Just spoke to difficult child.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jun 9, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Do NOT let him get to you. That is exactly what he wants and is exactly what he is working so hard to do. He knows you are checking his FB page. Goodness, if only they would put this much effort into positive activities!

    My question would be what do HIS actions show? You know, the actions that destroyed the livelihood of a grandfather that tried to help him?

    Keep breathing, take care of you and do not get tangled in his web...
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  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    JFK i'm so sorry he is doing this to you, the whole time i was reading today's posts i kept thinking wow he doesn't play fair! not at all

    if it's possible for you to send message to him... a message by way of facebook or whatever, i would send something along the lines of "it's obvious you want me to come rescue you but how can i do that if i don't know exactly where you are?"

    if you get an address out of him send the police to that address, whether he does it or not (or stages a close call to get attention) it won't be because of something you did or didn't do, it's not your fault. this game he is playing is a dangerous one and there is something seriously going wrong in his head to be playing it at all.

    praying for you today

  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what the best advice is but I can say that I dont think you need to feel bad about not engaging him. He has done this to himself and will need to find a way out on his own. Maybe someday he will have grown enough that you will feel good about helping him but right now he isn't maturing he is just being evil.

    Keep in mind that you are not responsible for this and he is. Someday he will have to face that if he wants to be a part of any family.
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  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Not to state the obvious...but we know he is posting because he knows you are reading, right?

    I hope you can stop...its hard but it will help you (do as I do not as I say...I still check on a woman who threatened my life 3 years ago...I don't even find anything interesting anymore, I just...check---so I am totally sympathetic to the difficulty of stopping)
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    No disrespect, but maybe he wants everyone to be as gullible as the Mormons who funded the bus ticket home. on the other hand, they're not stupid, they probably thought it was a small price to pay to get him out of their state! I'm also always amazed at how raging difficult children find the time and resources to update their FB, and who is reading that anyway? Does he have that many friends? If he did, why aren't they all putting him up at their homes? Cursing his mother/family out in FB is shameless, esp. after what he did to grandfather and his tenants. Don't you think if you were alone, not working, homeless, etc., you'd be a little too distracted and concerned about your next meal/bed/JOB to post nonsense on FB? I am furious on your behalf, JKF. Maybe you can contact the Mormons up here in NJ to send him bus fare to the Midwest (sorry MWM!) or Alaska - just somewhere far enough that he can't bother you or your dad!
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  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    You two are absolutely right. He knows I'm checking. It's going to be hard to stop but I need to. That's the next step in this whole thing. I need to stop getting pulled in and start ignoring his attempts at manipulating me. He's very good at manipulation. My father said he's never met such a good con artist in his entire life.

    No disrespect taken CJ! You're 100% right!

    HAHAHA!!! I said the same exact thing to my husband when I found out they were sending him home to NJ!

    No CJ. He has no friends. He has no one. He steals from and lies to everyone he comes in contact with and eventually they all leave and want nothing to do with him. He's completely alone in this world at this point. It's his own doing but at the same time it makes me very sad.

    Yes! One would think wouldn't they? It's crazy that he'll spend HOURS on FB but he can't get a job or even do simple things to help himself like find out how to get his birth certificate or show up for SSI appointments. He gets annoyed when he has to put any effort into anything he doesn't want to do which is EVERYTHING! He wants to do NOTHING except sit on the computer. I really don't understand it and I never will.

    Ohhhhh Alaska! That would be perfect but I'm sure he wouldn't last very long there either. That's the thing. He's always saying he hates this place and then he'll go somewhere new and soon he'll hate that place. He is never content anywhere he goes and I don't think he ever will be.
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I keep repeating this to myself every time I start to feel bad and it helps pull me back into reality. He had it made out in Idaho. He had a rent free apartment and the chance to get his life together but he chose to destroy that opportunity because he didn't like being told to vacuum the halls daily. It's crazy! I still can't wrap my head around how distorted his mind is. To him he thinks what he did to his grandfather is ok because his grandfather tried to give him responsibilities and make him work a little and difficult child didn't like that because he wants to do nothing all day long. It truly sickens me!
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    Been following this, and think i told you earlier your difficult child reminds me so much of my much older difficult child. Same game plan. Messed up, but blames everybody else. Like my difficult child, i believe yours to be a survivor. Life is important to him; he is too special and noteworthy to take his life. Guilting others to pay his way is totally do-able. In smaller ways it has paid off before. Of course, ramp it up and see what happens. He has nothing to lose.

