Remember that so many of these issues have a very strong genetic link. As many adoptive parents have found out, nurture does not trump nature for these kinds of issues... good nurture may provide a better outcome, some of the time, and poor nurture definitely compounds the problem. But... if bio-dad has the same genetic problems... some of the attraction between them is due to shared genetics including the dxes (whether diagnosed or not)
Just cant understand the reasoning, our difficult child is spinning out of control.
- Thread starter cw_mi
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This is definitely the case , at least a lot of it. There were some things about difficult child that we/I noticed years ago that were exactly like bio dad and even her mom. Although it seems like the worst of the genetic problems carried over from her dad.
I think our focus now is more on my wife and I. difficult child has chosen her path and nothing is going to change it. I can see the strength that my wife had at the begining of this ordeal is starting to slowly errode. Wife got a phone call from her again Sat. , talked briefly that was about it. We also heard thru our friends which happen to be one of difficult child friends parents that difficult child spent Sat. night over there. They told us that they find it odd that difficult child has mentioned missing our pets but has said nothing about her mom. I know my wife has mentioned to difficult child that she would like to see her sometime and difficult child has shown no interest (it's been since Nov. since we've seen her). Hearing that really effected my wife, I could see it. It would almost be easier with zero contact and zero info about the difficult child. I know the wife and I need to get some help on this, I see what it does to her and when I hear about things I get angry and bitter. We both just need to move on from this situation. It is tough though since we both wanted to try for another child when we got married and only found out we couldn't a little over a year ago. So it's like we've got nothing now.
Well, you have each other. Focus on that. It is MUCH easier the less contact you have with her. Those comments about the pets although so hurtful seem somewhat common. My difficult child has 4 cats that she considers "her family." She has zero contact with her own daughter whom I am raising, it doesn't make any sense nor can you glean logic out of it. Find a good therapist and learn how to accept the situation so you two can move on and enjoy your lives..........it's a tough road, but you do have each other and I believe as you mourn the losses and learn the tools to detach you will find your peace and your joy.........
Well here another sort of update.
difficult child called the other day and asked my wife if she could spend the day with her this Sat. Now we have not seen her in close to 6 months difficult child has called and talked with my wife maybe 4 or 5 times. Just small talk nothing major. Now we have both talked about sitting down and doing some sort of group therapy but life sort of happens and we have not at this time. My wife is sort of freaked out about her the visit, she is excited to see her but has mixed emotions about the whole thing. My suggestion to her was to go to the local coffee shop. difficult child loved going there with us and having a capacinno. I think them doing that will sort of make it less personal and hopefully less awkward. I also suggested that no matter how she looks (weve heard she isnt eating well and her hygiene has fallen) dont say anything. If difficult child mentions the loser fiancé/child boy just roll with it. I know she is pretty stressed about it. I know she is worried that it isnt a sincere visit, that something is up. I agree with her on that, prom is coming up and difficult child doesnt work and her dad wont help her with anything. At some point they will have to talk about the big blow out night when difficult child left, but this probably isnt the time to do that.
Now as far as myself, I dont want to see her. There was a time I would have put difficult childs life before mine, not anymore. (remember difficult child is my stepdaughter) I still love her but have a lot of anger for her. I know its childish but I think its me being protective of my wife. All the things Ive seen my wife do for difficult child and difficult child just craps all over her. Even though I know this wont do anything , I sort of want to see difficult child learn her lesson for making these bad decisions. Again I know this is not very mature and in reality she wont learn from her mistakes..she never has in the past so why would she now. I do know Im making a plan of not being around for the day if I can help it.
difficult child called the other day and asked my wife if she could spend the day with her this Sat. Now we have not seen her in close to 6 months difficult child has called and talked with my wife maybe 4 or 5 times. Just small talk nothing major. Now we have both talked about sitting down and doing some sort of group therapy but life sort of happens and we have not at this time. My wife is sort of freaked out about her the visit, she is excited to see her but has mixed emotions about the whole thing. My suggestion to her was to go to the local coffee shop. difficult child loved going there with us and having a capacinno. I think them doing that will sort of make it less personal and hopefully less awkward. I also suggested that no matter how she looks (weve heard she isnt eating well and her hygiene has fallen) dont say anything. If difficult child mentions the loser fiancé/child boy just roll with it. I know she is pretty stressed about it. I know she is worried that it isnt a sincere visit, that something is up. I agree with her on that, prom is coming up and difficult child doesnt work and her dad wont help her with anything. At some point they will have to talk about the big blow out night when difficult child left, but this probably isnt the time to do that.
