Just needing to vent-sorry long

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Dec 27, 2010.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Something's gotta give!

    I think husband and I are both ready to go back to work-right now the week ahead seems more like a punishment than a relief.-

    difficult child is so 24/7 right now. He constantly needs to be around us and can't or won't do anything independently.The few times we have gone out-like to boot camp-we are bombarded with phone calls. husband are trying to tag team but it just isn't enough. difficult child doesn't stop talking, arguing, pleading, begging. He is rude and swearing like a sailor one moment and the next moment talking in a baby voice and acting like a 3 year old. He cries easily. He is also waking up super early-before 4:00 (3 of the last 4 days).

    He doesn't stop even when he see's we're near the edge. The only good news is even though he is threatening violence he is not following through (other than the "accidental" bumping into me). It doesn't help that it's the end of the month and we don't have a lot of $ to do take him places. Not even sure how much that helps as it is just a change of scenery and he still acts the same way. My patience is almost non existent right now (which really isn't a good thing)! Oh how I miss having respite!!

    The other thing we are dealing with is his inappropriate "touching". He hugs husband or me and will touch husband in his private area and has touched me on my breasts on several occasions. He will also walk by us and slap us lightly on our butts. We've told him this is sexual harassment. The last time he touched me inappropriately I really lost it verbally and it's been three days since he has done it.

    Today I was getting the shower set up for him (long story but he won't get in unless one of us gets the water going for him) and he started dancing and shaking his naked body. Even though we tell him this is inappropriate it is like he truly doesn't get it. He thinks he is being funny and cute. When he is like this he is acting like he is a 5 year old.

    Then he has sweet moments-like as I'm sitting here typing this I mentioned I was cold and he went and got a blanket and covered me up. My head is spinning from all of his moods.

    easy child/difficult child is not helping matters with difficult child. She is completely crabby and grouchy with everyone right now. Mostly she isolates herself and when we ask her to do something the answer is always a rude no. I actually think she has us more stressed out than difficult child.

    Tonight I made a dinner we all liked and still there was arguing. At one point I was in the living room and husband was still at the table. The two difficult children were arguing so much I put my hands over my ears to help block it out (I know not a great coping strategy) and I looked over and poor husband had his head down and his hands over his face.

    Thank goodness we still have our warped sense of humor. husband told me to call up my friend whose house we are having dinner at tomorrow and ask if we could come over around noon to help. At least we will get out tomorrow night with-o the kids!

    If you've made it this far thanks for listening to me vent!
  2. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    That was a good vent. I read it carefully in your honor.

    I can also relate to easy child/difficult child being even more stress than difficult child. I remember I was pretty stunned on the first occasion that I realized that gfg13 was causing more stress than his older brother. Really freaked me out.

    Jo xxooxxox
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Whatever - it worked!

    Sometimes you just have to go over and over what is appropriate and what is not. Generally I would avoid any shame or "it's dirty" line, but just a calm, "That's inappropriate; instead, do this," may work better. If you make him "do over" and do it nicely, you are re-patterning the behaviour pattern into something acceptable.

    For example, a slap on the behind from him - "Come back here. Say sorry for hitting. Now say sorry for touching me there. Now, why did you do that? Were you trying to show affection? Then the right way to do that is to give me a hug. Now, give me a hug. OK, you can go do what you were doing now."
    A pat on the shoulder as he goes past is acceptable.

    It's also important to make sure nobody is doing that sort of thing to him, because these kids often dish out what is done to them, because it sets an example. Not always, obviously.

    I used to have a boss who would pat me on the rear as he said, "We don't have any sexual harassment in the workplace here, do we darl?"
    I knew I couldn't formally complain; he was "only joking". So I began to sexually harass my work colleagues back - I found some nude male pictures and stuck them up on the walls. There were no actual "naughty bits" showing (this actually made it worse form the male point of view - the pics looked emasculated). Every time I got harassed or a naked lady picture went up, I would get another male centrefold on the wall. Or a sexist ant-male joke. The guys got the message, fast.

    If I had got offended or angry, it would have escalated the sexual war. But by keeping it light (but firm) and definitely not with any sense of fear, disgust or loathing, the blokes in my workplace accepted me and my female oddness and learned to leave me alone. With the boss - for patting me on the rear, I patted him on his bald head and commented that I would need to bring in my polishing rag... of course, you say this in front of the other workers, never alone.

    With any sexual harassment, never show fear or disgust. Boredom works better. Never let the harasser have the upper hand or feel powerful, strong or clever for what they have done.

  4. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    I think one of the hardest things is the feeling that it will NEVER end. And then, for some reason it does or there is a time when you surrounded by good friends and for a moment you get strength again. When difficult child was an infant someone said, wait for three months, the behavior will be gone and there will be a new one in it's place. That has held true for 15 years. So if all I have to do is hang on for three months I can do that. Have a good dinner with friends, that will help.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sharon, I'm really sorry.

    I know quite a few parents from CABF whose kids didn't do all that well on clazapine. In addition, Topamax is not a first-line mood stabilizer for the treatment of bipolar disorder (in fact, it's been proven ineffective in clinical trials for mood stabilization). Maybe it's time to try a new medication combo? I know you've tried a lot, but your difficult child sounds very hypersexual.

    Hugs. I hope you have a psychiatrist appointment coming up soon.
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    So sorry... No words of wisdom... Just want you to know I'm thinking of you... SFR
  7. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Boys that age do a lot of the locker-room towel slapping and copying athletes kind of thing, don't they? Could that be where he's learning some of this?
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry to hear this hasn't been a good vacation for you. It seems there should be a break for parents.
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I hope that today is a better day and that you have a good dinner with your friends. I find that a night out , away from the kids, always helps.