    Our difficult child has gone quiet now---after ramping it up with us for weeks and getting $$ from my parents. We assume he has found somebody else to mooch off. Sure, we would love to believe he has found a better way (supporting himself), but realize that is not realistic.

    husband and I wish we had detached a decade ago.

    We can hope and pray. Nothing else has ever helped him.

    Stay on the alert and safe. This WILL pass.
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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    That is exactly what difficult child's dad and I both said on our last phone call together some months back. We just don't believe he has that much disregard for himself. On the contrary.

    JKF---Stay silent. Wait. Let time take its time. Focus on you. Turn that energy on YOU and others you love. Scrub that kitchen floor. Take that 11-minute walk RE talks about. Buy some flowers. Take a nap. Go to a movie.

    Let some space accumulate. Allow the distance.

    Don't worry. You will hear something soon. It doesn't stay quiet when it comes to difficult children, at least not for long.
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  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He knows you check fb. He is controlling your emotions. He is being cold, calculating, and manipulating his way back into your wallet. That is all they want at this point.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would unfriend him. There is no reason for him to get nasty on FB after what he did. He's ruining lives and playing the victim.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There was a time for me when I was so shaken and weak over what was happening that I could not get my feet under me. Everywhere I looked, whatever we had done to make things better had resulted in an even more horrible consequence than we had been able to imagine and take measures against. I would fall into a bad place where I felt responsible.

    But I knew I wasn't.

    But I felt I was.

    But I knew I wasn't.

    I kept circling, circling around those thoughts and I could not find my way out.

    I could understand intellectually that I had no control over how difficult child handled those things that, for another person, would have meant successful recovery. But I still found my thoughts fixating, circling around the awfulness of what had happened, and about my own part in setting up the possibility for what had happened.

    Recovering described that panicky, circling feeling
    as the FOG.

    What Recovering posted to me was that, while I had no control over what difficult child did, I did have control over how I responded. I thought I already knew that, but then, I seemed to get it on some deeper level. It wasn't about how I responded to difficult child, it was about taking control of myself, of my own emotions, in regard to the awful things that were happening to and for difficult child.

    Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning describes this necessity perfectly. I had read him years ago and I thought I knew what I was doing.

    But I didn't.

    Not when it came to my kids, I didn't. Pain in their voices can pop me straight into hell.

    It was such a little thing JKF, to see it like that, but it made all the difference in the world for me, and for husband, too.

    Things that helped me:

    It was helpful to be able to name that circling, fixating feeling: FOG

    Then, I knew where I was.

    It helped to remind myself to have mental discipline. That phrase, mental discipline, could key me for the second phase: I knew where I wanted to be mentally and emotionally. Even if I was a million miles from that calm, centered place I wanted to be, I was able to see it through reminding myself of that phrase "mental discipline" and work myself toward it.

    The key is to plan ahead.

    That will keep you out of what Recovering called the FOG ~ that kind of scary, alternate reality place we get popped into when something bad happens, or when the kids threaten us with bad things that have happened or that might happen.

    difficult child daughter may have been doing this to me, popping me into that place, on purpose. I still don't like to admit that could be true.

    Here is an example.

    I don't remember now what the conversation was about, but I had said no to something. Quick as a wink, difficult child daughter posted (we were private messaging on FB) pictures taken in the hospital after the beating.

    There was no warning.


    Those pictures popped me into that FOG place.

    It was Recovering who pointed out to me that difficult child may have done that on purpose, to weaken and confuse me.

    I am thinking about your son's threats of suicide. That would flip me over into that bad, circling place.

    The only thing I took away from all that is that, because I would not (so far as I know) have handled things the way my difficult child did, I could not have prepared for any of the things that happened. Because I knew that, I was able to know that I could never anticipate or help her avoid these left field things she was determined to do in future, either.

