Seeking Peace
Member
Hello,
I found this site after searching for answers online. Just desperately trying to make some sense of everything. My heart aches. I go back and forth between feeling guilty, to feeling angered. Constantly self-doubting what is real, and whether I am simply crazy. I apologize now if it is all over the place – but I have spent so many years trying to compress everything that as it comes to me, I am just going to type it.
Difficult child is 20 years old now. As young as 6 or 7, there has been red flags that something was different. Her biological father demonstrates many of the same traits, although I am not sure his is near as severe. He has basically been absent from her life since age 2. I heard numerous stories of how difficult he was also as a child; to the point that he was sent to live with his mother at the age of 13, or the alternative would have been divorce for his father. His mother was actually diagnosed with a mental illness later in her life, although not BiPolar (BP) or Borderline (BPD). I have heard rumors that she put her own mother through a lot…
Difficult Child has been diagnosed with BiPolar (BP), a learning disability, and ADD. But even with treatment, medication, and countless other avenues we took to help her, she seemed to only grow worse. For years I doubted we were simply dealing with BiPolar (BP). Once she was 18, she was officially diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), although it was prevalent years before. I am 99% sure THAT is exactly what we have been living with. Whether she is also BiPolar (BP), I have no idea anymore…maybe it is that, and the Borderline (BPD) developed as a means of coping with BiPolar (BP). All I know is a lot of time, effort and money was spent trying to treat her – and every time something new was mentioned, we went into it with such great hopes that maybe THAT would help.
I always feel so guilty when I read about people with Borderline (BPD) feeling so lonely and are terrified of being abandoned. I think that my daughter did not choose to live like this. She didn’t choose this for herself! I find myself wondering whether my daughter even realizes what she is doing to me. Whether it is with ill-intent or something she truly cannot control. Those thoughts are really what keeps me hooked. Why I continuously move my boundaries…I really think if I KNEW with certainty she thinks I am just weak, and looks down on me, and really I am not MOM to her, but just a supply – then I might be able to move a step ahead…but distance, no relationship, THIS relationship couldn’t feel more unnatural to me. I think that is why it is such a struggle – morally and ethically it is not right for ME to not be there, to not try again and again – to not help her, or want to fix things. I KNOW in my head what is real, but in my HEART, I cannot seem to find any acceptance or peace.
I made the mistake of researching Borderline (BPD), and came across several sites that essentially place all blame on the condition developing because of parent’s neglect and not meeting the child’s needs. Add to that first hand experiences with that same belief and attitude from the very people you turn to for help, and no wonder you feel so alone and beaten down. Sometimes I really second guess myself, and wonder if we DID cause this. Then I think about everything we have done and tried, and about how her biological father is….and my mind says this is absolutely genetic…but as a mother, it is so difficult not to blame yourself. To wonder if I should have really not had children. Truly, these Doctors and therapist cannot even begin to imagine life like that. They spend an hour, and send you on home. I really think until one actually lives in their own home, like a prisoner, and constantly checking and double checking, you cannot really understand what the caretakers endure…
Then I DO think I have been at times distant from her. I have been angry at her. I have favored my younger child more at times. Especially these last several years. I have refused to come to her rescue or respond the way a normal mother would! The therapist I have been seeing the past couple years tells me that I only responded like any other mother who is worn out, and has tried everything to try to help their child. A mother who no longer knows what can be done, and is just human. That the way my daughter treats me is not normal. Is not how a daughter treats their mother. But Difficult Child has a way of always making me feel like I have failed as a mother. Also I truly believe in HER mind, she REALLY believes it too. And seeing how she is, I feel like I MUST have somehow failed her.
I have read some of the other post regarding problems parents have had, and do have, and it was amazing to me to see so many others experiencing the same things. Difficult Child’s moods and reactions have always been triggered by a want. If you wanted a tantrum, just tell her no. Not that it would matter, as she would do it anyway regardless. There has never been respect for boundaries. If she wanted something, she just took it. Not just from us, but from anyone or anywhere. Even stealing money out of my wallet a few months back the last time we allowed her to come back home. I cannot say that she has ever told the truth about anything, oftentimes creating stories and lies that serve zero purpose or gain. Although, I have learned over the past several years, she has used smear campaigns (mostly against me) to gain attention and drum up sympathy. I can only imagine what all she has said about myself and my family. Extremely vicious and outright nasty accusations and lies….or that her childhood, her treatment by us, by me, is why she is how she is…and sadly, others, even those who first hand have had similar experiences with her, still think she is that way because of US.
