Just numb
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Heavy hearted
Member
17. He started out going to GED classes and holding a regular job. Started being late for work, got fired and stopped going to GED classes. Had other jobs, fired for calling in too many days. My husband tried to let him do a little grass cutting with his business. Sometimes he would show or would show up late. Every time I would ask him if he was going back. Answer.....I will. Never happened. Then got arrested and landed in jail/prison for a year at age 19.
Heavy hearted
Member
Tanya M
Yes. I have been mourning my living son on and off for years. I used to be a really strong emotional person ( the rock for this family) I now feel defeated. Some days are better than others. My emotions are up and constantly. Thank you for your reply
Heavy hearted
Member
bluebell
No, he just got the title in his name. His vehicle was impounded after the wreck and a "friend of friend" got it out of impound by paying $350. An agreement for the guy to purchase vehicle and trade smart car. ( son has older tahoe that is a gas burner) Anyway. the guy has my son's vehicle at his house and using it for mud riding. My son still has title. went to the police and he was brushed off by police. This guy keeps telling him, he can't come up with the money and his mom want let him trade the small car.
Heavy hearted
Member
bluebell
yes. live in the US. I have thought about some positive thoughts. If he goes to prison. 1. He can get his GED
2. He may can get on a workforce group and learn a trade.
These are the only 2 positive thoughts I have though. Prison life is so corrupt, prisoners are able to get drugs. phones and just about anything they need from corrupt guards. It's so sad.
Heavy hearted
Member
bluebell
Thank you for the kind offer.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Heavy. You have no control here. It is not your fault.
I can think of not one mother posting on this board right now. Who I believe could have done one thing more to save their child.
Our sons must save themselves. This is what husband knows.
There is the hope that son learns. I believe he will. HE can turn this around.
There is a mother who posts here sometimes. Whose son too is in a year long program. Like rn's boy. Or maybe it was rn. Who said this. That her son had to learn and did learn in the program that he was not g-d.
With our love and crying and care and taking responsibility we as if enshrine them. I did that. I taught him I would do anything. Forgive anything. Tolerate anything. Believe anything. That I as if worshipped at his altar.
Actually I have a dog like that. Romy. We joke about it. If I pick Romy up he thinks he is a little precious thing--all important. The center of the world. I don't pick him up so much. It goes to his head.
Son needs to learn there is nobody who will pick him up. But himself. All of us need to learn this.
I know 14 years is a lot. But it is not a whole life. I worked in prisons. There were mothers who had to deal with son's learning lessons. When they were facing life. Or worse. I am not trivializing this.
But you did not decide the circumstances of his learning. Nor can you.
The pain is 20 is young. He is really operating from a juvenile brain. But the law holds him accountable.
I can see how you and his father would want to shield and support him. I believe your husband could moderate his stand in time. But I also believe there is learning in this for us.
I can think of not one mother posting on this board right now. Who I believe could have done one thing more to save their child.
Our sons must save themselves. This is what husband knows.
There is the hope that son learns. I believe he will. HE can turn this around.
There is a mother who posts here sometimes. Whose son too is in a year long program. Like rn's boy. Or maybe it was rn. Who said this. That her son had to learn and did learn in the program that he was not g-d.
With our love and crying and care and taking responsibility we as if enshrine them. I did that. I taught him I would do anything. Forgive anything. Tolerate anything. Believe anything. That I as if worshipped at his altar.
Actually I have a dog like that. Romy. We joke about it. If I pick Romy up he thinks he is a little precious thing--all important. The center of the world. I don't pick him up so much. It goes to his head.
Son needs to learn there is nobody who will pick him up. But himself. All of us need to learn this.
I know 14 years is a lot. But it is not a whole life. I worked in prisons. There were mothers who had to deal with son's learning lessons. When they were facing life. Or worse. I am not trivializing this.
But you did not decide the circumstances of his learning. Nor can you.
The pain is 20 is young. He is really operating from a juvenile brain. But the law holds him accountable.
