Just spoke with-PO's super!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    The conversation started fine,, then started to go bad because I said I was trying to find out what specificly was ordered. He said in home services. I said what kind. He said in home services- they'll assess us. I said well, if behavior mod is ordered, this has already been determined not to be what is recommended for my son. He said in home services was recommended and ordered. I never could get a straight answer. Then he went off a bit saying I was refusing. I stopped him and said I didn't know what he'd heard but if this was in reference to mst, I had papers showing what was in my sons best interest and judge had agreed. That is not refusal or noncompliance. He said "they" thought I might be difficult to deal with (I'm sure he got that from PO). I told him there were 2 sides to every story and that she had ordered me around like I was the one on probation and that she has told me some absolutely absurd things she thought I should change regarding decisions I make for difficult child and how I parent, furthermore, she has undermined my parenting efforts in front of difficult child and does not discuss things with me about what is in my son's best interest.

    Then, it appeared that no one from probation knew much, if anything about the sd's MDT meeting. Apparently, what had everyone riled up was me asking for Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Well, they don't know the extent of a couple of some situations. Anyway, I explained that there were several problems and I had made a list but did not have a chance to present it Tues. Again, he said I was trying to get my son in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and hadn't tried anything else first. I said it would take more than just a therapist and I had been trying for some time but no one did anything until now and now things have deteriorated to that point. In any case, I don't have the money to wait for 2 more mos.

    OK, so it got better. It was left like this- he agreed (don't know if he'll follow thru) to look at PO's referral before it gets sent out and make sure the focus area of concern is Bipolar, not behavior. Then, I will let someone from in home assess us.

    Then it got better after I reiterated that I might still have to place my son because this could not solve problems quick enough at this point. He asked what it would take and I said full wrap around probably- my son needs mentorship and supervision, etc. He told me to call reputable, licensed places, and see if I could find a place who gives the services I want and ask if they take county funding. If they do, then call him or PO and they will ask county team if it can be funded for me to get it. He said they probably would fund it because right now, they are all worried about me trying to get difficult child out of the home. I said "Oh, Ok," He said well, are you willing to call places?

    I nearly choked- YES!! But, I'll be da***d if I would call PO and ask about it- I didn't tell him that, but I know what she would say. Then he said that they do realize that sometimes kids end up on probation who have mental illness and need help more than anything and really should not be over there on probation at all. He said from everything he'd seen (difficult child's file- he's never met him), my kid was not that bad.

    I couldn't believe it. I hope he comes to see at some point that my "pickiness" is not a refusal to deal with anyone- it's being careful about what I agree to regarding my son and having no trust in PO's decisions regarding me and my son - I did tell him that. He did acknowledge that he knew I cared for my son and wanted help for him and that I was extremely frustrated. I thanked him and told him I aprreciated him giving me names of places to call.

    Now, what's the vote on whether or not I can trust this guy to really get funding for services I find myself?
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2009
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    It sounds like the trouble is the FILE. If everyone involved has been looking at a set of documents that lists virtually nothing...then no wonder they can't understand why you are "being difficult" and insisting on services that your child (according to the file) does not need.

    This, unfortunately, happens a LOT. Things are added to, or omitted from the "official" report....and that is the report that everyone refers to when considering what to do. They have already made up their minds before meeting you based on the contents of that file.

    Is there any way that you can see it?

    Just for comparison, the "official" report from the psychiatric hospital on my difficult child does NOT contain any details about her threats to harm her family...and merely lists her as being depressed about having difficulties in English class.

    Based on the file, all my daughter needs is a tutor....


    Stay strong...

  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry the conversation wasn't more productive. Keeping you in my thoughts.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, difficult child's file is about 3 inches thick and looks horrible until people learn that it mostly resulted from his manic period. Then, they feel bad for him and see me trying to keep a close reign on difficult child and assume that is what is causing the problems. I keep a close reign on him because I know him and what all he can pull and lie about. LOL!!

    But, I think the biggest problem is PO saying things that make people think I'm the problem so they get preconceived notions. I did tell this guy that she has told me several things she thought I should change that I have had tdocs and psychiatrists tell me not to change- that I was right and she was making poor parental choices. :D

    Apparently I made a mistake in telling difficult child he could go out and play. I told him to be home by 5:45 - and there he is knocking on door now! Ok, that wasn't good- 1/2 hour late- but not too bad- he came thru door apologizing.

    I'm going to have to work on PO's super to see if I can change PO's.
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2009
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wow. I can see why HE'S the SUPERVISOR and she's NOT!!! Any chance you can get him to take over the case? ;)

    I'd follow his recommendation and then call HIM back with your information that you find out after your phone calls.