We did put her out of the house at 18. Then allowed her to move back home a few months later after she spent a week in the hospital and was diagnosed with Borderline (BPD). That lasted three days, and she left on her own again. Since then she has lived in at least 8-10 places (back at our house three more times on top of it, and us requiring her to move out the last time a few months ago). She has additionally had at least 20 different jobs in the last couple of years (none lasting more than a week)…been in 3 accidents – just absolutely living reckless. She’s even a habitual ER patient now. (Means of skipping work, or diverting attention off of another situation) I fear for her safety. I fear she will eventually truly end up on the streets. I have even come to the point that I think a shelter would be GOOD for her! At least then she would have a caseworker…
I would allow her home if she really did what she was supposed to do. Go to work, and go to therapy. Nothing more, nothing less. But time and time again, she comes home, and spends so much time and energy portraying she is doing what she is supposed to be doing, and all the while, not doing any of them. Even going as far as pretending to go to work, etc. I cannot babysit my 20 year old. I cannot trust her, and cannot leave my 13 year old in that situation either. Add to that the absolute ZERO respect and utter disregard for everyone else in the house….it literally drove me to the point of a nervous breakdown. She has tried to stay with grandparents, Aunt, boyfriend’s family, etc. All turn out the same every time…
There is always so much drama, and lies, and gas lighting that you really doubt what you saw with your own eyes. You get so exhausted defending yourself to EVERYONE – people you considered friends, your own family, and to everyone the Difficult Child reaches in the community. My name has been slandered to the extent that I would love to move far away where NOBODY knows us.
In all of this, I really feel like I was always her biggest advocate. Yet, she now has decided to “cut ties with her family” (again, basically me). She blocked my number, she blocked me on FB….I really feel like she intentionally withholds love and attention from me as a means of punishing me. Punishing me for not being the mom she thinks I ought to be. That I am not allowed to be hurt, or angered, or draw a line in the sand on how she will and will not treat me….and somebody tell me – if I did – if I really held to those boundaries, would she eventually start to respect me and treat me any differently?? I feel like she disrespects me because she really believes I have wronged her, and abandoned her, and have failed her.
Now, I simply see that I am codependent on her. Constantly hanging on every word, every action. Worrying about her taking care of things. Knowing she isn’t and terrified of the consequences that she will be faced with because of it. That I am a basket of nerves. This has driven me to my own therapist, medication, exercise – whatever I need to do to finally find peace with this situation. I find myself unable to sleep, my chest feels tight all the time, and just literally so unbelievably anxious and on edge. Terrified of what is to come next all the time. Terrified every time the doorbell rings that it will be her standing there, or the phone rings, and it will be yet another parent telling me how horrific I am for not allowing her to come home. It is not going to change. Every time she has come home, she has continued the same behaviors. We are not equipped to help her the way she needs to be helped….and the thought of NOT helping haunts me equally. ….just sucks me dry emotionally…. I feel like people (even my husband and therapist ) get tired of hearing me repeat the same things over and over…
Seeking peace
I found this site after searching for answers online. Just desperately trying to make some sense of everything. My heart aches. I go back and forth between feeling guilty, to feeling angered. Constantly self-doubting what is real, and whether I am simply crazy. I apologize now if it is all over the place – but I have spent so many years trying to compress everything that as it comes to me, I am just going to type it.
Difficult child is 20 years old now. As young as 6 or 7, there has been red flags that something was different. Her biological father demonstrates many of the same traits, although I am not sure his is near as severe. He has basically been absent from her life since age 2. I heard numerous stories of how difficult he was also as a child; to the point that he was sent to live with his mother at the age of 13, or the alternative would have been divorce for his father. His mother was actually diagnosed with a mental illness later in her life, although not BiPolar (BP) or Borderline (BPD). I have heard rumors that she put her own mother through a lot…
Difficult Child has been diagnosed with BiPolar (BP), a learning disability, and ADD. But even with treatment, medication, and countless other avenues we took to help her, she seemed to only grow worse. For years I doubted we were simply dealing with BiPolar (BP). Once she was 18, she was officially diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), although it was prevalent years before. I am 99% sure THAT is exactly what we have been living with. Whether she is also BiPolar (BP), I have no idea anymore…maybe it is that, and the Borderline (BPD) developed as a means of coping with BiPolar (BP). All I know is a lot of time, effort and money was spent trying to treat her – and every time something new was mentioned, we went into it with such great hopes that maybe THAT would help.
I always feel so guilty when I read about people with Borderline (BPD) feeling so lonely and are terrified of being abandoned. I think that my daughter did not choose to live like this. She didn’t choose this for herself! I find myself wondering whether my daughter even realizes what she is doing to me. Whether it is with ill-intent or something she truly cannot control. Those thoughts are really what keeps me hooked. Why I continuously move my boundaries…I really think if I KNEW with certainty she thinks I am just weak, and looks down on me, and really I am not MOM to her, but just a supply – then I might be able to move a step ahead…but distance, no relationship, THIS relationship couldn’t feel more unnatural to me. I think that is why it is such a struggle – morally and ethically it is not right for ME to not be there, to not try again and again – to not help her, or want to fix things. I KNOW in my head what is real, but in my HEART, I cannot seem to find any acceptance or peace.
