Just numb

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Heavy hearted, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    20 year old son released from prison in November 20 2017 after serving a year and was placed on 15 months probation. .
    We let him come back home. Offered to take him to get GED classes and pay for them. Payed insurance on vehicle for two months until he could find a job. He has court fines, restitution fees and probation fees that needed to be paid monthly. 5 months out, still no job. Wanting to party with friends, stay out all hours of the night knowing we had to get up for work the next morning. He went through a roadblock, was arrested for weed possession and paraphernalia. He bailed himself out. We went and signed for him and brought him back home. Next day, girlfriend came to the house and asked why he would jeopardize his probation with this kind of stuff. He claimed it was not his ( may have been...may not have been). We will never know. because he has lied so much. His Dad and I sat him down while his girlfriend was here and had "a come to Jesus meeting." Explained to him, we would still help him get on the right track. but one more incident and that would be it. He would have to move out. He agreed that no more problems would come up.......2 weeks later, got a call from police dpt saying my son was pulled over with friends...drinking and driving. He still is suffering from hip injuries in 2016 from a wreck that almost killed him because of drinking and driving. Luck has it, he was not arrested. He had taken my tahoe to have his joy ride without permission. He was not on our insurance, luckily he didn't kill anyone or wreck and injure himself or the friends riding with him. My son has been given so many chances. He does his best thinking after the fact. He was asked to move out ( this was the worst day of my life..... I thought) He cursed his father, told me that I had never taken up for him when his Dad would discipline him for wrong doing. So on, so on and so on. We did turn the title of his vehicle to him, made him get all of his belongings and asked him not to ever return to our house. We knew he had no where to go. He has couched surfed and finally moved in with girlfriend's Dad. Got a call from him yesterday telling me goodbye because he was probably going back to prison. He was going to job interview, got t boned by another vehicle. Well with no insurance, he got another ticket and has court in November. No vehicle, no job, and no money for his fines. He will have to serve his full fourteen years in prison at 20 years old. Girlfriend told me that he has been trying, no drugs or alcohol. He just has bad luck everytime he tries to better himself. My husband refuses to help him. I feel like I have been constantly torn between my husband and son for years now. My son blames his father ( calling him a military hardass) for the way he was disciplined as a child. I can't stand the thought of my young son going to prison for 14 years. I have cried until I just can't cry anymore. I did go see him yesterday and he has aged since he moved out. He has such sadness and hopelessness on his face. I am faithful and honest with my husband so I talked everything over with him and he refuses to give him another dime. We have actually paid out around $8000
    since he was 15 years old for tickets, previous run in with the law and hospital bill from wreck in 2016.I know this is lengthy, but I need help. God has gotten me through this so far. Right now I am at rock bottom emotionally. We still have a 23 year old that we are paying college tuition for. I want her to succeed in life and has never been any trouble besides the regular teenage things. I am so defeated right now that it's hard to make the corners of my mouth turn upward.
  2. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Heavy Hearted,

    I have such a similar story. Almost eerily. My son hates his father, my husband as well. My husband has gone to jail over trying to discipline his child and defend himself when son got violent. I also feel torn between.

    My son was also in serious legal trouble last year and strangely all charges were dropped. I don't understand it but I know he got a lease on life but he only squandered it. He's now back to couch surfing and doing all the things that got him in trouble in the first place. I went to visit him for lunch as well recently (there is a post about it), and he is still a very angry young man. It is his dad's fault for kicking him out (he threatened to kill his dad) and it is my fault for standing by while he was questioned about his recent actions - according to son.

    I also have a daughter, although she is younger (18). I took her to tour an esthetician school yesterday and she was so excited. I came home and cried because I've never seen that look in my son's eyes. This should be a happy time for us, we should be able to smile!

    No advice, but know you are not alone. If you want to talk, just pm me. I'm here.
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  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I never had a child in jail. My daughter was very lucky that way but when she screwed up with drugs we threw the book at her. Out with no money from us. She straightened out fast and has been clean of meth and coke for twelve years. I cried buckets for weeks the day we made her leave. She had a place to go but we all knew that even one cigarette in his house and she would be on the streets, that it was up to her. We did not, could not interfer. She quit even the cigarettes.

    Sometimes our help just keeps them doing wrong because they know we will rescue them. We had to learn this

    I dont know what to tell you but others will come by soon.

