Just Got Another Phone Call...... GHG hates her life but not enough to quit drinking

[onlyone]

Again tonight- another drunken phone call about how awful ghg's life is. She says she can't stop drinking because she fears another seizure from alcohol withdrawal. She has had at least 3 over the past few years, so I don't doubt that is the case. The problem is, she is 28 and has been a hard-core, non-functional alcoholic for the past 10 years. It seems to never end. I told her she needs medical detox- but she says 'can't' because she would have to leave her apartment. Now she says she can't leave because she is 'agorophobiic'. This is a new one. It is another conversation in circular logic. She also asks- again- to come home to live with us. We have tried this many times, but it has never worked out. She does fine while here, when we are paying for everything, but then immediately goes back to drinking when she leaves here. Drinking meaning: unconscious, non-functional, loses job, drinks 24/7. She refuses rehab, counseling, medical help, AA. She just wants to live here- and when she does, she is able to stay sober, but is miserable and treats us like we are an annoyance- in our own home. She likes the comfort here- cable TV, good food, free washer/dryer, furniture, rides to wherever she needs to go (doesn't have to take the bus as she usually does as she has neither car nor license). We have told her we will help her only when she is willing to go into a rehab/detox program. This she refuses to do.
I heard a male voice in the background when she called today- She said it was just a guy saying he will pay her bills, not to worry, etc etc. My ghg says 'don't worry, mom- I'm not prostituting myself'. Well- why would a guy pay her bills and bring her alcohol so she can remain non-functional unless something was expected? We are not idiots. How else is her rent being paid? At lease she has not children.
Hope this doesn't sound too 'out there'--- but this is really the life my ghg is living. Guy after guy, never - ever- sober.
It is heartbreaking. I am working on detachment- and usually doing pretty well. But when she calls, she always says: 'Mommy, can't I come home to live?' We won't allow that again- but I do think of what could have been- what should have been.
Thank you for all the support you all provide. I know I am not the only one.

 

[Nancy]

What about having the court appoint a guardian over her? If she is non functional she really needs to be in some supportive environment, group home, halfway house or something. It's so sad that until she commits a crime she will just fall hrough the cracks. I agree that coming home should not be an option.

 

[comatheart]

Oh man, I'm so sorry.

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with Nancy . . . letting her come home doesn't fix the problem and just makes you and your family miserable. I can so relate to what you are saying. My difficult child would demand to watch whatever shows that she wanted to watch even if it kept husband and me from watching what we wanted to watch. If we reminded her who was paying the bills, she would act rudely to us. She also would never help us clean and thought it was a big deal if she managed to put her plate into the dishwasher.

Your difficult child definitely sounds like she needs medical detox. Even if you let her come home and she stopped drinking, it sounds like she could have a seizure at home.

How does she pay the rent for the apartment that she is living in now? My difficult child finally agreed to rehab and a halfway house when we got a temporary restraining order to get her out or our house and she had no where to live. We used an interventionist to help us through that process.

~Kathy

 

[onlyone]

Thanks so much for the suggestions and support--- I know my difficult child needs medical detox, but unless she commits a crime or is threatening suicide or homicide, she can't be committed against her will. As far as guardianship goes, that is not possible either without her consent or a medical doctor or mental health MD declaring her incompetent- and due to legal issues, it is impossible to find anyone to go that far. Alcohol is legal to purchase and use- so there is no way to get her into treatment or get guardianship over her due to her alcohol abuse.
Today..... got her to the ER and she reluctantly agreed to go to detox. She was very intoxicated, but called me and said she would go. She called me 'Mommy'. This is the first time in years she agreed to go for some type of treatment. Within the 1/2 hour wait in the ER, she decided she didn't want to stay, she had to leave, so walked out and said she was going to walk back to her apartment. As she was severely intoxicated, she likely would have collapsed or fell into the street where she would have been run over. I tried to detain her, but she started screaming. She said she was going to call 911- which I encouraged her to do as they could have arrested her for public intoxication. They could have made her go to the community detox (drunk tank). She then did not make the call, but started to scream she was being beaten. The hospital security came outside and said they could not do anything- they can't force her to stay. They said they see this all the time- that 'it is a tough situation'. They offered community service flyer that had rehab places listed. They were very kind there, but said there was nothing anyone could do as long as she refuses treatment. I took her back to her apartment. On the way there she kept yelling at me and trying to jump out of the car at every red light.
So...... different day, but same old story. I highly suspect the extreme alcohol use has caused some kind of psychosis- but right now, no way to get help for her.
I do not know how my daughter pays rent. She has no income but $200 a month in food stamps. Her rent is $450, plus an electric bill. In the past, some guy or other pays her rent. I suspect this is still the case. She is attractive, but now down to maybe 100 pounds. She is 5'7". She lives in a building where there are a lot of people on disability and welfare. Seems like there is always some guy that she latches onto. I do not ask about her bills. I really don't want to know. She has told me many, many things over the past 10 years that I wish I did not know.
So--- I am back to working on detachment. Without her wanting help, there is nothing I can do. Her alcoholism and probably mental health issues are in control.
Thank you all again for your support. It is so sad to see a wasted life.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Onlyone, I am so very sorry. All any of us can do under those circumstances is learn how to detach. And, I am profoundly aware of how heartbreaking and difficult that is. Sometimes our adult kids leave us no other choice.