I made the mistake of researching Borderline (BPD), and came across several sites that essentially place all blame on the condition developing because of parent’s neglect and not meeting the child’s needs. Add to that first hand experiences with that same belief and attitude from the very people you turn to for help, and no wonder you feel so alone and beaten down. Sometimes I really second guess myself, and wonder if we DID cause this. Then I think about everything we have done and tried, and about how her biological father is….and my mind says this is absolutely genetic…but as a mother, it is so difficult not to blame yourself. To wonder if I should have really not had children. Truly, these Doctors and therapist cannot even begin to imagine life like that. They spend an hour, and send you on home. I really think until one actually lives in their own home, like a prisoner, and constantly checking and double checking, you cannot really understand what the caretakers endure…
Then I DO think I have been at times distant from her. I have been angry at her. I have favored my younger child more at times. Especially these last several years. I have refused to come to her rescue or respond the way a normal mother would! The therapist I have been seeing the past couple years tells me that I only responded like any other mother who is worn out, and has tried everything to try to help their child. A mother who no longer knows what can be done, and is just human. That the way my daughter treats me is not normal. Is not how a daughter treats their mother. But Difficult Child has a way of always making me feel like I have failed as a mother. Also I truly believe in HER mind, she REALLY believes it too. And seeing how she is, I feel like I MUST have somehow failed her.
I have read some of the other post regarding problems parents have had, and do have, and it was amazing to me to see so many others experiencing the same things. Difficult Child’s moods and reactions have always been triggered by a want. If you wanted a tantrum, just tell her no. Not that it would matter, as she would do it anyway regardless. There has never been respect for boundaries. If she wanted something, she just took it. Not just from us, but from anyone or anywhere. Even stealing money out of my wallet a few months back the last time we allowed her to come back home. I cannot say that she has ever told the truth about anything, oftentimes creating stories and lies that serve zero purpose or gain. Although, I have learned over the past several years, she has used smear campaigns (mostly against me) to gain attention and drum up sympathy. I can only imagine what all she has said about myself and my family. Extremely vicious and outright nasty accusations and lies….or that her childhood, her treatment by us, by me, is why she is how she is…and sadly, others, even those who first hand have had similar experiences with her, still think she is that way because of US.
We did put her out of the house at 18. Then allowed her to move back home a few months later after she spent a week in the hospital and was diagnosed with Borderline (BPD). That lasted three days, and she left on her own again. Since then she has lived in at least 8-10 places (back at our house three more times on top of it, and us requiring her to move out the last time a few months ago). She has additionally had at least 20 different jobs in the last couple of years (none lasting more than a week)…been in 3 accidents – just absolutely living reckless. She’s even a habitual ER patient now. (Means of skipping work, or diverting attention off of another situation) I fear for her safety. I fear she will eventually truly end up on the streets. I have even come to the point that I think a shelter would be GOOD for her! At least then she would have a caseworker…
I would allow her home if she really did what she was supposed to do. Go to work, and go to therapy. Nothing more, nothing less. But time and time again, she comes home, and spends so much time and energy portraying she is doing what she is supposed to be doing, and all the while, not doing any of them. Even going as far as pretending to go to work, etc. I cannot babysit my 20 year old. I cannot trust her, and cannot leave my 13 year old in that situation either. Add to that the absolute ZERO respect and utter disregard for everyone else in the house….it literally drove me to the point of a nervous breakdown. She has tried to stay with grandparents, Aunt, boyfriend’s family, etc. All turn out the same every time…
There is always so much drama, and lies, and gas lighting that you really doubt what you saw with your own eyes. You get so exhausted defending yourself to EVERYONE – people you considered friends, your own family, and to everyone the Difficult Child reaches in the community. My name has been slandered to the extent that I would love to move far away where NOBODY knows us.
In all of this, I really feel like I was always her biggest advocate. Yet, she now has decided to “cut ties with her family” (again, basically me). She blocked my number, she blocked me on FB….I really feel like she intentionally withholds love and attention from me as a means of punishing me. Punishing me for not being the mom she thinks I ought to be. That I am not allowed to be hurt, or angered, or draw a line in the sand on how she will and will not treat me….and somebody tell me – if I did – if I really held to those boundaries, would she eventually start to respect me and treat me any differently?? I feel like she disrespects me because she really believes I have wronged her, and abandoned her, and have failed her.
Now, I simply see that I am codependent on her. Constantly hanging on every word, every action. Worrying about her taking care of things. Knowing she isn’t and terrified of the consequences that she will be faced with because of it. That I am a basket of nerves. This has driven me to my own therapist, medication, exercise – whatever I need to do to finally find peace with this situation. I find myself unable to sleep, my chest feels tight all the time, and just literally so unbelievably anxious and on edge. Terrified of what is to come next all the time. Terrified every time the doorbell rings that it will be her standing there, or the phone rings, and it will be yet another parent telling me how horrific I am for not allowing her to come home. It is not going to change. Every time she has come home, she has continued the same behaviors. We are not equipped to help her the way she needs to be helped….and the thought of NOT helping haunts me equally. ….just sucks me dry emotionally…. I feel like people (even my husband and therapist ) get tired of hearing me repeat the same things over and over…
Seeking peace