Just Don't Know

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 16, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Is Nichole slipping back into gfgdom.........or is it boyfriend's manipulation?

    I find myself wondering even while I'm staying detached. Since she made her psychiatrist appointment I've been watching her closely. Habit mostly, I guess.

    If it's there, I'm not seeing it. Ok, so she has a temper. (so do I, a vicious one) But honestly, I've thought she's done really well learning to control it. Oh, she still has some work to do........but gawd, she's come a long way. And I figure if I could learn to control MY temper.......(which is worse than hers) she could learn to do the same.

    So, I asked her flat out what is making her believe the psychiatrist is necessary. She said the anger is out of control. (sorry, still not seeing it) I asked was it just the anger, or were there other things bothering her? Any of the things like during the downward spiral timeframe. No. No visual hallucinations. No real issue with anxiety. Just the anger.

    I hope psychiatrist will be able to sort this out for what it is.

    I would be worried if I were seeing some out of control anger issues here. But I'm not. Actually, she's doing well here........and heck, she has 2 other difficult children to contend with. Who by the way can grate on the nerves to the nth degree at times. At school with the lovey dovey giggly immature teeny bopper lovers she stated she was ready to rip their heads off......Yet she hasn't so much as said a word to them. Instead she spoke up to the instructor and ask him to do something about them, they're too distracting.

    So, that only leaves boyfriend's house as the place where her "rage" flares it's ugly head. Which makes me think boyfriend is up to his old manipulation games again. Not surprising since he told Nichole he would move out with her over the summer and they'd get a place together.

    This guy is a mega difficult child in his own right. Is terrified of moving out of his parent's home at 23yrs old. (has admitted it to her) And is scared out of his mind of any sort of commitment. Now that he got laid off from his job, he has no desire whatsoever to go looking for work. He wants a free ride from the benefits he gets due to the lay off for a year's worth of free schooling. (as long as he doesn't work) Ok, that part I don't blame him for.

    So......if by some miracle they do manage to wind up moving in together.....he is expecting Nichole to be the one to hold down the job and go to school.:mad: Call me old fashioned, but that sooooo doesn't sit well at all with me. Especially after all he's attempted to do to sabotage her schooling.......regardless of all his spouting that she needs her education.

    Odds are, the manipulation is to keep Nichole off guard long enough that she'll give up on the whole idea of moving in together. Although he was the one to bring it up in the first place. (typical for him) But unfortunately for Nichole, she has no choice. She has a deadline.

    Oh, and she told me that she is going to take the test to be a mail carrier. Seems we currently have a bit of a shortage going on in the area. I told her to do it if she wants. Pay and benefits are good. (better than EMT) And she'd still be able to go to school nights.

    Does this sound like someone who is becoming unstable?? Or am I just poking my head in the sand?
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    The only thing that seems kinda, and I am really reaching here, is the job jumping. But then that could be good if they get good benes and pay.

    Maybe this is about how she feels and not how she is acting? I would say it is great progress not to act violent if you feel violent/angry, but it would be very uncomfortable to feel that way.

    I think it is good that she go and see psychiatrist. Especially if you trust him.

    I feel like an interloper on this, as my difficult child is so young, but my husband is sooooo a difficult child.

    Do you think she will follow thru with appointment with psychiatrist?
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Your daughter is (for all intents and purposes) an adult. If she is feeling her anger get out of control, I would trust her. She has to learn to manage her own emotions - and if going to a psychiatrist helps her do that - then more power to her. If she was an addict, doing this to find pills to pop - then I might be concerned. But, that doesn't sound like the case.

    boyfriend? I would be concerned about a guy who's not actively seeking employment too. Especially @ 23 years old. But, what can you do? Hopefully Nichole reads the writing on the wall.
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Goldenguru said what I'm thinking only much better than I could have this morning. I can understand you being concerned about her. You know her boyfriend is no good for her. Hopefully, she'll see the light sooner rather than later...

    Since difficult child 1 recently turned 18, I don't have much experience yet with an adult difficult child. However, the way things are headed, I can see myself in for a roller coaster ride from HE77...:(:mad:... WFEN
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Wise as usual. Thank you. Yes, I should trust her.

    I do. But I also know how easily boyfriend can manipulate her thinking. Not as much as in the past......but it is still there. Nichole even admits it. What worries me is she doesn't "see" it until after the fact. Most especially in this area.

    I am hoping the new psychiatrist can clear this up for her. Or help her to see it better. Old psychiatrist tried, but it never stuck. And I think another look at her dxes is a good idea, as an adult without the downward spiral added into the mix of symptoms.

    A shame. In her boyfriend I see potiential, regardless of the gfgdom. Wish we could convince him to go get some help of his own. As it wouldn't just do wonders for him, it would help their relationship as well. But he's still too under his lunatic mothers influence to attempt it. I do not use the term "lunatic" lightly. I've observed this woman for nearly 5 yrs. It's doubtful any child she raised could've come out of it without being a difficult child.

    I'm just watching the situation. (not much I can do anyway)

    As for the job jumping........Nichole compared what she'd make as a basic EMT to the salary/benefits of the postal service. (which starts at triple what she'd make as an EMT) Knowing that she has a Sept deadline to move out I'm sure is playing a part in this decision. She has been doing alot of learning how much certain monthly bills run and rent prices in the area. She wants to make sure she can make it. Not a bad idea if boyfriend is refusing low income housing. And at that pay.......I don't blame her for trying. The exam is not at all difficult. I've taken and passed it myself several years ago.

    Guess we'll see where this goes. Her appointment isn't until June, unless her symptoms/urgency changes.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...you may not see her symptoms if she is trying to hide them. As I got older I was able to hide mine from people I didnt want to know. I literally was able to hide so much that no one knew I was bipolar until I wanted to let them know. Tony didnt even know about me seeing the walls melt until years later...like 15 years later. He still tries to say that it happened after I was medicated when it really happened when the kids were little. I just told him after I was medicated and the kids were older.

    Also...if Nicole starts into some therapy program it is entirely possible that the therapist may want boyfriend to attend with her which will end up a good thing. Tony has gone to my therapy appts and now my therapist has a good idea of what issues he has even though he hasnt been officially diagnosed with anything. It doesnt take an official diagnoses to see what is going on in a relationship.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    No matter what the reasoning for it, going to see a psychiatrist and counseling (if she does that) certainly can't hurt. If there is nothing to be concerned with, then her mind will be put to rest. If there is, then it's good to know now before a downward spiral starts.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I have to wonder if maybe she needs permission from the psychiatrist to stand up to boyfriend. She probably knows the right thing to do but can't figure out how to stand up for herself and do it. It's easy to slip into old roles and habits. Sometimes it's easier at that age to tell someone "no" when you're able to say "I was told that I shouldn't (or can't) do this."

    Here's hoping...
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet, Nichole's previous psychiatrist attempted to bring boyfriend in for therapy.......Yeah. Didn't work. He bailed on every appointment.

    Witz, I never thought of that possibility. It may be the case. Good insight!

    I'm more nervous about them moving in together than Nichole's stability at this point. Although there could be alot of things Nichole isn't comfortable telling me.

    After spending the day outside with Aubrey today.......I've decided I want Nichole to be a toddler again. Sheesh, it was soooooooo easy when she was a toddler. lol
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    It must be so hard watching your child get mistreated/manipulated. Hopefully she will find a way to stand firm in her boundaries as she matures. Just keep doing what you're doing; supporting and encouraging her with patience. She's *your* daughter so I have confidence that she will blossom into an amazing woman :) Hugs, ML