I can see how you and his father would want to shield and support him. I believe your husband could moderate his stand in time. But I also believe there is learning in this for us.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
People turn themselves around in prison. They find faith. They get college degrees. They get therapy. They find meaning. Prisons can be a moral force. Yes there is corruption.
But people there decide to be good. Alot.
But people there decide to be good. Alot.
Heavy hearted
Member
Copabanana
I am not 100% sure if the prisons here offer all of that. I will have to do research on that. I do know he will be able to acquire his GED and learn a trade through working within the prison groups.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Heavy. For sure there is mental health, if he needs it. If he is in mental health there should be groups. They can be fun and interesting. This was part of my job. I led them. I worked with these guys (and sometimes women.) I did this off and on for 25:years. What i say is based on my experience. Others might disagree. But these are my own convictions.
For sure there is chapel. For sure community members come in with religious groups.. if there is the want, the prison must support it.
This is guaranteed by the Constitution.
For sure there is Aa and Na.
College is not for sure. But there is always correspondence study. The prison cannot interfere with his receiving mail. If it is bona fide. In my state the prisoners get to buy tablet computers and can buy books. They have personal TVs. Some do artwork or beadwork. They can have art supplies. You would be surprised how many of the men prisoners have hobbies. there are team sports on most yards.
The first months are onerous because they are confined in reception center. It gets better.
What I am saying is many seek to be focused and productive.
But the thing is you do not know he will go to prison.
For sure there is chapel. For sure community members come in with religious groups.. if there is the want, the prison must support it.
This is guaranteed by the Constitution.
For sure there is Aa and Na.
College is not for sure. But there is always correspondence study. The prison cannot interfere with his receiving mail. If it is bona fide. In my state the prisoners get to buy tablet computers and can buy books. They have personal TVs. Some do artwork or beadwork. They can have art supplies. You would be surprised how many of the men prisoners have hobbies. there are team sports on most yards.
The first months are onerous because they are confined in reception center. It gets better.
What I am saying is many seek to be focused and productive.
But the thing is you do not know he will go to prison.
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Heavy hearted
Member
copabanana
I do remember the judge saying that if he gets into anymore trouble or violates his probation. he will serve his term of 14 years. Believe me, I pray that's not going to be the case. He was in jail for 9 months awaiting his sentencing and 3 months in the prison. During those 3 months in prison, he could get books. No tablets though. He was offered the drug spice ...yes, inside the prison. Several jumped on him when he refused to try and get money from me during those 3 months. So yes, I hope he placed back into jail instead of going the prison. It will be up to the judge. I also don't know about what groups are offered. He was Baptized again while in jail. Any kind of mental help, AA, NA would be helpful. He is so angry at his Father and himself for resuming the wrong path again. Thank you for replying. This is all so hard! I pray for all of these women and men that are going through similiar situations.
Heavy hearted
Member
Copabanana
What a blessing to be able to reach some of the prisoners through group help. I also know it had to be sad listening to their discussions. Bless you for being there for them when others wouldn't.
What a blessing to be able to reach some of the prisoners through group help. I also know it had to be sad listening to their discussions. Bless you for being there for them when others wouldn't.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Thank you heavy. My work was not sad. But it could be a heavy burden. That is true.
What made me sad for a long time was when so many judged prisoners harshly or were indifferent. In time, I grew more tolerant.
Who knows what the judge will decide? I do not hold him or her to their word. Imagine their sorrow at what they see.
Son must step up. He decides his fate here. Nobody else.
You sound better, heavy.
What made me sad for a long time was when so many judged prisoners harshly or were indifferent. In time, I grew more tolerant.
Who knows what the judge will decide? I do not hold him or her to their word. Imagine their sorrow at what they see.
Son must step up. He decides his fate here. Nobody else.
You sound better, heavy.
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Heavy hearted
Member
Copabanana
I have literally cried and prayed all day! This site has really helped me get through today. Thank you for your kindness!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
As far as the predation. Yes. That is common. Some prisoners will identify those who might be vulnerable. And attempt to extort money from family members. Or to frighten the prisoner into surrendering what he has, even food.