    Love and light!
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    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  4. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Also, I don't know what jurisdiction you are in, but you said you turned the title over to your son. Did he register the car in his name? We did that last year but if he doesn't register it in his name, then legally the car is still yours. They called us when it was impounded because it was still registered to us. It was a mess but we were able to 'abandon' or 'give' the car to the impound lot. By the time we were contacted the fees were worth more than the car.
  5. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    Praying that your situation get better. I haven't been on this site in a few months. I have forgotten how many parents are going through different , yet similiar situations with adult children. It helps me to read post from others. I keep thinking over and over in my head, what can I do. We may not even be alive when he is released. We had children in our 30's and my husband already had heart attack last year. I am drained emotionally.
  6. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I don't know the charges but if you are in the US, rest assured he will not serve out that entire sentence.
  7. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    The 1st time he got locked up, we now know we shouldn't have bailed him out. It's been a constant, painful and heartbreaking roller coaster ride for us. You made a hard decision, the right choice and so happy it was successful.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Heavy. I am so very sorry.

    I have only this to say.

    You are not alone.

    Son will do this. He will handle this and this will make him a man. He and only he can decide the kind of man he will be.

    This is what life is.

    We decide the people we want to be through our acts.

    When we as parents step in to carry our grown men son's we deprive them of the most important element of manhood: their conscious, ethical deciding and their responsibility for their acts.

    Our pain has no place in their story. That is in our own story. How we decide to bear it, what choices we make for us, what meaning we give it.

    I believe you are doing the right thing. Please think about staying with us for awhile. We understand and we care. Posting helps.
  9. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Heavy hearted, your story could almost be mine, with very few changes. I'm planning on giving a hard choice in just a few hours to my 20 year old. I can empathize Hugs
  10. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    Thank you for kind words. I have so much hurt and yes...anger building up inside me right now. Deep down, I wanted my husband to say...ok we'll pay his fines to keep him out of prison. I know we have reasons not to give or enable our son by paying his fines......but 14 years is soooo long.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Look heavy.

    I would want to pay fines, too. I am like you.

    But where would this stop?

    Look at this another way. Nobody is dead. Yet.

    But who knows next time?

    Son is not getting this. This is not working. If it were, there would be another conversation.

    Hubs has a point. It could be argued that paying the fines could be supporting a worse outcome. We just do not know.

    14 years is the worst case. They may give him no time. He could get some kind of diversion. Or treatment. probation. Or a year or two. this could save his life and the lives of others. Your husband did not cause this. your son made these choices. He did so with every opportunity handed him, to change course.

    This does not mean he deserves to suffer. But it means this is the reality HE is dealing with.

    Of course we do not want son to suffer unduly. But sometimes in life there is only the least of worst options. And sometimes the best of these is taking responsibility. Sometimes these guys real lives begin with stepping up.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing. None of us here ever want to see our children suffer no matter their age. It just goes against the mommy in is that wants to make everything in their world okay but we can't. We do not have super powers and even if we did, we shouldn't.
    Life is full of struggles and challenges. Some come upon us without notice and some we bring upon ourselves.
    My son is finishing another prison sentence. My husband and I have never bailed him out and we never will.
    I know your heart is breaking but please do not be hard on yourself. I would not allow a total stranger to abuse my trust so why would I from my own child?
    You offered your son a chance, a very generous chance and he snubbed it. He made a choice to go out and party. That's on him, not you. You nor your husband did this to him.
    This is a typical excuse. My son has also blamed me and my husband for everything that has gone wrong in his life. Here's the thing, we all have free will to choose how will live our lives. My son like yours has made very poor choices.
    During the time my husband and I were enabling our son he never "blamed" us but as soon as we stopped giving into him, well suddenly, everything was our fault.
    I've said it before, if love alone could save our children we wouldn't need this site. The sad truth is, we cannot save them. They are adults and the choices they make are theirs alone.
    I've been dealing with my son for close to 20 years, he's 36. I know that I wasted many years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to "help" him. I wish I had found this site when he was younger and I might have been able to detach sooner.
    This is just not an easy thing to deal with but you are here with people who understand and care.
    Be good to yourself. Self care is so important.
  13. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    It is hard! The choices we make are almost unbearable.. All of this going on in my life, has jeopardized my marriage, my job and the relationship with my daughter. I think ok.... enough is enough. I'm done, but then I remember the look on my son's face. So sad and full of hopelessness is what I witnessed. Made my heart ache to the point of no return. It's like I am mourning a living child.
    I would love to be able to give you some helpful advice, but I have none. We can try and maintain SOME of our sanity for our other loved ones that need us. This is also hard. It's tiresome to have all these wheels turning in my head. I feel like my head and heart are about explode from all the pain
    and sadness.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are. I went through this. I mourned all the hopes and dreams I had for my son. I mourned the sweet little boy that grew into an angry self centered man. Grieving is not just for when someone dies.
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  15. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I have been where your at so many times. My son was not looking at 14 years but 4. I can't give you advice but I will tell you what I have done and how it turned out. I have many times bailed him out of traffic tickets, got him attorneys , paid for food , housing etc. This has been going on since he was 15 and he is now 25 and really no change. He is currently in jail again. I have gone against my husbands wishes many times bailing him out because "he finally has a job", he'll lose everything he has if he is locked up, etc. It has not helped. I don't know your son's history but it seems as if he hasn't gotten serious yet. Does he deserve 14 years probably not. How it will turn out just depends on the judge. It is a parole violation -( if he was in prison then he would be on parole and if in jail then could be on probation). Sometimes DWL it is not a criminal violation. If his parole officer already knows about it you could call him/her, or of course he could, and ask if it is a violation of parole that would send him back to prison. Might just ease you mind. If he can get a job, go back to school,pay on his fines before his court date that may show them he is really trying to turn things around. As always it is up to him.
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  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Heavy. Re-read your post.

