Just for discussion: Adult sons and daughters living at home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    First and foremost: I'm only thowing this out for discussion. We all have different opinons and - heaven knows - different policies in our homes regarding our difficult children. So, PLEASE: No fisticuffs!!!

    I recently posted about my difficult child (almost 21) and her sleepovers with guys I received a variety of reponses ranigng from "not in my house, ever" to "it is what it is" to "it's none of my business".

    What I found interesting, is that none of the replies that indicated that the parent was ok with sleepovers or cohabitation in their home, - were from parents of daughters.

    So, I'm curious now. Weigh in, fellow warrior parents, with your honest thoughts on this subject: If you have sons and daughters, are your feelings/policies the same with both sexes? If you have only sons/daughters, how do you think you would feel?

    I have one daughter and I am the youngest of three daughters. My policy is: The only time a member of the opposite sex would be allowed to sleep here is: 1. A large tree has fallen across the road, making it impassable. 2. Random natural disaster of any sort 3. Travelling from out of state in which case A. Relationship must be at least one year long B. I have met this person before. In any of the above situations, Lotahrio will sleep on the living room couch, difficult child in her room.

    Now, about sleepovers away from here. That's where it gets trciky. difficult child and I have compromised on a max of twp nights per week when she can "crash at a party". becasue she is too tired to drive or has been drinking. I know the party and the group that is suppoesed to be there and the "too tired" are usually hooey, but it's a compromise.

    She's only been in her current relationship for about three weeks, but I can't do a darned thing about those kinds of choices. I can onlyl draw boundaries around my home the conditions of her staying here.

    I have no idea if I'd be different with a son. I think I'd be the same about my home, but I've never had a son ..or an adult easy child, so I j ust don't know.

    Anyway, I'm not asking for advice. Just letting you know where I am. Now I'd like to here from you.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    With both my daughters, there were a couple of times I allowed their boyfriends to sleep over. This is once they were adults, mind you, never before. In Oldest's case, the one I remember was a guy she had been involved with for a few months. In Youngest's case, it was the father of her baby. The way I looked at it was, they were adults. They were involved with these guys already (and in Youngest's case, the "damage" was done!). As long as they were respectful, I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. I would not have been ok with them bringing random guys home ... in each case it was a guy I knew they'd been seeing for awhile and were monogamous with.

    Out of the house, I stayed out of it. As long as they let me know whether or not they were coming home, it was their business.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I have the world's oddest situation, with Raven, Onyxx and Jett under my roof. So...

    Raven: He is 19, he can go find a hotel.
    Onyxx: :rofl: Not a chance.
    Jett: Nope. NOT in my house.
    Bean: No. I don't care if Bean is a girl or boy.

    Now having said that... I never even asked my parents. Reality: When I moved out, my then-fiance got into town (long story) on Wednesday... We picked up keys to the apartment on Friday. He got parked on the living room sofa. We didn't even TRY to sneak. And we were moving out together... But that was too much to ask of my parents! (I was 21, he was 22...)
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Nope. Not in my house. Boy or girl.
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I should probably start with stating with the fact, that I'm not North American. I'm from a part of Europe there person, who is virgin in their wedding is considered a freak and people getting married before living together (usually several years) are considered either stupid or religious fanatics. In fact people often tend to get married in their first baby's Christening if they don't want to have big weddings. We tend to hope our kids would wait starting their sex lives until they are 16 or 17 but if a parent would get to know their kid is a virgin at 20, they would probably be worried. especially our youngsters are very quick to move together after starting dating. My difficult child and his girlfriend (both 18) had been together six months before they officially moved together. That is considered rather normal time. I expect my difficult child to have few more live-in girlfriends before he finds a one he will marry. Of course this could be it, but usually newely weds have had one or two live-in mates before they meet their fiancée. Also one night stands are considered normal and common if you are not cheating anyone. So many would consider us sexually immoral lot, but sky has not yet fallen onto us.

    I only have sons but it would be same for daughters, expect I would maybe be okay for them to have overnight guests earlier, because girls tend to be more mature than boys.

    When my difficult child visits, his girlfriend is also very welcome and they sleep in difficult child's old room. (And to be honest, I assume they really just sleep, it is uncomfortable to have sex under the roof of your prospective in-laws.) Also at our boat they share the bed. If easy child would bring a girl over, she would sleep at guest room at least now. It may be different for example a year from now, when easy child will be soon turning 17. Depends if he will have a serious girlfriend then. easy child is allowed to visit overnight also his girlfriend home/summer cottage/boat within the same rules he can vstay a night at his male friends homes etc. and where they sleep is her parents business.

    I firmly believe my kids' sex life is their business. I tried to teach them certain things, but when they are adult (or near it), it is their business to conduct as they see best.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    No unmarried sleeping partners in my house! The only exception would be an adult child who was already living with their partner (no sense in separating them during their visit home) or a gay child with a partner who can't get married due to stupid laws in their state.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Eldest had a steady boyfriend - senior year he was allowed to sleep over. I never had a problem with that sort of thing when they were older as long as they were quiet and didn't wake up everyone in the house. There was one instance with Danny where he had friends over, and was busy somewhere else-the friends were being really noisey and I got up to tell them to knock it off assuming Danny was with them - he wasn't and I had a melt down about how I wasn't running a frat house and he never did it again.