Yes. This happens. Your son knew this going in. He must simply say no to all of it. And trust nobody. Until the truth emerges. It is no different in the rest of life.
I was vulnerable too at first. Predators try to identify weaker staff too. You learn to protect yourself. Not by meanness but by being conscious. They try to compromise you by a small thing. And then when they do to graduate to bigger things.
But the thing is, we need to keep our noses clean. This is son's learning. You cannot do it. He is too old.
It is this son is not doing enough in life. My son either. Oh. I have a mountain of hurt I carry in me. But I see I cannot live by either fear or hurt. I have done so too long.
Just remember we are here. You are never alone.
Yes. This happens. Your son knew this going in. He must simply say no to all of it. And trust nobody. Until the truth emerges. It is no different in the rest of life.
I was vulnerable too at first. Predators try to identify weaker staff too. You learn to protect yourself. Not by meanness but by being conscious. They try to compromise you by a small thing. And then when they do to graduate to bigger things.
But the thing is, we need to keep our noses clean. This is son's learning. You cannot do it. He is too old.
It is this son is not doing enough in life. My son either. Oh. I have a mountain of hurt I carry in me. But I see I cannot live by either fear or hurt. I have done so too long.
Just remember we are here. You are never alone.
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Heavy hearted
Member
Thank you!
Once again, this site brings so much clarity, wisdom, and empathy to me when I need it. Thank you to all of your who share your stories. Seeing the same emotions that I myself am wading through is so helpful. This journey of parenting a dysfunctional child is a long and difficult one, but I am so thankful to have you all to come back to when I need perspective and wisdom. To Heavy Hearted--I'm so sorry for the pain you are in right now. I too think about our son (28 yo, probably Bipolar) and just what a joy he was as a child and how many hopes and dreams we had for him, and I look at him now, an angry, selfish, young man who can barely keep himself from being homeless. Our son played soccer all through school and into college, wanted to be a soccer coach, is an attractive, intelligent person. Now he works temp jobs as a general laborer, when he can get work. We're not sure if he's still living in the same place he was months ago. On the days he doesn't work, he spends time alone in his room. He has no meaningful relationships. I can't see him ever being healthy enough to marry, have a family, work, etc. Those dreams are gone. He blames us. His current anger is directed at us for being unwilling to co-sign on a car loan for him, as if anybody in their right mind would co-sign a loan for someone like him, but we are "miserable, selfish people," who have not helped him be "happy and successful." I am working on detaching and letting go of the responsibility to rescue him and be his "mommy." I have a long ways to go, but with the help of people here on this site and with God's help, I will make it. Thanks for listening.
Heavy hearted
Member
Beta
I feel the same way about this site! I have been thankful for finding this sight from day one! I started seeing how many of us are going through practically the same thing. Reading post from other families doesn't stop my pain, but it does help ease the pain. It makes me feel there is hope and that I am not alone. Multiple thanks to all who have been there for us. God bless!
I feel the same way about this site! I have been thankful for finding this sight from day one! I started seeing how many of us are going through practically the same thing. Reading post from other families doesn't stop my pain, but it does help ease the pain. It makes me feel there is hope and that I am not alone. Multiple thanks to all who have been there for us. God bless!
Triedntrue
Well-Known Member
I agree wholeheartedly
I have not experienced this particular type of great pain with my child.
But, I have experienced great heartache with her and found when I sort of “gave it over” to my Higher Power / God, I felt freer.
Maybe you can not do more. You can visit him if he goes to jail as appropriate. He seems to need to figure things out himself. A little boost here and there. A word of kindness.
Stay close to your husband and daughter. Be good to yourself. Seek counseling for yourself if you feel you need it. Keep praying.
But, I have experienced great heartache with her and found when I sort of “gave it over” to my Higher Power / God, I felt freer.
Maybe you can not do more. You can visit him if he goes to jail as appropriate. He seems to need to figure things out himself. A little boost here and there. A word of kindness.
Stay close to your husband and daughter. Be good to yourself. Seek counseling for yourself if you feel you need it. Keep praying.