    That whole conversation sounded very hopeful in my opinion.

    1) I hope you can find a facility that accepts the county funding,
    2) I hope the court agrees to fund the services
    3) I hope it all happens very, very quickly!
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He wasn't this way last year- and actually didn't start this conversation today being very friendly or supportive. But apparently I've hit a nerve with people somewhere- he says it's my effort to get difficult child in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I'm not sure that it doesn't have more to do with listing all the lack of effort from all the county agencies and sending it to the judge and copying a state office. Whatever it is- I hope it lasts.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    Whatever it takes, right?
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    LOL! Thanks- I'm trying not to get my hopes built up- I'm a little worried that no one has any openings available for wrap around or mentorship for after school hours and he already knows it. But, I did get the feeling that I could level with him more about stuff difficult child has done- there's NO WAY I'd feel comfortable discussing these things with PO. When I called her in Dec and said I'd taken difficult child to psychiatric hospital, she yelled "well, why didn't you take him before tonight". It's like she thinks she's the Mom and I'm a babysitter and she's looking for a reason to fire me.
  9. Janna

    Janna New Member


    You are aware that Wrap Around Services are behavior modification?
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm completely on YOUR team but....I think you have to do an emotional fall back and regroup of your own. You have to focus on getting the best help for your son and be thankful that evidently the super has opened a door for you to attain that help. Forget the PO for now and do NOT let yourself get absorbed in your justified frustration in dealing with her.

    Slowly and calmly pull out your book to record your actions. Call each of the references that the supervisor suggested and write down the name, time etc. of each inquiry. Before you make telephone calls make sure you have a brief unemotional summary of what services are needed to help your son maximize his capabilities in a stable way.

    Sometimes I have had to picture that I was speaking as an advocate for a stranger in order to make sure I didn't talk too much, share too much or send emotional signals that turned off the phone contact. It is really difficult when you are in the midst of a crisis situation to separate your parental feelings from the goal...but I believe it is totally necessary.

    I "think" that when you make the calls that it "might" be a good idea to identify yourself and then state Joe Blow, Supervisor of the Department of Juvenile Justice blah blah suggested that I contact you to see what help might be available for my son. Sometimes dropping a name expedites things. Of course, if they hate Joe Blow :( it might mess up an opportunity.

    Make notes. Get your "game voice" in gear and then make the calls. I'm hoping something good will come out of it. One thing I am positive about, trying to identify PO as a loser will come back and bite you. Hugs. DDD
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That sounds like good advice, DDD. Thank you! OK, I'll try not to make the PO look bad. But really, the super was saying that no one who isn't a mental health prof would be ordering a specific therapy. Well, they did before and that's what the guy was saying in the meeting and the PO said that she was ordering that. Am I supposed to think they are not?

    Janna- Here they use mst for all-inclusive behavior modification. Wrap around is listed as counseling, mentorship, supervision, respite. Is that typical? Is the counseling specificly behavior modification? The sw at psychiatric hospital said that some extensive in home services were not for behavior modification and were for more all-inclusive services that focused on other things. Is that true?

    It better be- the sw was about to recommend Residential Treatment Center (RTC) off the batt but didn't because she said she'd talked to difficult child's therapist who recommended trrying to get more help at home first. So she wrote her letter that way. But therapist's letter says we need help in more counseling, financial, respite, etc. psychiatrist's letter says I need more support and difficult child needs more assitance in learning how to manage his psychiatric disorder and that behavior problems appear to be a result of BiPolar (BP) instability and medication trials.
  12. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, you're in VA, so maybe it's different, k. I'm really not sure. I've done Wrap Around so many times (8 total, seperate times with 2 different children - through 8 different agencies LOLOL) here in PA, they don't and won't even suggest it to me now. I've "graduated". Take that for what it's worth (not enough to wipe your you-know-what with).

    Wrap Around Services, here, is a team of 3. One is a BSC, Behavioral Specialist, Masters Level worker, that is kind of the "overseer" of the team. This person should see you, I'm guesstimating, 2-3 hours per month. This is the person that would make up the treatment plan, tell the others on the team what to do, and meet you for psychiatric evaluations (every 6 months) to continue services. The BSC should also be able to refer you to other things your child might need (i.e. summer camp).

    Then there is the Mobile Therapist. This person should be working mostly with difficult child on issues, such as coping skills, identifying feelings, social cues (i.e. facial expressions if there's a lack of socialization, I think I read that in your posts earlier). This person should also get feedback from you, and be working with you and getting your input, but mainly with difficult child. I'd say, you might see this person somewhere between 2-6 hours per week.