  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo-Thanks for reading the whole thing-told you it was long-lol! I think there should be a rule of no more than one difficult child per household or at least that they aren't allowed to act up at the same time!!

    Marg-Good ideas! We usually do it calmly and matter of fact but, I have to admit, at times I just get really frustrated and yell! I love how you handled things at your office!

    Ploof-You are so right about gaining the strength to keep going. I'm hoping dinner out tonight will help with that. It's why I miss having respite so much. I could handle pretty much anything as long as I knew I had that one weekend a month!

    SW-I hear you about the medications. The clozapine though has been the one medication that has really helped with his violence. The topamax seems to help with his moods and definitely with his stomach migraines. I'll ask psychiatrist at the next appointment in January what mood stabilizers there are that we haven't tried. I'm totally open to trying a new one. I agree he seems very hyper-sexual.

    SFR-Thank you!

    HaoZi-Not sure where he is getting it-even when he was very little he would get hyper-sexual at times. I know they don't shower at school but he does pick up on every little thing that the kids at school do even when he doesn't understand it!

    Fran-I agree-I've always tried to figure out a way to send the kids back to school before I have to go back and teach-lol.

    Sharon-Thanks for the hugs!

    Pam-I agree a night out should help!
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Maybe some of it has to do with the age? I have seen our easy child more interested in sexual things - I think it's the hormones. We also have a tendency to slap butts around here - all in good fun. We are a football family - maybe that is where it comes from...lol, but we certainly don't mean anything sexual by it at all!!

    I hope you both enjoy your time away....those moments become priceless in a world of insanity like ours.....shoot, husband and I enjoyed just going to Wal-Mart the other night to buy a vacuum! LOL
  13. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Sharon, I think it's hypersexuality as a symptom, along with rapid cycling, FWIW.

    In my experience we tend to underestimate hypersexuality as a symptom (his age doesn't help, of course). It happens a lot -- very very common with bipolar. The rapid cycling and hypersexuality sound bipolar-ish but I know we can't begin to diagnose these kids and I'm not trying to, just brainstorming solutions.

    Just my experience and gut feeling. Good luck.

  14. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I agree with SW and BM... he sounds very manic right now -- the hypersexuality, the incessant talking, the shorter sleep cycle -- all red flags to me. We went through that with difficult child 2 and it was awful, and to a lesser extent with difficult child 1. Are you sure you want to wait for the appointment in January to make the call for help? You could be using the time between now and then to try a medication adjustment or modification and have something to report on effectiveness by the time the appointment rolls around.

    Hugs to you Sharon, I know how exhausting he must be.
  15. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sharon, Topamax is more helpful with migraines than anything else so if it's helping with that, by all means leave it in the medication mix. I just think he needs more in the mood stabilization department than he's getting with his current combo. And I agree with gcvmom -- call the psychiatrist now. Why wait? You know something's not right.
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PatriotsGirl-husband and I like getting away even if it is to a store! Last night was lots of fun with lots of laughs.

    Jo-I agree that I think it is hyper-sexuality as a symptom.

    Gvcmom & Sw-I probably shouldn't wait til the January appointment. I think I'll wait to see how he does as he goes back to school-maybe getting back in a routine will help? If not I'll call early next week.
  17. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    In all honesty, I doubt a routine is going to fix what's going on with him. It can certainly help, but if he's THAT fragile and THAT easily destabilized, something more needs to be done. Even if the psychiatrist is not in the office this week, I would call and leave a message with the update and ask that he PLEASE advise asap. What I've been told about hypomania is that left unchecked, it can easily devolve into full-blown mania and make it harder to reign in the symptoms down the road.

    Hope he's a little calmer over the next few days.
  18. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    Did you steal my 10 yr old difficult child? Seriously, this is the source of my "save me" post earlier today. Exactly what the kids have been doing for the last 3 days, right now 3 yr old is squirming on my lap as we speak and Big B (10 yr old) will not do anything without one of us, even so much as demanded that we take him GT Racing on the hills NOW. Sheesh, what is it with the post holiday gimmies...
  19. hexemaus2

    hexemaus2 Old hand

    Sharon...I have a quiet room you're welcome to come use. :) difficult child 2 hasn't been violent in over two years now...but I still keep a deadbolt on my bedroom door. I don't need it to keep him away from us when he's raging anymore...but it sure does come in handy when I need a minute to just breathe. It's a solid wood core door and even my interior bedroom walls are insulted to dampen distracting noises. (My office is also attached to my bedroom...so it pays to have peace & quiet when I'm working.)

    I have found my little haven/quiet room is the absolute BEST place to hide from turbo-charged children who've lost their "off" button. :)

    My simpathies, dear. I know this is hard, and frustrating, and tiring, and frustrating, and worrisome, and frustrating. I wish I could do something to help...other than just say I understand and I feel for ya. ;)
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm just sending hugs i'm sorry that is very hard handle to handle i too would lose it. regardless of yes it's def part of his bipolar the hypersexuality it's just so difficult to deal with. i did it once when i was working in that in home crisis team and this boy was extremely hyper sexual id' walk in he'd grab me, than talk about porn with me he also loved reactions to it. you handled it well.

    hope appointment goes well whenever you do set it up. and keep that sense of humor!!! only thing that saves us at times!! :)