Just because SA is my family...my roots

[DDD]

I have to share that I am really doing everything "right". In my heart, however, I am having a darn hard time playacting that I am genuinely happy that easy child/difficult child has a SO. Without exaggeration, lol, I am praying that I can keep my gut feelings to myself. I won't list my discomforts. I do thank God that he is alive and he is no longer drinking etc. on the other hand (yeah, trying to make light of the differences) I majored in English at the University and if I hear "ain't" one time at the Thanksgiving dinner table I'm afraid I won't be able to keep a straight face. Maybe I am WAY superficial? Too bad..soo sad. Wish me luck. Help me to be happy that he is happy. I am repeating the Serenity Prayer because honestly I am so completely happy that he is alive and functional. I am so happy that he always makes contact every day to say he loves me or to see his Grandad and give him a hug and a kiss on the head. I'm trying. Geez Louise. I never expected it would be so hard.

Example: (Excuse me God for being judgemental.) SO had her "tubes tied after the birth of her third child. This week, when the three of us were together, she commented on "being late". easy child/difficult child who has always wanted to be a great Dad but "knew" she couldn't produce a baby laughingly referred to the fact that he must have "super sperm". SO commented on her craving for garlic bread. I said zip. Then...lol...I said "if there is any chance you may be expecting you guys need to avoid ALL substances
so health won't be a concern." ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THIS??? Suddenly it dawned on me that she had her period when husband had his 80th birthday weekend. SO I said "gee it doesn't seem like it was that long ago that you had your period". She responded "I'm not sure when." I said "Wasn't it when Grandad had his birthday?" "Oh yeah, you're right." TA DA...his birthday was 10/12. Good Grief. NO you don't gain weight and crave garlic bread four weeks after you have had your period.

She is 34 and has three children. My baby is 25.
Lord, give me strength. DDD

 

[AmericanGirl]

DDD, I am grateful for your good memory. Even more grateful she isn't pregnant.

This statement should be our board motto --- <<Geez Louise. I never expected it would be so hard.>>

 

[Tiredof33]

Hubby went to the store and when he came home he said they were busy. In line he stood behind 2 women talking and he said they were loud and he didn't understand half of what they were saying lol!!! I told him I grew up here and still have a hard time understanding some of them.

We hear so many 'rye cheer' for right here, 'ain't' is a biggy, and they have 'car porches'. A guy at one of our fast foods ordered a 'pig sandwich with maters'.

DDD I always said I would never meddle in my children's choices for partners (if they were adults) but this one is a different story. She is very controlling and jealous of his family and friends. He has pulled some stunts in the past year that have made me not very happy, but he is still my son. However, she is not, and never will be a guest in my home. She is 38 and is still extremely immature. He called the police when she came after him with a knife and she went to detox. difficult child told me her cousin said she was going to kill him after she got out. Well they are back together, difficult child has lied about it, but I know the truth.

Maybe the fact that she is so much older and (sounds like) will not have any more children will make your grandson rethink their relationship.

(((huggs)))

 

[DDD]

LOL, AG. I think you've got something there. DDD

 

[buddy]

Good thought AG!

 

[DammitJanet]

DDD, you could most possibly be thinking what my dad thought the first time I brought Tony home...other than the fact there wasnt an age difference. Im sure he thought, omg, I raised my daughter in private schools the first 6 years of her life, I provided the best of the best I could, I worked my fingers to the bone, and she comes home with a country bumpkin! Son of a biscuit eater! LOL.

Well, going on 30 years later, me and that country bumpkin are still here. I was raised in upper middle class where I didnt want for anything materialistic and Tony didnt even have running water for most of his life. Somewhere along the way my dad learned to respect Tony because he did his level best to love me and our boys. No things were never perfect and we wanted for things most of our lives. Im very sure it hurt my dad to watch his only child suffer through hard times. I do know that on his death bed he told Tony that he was so glad that he had ended up with him as a son in law. He was proud of him for staying with me and he would leave this earth knowing I was in good hands.

Tony does talk like you say this girl talks. He says aint. He has a very southern accent. Ask anyone here who has met him. However you dont know how you will feel about this girl in a few years. You may not trust or much like her now but in a few years she may grow on you. It took my dad at least 5 or more years before he started to trust that Tony was going to stick around. Only then did he start to let the ice thaw.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi DDD,

Could it be that SO wants to dig her heels in, so to speak. Maybe she's trying to really get her foot in the door with easy child/difficult child now that he is getting his own house. ??? The "idea" that she might be pregnant could incline easy child/difficult child to be all the more attached to her...I don't know, just guessing.

LOL on the language. Ya, my daughter in law does not have the most educated way of speaking either...and I DO correct her, lol.

I'm glad you can find so many things to be grateful for today...that's important. Especially nice around Thanksgiving.

Love to you DDD. I don't think you're "superficial" you just want the VERY BEST for your easy child/difficult child...you always have!
LMS

 

[DDD]

LMS...you are spot on. They have known each other for nine months and everything (lol I am not exaggerating) is "our car" "our furniture" and "our new house". Last week she excused herself to go to the bathroom after I reminded them both that the SS Disability guy stressed that easy child/difficult child could not be married and still receive his benefits. Evidently it made her cry to think that "they" couldn't be married and just would have to "live together like skanks". OMG! She has a child who is in high school, a child in middle school and a child in elementary school and she has never been married. Lived with one guy for eleven years. Curious perspective.

