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Just filed Criminal Charges Against Our Lying Stealing Addict Son
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 699269" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Benro, welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>Your story has a lot of similarities to my son's story. He stole from us, I called the police on him. He sold drugs and got caught and was convicted of two felonies. He was in jail multiple times. He smoked marijuana, drank, took pills and who knows what else. I kicked him out multiple times, he went to rehab multiple times and relapsed, we gave and gave and gave. </p><p></p><p>Please spend some time reading this site. You'll find that although the "details" are slightly different, the trajectory of the stories is just the same. Our DCs who are addicted or mentally ill usually reject help, or they take the help and then relapse, they break the law, they break our rules, they keep on and on, we do everything possible to help and manage and fix, we feel guilty and bad when we set strong boundaries and take actions to stop the insanity...and we can't change a single darn thing. </p><p></p><p>I understand that your son crossed multiple lines when he stole from you and took the handgun.</p><p></p><p>I believe you did the only thing you could do to protect yourselves, your son and other innocent people. </p><p></p><p>It's not your fault. Your son clearly has some serious problems. Whether they are "just addiction," or other mental health problems, or what, he has decided to keep on with his behavior and not seek the help that is available. Your son has been to rehab. He has heard all of the recovery methods and experienced them. While relapse is common and part of addiction, your son knows the alternatives and he's not ready to change. He's not ready for recovery. </p><p></p><p>For me, I came to the point that I was okay with my son being in jail because at least he was off the street, not lying in a ditch high or hurt, not hurting someone else, and not able to continue stealing and drinking and drugging and breaking the law even more. He was his own worst enemy during those years.</p><p></p><p>My son's downward spiral started when he was about 19 and lasted until he was about 25. He told me later he was scared straight in jail the last time (about the 9th time in jail) when his public defender told him he would be sentenced to four years in prison the next morning. My son laid awake all night and for some reason, the judge let him go the next morning and he hasn't been in trouble since that time and has been on a constant improvement path since that time. </p><p></p><p>I had to completely let go and back off for a long long time before that. We were still in contact and "friendly" but limited contact. He was homeless multiple times. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you and your family are having to deal with all of this. I'm sure your son's physical challenges with diabetes further complicate things. My son now has Hep C so I understand the fears with a chronic condition. </p><p></p><p>I can't take away your guilt but I will say this: Process it, feel it, grieve it, and let it go. What's done is done. You have done the best you could in almost impossible circumstances. This is a very very hard situation to navigate, watching someone you love dearly self-destruct. There is no perfect way---not even a "good way"--- to handle this type of pain and grief. </p><p></p><p>Today, my guidance for myself are these simple things: Is what I am going to say or do reasonable? Is it simple? Am I trying to control, manage or fix the other person, situation or thing? What is my business and what is not my business? </p><p></p><p>Adults have the right to live their own lives, regardless of how little sense it makes to someone else. Right now, your son is making a lot of bad decisions. This may just be the path he has to walk right now. That doesn't mean he will walk this path forever. Give it time. Stand back. Let him face the natural consequences of his choices. You can still love him and care about him even through this. You don't have to be involved with him every day. Create some space for yourselves for some rest and peace. </p><p></p><p>I promise you this: Almost nothing is an emergency. </p><p></p><p>Please keep posting here. We understand, and we care. We'll walk with you through this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 699269, member: 17542"] Benro, welcome to the forum. Your story has a lot of similarities to my son's story. He stole from us, I called the police on him. He sold drugs and got caught and was convicted of two felonies. He was in jail multiple times. He smoked marijuana, drank, took pills and who knows what else. I kicked him out multiple times, he went to rehab multiple times and relapsed, we gave and gave and gave. Please spend some time reading this site. You'll find that although the "details" are slightly different, the trajectory of the stories is just the same. Our DCs who are addicted or mentally ill usually reject help, or they take the help and then relapse, they break the law, they break our rules, they keep on and on, we do everything possible to help and manage and fix, we feel guilty and bad when we set strong boundaries and take actions to stop the insanity...and we can't change a single darn thing. I understand that your son crossed multiple lines when he stole from you and took the handgun. I believe you did the only thing you could do to protect yourselves, your son and other innocent people. It's not your fault. Your son clearly has some serious problems. Whether they are "just addiction," or other mental health problems, or what, he has decided to keep on with his behavior and not seek the help that is available. Your son has been to rehab. He has heard all of the recovery methods and experienced them. While relapse is common and part of addiction, your son knows the alternatives and he's not ready to change. He's not ready for recovery. For me, I came to the point that I was okay with my son being in jail because at least he was off the street, not lying in a ditch high or hurt, not hurting someone else, and not able to continue stealing and drinking and drugging and breaking the law even more. He was his own worst enemy during those years. My son's downward spiral started when he was about 19 and lasted until he was about 25. He told me later he was scared straight in jail the last time (about the 9th time in jail) when his public defender told him he would be sentenced to four years in prison the next morning. My son laid awake all night and for some reason, the judge let him go the next morning and he hasn't been in trouble since that time and has been on a constant improvement path since that time. I had to completely let go and back off for a long long time before that. We were still in contact and "friendly" but limited contact. He was homeless multiple times. I am so sorry you and your family are having to deal with all of this. I'm sure your son's physical challenges with diabetes further complicate things. My son now has Hep C so I understand the fears with a chronic condition. I can't take away your guilt but I will say this: Process it, feel it, grieve it, and let it go. What's done is done. You have done the best you could in almost impossible circumstances. This is a very very hard situation to navigate, watching someone you love dearly self-destruct. There is no perfect way---not even a "good way"--- to handle this type of pain and grief. Today, my guidance for myself are these simple things: Is what I am going to say or do reasonable? Is it simple? Am I trying to control, manage or fix the other person, situation or thing? What is my business and what is not my business? Adults have the right to live their own lives, regardless of how little sense it makes to someone else. Right now, your son is making a lot of bad decisions. This may just be the path he has to walk right now. That doesn't mean he will walk this path forever. Give it time. Stand back. Let him face the natural consequences of his choices. You can still love him and care about him even through this. You don't have to be involved with him every day. Create some space for yourselves for some rest and peace. I promise you this: Almost nothing is an emergency. Please keep posting here. We understand, and we care. We'll walk with you through this. [/QUOTE]
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