Now as far as myself, I dont want to see her. There was a time I would have put difficult childs life before mine, not anymore. (remember difficult child is my stepdaughter) I still love her but have a lot of anger for her. I know its childish but I think its me being protective of my wife. All the things Ive seen my wife do for difficult child and difficult child just craps all over her. Even though I know this wont do anything , I sort of want to see difficult child learn her lesson for making these bad decisions. Again I know this is not very mature and in reality she wont learn from her mistakes..she never has in the past so why would she now. I do know Im making a plan of not being around for the day if I can help it.
welcometowitsend
Member
CW - I can certainly understand how you would be angry with your step-d. She has hurt your wife greatly despite all the good things your wife has done and how great of a mother she has been. My husband feels the same way about our son. He is very angry with him for all of the pain he has caused me. He has often said that he can take whatever difficult child dishes out to him but can not stand to see what difficult child dishes out to me. He feels that children should never disrespect their mother. So I get the anger and I know my husband gets it too.
I would be suspicious that if prom is coming up then it is time for daughter to hit mom up for the prom dress, shoes, etc. that she wants. I would be tempted to say no if I was your wife. After 6 months of almost no contact she has certainly let you know what kind of a priority you are in her life.
I think your general advice to your wife was very good. Keep it light, don't say anything negative about the hygiene or the boyfriend. Very sound. One other thing I would add is that I always tell my son that I'm confident that he can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to.
I hope things go well for your wife. You may not want to be there for the visit but I think you should make sure you're available afterwards so your wife can talk through everything with you. Sounds like you're the kind of guy that will do that for her.
I would be suspicious that if prom is coming up then it is time for daughter to hit mom up for the prom dress, shoes, etc. that she wants. I would be tempted to say no if I was your wife. After 6 months of almost no contact she has certainly let you know what kind of a priority you are in her life.
I think your general advice to your wife was very good. Keep it light, don't say anything negative about the hygiene or the boyfriend. Very sound. One other thing I would add is that I always tell my son that I'm confident that he can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to.
I hope things go well for your wife. You may not want to be there for the visit but I think you should make sure you're available afterwards so your wife can talk through everything with you. Sounds like you're the kind of guy that will do that for her.
I don't think your feelings are childish or uncommon, you're human and angry, she has done damage, you have every right to your feelings. She should learn her lesson....sigh, but she may not. I am interested to hear if she wants this meeting to try to pry some money out of your wife for the prom or if she has learned anything..............please update and let us know. difficult child's are notorious for manipulation, so i hope your wife showed up with her armor on and not her wounded heart on display. Sending good thoughts. Let us know what happened.......
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Hi. I think, as time goes by and you still feel you want to post, you should start a new thread so that more people can see it 
Until I checked I thought somebody had just popped up an old, old thread and did not realize you have been posting updates Welcome back.
I don't begrudge you your feelings at all since she isn't your daughter. In fact I think it is common when you marry somebody who has a child who is a major problem and breaks your loved ones heart. However, your wife is going to be unable to just walk away and detach this early in the game. Is this her only child? If so, even harder. Been there, by the way.
