Just sad

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nessie, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    My son is back in our home because he has nowhere else to go. I feel sorry for him, love him and want him to get better but none of us are happy. He is due back to the police station in 3 weeks to find out what he is being charged with- this will likely carry a custodial sentence. It’s all very bleak and depressing!

    A very good friend of mine lost her 20 year old son five weeks ago to meningitis and I have struggled to not let this seriously affect me. We had many conversations during the past few years and she was fully aware of all of my sons problems and his suicidal thoughts, I truly believed our conversation would go the other way round.

    Her sons funeral was incredibly hard, lots of people talking about him and all of his achievements. It just highlighted how much my son is wasting and how cruel life can be.It makes my so angry and so sad. When I left the funeral I could not stop crying, properly sobbing and then I felt horribly guilty because I knew I was crying more for my own situation.

    So, for the next three weeks I’m back to limbo and killing myself trying to heal my broken family and understand what the hell went wrong. Please wish me strength
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I wish you strength and offer heartfelt prayers if you accept them. I am so sorry. This sounds incredibly hard.
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nessie, I'm so sorry. We know here how heartbreaking and devastating it is when our kids go off the rails. It mars our mother's hearts in ways that are incomprehensible, even to us. I can't imagine how difficult it was to go to your friend's son's funeral, especially in the midst of your own heartbreak.

    In the next 3 weeks make a strong commitment to yourself to take care of YOU. Whatever that means to you. Nourish yourself. Nurture yourself. Do very kind things that make you happy and calm. Get as much support as you can.

    Sometimes we just don't know "what went wrong" we have to learn to accept whatever it is. You didn't cause this, you can't change it or control it. All we can do is learn ways to respond to all of it.

    Sending prayers for strength and for peace. And, hugs for your wounded heart.
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  4. Lila256

    Lila256 Member

    What a horrible situation. I have totally been there, where you are counting the days, waiting for something to happen, hoping that it will go a certain way. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you much strength over the next few weeks!
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh Nessie;

    Don't feel guilty. Your allowed to feel the grief and dissapointment that you feel. It was very supportive and courageous of you to go to the funeral of your friends son.

    We compare and we shouldn't. I know I do it too. I compare to someone else's grief. I compare to someone else's successful child. I have to stop and realize it is what it is. This is my burden and I feel how I feel. No comparison necessary.

    Do take care of yourself. It is so very difficult and disappointing.

    Sending hugs and support.
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  6. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Sometimes it feels like this whole thing has made my personality change and I don’t like it. I used to sympathise and empathise with people and with situations and now I just feel bound to my own situation. I hate that. I used to care so much about things and now I don’t even have the head space.

    I feel like I might be coming to the end of the line with my son. I am not sur if this is self preservation, protecting my family or a nervous breakdown.

    Before all of this I was a confident nurse, mother of 3, wife, house keeper and so much more. Now, I am not even me. People come to me with problems and I feel like screaming at them. I imagine I have every horrible medical condition imaginable and sleep is a luxury.

    I’m pretty sure you all know the script I just sometimes need to let it out.
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    You described me to a T. It does get better. A month ago I would not have thought so. Situation isn't better, but I am. Feeling more like me.
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  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is okay to feel like you cannot empathize or sympathize with anyone. : 'Your "pathize" is all used up right now' is how a lady in my AlAnon group used to put it. It doesn't last forever, I promise. It just means that you are going through a lot and you have to give yourself time to process and work it all out.

    No matter how wonderful you are (and you ARE wonderful!!!), sometimes the situation is just too much! It swamps you and you need some time before you can respond to anything else the way you normally would. That is perfectly normal and okay. It means you are working and your systems are processing everything the way they should. If they were handling everything without a hitch, something in you would be absolutely, terrifyingly wrong. This situation is just way too much for anyone to process without needing some extra time and help.

    Take the time and space and let your systems handle them as they need to. Trust your body and brain to handle this stuff. They are smarter than you think they are. (((((hugs)))))
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  9. Southern51

    Southern51 New Member

    I can relate to so much of what you wrote. In times like this... I try to remind myself that we are not our kids. I never wanted my kid to become addicted to heroin, just as I'm sure you didn't want your child to suffer through his issues. We didn't cause it. It's not us. We did, and do, what we can. We can only have hope for the future.
  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I get it.

    I used to be a different person. I have changed. And to be honest maybe some of the changes are ok. Some are not.

    It sounds like you could have burnout or compassion fatigue. It happens in the caregiving jobs and I’m sure with parents of high needs kids like ours.

