Just had son arrested.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Deerhunter71, Dec 19, 2013.

  1. Deerhunter71

    Deerhunter71 New Member

    My son is 23 and livi at home. Last year, we had him in rehab, which he was kicked out of for failing a drug test. We go him back home and he seemed cleaned up. Last night my wife's jewelry was missing, he admitted to selling it for cash for drugs. It was the last straw. I had him arrested due to the value of the jewelry. He has a DUI trial pending, and can't keep a steady job. My wife and I are at wits end, and I am looking for assurance I did the right thing. As a back note, he has had problems with the law since he was 15. Bail, fines, court, restitution, theft from us prior, pawning his and our things. My wife sees a therapist now, and I just want him to get the help he needs. Is there anything else I can do?
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  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome deerhunter, I am glad you found us. I am sorry you are going through this with your son. Many of us here have been in similar shoes. It's not easy, but yes, I think you did the right thing.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. Usually, by the time we find this site, we have all already done everything we possible can for our adult kids. I'm sure you have too. It is part of our parental love for our kids that keeps us looking and looking for more that WE can do, when in reality it is entirely up to your son.

    You are allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his choices. That is real life. Anything other then that would be enabling him which in essence as someone here just recently pointed out, is disabling them.

    Of course you want him to get the help he needs. Unfortunately, until HE wants help, nothing will happen. He is an adult male who has made some serious bad choices and it looks like now is the time for him to face those choices.

    You did the right thing. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here.

    There will be others along who are well versed in substance abuse................wishing you peace of mind.............
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with RE. It is time that your difficult child learns once and for all that there are serious consequences for his behavior and he will realize he can't do these things to you. I regret now not pressing charges when my difficult child stole from us.

    by the way, welcome to the SA corner of the CD board. You have found a place where we have all been through what you are dealing with and many of us are still struggling with what to do in situations that involve our substance abusing adult kids.

    Others will be along to welcome you and give you advice. Keep posting . . . you will find incredible support and understanding here.

  4. Deerhunter71

    Deerhunter71 New Member

    Thank you for the kind words. It is a struggle. I have the words of wisdom and comfort for my wife, but it is hard to listen to ones own advice. I thank you for the support, encouragement, and outlook. I am still learning the lingo, so please be patient with me, and I will keep updating. If for nothing else, just piece of mind to process the situation internally.

  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    J, I just read your signature and hadn't realized you were dealing with a difficult child with a heroin addiction. I understand your fears as my difficult child went down that path. She OD'd on our living room couch and my husband found her in the nick of time. He kept her alive with chest compressions until the EMT's got there and gave her Narcan to bring her back around.

    It was at that point that we turned to an Interventionist who helped us get our difficult child out of our home (we had to go to family court and get a temporary protection order based on her bringing heroin into our house). Once our difficult child realized that she had to leave, she agreed to go to a 3-month residential treatment center in another state. She is still living and working there.

    We made it very clear with the help of her treatment team that coming back to live with us was not an option. I think that you and your wife are going to have to come to that realization at some point. Everyone gets to that point at a different time but most of us have come to realize that letting our drug using adult kids live at home just enables them to live comfortably while using. My therapist said that we were indirectly supplying our difficult child with drugs by letting her live in our house so she could spend her money on drugs and alcohol rather than living expenses.

    Check the laws in your state. Many say that you have to give your adult child an eviction notice and follow the eviction process even if they do not pay you rent. That is the law in my state and my difficult child knew it and threw it in our faces when we tried to kick her out. That is why we had to go the route of getting a TPO.

    It goes against every fiber of our being to throw out our children fearing that they will end up homeless and hungry. Amazingly, it seems like every difficult child on this board managed to land on their feet. They are amazingly resourceful when they have to be.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there, Deerhunter and I'm so sorry you had to join us, but you'll get a lot of support here. I think you not only did the right thing, but that you should schedule a time for when he either leaves your house or goes into rehab and really tries to get clean. If he doesn't or isn't, he can't stay. I turned my daughter into the cops when she was fifteen and all she was doing at the time, to my knowledge, was smoking pot. I did it because I wanted to get the 35 year old man who had sold it to her, but that was not the last time she was busted for drugs and it wasn't me the other times. I'm not sorry I turned her in.