OTH she seems to make him happy, he's not skirt chasing, they are not boozing. If they skipped the "little bit of weed" I bet I could ignore the "aint's. I'm trying to get the attorney to include a phrase that makes it impossible for him to add anyone to the house title so long as he has the private first mortgage from his Aunt. Ten years from now I am NOT going to peek down from the clouds to see if he's making poor choices. Really..I am NOT! DDD

 

[susiestar]

I think you NEED that clause in the private mortgage. BIG TIME NEED. I don't know this woman or if she loves him, but this is a major purchase and with-o something like this he could end up homeless in a year or two because they broke up and she forced a sale of the home. I would probably say this with ANY new relationship. Heck, I said it when my bro got married to a woman who was preg with his child.

As for ain't, I totally understand your point of view. As for the "late" bit, who discussed their period with the parents or grandparents of their SO/spouse? There is NO WAY I would even now discuss my period with my inlaws! The only time I ever really discussed it with my dad even was when we realized I needed a hysterectomy. Who does this???? WHY would she discuss that wtih you??? I find that vastly more disturbing than a southern accent or "ain't".

I have to say that the word 'ain't' never fails to bring to mind something we heard in elem school: Ain't ain't a word because it ain't in the dictionary. Sr. Alberta made the whole class write this fifty times in second grade. Sr. Mary Paul made a couple of classmates write it two hundred times in sixth grade too.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It sure looks to me like she "ain't" so stupid, DDD!

 

[Signorina]

I have to share that I am really doing everything "right". In my heart, however, I am having a darn hard time playacting that I am genuinely happy that easy child/difficult child has a SO. Without exaggeration, lol, I am praying that I can keep my gut feelings to myself. I won't list my discomforts. I do thank God that he is alive and he is no longer drinking etc. on the other hand (yeah, trying to make light of the differences) I majored in English at the University and if I hear "ain't" one time at the Thanksgiving dinner table I'm afraid I won't be able to keep a straight face. Maybe I am WAY superficial? Too bad..soo sad. Wish me luck. Help me to be happy that he is happy. I am repeating the Serenity Prayer because honestly I am so completely happy that he is alive and functional. I am so happy that he always makes contact every day to say he loves me or to see his Grandad and give him a hug and a kiss on the head. I'm trying. Geez Louise. I never expected it would be so hard.

D- forgive me for taking so long to respond to this post. It is a response that I need to type on a laptop (not an iphone) and those words above really spoke to me. Because I feel your pain. I feel the struggle of wanting so much MORE for them. It's not superficial. You feel like he is settling; like he is turning his back on the way you raised him, on the values you hold dear. And you see right through her and it pains you that he doesn't. been there done that. And we ALL know that if someone points out the obvious red flags, it will be the MESSENGER who gets shot. And yet, there is that feeling of needing to do it anyway, that maternal obligation to be the bad guy, take one for the team because it is so important. And the reality is that pointing out her faults won't jeopardize his relationship with her (it will probably make it stronger)rather it will jeopardize your relationship with HIM. Keep the Cutty close at hand...and the smile on your face.

As for the house, look into putting it in a land trust. It's not too expensive, it can be factored into the paperwork/mortgage. I want to say it's a few hundred dollars to establish it, and maybe a $100 yearly fee. It will keep it out of her hands and it will add quite a few steps to the home equity loan process. It will also protect the asset from being fodder in a lawsuit...Just in case.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im not so sure aint isnt in the dictionary anymore. We have added a whole slew of words far more bizarre than that recently.

I see you have learned a few things about disability. Good for you! I do think it is a bit ironic that she now decides that living together is so skanky when she has been doing that for years. We all know my personal opinion is that a piece of paper does not make a committed relationship. It is the people in that relationship. Who knows if she will stick around long term. I hope so if he wants her to and she is good for him.

 

[DDD]

Sig, I am a retired Realtor and the term "land trust" almost means zip to me. I'll check it out. on the other hand my easy child is going to hold a first mortgage on the house for ten years. easy child/difficult child (a/k/a difficult child#1) will be 35 almost 36 when it is paid off. I'll be out of the picture. At that age IF he decides to add someone to the title he'll have to just live with the consequences of his choices. Yikes...I hope he makes good choices for his life.


I do feel compelled to tell you all that she is not my cup of tea. Of course I've never had a girlfriend. LOL, DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

DDD... when my parents got married, her mom was dead set against it. My dad just wasn't "her cup of tea" either. Not educated enough, not polished enough - and in this case, too young. But... Dad really cared for Mom, and as a result, he really cared for HER Mom too... and eventually, he became her favorite son-in-law. Sometimes, mommy gut is awesome and sometimes its just "human"!

 

[DDD]

Good point, Insane. We have had instances like that too. I'm not trying to paint her as the Devil's spawn, lol. She cleans, she cooks, she works, she is getting closer to me and husband. Maybe my real problem is that difficult child#1 seems to be too comfortable with her running the show. (That makes sense, actually, because I have run the show since he had his brain surgery.) So long as the house stays in his name only and the weed consumption doesn't get out of hand I am trying to be as supportive as I know how to be.

She was thrilled this week because I gave them money to buy a Christmas tree and the two of them put it up in my living room for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how many years she has lived separately from her family but she really was happy to "have a real tree again". I'm giving them the Christmas stuff for the new house as I'm too pooped to want to decorate. been there done that for over fifty years. She said last night "next year when you come to our house there will garlands on our tree...I love garlands". I smiled and said "sounds beautiful". Serenity prayer time, LOL. DDD

 

[Calamity Jane]

DDD, you are a caution!