    Had he had insurance he would have been okay. t bone wreck or not.

    This was not bad luck on his part. It was a choice.

    If he is rescued. When will he, how will he learn?

    If it were me, I would want to participate with him, go to court, show solidarity and support. And let the judge decide. This is between son and society. There are rules and there are consequences of breaking them.

    This has been cumulative by son.

    Trying does not cut it. If it did he would not be in this position. If he did not have insurance he need not have been driving. Not in his legally vulnerable position.

    I sound hard. I am not.

    But at some point we can no longer protect them from consequences. This is our learning.
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  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Overcome mom gives good counsel. Let the ball be in son's court. Let him man up with p.o. let him pay fines before court date. Be working. In school.

    Let him turn this around. He can.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
  18. mtic

    mtic Member

    You explained to him the rules of living at your house. You did not ask him to move out. He CHOSE to do so.

    My husband and I did the same thing with our son (as I'm sure many on here have done). We told him he had a choice...he could live in our house and do what was required of him or he could choose to move out. At the end of two months, when he didn't have the money saved that we agreed on, he moved out. I never say we threw him out or asked him to leave. It was HIS decision...same with your son.

    Hugs to you for all you are going through right now. This is never easy.
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Sorry to hear your story. Mine isn't so far off either.

    Nothing helped until we sent our son away to sober living after one of many trips to rehab. I knew that he'd start right back up after rehab because he had not been sober long enough for his addicted brain to actually think right.

    He screwed up again and again. And again. He wanted to be near us but I wanted no part of it. I was detaching with the help of a therapist. I had to set boundaries for myself and him too. I had to function. I didn't want to "love him to death".

    He is doing well now and I am happy that we were able to force him into a faith based program. He has been sober almost a year and has his priorities straight for the first time EVER. He will come to live with us in November after completing a 13 month program. I am happy but I am also very anxious. I am also very scared. He has wasted so many years of his life.

    The fact is, it won't end with your son because he isn't ready to change so YOU have to change. It's so difficult and the hardest thing that I ever have done but I am glad for the changes and maturity I have seen in him now. As long as he is alive there is hope. But the best thing I can tell you is that you cannot parent these adult children like you parent your other children. It's almost the complete opposite. Normal parenting doesn't work. You can't clean him up and brush him off like when he was little.

    I didn't want a 30 year old on my couch when I came home from work asking what's for dinner!
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  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Rn describes the process as it is. The boundaries part.

    I had a really hard time getting it.

    I saw boundaries kind of like bulwarks. Like big mounds that prevent people from getting to me.

    Sometimes I thought of my own absence of boundaries with shame. Like I had no limits. Like I was all over the place. Kind of like I leaked. Without being aware. It is mortifying to write this. And probably inappropriate too. Sigh. Kind of like I still do not have boundaries. Sigh.

    So this is how I understand it now.

    Boundaries are internal. They are an acknowledgement that I am worth protecting. And considering and listening to. Myself and others. Boundaries say I have worth. That I matter equally to anybody else. That I can think about consequences for me, and act on them.

    That it matters I don't suffer unnecessarily. Boundaries mean that I act in my own lane. And that I do not unduly carry another adult person, or shoulder the consequences of their acts.

    I came to understand this was a moral choice. With consequences for both my son and myself and my mate.

    It matters because my life and I are worth protecting. My relationship with my mate is too. My son needs me to act in a way that is not just expedient, or caring, but morally correct.

    I am clear now. Clearer.

    I still have periods of confusion where I allow people in and give them space and voice in my life, that they do not deserve. I do not up front factor in what are my needs and priorities. I get sidetracked for a week. But in time I recognize what is happening. I walk it back.

    Until we recognize that this entire Odyssey is about us, we suffer. Even after we do, we suffer. But there is clarity. It took me more than 3 years here to begin to really get it. It is still not so easy.

    When you read our posts I hope you understand that there is no judgement. And we write what we write because we are on training wheels, and in no way have we got this licked. We may sound strong but that is just one voice. We use it when we post to strengthen it.

    What I am saying in my verbose way is that you matter. A lot.
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018