    It does not help to try to help (if that makes sense). Our grown kids only change when they WANT to change. A warm bed, good food, our love, our begging them not to use drugs, interventions, etc. do not work until your adult child WANTS to change. When my daugher, who started drugs at age twelve, wanted to quit, she was living with her grown brother. We had told her she had to leave and she called him. He is a straight arrow and told him she'd be out in the cold without his remorse if she so much as lit up a cigarette in his house and he made her get a job (she had no car so she had to walk) and to clean the house sometimes and cook. She did quit everything, even the cigarettes! I often think the difference between my grown kid and us is that she knew we'd waffle and feel guilty and she knew that her brother wouldn't put up with even one transgression. There would be no second chances. She quit without going to rehab. She got a job. She met a fairly nice guy that she is still with (ten years later) and she went back to college.

    If you are struggling, you should try to take care of yourself and your wife. Get help. Go to therapy. Attend Nar-Anon meetings. Go to NAMI classes (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). Your son has got to grow up and decide that this life is not for him. And he won't if you are picking up his pieces.

    We parents calling emotionally pulling away from our grown kid's drama...detachment. It is a good coping skill for those of us with self-destructive adult children.

    I hope you keep posting.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to pretend I know the best way to handle things, but I can say that our son (18) stole from us multiple times this past year, often in ways that he was bound to get caught...pawning things that were in plain site and frequently used! The last time we told him, if ONE more thing goes missing, as little as a DVD, we will call the police. And we will. It may well kill me to do it, but it's his choice to make. So yes. You did what we would do in the same situation. Perhaps this will get him the help he needs.
  8. Huff

    Huff Member

    Deer hunter

    Welcome to the forum. Is am also new here but the few days I have been here has been very helpfull I a a stepdad to a 26 year old stepson. And found out Monday he stole from me my wife and I are divorcing. So I did not involve the law so close to Christmas I will tell her after and decide what to do. So I know how you feel. I have let the years of of affect my health and my my judgement of doing the right thing. I am also an avid hunter and tried to get sis involved but as time passed it was impossible to get him interested in anything and believe me I tried. All of his problems were always blamed on me, and it was starting to believe that was true. Then I found this site and I know I haves long ways to go to deal with the guilt I now know different. Hang in there and if you ever need to talk I will be here of and on and will listen as well as vent I know how good if feels to to type a post here and hear back from people that are living the same as I am.
    Keep posting it helps me to post and helps a lot to read all the post
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome J. We had to call the police on our daughter many times between the ages of 14-19. She was in court several times for delinquency, underage drinking, drug use, shoplifting, etc. We decided we were going to lose her if we didn't do something drastic. She went to rehab for 60 days, IOP for six weeks and relapsed. Kicked her out of the hosue and she lived with a heroin addict neighbor kid for six weeks until she begged to come home. We said no and told her to find a sober house which she did. She stayed there six months and has now been living on her own for two years and now with her boyfriend and his 5 year old daughter. She no longer uses drugs but does drink, which is a slippery slope but so far has managed to keep her job and be very responsible.

    Everyone has to do what they feel is necessary to save their child. Heroin is a horrible addiction. My daughter has lost over six friends she was in rehab with who all died from a heroin overdose, one on Christmas Eve two years ago. She just told me today that she is very grateful she never did heroin and realizes she would probably be dead now.

    Whatever you decide to do make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Our difficult children can bring us to our knees and destroy a marriage and family quickly. It's important that your son knows you are in agreement and support each other.

