Just one peaceful dinner

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    would be nice. I just feel like crying but I'm not, I think I'm just too numb right now or desensitized to everything. Overall, it was a nice day. difficult child had a good day relatively speaking. He had a late wrestling tournament and handled not winning fine.

    We came home and husband ordered pizza, something both kids like. While we were waiting for the pizza, husband ran to the grocery store to get some water and a few other things. difficult child was watching tv, peaceably. The pizza came before husband got home so I told difficult child he could have 3 pieces (small squares) before husband came home. Then easy child came down, told her the same thing.

    After husband got home, difficult child was dancing and shaking his butt. easy child told him to knock it off (she felt he was purposefully shaking it at her-from what I saw it didn't look like it). Of course, he didn't stop right away. I asked him to knock it off and before I could finish, easy child went after him.

    I was able to head her off but then, of course, difficult child flips her the finger and calls her a B. I go to gently move him away and tell him to go take a time out and he hit my arm. He then got stop the world.

    If it had all ended there things would have been fine. Then we sit down to eat and, of course, easy child has got to get in her nasty comments. By this time difficult child had settled down but she had to keep making comment which, of course, started him escalating. husband mentioned to difficult child maybe he wanted to take a little less because he might not want so much. easy child said, no problem, Chubbers can handle it (she is a skinny thing and he is much more stocky) So much for a pleasant dinner.

    husband finally had it. He told easy child to "SHUT-UP". I can't say I blame him. difficult child immediately apologized to easy child (it was sincere) and easy child was rude and said, don't apologize to me. Then husband yelled again because easy child just wouldn't stop and that got difficult child going again. Then he left the dinner table, saying he wasn't hungry.

    Poor husband, it takes A LOT to make him lose his temper. I stayed with both kids. difficult child looked like he was going to cry, easy child just kept right at it-grrrrrrrrr!

    easy child is one of those who doesn't seem to learn from the consequences we hand out. She actually had the nerve to say to difficult child, "You want me to treat you like a person when you eat like that." He ended up having his gum bleeding and was trying to deal with it at the table-not the best thing in the world but didn't deserve that comment.

    Now husband feels bad that he blew up, especially that he told easy child to shut up. I told him I completely understand how he reacted, that he needs to talk to easy child again now that he is more calm and explain, yet again, how she contributes to making situations so much more difficult.

    The fighting between the kids is notihing new, husband blowing up is new. Thanks for listening, I just feel like crawling under my blankets and going to sleep. At least difficult child is peacefully sleeping.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It sounds pretty consistently awful. Just sending a hug.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I know. Sending hugs.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending some gentle hugs. I am sorry that easy child keeps picking on difficult child, and trying to pick fights. Is easy child seeing a therapist about this?

    Be gentle to yourself and husband and difficult child (a little gentle) and have easy child do extra chores to make up for all the conflama she created. Might have to have husband help enforce the chores, but that will happen this year.

    I wish for a peaceful dinner for an entire MONTH for you!!!
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) I hope you can get some rest and a break- from both kids.
  6. Janna

    Janna New Member


    This sounds so familiar. It's one of my biggest gripes with B. The constant agitation. I have to give kudos to difficult child for calming himself down, and trying hard to keep calm while she was just agitating the heck out of him. Truthfully, I would have told her to shut up, too. I've told B many times.

    I hope husband is feeling better today. I'm sorry you're so worn down. Sending hugs.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    those of us with difficult children and pcs understand that our pcs can feel a lot of resentment for their difficult child sibs. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it shows reason. Also, some is typical sib stuff.

    You know, our families are not typical. We can over stress ourselves out by having expectations that are too high or too typical. A happy, loving, calm dinnertime may not be something you can most nights, especially if difficult child is wound up from wrestling or everyone is running late and stressed. It won't hurt the kids to eat without mom and dad a couple times a week. It will make the calm ones that much better!

    Hope tonight is a little calmer at the Wiped house.

  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    The stress level at your house sounds so high. If it makes you feel better my husband left the dinner table too many times to count when the tweedles were here together. He just couldn't eat with the chaos.

    We finally made the tweedle that was causing the problem eat in the kitchen while the rest of us ate in the dining room. It helped.

    Sending good thoughts that today is a calmer day.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Boy, does that sound familiar!
    I am so sorry.
    easy child is definitely angry.
    Maybe you could separate them for meals for awhile?
    I don't blame husband. Not at all. :)
  10. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I don't mean to hijack this thread, I just wanted to say thanks to Linda and Sharon for pointing out that our families are not typical. You always hear that stuff about how you are supposed to eat dinner as a family and we were not able to do that--my husband and I would eat together but the kids all ate separately because they couldn't stand the "smacking" sounds.

    Just last night my difficult child 2/easy child dtr was talking about a family we know who has now moved away but they are great people--mom and dad and little boy. She said how they seem like such a healthy family and I felt bad because I know our family was so affected by difficult child 1 that we couldn't operate as a healthy family.

    So, thanks for mentioning these things--it helps me to see that there is no way we could be like a "normal" or "typical" family with a difficult child thrown in there!