I honestly think that this child's boyfriend has introduced her to drugs. There are signs of drug use that she has and you don't have to catch her doing any drugs for her to be using them. My daughter sure fooled us. In fact, until she quit and told us the whole gory details, we had never guessed how deeply involved in drugs she was. So I wouldn't chalk losing weight and deteriorating hygiene just down to junk food and laxness. Junk food usually amps up your weight. If she is throwing away everything she once cared about, including you and your wife, that is a STRONG red flag for drug use that goes beyond marijuana. Kids tend to get very rebellious, ornery, and puzzling while using drugs. In a sense, they don't want to be around you because you and your wife are good and decent and she knows darn well she is screwing up her life and it shames her more to be around you (a little possibly flawed and layman's psychology here, but my own daughter did mention this to me..."If you'd known what I was really into, you would have been so sad and ashamed so I cut you out.") Now I'm not saying she is on drugs for sure. But it is awfully suspicious that she is acting this way if she isn't taking any drugs. And what does she see in this boyfreind? A drug supplier? Forgive me for being skeptical. My own experience makes me very cynical. Sounds like bio. dad is now wearing on her nerves and that she will bolt as soon as she is eighteen and then you will find out what is really going on. Of course, I actually help she comes to her senses and that scenario never happens...again, I am cynical t hat difficult children learn and do better unless they have fallen to their rock bottom and have the strength AND desire to do the hard work required to pull themselves out. Many don't. Some do. Depends in my opinion a lot of intelligence and ability to have the insight to face the fact that life is bad and only THEY (the difficult child) can make life good again.
Sorry I went on a rant. I feel so badly for both of you. Do seek out counseling, whether you are more comfortable with a professional or pastoral counseling or anyone else who can help you support your wife during this difficult time.
I agree with IC on the curse of DNA. It is a part of who your difficult child is, the good and the bad. Sometimes you can have the best intentions and be the best parent on earth and DNA dictates that the child will experience your good intentions in a differently wired and misconstrued way that is in no way your faults. I believe nature trumps nurture 80% of the time.
Thanks for the update. Remember...maybe next time start a new thread so that you can get more feedback. We certainly are happy to give you our .02
Until I checked I thought somebody had just popped up an old, old thread and did not realize you have been posting updates Welcome back.I don't begrudge you your feelings at all since she isn't your daughter. In fact I think it is common when you marry somebody who has a child who is a major problem and breaks your loved ones heart. However, your wife is going to be unable to just walk away and detach this early in the game. Is this her only child? If so, even harder. Been there, by the way.
I honestly think that this child's boyfriend has introduced her to drugs. There are signs of drug use that she has and you don't have to catch her doing any drugs for her to be using them. My daughter sure fooled us. In fact, until she quit and told us the whole gory details, we had never guessed how deeply involved in drugs she was. So I wouldn't chalk losing weight and deteriorating hygiene just down to junk food and laxness. Junk food usually amps up your weight. If she is throwing away everything she once cared about, including you and your wife, that is a STRONG red flag for drug use that goes beyond marijuana. Kids tend to get very rebellious, ornery, and puzzling while using drugs. In a sense, they don't want to be around you because you and your wife are good and decent and she knows darn well she is screwing up her life and it shames her more to be around you (a little possibly flawed and layman's psychology here, but my own daughter did mention this to me..."If you'd known what I was really into, you would have been so sad and ashamed so I cut you out.") Now I'm not saying she is on drugs for sure. But it is awfully suspicious that she is acting this way if she isn't taking any drugs. And what does she see in this boyfreind? A drug supplier? Forgive me for being skeptical. My own experience makes me very cynical. Sounds like bio. dad is now wearing on her nerves and that she will bolt as soon as she is eighteen and then you will find out what is really going on. Of course, I actually help she comes to her senses and that scenario never happens...again, I am cynical t hat difficult children learn and do better unless they have fallen to their rock bottom and have the strength AND desire to do the hard work required to pull themselves out. Many don't. Some do. Depends in my opinion a lot of intelligence and ability to have the insight to face the fact that life is bad and only THEY (the difficult child) can make life good again.
Sorry I went on a rant. I feel so badly for both of you. Do seek out counseling, whether you are more comfortable with a professional or pastoral counseling or anyone else who can help you support your wife during this difficult time.
I agree with IC on the curse of DNA. It is a part of who your difficult child is, the good and the bad. Sometimes you can have the best intentions and be the best parent on earth and DNA dictates that the child will experience your good intentions in a differently wired and misconstrued way that is in no way your faults. I believe nature trumps nurture 80% of the time.
Thanks for the update. Remember...maybe next time start a new thread so that you can get more feedback. We certainly are happy to give you our .02