    This is a difficult time of year for those struggling with addiction. Try to find a support group in your area. If you don't feel comfortable with NA try Families Anonymous. Our FA group is awesome, we even laugh in our meetings.

    I'm gladyou found this group, we know what you are going through and we are all here to listen and help support you.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Deerhunter! I like your user name because my family are avid hunters.

    Yes you did the right thing. I cant tell you how many times I have called the cops on my son and I actually pressed felony charges against him when he was 21. I wish I could say all is rosy now but its not. He did do well for quite a while though. for 6 years he did pretty well. Things have changed though and I have now pretty much detached from his life outside of being mother and son. I wont help him with things other than maybe coming to dinner once in awhile. He dropped by today and ate with us but then went on his way. I probably wont see him again until Xmas which is okay with me.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is better you call the police now than have him go stealing from other houses where there might be guns protecting families. You calling the police saved his life.

    sent from mobile phone
  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You definately did the right thing. It's hard to do, I know. When you don't tolerate his behavior any longer is when he will stop. My son had ODD, was violent, stole, refusd to work, etc...... w
    e got a restraining order against him. It's hard, we didn't know how it would play out, it's hearbreaking on so many fronts. You get to the point when there is nothing more you can do, in fact certain things make it worse.
  13. Deerhunter71

    Deerhunter71 New Member

    He is still incarcerated. His calls have been flooding in. Everything from 'sorry' to 'just drop the charges' to 'I was going to try therapy'. He is facing 4 months plus rehab to 7 months. He is trying every angle on my wife. The 'they stole my food' to 'I can't sleep' and 'I'll never be able to get a job with a felony.' I think she is close to caving, but I remind her to be strong. I have gotten her to her therapist and she has gone to her pastor. I know it's the right thing, but it is still tough. Any advice on how to help my wife stay strong? She knows its the right thing, but she told me that when she hears his voice, she see's that freckle faced little boy she once had.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would take her to a Nar-Anon meeting where she can hear what happened to other parents when they gave in. If she rescues him this time, he'll just end up in jail again and you're out money. It isn't going to do anything other than to think mom is a soft touch and will always get him out of trouble. Maybe she will...until he REALLY screws up and she can't.

    I would put up a strong front against allowing him to live at home again if he gets out.
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Limit your contact with him while he's busy manipulating and doing whatever he believes it will take to have you get him out. Write up all the horrible stuff he's done, the stealing, lying, hurting, all of it and post it near the phone you use when he calls. Answer one call out of 5 (or 10, depending on how desperate he is). Remember he WILL lie and say ANYTHING to get out...........don't buy any of it. Past behavior predicts future behavior unless someone does something to change it................and going to jail is not him changing it, it's him paying for his behavior. This is the consequence to HIS choices. You don't have to do anything at all and nor should you.

    You may want to have your wife read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here............
  16. Deerhunter71

    Deerhunter71 New Member

    Thank you. This site is quite helpful. Especially seeing that we are not alone in this type of situation. I'm sending my wife a link to this sight. I think it would be helpful for her as well. Thank you all for the support.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Remind your wife that you are trying to save his life. There was a time when I thought being in jail would be better than living on the street or with a heroin addict. If this is his first offense they will probably plead it down. If he is serious about geting help he can turn this around. I know it's hard, I cried myself to sleep many nights. It does get easier.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Some places have drug court where they will deal with him differently.

    I remember all those phone calls from jail where I believed my son when he promised the world to me. It never worked out. I think I got him to two psychiatrist appts but never anything else. All the other promises were empty. If your wife really wants to do something, tell her she can put a little money on his account or find out if she can send him books. Jails have different rules from one to another.
  19. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    you've gotten some really good advice from others on this thread. Please, please hold the line. I'm worried now about your wife as the loose cannon. It is so so hard to deal with our own parental distress, and the cure to it is right in sight...step in! save the day! help the boy! be the loving parent we have always been!

    but that won't work here.

    my 19 year old is in jail too. He calls me 5, 6, 7, times a day. I could post bail and have him out on Thursday. He promises to pay me back take his medications, work with a caseworker, give me his bankcard (he gets SSI) to pay me back....

