Just found something telling about difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Jan 15, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He had this on the internet under his name, alnog with one friend listed- "suicide girl". He has said things for the past 3-4 years that he felt nerdy and didn't like it. I know in some ways he's even more confortable in Department of Juvenile Justice because he feels like he has friends and is considered "in" with the crowd instead of an outcast. I'm not sure what to do- how can I help him when he comes home so he sees that there is something in between being an outcast from your peeers and being a thug in and out of Department of Juvenile Justice? I've tried explaining in a thousand ways that being a good kid who tries in best in school, the faact that he used to be a scout, he wears glasses, he is kind and his heart is just not one of a thug, but this is something to be proud of- not ashamed of. Tdocs have just never addressed this issue.

    [ame="http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2674025"]White and Nerdy Video by Weird Al Yankovic - MySpace Video@@AMEPARAM@@http://mediaservices.myspace.com/services/media/embed.aspx/m=2674025@@AMEPARAM@@mediaservices@@AMEPARAM@@myspace@@AMEPARAM@@services/media/embed@@AMEPARAM@@aspx/m@@AMEPARAM@@2674025[/ame]

    I knew in my gut- this kid was intentionally breaking the law- it had nothing to do with my parenting. It is beyond why I have never (and still can't ) get anyone over at the courts to see that.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter was the same way.She also has a good heart and always did and did not have the mindset of a thug. But the fact is, the most accepting group are the bad kids. I've talked about this with MY therapists. My daughter was a new kid at school and nobody sat with her at lunch. She was alone for a few months when a few of the bad kids sat with her and recruited her, so to speak. And she finally had friends.

    The sad truth is that the good kids are the least accepting. They don't mean to be that way, but they have their friends and their lives and do not open their arms to others. Even if your child were to suddenly turn it around, most likely, like my daughter, his old friends would start to harass him to go back to the way he was and the good kids wouldn't even notice.

    I don't know what to do about the problem. Once a kid has a rep, it's hard to shake it too. All I know is what I was told by my therapist and my daughter, who is now clean, and my own school experiences. That's why you can talk to your son yet he sees a different reality, perhaps. Hopefully someone else can come along with useful suggestions. I never did find a way to change anything. My daughter had to move to another state in order to change and she was lonely for a long time. She still doesn't have as many friends as she had when she was doing drugs...good luck.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Same thing happened to me. I came in to public school from a very small private school where I still was something of an outcast. In the public school I was really a dorky outcast who didnt fit in at all. This happened to me at a very bad time too, entering Jr High. Eventually the druggy kids took me under their wing and that was it for me.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    What you describe is an all-to-common problem for kids. I've been trying to use real-life examples of "nerds" who went on to great things in life that the "cool" kids will never get to do...

    Weird Al is a great example. My kids are fans of his music and videos, too ("White and Nerdy" is one of their favorites...). So I asked them what they thought Al was like in school...

    Think about that. Skinny, gawky kid with frizzy hair and glasses. Smart. And of all things, his parents made him take accordian lessons. Talk about a loser!!

    And yet, it is those very qualities that have made him a super-star. If he had made efforts to fit in with the cool kids...you probably would have never heard of him.

    See what your son thinks about that...

    Might be worth a try.

  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Ladies. MWM- were you referring to the daughter who was into drugs? Between difficult child feeling this way, the family history, and kids being the way they are (accepting or not as you all have mentioned), I think difficult child is HIGHLY susceptible to starting on drugs. Really, we may be fortunate that he hasn't already.

    It is unfortunate that kids can't see that it is the unique people, not those whose priority is fitting in the "in" crowd, that are the outstanding people in our world, whether they are highly educated or make their mark some other way like Rosa Parks.

    difficult child felt this way before changing schools or anything- he started feeling this way when he learned about his father. But that was about the time when he entered the phase of peer acceptance being so important.
  6. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My kids LOVE "White and Nerdy." Actually, they love everything by Weird Al.

    Then again, my kids are nerds, as I was. In fact, I was in HS during the "Happy Days" era and was quickly dubbed a "Nerdette."

    I don't think listening to Weird Al is a bad thing. Have you ever heard "I shop on e-bay?" It's one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

    I think it was easier to be a nerd or an Aspie years ago because society was less up-tight about being conformist. I was a strange girl because I brought books to parties and sat in the corner and read while everyone else played Spinned the Bottle but I still got invited to the parties.

    The sad part is that kids feel such a need to fit in that they change who they are.