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Substance Abuse
Just needing some support today, please
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 750108" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I read this through and I fear I might be harsh. Let me say here, that I am sending you support. But I am supporting you to please, please remember that you deserve kindness and care. And that you matter, too. This is not only about your son's needs and feelings. You matter here, too. Please don't think I am judging or that I don't understand how your heart hurts. And that I don't understand how hard this is. Anybody here will tell you how confused I become and how hard for me it is to not rescue my son. And how I will ignore any pain and distress to myself, to do so. But this does not make it right. So here goes.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">My son has been homeless for the better part of 8 years. I have put him out a number of times. Many of the things you feel, I have felt and feel.</span></p><p>There are several (faulty) assumptions here. One. You are taking responsibility here for two sides of a relationship. By saying you have abandoned him, you erase altogether what precipitated it, what he did, said, how he acted, you erase. You responded to specific events, behaviors and conditions. You did not abandon him. He is an adult. He has free will. He is conscious and capable. He can change behavior. He is responsible for his words and his deeds.</p><p></p><p>Next. The self-blame. That you blame yourself for protecting yourself and home from his troubles, how they spill over, and the hurt to you. Where is it written that any adult need be destroyed by another? Where their home and their space need be compromised. Why would you have to suffer him and his problems, ongoing. Why should your calm be sacrificed? Where is it that you should martyr yourself to an adult who is behaving irresponsibly, be sullied by his bad behavior, by cruelty, criminality or destructive behavior?</p><p>Of course it hurts. Who here made the choice to behave as he has? Who is it that acted in such a way to cut off this support? What about holding him responsible?</p><p></p><p>Finally. If he forged your name on a document, that you be responsible for his bills, this is indeed a crime. Just as I am not responsible for credit taken out in my name due to identity theft, I don't see how you are responsible that your name seems to have been forged by your son. This is a criminal act.</p><p></p><p>He cannot be protected from this, and you cannot be and should not be destroyed.</p><p></p><p>Your son seems to want to be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. And you are struggling with the impulse to take this on. To take on his terms. That he both victimize you and perpetrate against you and that you protect him and shelter him while he does so.</p><p></p><p>I am not judging you. This is what we do. But it is wrong. It is wrong for you and it is wrong for him. The correct thing, in my view, is that your son take responsibility for his life, his misdeeds, and the consequences of same. In this way there is a chance he can change. What is correct, for you, is that you grieve for the time you need and realize that your child is an adult and needs to grow up to be a good man. Sheltering him now will not help him. This is not your fault and it is not your responsibility.</p><p></p><p>He needs to clean this up. He needs to become safe for you to be around. He is the only one that can do this. If he can become safe to you, and he cleans things up, that's a different situation. We can take on some of this. We should not allow ourselves to be hurt or eaten alive. And most of all we should not eat ourselves alive, because we want to be safe from our children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 750108, member: 18958"] [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I read this through and I fear I might be harsh. Let me say here, that I am sending you support. But I am supporting you to please, please remember that you deserve kindness and care. And that you matter, too. This is not only about your son's needs and feelings. You matter here, too. Please don't think I am judging or that I don't understand how your heart hurts. And that I don't understand how hard this is. Anybody here will tell you how confused I become and how hard for me it is to not rescue my son. And how I will ignore any pain and distress to myself, to do so. But this does not make it right. So here goes. My son has been homeless for the better part of 8 years. I have put him out a number of times. Many of the things you feel, I have felt and feel.[/COLOR][/LEFT] There are several (faulty) assumptions here. One. You are taking responsibility here for two sides of a relationship. By saying you have abandoned him, you erase altogether what precipitated it, what he did, said, how he acted, you erase. You responded to specific events, behaviors and conditions. You did not abandon him. He is an adult. He has free will. He is conscious and capable. He can change behavior. He is responsible for his words and his deeds. Next. The self-blame. That you blame yourself for protecting yourself and home from his troubles, how they spill over, and the hurt to you. Where is it written that any adult need be destroyed by another? Where their home and their space need be compromised. Why would you have to suffer him and his problems, ongoing. Why should your calm be sacrificed? Where is it that you should martyr yourself to an adult who is behaving irresponsibly, be sullied by his bad behavior, by cruelty, criminality or destructive behavior? Of course it hurts. Who here made the choice to behave as he has? Who is it that acted in such a way to cut off this support? What about holding him responsible? Finally. If he forged your name on a document, that you be responsible for his bills, this is indeed a crime. Just as I am not responsible for credit taken out in my name due to identity theft, I don't see how you are responsible that your name seems to have been forged by your son. This is a criminal act. He cannot be protected from this, and you cannot be and should not be destroyed. Your son seems to want to be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. And you are struggling with the impulse to take this on. To take on his terms. That he both victimize you and perpetrate against you and that you protect him and shelter him while he does so. I am not judging you. This is what we do. But it is wrong. It is wrong for you and it is wrong for him. The correct thing, in my view, is that your son take responsibility for his life, his misdeeds, and the consequences of same. In this way there is a chance he can change. What is correct, for you, is that you grieve for the time you need and realize that your child is an adult and needs to grow up to be a good man. Sheltering him now will not help him. This is not your fault and it is not your responsibility. He needs to clean this up. He needs to become safe for you to be around. He is the only one that can do this. If he can become safe to you, and he cleans things up, that's a different situation. We can take on some of this. We should not allow ourselves to be hurt or eaten alive. And most of all we should not eat ourselves alive, because we want to be safe from our children. [/QUOTE]
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