    I want to hear it all. He didn't have freckles, but he was chubby with big bear paws and he had a face-splitting smile. I remember all that very very clearly. It hurts my heart. But that kid wasn't in jail....this man is. He got himself there. He walked a clear path that was going to end up in jail and voila. Nothing magic happened. He seems surprised and feels wronged, but actually it all worked out predictably.

    And that is what is happening with your son. It is hard to get a job with a felony, but that is water under the bridge...he is a felon. He steals and uses hard drugs. That is on him. He can still go to therapy. all his promises can be fulfilled...once he meets the expectations of our society, serves his time, holds up his end. Your wife bailing him out would be infantalizing him, demeaning him, and keeping him in this awful state if irresponsbilibilty longer. Because, Deerhunter, if she does that, he WILL use again, steal again, and go back to jail. They get worse, they don't get better, when we try to spare them the consequences of their actions. That is just the truth.

    Please tell your wife I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for her images of the freckled boy. I'm sorry for my images of my sweet baby with his smile and his hugs. Its OK to feel that grief. She can sit with it, feel it, hold the pain in her hands right in front of her heart, see it for what it is. Grief, loss, guilt, pain. It isn't something that will be fixed by interfering with his process. It is something for her to live through and manage. When we learn to suffer well we suffer less. She has to allow her suffering without the tempation to cut it short by doing the wrong thing. Her compulsion to help him is the same as his addiction to heroin...it'll feel great for a moment, then it all sucks again.

    I am also sorry for you as stepdad. That is a hard place, and her hurt can turn to anger at you for any choices you've made that she can perceive as hurting her boy, now or in the past. My SO was in that position with his wife (hahaha he is drawn to women who are trying to save their sons.....that is HIS addiction). He held strong and she could then blame him when he son hurled accusations at her. Her son is kind of an a** but he has a job, has been married for going on 10 years now, goes to parent teacher meetings for his own son and step son....I do not think that would have happened if SO hadn't held the line of not allowing unacceptable behavior, and not rescuing him (he is addicted to helping women, mostly, I think, although he has tried too to help my son within limits)

    Good luck to you. Welcome here. I usually post on parents emeritus, becuase my son seems to fit better there with his lifelong history of mental illness, but he has substance abuse too, so I'll start watching this page as well.

  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Welcome Deerhunter..... and I do hope your wife will check out the site. Finding some kind of support group in real life can be hugely helpful. We go to a parents alanon group which made a huge difference to me. We are also now going to another group for parents where my son is at. It is so helpful to meet other nice good people who have kids who are drug addicts....it really helps you see that it is not your fault... it just is.

    I definitely think you did the right thing. Sometimes the court system is the best option although in the beginning that can be hard to believe. My son has been in and out of rehabs that we have paid for..... and he has left or been kicked out. We had taken the stand that we would help him when he wanted help, but not help when he didn't. I discovered through this process that I much prefer him in jail than on the streets....at least when he is in jail I could sleep some!

    Eventually my son got arrested and into drug court here. He is just 22. We made it clear he could not live at home which was a hard stand to take but necessary. It took awhile, and some time in jail, but they finally got him into a long term residential program that we are not paying for! It is a great program and very strict and it is all on him. We are invovled in the parent support group and go visit him but we are not responsible for any of it! He has not signed releases for us to talk to the treatment team and I have realized that this is on him he is now an adult and so his treatment is really his responsibility! So I dont need to know... although yes I am very curious!! He does have us listed as his emergency contact so that they will contact us if he leaves and that is all I need.

    At this point I have realized it really has to be up to him and there is nothing I can do but wait and see and take it one day at a time. And really that is true for all of us, including you and your wife. It is a very hard road and one that many of us are on.