the best I can because I just don't have a choice. And evidently I'll be furious and overwhelmed with anxiety until I do because husband was only 63 yrs old and should be here with me doing this stuff with me instead of me having to relearn to do it on my own! It's pretty safe to say the "shock" has worn off. It's an interesting thing to have grief double you over while you're furious with the person your grieving. Pity party / vent over. Not sure I feel better...... But it was good to cut loose and vent off what I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. Maybe it's a good thing I keep *forgetting* to pick up booze.