    So I got what we mean when we say we have no control over anything. Once I really got that piece (and remember that I thought I knew that piece long ago, but I didn't, not really), once I did see the truth that, no matter how hard I thought about it or what sacrifices of time, money, effort, head room, I made, I could not protect difficult child...that is when I finally gave myself the blessed grace (and I do mean blessed grace) of protecting myself.

    I could learn to control my reactions to what my difficult child presented.

    That much, I can do.

    It is still hard. I still have to think my way through it. But knowing to name the FOG, and knowing so clearly in my mind and in my heart how it is I want myself to look and feel coming through this, I can carefully take myself from panic to upright person who loves an adult child determined to go a wrong way.

    Now, we are having to decide some of the same kinds of things where difficult child's adult or soon to be adult, children are concerned. It is hard to let go of being Grandma and Grandpa. It is such a hard thing to choose to protect what we have instead of choosing total commitment to helping our grandchildren.

    But I am 62. husband is 68. One grand is 21. One is 15.

    And we have four others.

    So, we have to figure this out in some way where it is love and kindness that triumph, not isolation or cowardice or despair.

    For those of us not in this position? I hope you never know what I am talking about.

    I'm sorry this is so hard, so scary and shaky and horrible, JKF.

    With the help of the Board, I was able to figure out how to begin. You will, too.

    I am glad you have work to go to. I worked too, through the worst of it. I could get my mind functioning in another direction when I was working.

  13. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    (((hugs))) My difficult child likes to fight with his girlfriend, threaten suicide, and then cuts himself so theres blood everywhere. I have seen long scars on his arms so he's been doing this for a while.

    Girlie wanted to call me each time they had a fight, which was often as they both thrive on drama, and I refused to get drawn in. That started a war on her part, her last harassing message was like, 'It's on B****, I have all day to call you.'

    Luckily we lived in another state a good 5 hours away. I firmly believe she would be doing drive bys lol!!!

    When I refuse to fight with her she started harassing my daughter, she also lived far enough away we felt she was safe.

    One morning at 6 AM the girlie started the harassing calls and I had enough, so I called police. They went to the home (she lives with her mother) and advised her zero contact with me or I could press charges. She told police my difficult child was suicidal and police talked to him and he said no her was not.

    Then they had a fight and she tried to cut him with a knife and she was arrested and place in detox. He was telling me if I did not give him money he would kill himself, life was just too hard. I called the police twice and when they talked to him he always told them he was not suicidal. I spoke with counselors and they said to prepare yourself for the worse (HOW!) he may just do it one day.

    I tried for 6 months to help him with no changes on his part, girlies gets out of jail and they're back together. I'm way over this stuff so I told him so and he went no contact with me for a little over a year.

    He wanted me to join him on Twitter and I did check it out, but told him if he wanted to contact me either call collect or send an email. She posts on Twitter about smoking pot all day and going to concerts, and it doesn't appear that she works. She's 40! I have very little contact with him now, he moved to Denver and didn't let me know for over 3 months. BUT, he does not ask for money, and she doesn't harass me or my family.

    I know he had a very rough time when I finally stopped giving him money and I'm sure he was homeless, he may be now, he lies so much that I really have no idea.

    I do not send birthday or Christmas (no address to send them to) and the first year that bothered me. He did send me an email for Mother's Day.

    When I visited friends in Denver a very long time ago there was a large population of young homeless pan handling downtown. He has given me this story of working, but it may be another fantasy of his. He actually sent me a picture and there is no way I would show it to anyone and say this is my son. He looked pretty rough. To me it is strange that he would send it and try to convince me he is doing well. So hard to figure out their reasons!

    There really is nothing you can do, but continue to hand out money and try to help, and everything will stay just as it is now. I never dreamed my son would turn out to be this man. Whether it is drugs or mental illness, or both, it's a life style that really puzzles me.

    Take care of yourself.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2014
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Cedar, you mention FOG a lot. Have you read the book? I am thinking of buying it. I forgot what FOG stands for...lol...but there is an online forum for people dealing with people with personality disorders (they all sound like our difficult children...lol). I have read the forum.