There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment which may be of some help to you.

I too have a grown daughter with mental issues who won't get help. I have no idea how she pays her bills either. Like you, we've tried allowing her to live here temporarily but it can't work, she has little regard for anyone else.

Detaching from my daughter's choices has been a very difficult path for me. My best advice to you would be to get yourself as much support as you can........I had private therapy, a parent support group facilitated by a therapist, 12 step groups and I contacted NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have excellent courses for parents) When we become acutely aware of our powerlessness and lack of control to be able to help our kids, it is so challenging for us that many of us require professional support.

We have to take the focus off of them, off of their lives and their choices and put that focus on ourselves so we can retrieve our lives. Little by little I gained momentum in that and remarkably, I am once again joining life. All the support was what pushed me from despair, guilt and fear over to a sense of well being. It wasn't easy, but when faced with the utter powerlessness, there really is no other choice which will remove you from all of that suffering.

Many here recite the serenity prayer which offers some solace.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

It helps to keep posting. I'm glad you found us. I wish you peace.

 

[lovemysons]

onlyone,
What a painful day you experienced with your daughter.
I just wanted you to know I'm saying a prayer for you both.
The powerlessness we feel from those we love who are addicted is a very difficult place to be...
I so hope your daughter will reach out for the help she needs soon.

Thinking of you,
LMS

 

[GoingNorth]

I don't have any experience with children in this situation, but my sister is a functional alcoholic and recovering coke addict. She basically substituted alcohol for coke.

She seems to function OK, but I remember years of watching this and being powerless as my mother was in denial and my father was too deep in his bipolar to take a really active role.

I got to the point with my sister where I drew some firm lines around my heart and didn't let her in. I did it for sheer self-preservation. No matter how hard I tried; no matter how much I wanted to help her...I couldn't and all trying was doing was tearing my life apart.

She re-initiated contact about 6 months ago and I talk to her weekly. It is always an hour of "what is going on with her, while I make appropriate noises. I don't know if she's still drinking or not actually, I know she still keeps it in the house as she offered me a beer or three when I last visited and that despite her knowing that I was had driven my mother to her house for the visit.

I care about her, but I can't let her get too close without her sucking my brains out.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite coming from a position of lack of comparable experience, that you have to get to the point where you save yourself.

I do know that she HAS to go through medical detox. For her to quit on her own would be possibly lethal. People have died of acute alcohol withdrawal.

Sadly, she's the only one who can make the decision to seek help quitting and to stay sober.

 

[toughlovin]

Onlyone, I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I can totally relate.... and we also have made the decision to not let my son live at home either. He actually is sitting in jail because he has no where else to go (and of course has legal troubles to boot which is why he is in jail). The one thing about jail is that it is keeping him sober which is a positive thing.
So yes detachment is key. Getting support for us and from an alanon group can be huge. I am not sure where I would be without the parents alanon group I go to.
I am wondering about your options. I know where I live it is possible to get someone committed for substance abuse issues if the substances are causing serious enough problems. It means going to court and going through the process to commit them but ti is doable and I am wondering if you could do that in your state? It is different than getting them committed for mental health reasons.
But of course the reality is I am not sure help works unless the addict themselves really wants help. And it is so excrutiating to wait until that point happens. And part of it is to let them face the consequences of their addiction.... for us this meant letting our son (who was 20) at the time be homeless on the streets for several months. In fact we had to do that more than once..... and right now I need to keep reminding myself that jail is better for him than the streets.

TL

 

[AppleCori]

So sorry for your daughter and you!

Hope she will wake up soon.

 

[in a daze]

Quote: She was very intoxicated, but called me and said she would go. She called me 'Mommy'. This is the first time in years she agreed to go for some type of treatment. Within the 1/2 hour wait in the ER, she decided she didn't want to stay, she had to leave, so walked out and said she was going to walk back to her apartment. As she was severely intoxicated, she likely would have collapsed or fell into the street where she would have been run over. I tried to detain her, but she started screaming. She said she was going to call 911- which I encouraged her to do as they could have arrested her for public intoxication. They could have made her go to the community detox (drunk tank). She then did not make the call, but started to scream she was being beaten. The hospital security came outside and said they could not do anything- they can't force her to stay. They said they see this all the time- that 'it is a tough situation'. They offered community service flyer that had rehab places listed. They were very kind there, but said there was nothing anyone could do as long as she refuses treatment.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, Only One. I am just amazed that the hospital let an intoxicated person out on their own. It really sounds to me like she met the standard of being a danger to herself, and others if she had the keys to a car. They put a 72 hour hold on my son, but he ended up signing himself in after all. I am thinking that different parts of the country interpet the laws in different ways.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...not-enough-quit-drinking-55423/#ixzz2iK5jsXeb