    Lastly, you're given a TSS (Theraputic Support Specialist). This is the person that should be spending the most time with you. This person should be in your home, dealing mostly with difficult child, but also with you on things like, setting rules, making consistent consequences, giving rewards, and making sure not only that difficult child is following through with expectations, but that you, as the parent, are following through with the rules. The TSS should be able to help you with things like behavior contracts and be teaching difficult child coping skills and such, much like the Mobile Therapist.

    I will tell you, from enormous experience, that these services can be great, or crud. My advice to you is, to ask to interview several MT's and TSS's prior to them just giving you one. We've had TSS's come in home and do WONDERFUL jobs, and I've had TSS's that sit around texting boyfriends instead of working. Also, TSS's can do in school hours. But, all this, hour wise, has to be approved first through a psychologist (whoever is doing the Wrap should be able to do the psychological end).

    Wrap Around is very intrusive. These people will be at your house, especially if the psychologist thinks it's needed, alot. I've had TSS's over at supper time when I was working, because that's the only time they could be there. Watching us eat. It's not always a comfy situation, unless you can make it so it is. You have to put your foot down.

    I currently have Wrap Around, kind of LOL! I only have the BSC, who is acting as an MT (does that make sense?). She is a Masters Level, experienced with Autistic kids. I only wanted HER - none of the other stuff, and she comes here, 4 hours every Saturday, and spends time with us all as a family. Technically, she is assigned to D, but, she is here to help us all. My son, he has more issues than you can fill a garbage bag with. It's not all about just giving him drugs, or throwing therapy in his face. I, myself, and my SO, HAVE to learn HOW to deal with him. And, she's helping us with that. PLUS, she gets to see all the behaviors, here, in his own environment. Honest to God, she's a blessing, and I had to fight tooth and nail for her, and she's staying.

    So, there is good and bad. Like I said, you have the right to interview people first, and I would do that. Because, if you get one snotty, 20 year old kid with no kids that comes into your house, fresh outta school, and thinks they're just gonna throw your child into "cure" mode, it's not gonna work. You need someone that has experience, and you should definately fight for that.
  13. Janna

    Janna New Member

    by the way, Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) isn't all it's cracked up to be either (been there done that 4 times).
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi i'm so sorry i am late to this and everyone has given such great input. my overall after reading your thread was yes why not trust him at this point? it sounds like he knows what he's doing and i guess it's his job to truly try to "get" you the parent, he probably sees alot of ppl and alot of thick files yet your care and desire to help difficult child was probably apparent and he saw that.

    i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Did you get him to put it in writing?

    You could tell him that a letter from HIM on his STATIONARY would probably go a LONG LONG way to helping YOU help your SON get services that he needs.


    It would be PROOF that he said what he did - and can't deny it.

    I think this is promising as well.......sounds like for now you're going to have to place the state "kissing" game - but it would be worth it IF you get what you need for your son.

    Best of luck !
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just sending my prayers that this brings some help.
  17. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The wraparound services provided should be tailored to difficult child's needs. I keep being confused about themeven discussing behavior mod, because that is up to the therapist, not to them.

    I'm a little miffed theyre making YOU look for agencies that take county funding, when I guarantee you DSS has a thorough list.. but hey it's a start. I'm going to PM you the name of the one that provided services to Youngest, I was fairly impressed with them.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    They don't know all difficult child has done- but if I'd had a PO like him or our first one, I would have been more comfortable telling it all. This PO would have just went off at me for it. Really, if they think I'm "letting" difficult child do this stuff- and apparently they do, wait until they see the busted doors, doors torn off hinges, huge holes in walls. Is that because I let him do whatever he wanted? What should his punishment be when it gets to that point and the point of a knife at your throat or in your face? difficult child's therapist is just now learning about some of this stuff- I couldn't believe that the sw at the psychiatric hospital called him and went by what he said- it really bugged me that they didn't call psychiatrist and asked what he thought. Of course, he just learned about the last visit today.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, WO & Crazy! I'm particularly interested in mentoring/supervision/tutoring and counseling to help difficult child learn HOW to manage bipolar symptoms and prevent triggers- as in, learn by teaching, plus coping skills, and helping difficult child become more comfortable with being BiPolar (BP) in general so he doesn't feel like a "freak" in his words. Also, I had other things on my list that are needed to. The more I think about it, the more I think they are not going to be able to deal with all this. At least if I can really choose, I can choose someone honest enough to admit this is going to require more. That was a BIG worry I had about any choice PO came up with.
  20. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Even if they can't ultimately handle it, you've got to get someone out there to assess the situation and SAY they cant handle it. Let them do that.

    I sent you a PM with the names of two agencies locally that take county funding.