I just got back from visiting my son in his residential treatment center in another state. He is doing very well. Very well. But then when I got back I reread his psychiatric evaluations from over the years, since he was 13 and changed so drastically. I am not sure my son has a conscience anymore. But he is still a teenager and can be very sweet. I am trying to reach his therapist to talk to her. I cried all night and went to work today exhausted and my eyes all puffy. He is very introverted and guarded, but smiled and laughed with staff, which was so great to see. He is 17 and a half. He seems to have no real awareness of why he is at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he wants to get out, but being told he had psychosis (not anymore) didn't seem to bother him at all. Or the diagnosis "schizophreniform" (since discarded) just another annoying thing from doctors. I had two days with him. Mostly, he wanted me to drive around. So we did. I just drove him around; the first day we talked a lot, the second day we mostly listened to Pink Floyd, and he seemed to get sad. He said he was having a good time, helping him forget where he was. I just don't understand. On his father's side of the family, there is a lot - A LOT - of people with multiple prison terms, rap sheets, etc. He was never exposed to them. And he had a head injury. And I divorced his dad and that was a long and bitter divorce. His father regularly blames me for ruining his life, on and on. I am rambling here, but maybe it is time for me to face things. But I am not sure what i am facing? How do I proceed? I am going to go to NAMI Basics as soon as there is a class near me.