    I have been were you are. I think I am getting better though.... I hope I am anyway.
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  11. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    You are describing my life to a T. My old self would be happy when I heard of a co worker, friend or family member's children's accomplishments. Now, I walk away not caring and yes even angry. Not angry at them, but angry that I don't have the son that I can brag about. We had such high hopes for him. I do on the other hand, have a daughter that is doing well in college and life. Yes, I am blessed. I think back and realized that I was putting so much energy, time and money trying to keep my son's head above water. I wasn't "really" there for her. I felt the need to apologize to my daughter if she felt that I was neglecting her in any way. My daughter has a beautiful soul. This past few years have also been tough on her. I have witnessed that it's only made her stonger and wiser. My son had a way of manipulating all he came in contact with. My daughter learned way before we did not to enable my son. My prayers will continue for everyone posting on here. We have to hang in there.
    Prayers and hugs!
  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Heavy hearted i know what you mean about feeling the need to apologize to my other children. They too stopped enabling him long ago. I also understand the feeling that my personality has changed and i believe it is out and out depression and stress. Nessie i think we all have times where it just becomes too much. I agree you need to do some things just for you. When one of my adult children was stressed about work his fiance bought him a deep tissue massage he said it worked wonders. Maybe dinner at a nice restaurant with hubby talk about son not allowed. Whatever makes you feel good about you. I know that is not easy but even a few hours away might help. Prayers
  13. I feel like you do as well. I hear other parents talk about their sons and I just stand there, listen and smile.... When we part ways I ask what the H*** did I do to deserve this life? My daughter is such a delight and a blessing. My son was once that as well. So much going for him and what ever happened to him to cause his trauma and medicate with alcohol and weed I will never know I guess. Refuses help even down to reading a book.
  14. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    This has been my life for so long now that I guess you just learn to live with it. Next court date is Thursday so struggling at the moment. He is not eating and says he’s sick, I’m sure he feels even more anxious then me as he will be receiving prison time. But I still have to tell him not to smoke anything in my house and he contributes zero.

    This is all a bit like dealing with the stages of grief in that sometimes I am so deeply sad, sometimes scared and often angry. Sentencing has taken 8 months so far since he was arrested and it feels like torture. I am so furious and disappointed by the decisions he has made and paths he has followed but I do now accept they are his and I cannot change anything. I am thinking of all the parents, siblings and loved ones dealing with this and can only wish things improve for all x
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Dearest Trying. This is the hardest stuff to deal with. I know. With two daughters off the rails I have had to remove myself emotionally from their journey, in order to carry on. I do this by giving them to God in faith that He will watch over them. This has helped me to be thankful for the blessings I had in raising them, and hopes that they will find their light that is still there.
    I have switched focus to my well children, who were literally waiting in the wings while I was so intent on trying to rescue my two, then depressed that nothing was changing.
    “What did I do to deserve this life?”
    This is our adult children’s life, their journey, their choices. When we are able to see that and understand that we can’t control their decisions, we can separate ourselves from their consequences and start to breathe.
    Nothing is gained from our going down the rabbit hole with them.
    I am convinced by our lifting ourselves up and grabbing our lives back, we are a testament to our beloveds capability to do the same. Standing strong upon the rocky precipice as lighthouses, guiding their way to a better life, by our example.
    Do not let your sons choices drag you down. That is two lives wasted.
    Seek ways to build your strength against the storms within.
    You can do this. You matter. Your life matters.
    Prayers for strength and peace.
  16. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Sentencing on Monday 23rd and feeling the anxiety build. I’m starting to panic about first prison visit, the rapid detox he will face and how I will likely be the only person who will bother with him, any thoughts or advice welcome X
  17. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Remember that he is safer there is not high and has a roof warmth and food. I know that it is hard. Mine has been and may go back. For him books were a great comfort. I did give him money for phones. He called i did not visit. It was to stressful. Check out the programs available there may be classes he can take and services he can use. A guy my son worked with said he made use of the opportunities avaiable and he stayed clean for 8 years because of it. Mostly these are his consequences not yours. Do things you enjoy. Live your life while he is there.
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I worked in prisons over many years. I felt great affection for many, and caring for almost all. Every bit of that feeling I found an appropriate way to manifest in kindness, support, and responsibility.

    The prisoners, many of them, make deep bonds with each other. They need each other. There is trust and confidence. They develop friendships, caring. They form familial relationships of a sort. They also bond together for protection and to get needs met. They make community.

    There are volunteers that come into prisons (in the USA) typically through church groups. They care.

    There is school. College. Work. AA. NA. Etc. Team sports. People bond this way.

    Some become writers or artists or business people (their gigs.) They make their identities that way.

    There is a common saying: man up

    It means more or less, grow a spine. Be a man. This is the upside of prison. Sometimes things happen for a reason.

    Take care. I think this can be harder on us.
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  19. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Nessie, It's great that you realize and accept your statement. It doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. Wishing you, your son, and your family strength and hope during this difficult situation.
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  20. You sound just like me and how my daughter is as well. Thought for thought, word for word.