    So sorry Sharon for your bad night.

  11. Sorry about the family dinner. I definitely can sympathize. My 10-year-old easy child is on difficult child's back morning, noon, and night. I attribute the vast majority of it to plain old sibling rivalry, including jealousy and resentment. husband quit his job because difficult child had so many school issues and easy child is bright enough to realize that this directly translated into less disposable income that can be spent on her. Mind you, difficult child could certainly make a strong argument that easy child is the favored child but he doesn't really seem to think like that. But it gets so tiring to listen to her picking at him all the time. husband and I both occasionally lose it and scream at her, but nothing -- time-outs, loss of privileges, gentle explanations, etc -- seem to stop the badgering.

    I did have one entertaining little exchange with her one day. I told her to quit bossing him (for about the thousandth time that day) and said, he has a mother, he doesn't need another one. She shoots back, Well, he needs a better one. It's true enough, and maybe I should have been insulted but I was amused instead.

    Anyway, hang in there. Big sisters can be huge pains!
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Yikes! This is where having an only child is helpful. So sorry for your evening. {{{Hugs}}}
  13. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    I was going to say it could just be plain old sibling rivalry too.....even with- difficult child's in our lives it doesn't stop the rivalry.
  14. lillians

    lillians lillians

    hi,, i have raised children in sets,, mine his and our two special ones,, all of the older raised children typical if yu will ate at the dinner table with only typical nonsense,, since our addition now,, we all eat where ever i fix plates,,, cover them with saran wrap ,, and say whom ever is ready to eat ,,come and get it,, i refuse to have the dinner turmoil ever again,, they eat where ever without each other,, no squabbles,, more work for me yupp rarely do they pick up their plates and bring em back,, there are days i actually uses paper plates,, they each do have waste baskets,,, the extra effort ,,which is minimal is well worth the peace,,there are so many things i just ,,do,, as parenting these children is ahhh different to say the least,,no sense setting them up to fail,, when the turmoil happens here it turns pretty ugly
  15. cadydid

    cadydid New Member

    I'm sorry to hear of all the commotion during dinner at your house. I wish I could offer some magic solution. But if I had it, then I'd be able to solve the dinner time problems in this house. Sendng hugs and good thoughts your way.
  16. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    I agree that parents deserve a quiet and peaceful dinner. Since the stuff your kids are doing are all learned behavior...name calling, ect...I feel that it is the best choice to hand out a consiquence on this.

    Until the children are sitting quietly and completing a meal together without insults and fuss meals will be served at ....(early) and then there will be no
    discussion after everyone goes to their room and stays in thier bed until morning.

    Then serve them a plain and boring meal nutrisious but undesirable.

    You and hubs sit down to a delicious meal together and make a point of talking about intrests not the kids. Bring funny stories to the table so that in adition to the sulk, sullen, indignance the children are suffering they are hearing you two having a good time.

    Who ever does not complain and acts co-operatively first is the first kid who is INVITED to join the parents for dinner, and share the delicious meal
    rather than the intentionaly dull but servicable meal that is offered early.
    Later in the week.

    Is it 'unfair'...I think not. Children can and will learn whatever we are committed to teach them. If eating the cheap bland boring meal and spending evenings reading in their room is all they want to learn then there you go.

    meanwhile you and the hubs have dinners pleasantly together either way.
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My Dad couldn't stand to eat with us kids even though we didn't dare misbehave in his presence. He and My mom ate together at seven o'clock we kids (five of us) ate at 5 and were doing homework when the parents sat down to their dinner.

    I didn't carry this tradition over to my family but maybe it is time you and husband took a break from the family meals. On the other hand I'm not sure how you would keep the kids from interrupting and fighting while you tried to eat. Duct Tape maybe? Sorry not trying to be flip just pointing out that eating away from the kids might not be a solution either.

    One thing that husband and I did do was make dinner the time that we all got to tell about our day. We went around the table and each person had to tell about the worst thing and the best thing that had happened to them that day. We all liked it and it kept us all in tuned ti what was going on in each others lives. I think it helped the kids find some compassion for each other also. Just an idea.

    Ropefree and I seemed to be posting at the same time her idea seems like a good one too but again how do you enforce it if they are not cooperative?
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Hold on! That's a scene lifted DIRECTLY from MY HOUSE!!!

    Sorry, misery loves company, eh?

    Hope today was better.
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate all of the support and suggestions.

    I think maybe husband and I will have to stop trying to have everyone eat together. Tonight we didn't even call easy child down-it was a meal she hates anyways. Many nights easy child isn't hungry when we eat due to her Vyvanse not having worn off.

    It used to be we ate together every night and we still do most nights but the stress I'm finding just isn't worth it-as Sharon (LDM) said we certainly don't have typical families. Maybe I should try for just 1 or 2 nights a week?

    RFS-Had to laugh-we've told the easy child the same thing-that difficult child already has a mom-she says the same thing as your easy child!

    Again thank you all so much, your support means a ton to me.