    Comming of age in the late 60's and from a family that believe you only had sex to procreate, and you wern't supposed to enjoy it, never mind being a difficult child, I balked at the double standard. My brother who was 4 years younger was allowed to do as he pleased, and with me, already graduated from hi school and working, had to be home by 9:00 weekend or not (because there was nothing to do cept "get in trouble" ) wasn't buying into that whole idea.

    Now that the boys are older, if they do have FWB's, they are quiet about it and there is never anyone here by the time I get up.

  8. keista

    keista New Member

    I'm with JJJ. And I hope that out of respect they'd refrain from activities while visiting me.

    Any adult child living in my house will not be moving in an unmarried partner and will not be allowed to have sleepovers in my house. If the sleepover is a necessity (too much alcohol, car troubles, out of town visit) then the guest will sleep in a separate room.

    I'm not a prude, and absolutely do not expect any of my children to "save themselves for marriage" I actually believe that sex is an integral part of human relationships and should be "tried on" during serious dating if a long term future is planned. I just don't want to be "witness" to it with my kids. Gender makes no difference.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, we must keep in mind we're all different coming from different backgrounds, first of all. Then each of our own personal dealings with our adult children (difficult child or easy child) are also going to be somewhat different so that will also play a factor. My rules are based on my own moral code (which is strict, granted) and from having grown up surrounded by difficult children both in my immediate and extended family. I had more experience dealing with difficult children by the time I was 18 than many people ever know in a lifetime. Which is probably why I'm so comfortable working in a psychiatric unit. LOL

    My rules have nothing to do with sex, male or female. They're rules of respect and that require the adult child to remember they're an adult living in my home because I'm kind enough to allow it for whatever reason. Due to my experience with difficult children, that constant reminder that they're an adult and only here due to my grace is a HUGE deal unless you have plans of them never ever going anywhere.

    My rule that a couple (my child and another person) staying in my house is that they be married. I don't care if you've been together 40 yrs actually. IF for extenuating circumstances the unmarried partner should need to stay in my home.........and it has come up once with Nichole's husband when he got into a rip roaring row with his mom and they tossed him out in the middle of the night (and it was that for once he was standing up for himself)..........they will find themselves in another room. If I catch them together, they'll face my wrath and it will be hades on earth. I'm not a prude in any sense of the word, I'm not even religious by normal standards. It's respect. I am not going to have even the remotest chance of hearing my kid getting in on with another person in my home......I don't choose to go there.

    Like I said, this is just part of my own personal moral code. My kids all know it. They know I won't yield on it. They don't push it either. I don't owe them a reason why, it is what it is, period.

    As for sleep overs elsewhere, honey if you can find another place to hang your hat even for one night, then you've no business living in my house. Simple and true.

    My curfew is respect. I am not going to be awake worrying where my adult kid is, IF they're coming home or lying in a ditch somewhere. Not happening. Midnight is not unreasonable. You can't do a whole lot except get into trouble after midnight anyway, or over sleep when you need to get up to go to work or school which is also required.

    My rules are simple and direct. They're made for MY benefit. It's an imposition to have an adult child to return to the home even if that child is a easy child. My rules make it less so, and there is little conflict.

    If my adult kids object? They don't need a place to stay that bad, then do they?

    Sometimes, it's all about how you look at something.

    My grandmother, wise woman that she was, knew she had more difficult children than pcs in her kids.........soon as the last one left home she moved into a teeny one bedroom apartment and stayed there. I asked her why once. She told me so that none of her kids could return home. They were grown, she taught them what they needed to know while they were home, it was time for them to use it or know the consequences. It worked for her. Even her difficult children learned to function on a somewhat easy child level most of the time.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Lisa said it far better than I. Now I wish I could've gotten difficult child to understand that my house = my benefit/comfort level comes first, but that had nothing to do with sleepovers.

    Both difficult child (20) & pc18 have l/t gfs with whom they are presumably having sex. Not in my house! Of course, we've felt the need to make sure the boys have access to ample protection. And we struggled with how to do so without implying I would happily be making the gfs pancakes in the morning. So, h provides them, restocks them under the sink with a firm "don't let your mom know I gave you these..." and I play dumb. I like to say (to my friends) that the condom fairy has replaced the tooth fairy in our home.

    One girlfriend has stayed over in the guest room on occasion.

    It's partially bc I am not comfortable around it w my younger son. Also, bc I don't want a revolving door of different partners thru my home. And the idea of it is just so inappropriate! And if anyone is having sex in my house, I want it to be me!! And having my kid with a girl in his bed a few doors away would be a total buzz kill-Know what I mean??

  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    And if anyone is having sex in my house, I want it to be me!! And having my kid with a girl in his bed a few doors away would be a total buzz kill-Know what I mean??
    Amen, sister!

    Believe me, my stance on difficult child and her sleepovers isn't about preventing her from having sex. That ship sailed along time ago and I made sure she was armed with birth control and knowledge.

    The thing about my difficult child is that she's one of those "give an inch take a mile"people. When she was away at college, she had a boyfriend who she'd met online (through the college Facebook page) over the summer. They'd never met but were in luuuuuvvvvv. Their fall break was 1 month into the school year and she begged and begge for him to come home with her, using the old "he has a horrible home life" trump card. I told her she could only bring a boy home if they'd been together a year. She begged at Thanksgiving. No. Threatened to go there (Texas) at Christmas (shrug)., when we didnt' react, begged for him to come here at Christmas (did you check your calendar?). By spring break he was history and sh was shaked up in NOrth Carolina with another internet find. We brought her home. Could Bilzzard Boy (he worked at DQ) come visit? Yes, next spring. Two months later he was gone. Had I let that first one in, who knows what kind of parade would be marching through here...

    Like Sig, I am putting the brakes on the revolving door before it starts revolving.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2012
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This is, to me, the crux of the issue....FOR ME.

    My primary feeling is that once they are over 21, they are consenting adults and as long as they are responsible and respectful of others in the house (H and me), their significant other can sleep over. This saved my behind a few years back when easy child's boyfriend slept over and the following weekend difficult child asked if her boyfriend could sleep over. easy child's boyfriend was a long standing boyfriend (Casper), however, difficult child's boyfriend was a newbie (now her fiance). I was able to say, "Ohhh, you're not 21 yet, so the answer is no, sorry" and it was accepted without any grief. The truth of it was that at that time, difficult child was up to her ears in 'dates' and I didn't need a revolving door of men sleeping at my house who would most definitely disrespect us if we allowed that!

    If they are staying out somewhere else, not my business - just let me know so I can turn off the lights and lock the doors.

    Fast forward: easy child is 24 and difficult child 22 - I allow their boyfriend's to sleep over. I don't have a problem with it. Either of them would die a thousand deaths if they chanced having sex and knew we might hear it. I thought easy child was going to puke one time when I asked her about it..."OH MY GOD MOM, I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX IN THE SAME HOUSE AS YOU!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????", lol. Honestly, I wouldn't even care about that either. The first time I allowed difficult child's fiance to sleep over, I kiddingly said, "No hanky panky!" and she said...are you ready? "Mom, we have a schedule for that and tonight is not one of those nights, so no worries" and then closed her door. I had to pick up my jaw off the floor. A schedule for sex?? At 22?? Wow, that girl has the boy whooped, lol.

    In today's day and age, I think it's a very personal choice so no one is right and no one is wrong. You have to set the boundaries as you see fit for YOU and YOUR home.
  13. keista

    keista New Member

    :rofl: Does your daughter know you actually bought that line? I haven't said that axact thing, but certainly similar.
  14. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Are you ready for an insane blast from the past story? This is totally true.
    My husband and I were high school sweethearts, who married pretty young (22). My in-laws had a weekend house, and a few months AFTER WE WERE ALREADY MARRIED we went up to visit them.
    When we arrived, mother in law told me I'd be sleeping in the room with Grandma, and husband would be sleeping in one of the other bedrooms. We were already married! Neither I nor husband wanted to disrespect mother in law, so we did what she said. It was her house, and we respected her wishes, as crazy as it was. We did not sleep together for the entire weekend, and Grandma snored! We figured Mamma couldn't deal with her baby son sleeping with anyone under her roof.

    She let us sleep together in later visits, by the way!
  15. keista

    keista New Member

    Where's the like button when you need it? Great story Calamity.
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    There wasn't anything to buy, it's the truth! Our home is so tiny, and remember we are under construction, so everyone can hear everything! easy child can hear H breathing at night. Sometimes I will hear her get up in a huff and close her door. The room where difficult child and E slept is IMMEDIATELY on the other side of my bed, hahahaha.

    At least, I don't think I've gotten that naive over the years, lol. I was a pretty sneaky difficult child myself back in the day and I just don't think E would have risked it at that time. I'll have to ask her, hahaha. They were already living together then, so even if they had, I wouldn't have cared, but ew, I wouldn't want to hear it!
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I just asked difficult child is she and E ever had sex in our house while we were home and her exact words were, lol:

    "No. That's freaking gross and creepy and awkward" Hahahahahahahaha
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    H&R, I didn't mean about them having sex. (yeah, my Dad didn't even see me kiss a boy until my wedding day!)

    I meant her whole line about the schedule. I was difficult child enough to have sex in my Dad's house when he wasn't there, but even after I was married I refrained while visiting and he was there - EEEEWWWWW!
  19. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ew! Lololol, keista! They really have a schedule. I asked her about it the next day and she told me the days it's on the schedule, which is strange to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat, right? At 22 I did it whenever I could. A schedule? Unheard of! Hahaha. Incidentally, I had sex in my moms house all the time. I can't believe I was so ballsy!
  20. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Errr.... Sex in my parents' house, yes.

    ASK to have a boyfriend spend the night? HECK NO!!!